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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Trapped with an alcoholic I hate

158 replies

Whatintheworldgirl · 09/09/2023 20:01

Tw:discussion of alcohol abuse and SI!

My partner is an alcoholic. He passed out the other night in a toilet apparently. I didn't hear from him from 11am to the early hours the next day when he stumbled back in. I had taken my engagement ring off to wash and moisturise my face (I'm a jeweller so I know how much soap and lotions are bad for white gold) and he came back, saw my ring on the side and threw it at me. I sat in the garden till morning waiting for him to wake up in his hungover state. Fully decided I don't want to be with him anymore. I can't do this. He woke up, still drunk, shouting at me. I told him it was over and he tried to overdose on beta blockers. I had to take the box from me and call 111. They advised I take him to a&e. So I did. They discharged him a few hours with an AA leftlet. His parents text me saying they are going on holiday and have brought roaming on their phone so they are going to be unreachable (this is after their son tried to overdose) and said that it's 'all in my hands'. I've contacted the AA for him. Managed to get him the go in and fill in some forms. Then a group meeting. This should be progress but h hate him. I genuinely despise him. He's mean and self obsessed and is completely different to the person I originally thought he was. I'm now trapped on suicide and alcohol watch. I know it probably comes across that I have no sympathy but I've been close to death last year with health issues and I've constantly been trying to keep everyone together. Im just tired now. I'm tired of giving him everything all the time and to be ridiculed and made to feel lonely. Ever since being with him I've been on anti anxiety meds and I just feel like I've lost myself.

OP posts:

AuntieDolly · 09/09/2023 20:41

Does he have a key to their place? He's a grown adult, not a child. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - you can get out of this. You have your own place, not married and no kids. Time to be strong and finish this x

ThreeLittleDots · 09/09/2023 20:43

What other people choose to think of you is none of your business. You will know the truth.

Do you have a friend who can be there when you ask him to leave? Or you could ask the police for their advice / help if you are frightened he will become violent

FOJN · 09/09/2023 20:44

OK time to stop being a martyr.

You are not responsible for the actions of a grown man - be that drinking, suicide or debt. You are not trapped you have just allowed yourself to be persuaded you are

His parents do not need to take responsibility either, he is an adult and for just as long as everyone runs around organising his life for him he will keep drinking and fucking up.

He may never get sober but if he does it will be up to him to do the work.

Walk away now.

I don't know who you contacted or took him to see but AA does not ask anyone to complete forms, you simply turn up at a meeting. If you contacted the AA helpline they would have told you they can do nothing until he contacts them himself and they probably would have offered you the Al Anon helpline number. All AA meeting are listed on line.

Joeylove88 · 09/09/2023 20:45

I'm sorry you are in this situation OP. But like others have said this is not your responsibility. I understand why you feel like you can't leave in case he does something but it really isn't your fault atall. Both him and his mother sound abusive and you don't deserve to be treated like it. Please remember that you matter. Your mental health matters. So if you don't want to be with him anymore you are well within your right to ask him to leave and put yourself first. Please try to not let your guilt convince you to stay in this miserable situation.

smokingcarriageonly · 09/09/2023 20:45

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

Sapphire387 · 09/09/2023 20:45

Excuse me, but you would not be the cause of him killing himself, if he did. The cause would be his own alcoholism.

Or I can tell you my DH's story. DSD's mum was an alcoholic, DH didn't leave her because he was afraid she would kill herself. She drank herself to death a couple of years later and all DSD remembers of her mum is her smelling bad and sleeping on the sofa.

The deterioration was seriously awful. You don't want that experience for yourself. Do you have DC? If so, you need to get them away from him. If you don't, for the love of God please don't have DC with him.

You are NOT responsible for this man. He is an adult.

FOJN · 09/09/2023 20:47

I'm scared to be the cause of someone taking their life.

He hasn't stopped drinking so in all honestly you are not that important to him (it says nothing about you and everything about alcoholism) but pretending he will kill himself is a useful way to manipulate you. An alcoholics primary relationship is with alcohol.

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/09/2023 20:56

This is intolerable. It’s not your responsibility and you have gone way way beyond the call of duty. You need to put yourself first.

There’s never going to be a “safe” point where he’s ok and you can walk into the sunset. You are trapped in a cycle of codependency with him which will eventually drag you down too.

Get through the acute phase with him if you genuinely believe it will help. But stop using his diseased behaviour as as excuse to take control of your own life.

I was married to an alcoholic; I totally get it. They will always find reasons to extend the cycle of dependency until you put your foot down.

GeorgiePorge · 09/09/2023 20:56

I have been in a very similar situation to you so I really do understand.... but please believe me when I say you cannot help him by facilitating his behaviour.

The threatening suicide is a manipulative tool. If the drs treating him in hospital had decided he was a suicide risk they wouldn't have discharged him so quickly.

There is no benefit in you contacting AA... he needs to want to get help... there is nothing you can do to get him there.

if it is your place you need to make him leave. Ask him to leave and if he refuses call the police and tell them you fear for your safety.

I know it feels impossible right now as the sense of obligation is huge... but there is an amazing life out there for you just waiting.

im currently cuddling my baby with my toddler sleeping soundly upstairs, im in a loving, safe and supportive relationship. 10 years ago this seemed unimaginable. It took me a long time to stop feeling responsible for my ex... but once I was truely free my life started again.

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/09/2023 21:00

@GeorgiePorge

The threatening suicide is a manipulative tool.

This. My ex was sending me videos of himself popping sheets of pills to scare me for months and years after we separated. He must have done this seven or eight times. It scared the bejesus out of me and I would always call the police.

It turned out he never took an actual overdose. It was all threats.

Farmhouse1234 · 09/09/2023 21:03

I think his parents phone should work abroad even without roaming? If you call the old fashioned way. Tell them that you’re throwing him out and it’s their hands now. I’m sure if they are that bothered they would come home.

At the moment he is prioritising himself and you are prioritising him. He has two people putting him first.
You have no one putting you first. Why does he get 2 and you get zero?

4catsaremylife · 09/09/2023 21:04

You cannot control his actions. He is an adult. He is not your responsibility.

Tinkerbyebye · 09/09/2023 21:05

If he goes out and comes back drunk again phone the police. Tell them he has to leave change the locks and don’t let him back in

AdoraBell · 09/09/2023 21:07

“It’s all in your hands” fuck that OP they are simply washing their hands of him.

As others have said you are not trapped. He will not change until he reaches his rock bottom but that is not your responsibility. Make plans to leave but don’t tell him. He will repeat the manipulation behaviour.

TheChosenTwo · 09/09/2023 21:10

FOJN · 09/09/2023 20:47

I'm scared to be the cause of someone taking their life.

Was just coming on to say EXACTLY this.
pack your shit up and get out, check into a travel lodge or whatever for a couple of nights and ignore him completely, then kick his sorry arse out of your flat. I’d say kick him out first but if he’s wasted now you might not get much out of him.
Alcoholics are master manipulators, you mean far less to him than he’s making you think. Make a better life for yourself, don’t martyr yourself for him. You’re worth more.

Turnthelightoff · 09/09/2023 21:10

I’ll echo all the past comments about it not being your fault and needing to throw him out. Just one thing struck me, you can contact his parents by text or even letter to explain that you’ve heard of his debt to them, understand they see you as somehow being in debt to them too but actually you have not seen any of this money so don’t need to pay anything to them or remain having anything to do with their son who sounds a like a bit of a cocklodger too as well as alcoholic.

Bored1000 · 09/09/2023 21:11

I would look after him until his parents come back and then hand him over to them and leave…..tell him now that’s your plan so he has a week / fortnight to get his head around it……pack away some of your stuff in boxes and put in the hallway so he can see that you have started the process and are serious.

His parents sound awfull…no wonder he turned out like he did!…..no they can take some responsibility

Beezknees · 09/09/2023 21:13

You're not trapped. You are choosing to stay.

Thatsmorethanhalf · 09/09/2023 21:14

If it is his life that is stopping you from leaving, remember that 'tough love’ might be the thing that saves it. Get gone

Stratocumulus · 09/09/2023 21:17

Time for big girls’pants!
As above, you are not trapped. You are simply choosing to put up his shi*te.
The next time he leaves your flat, change the locks.
You can do this. Go for it.

Ladylalaboo1 · 09/09/2023 21:19

But what's the alternative? He could threaten to kill himself every single time you say you will leave ? 20 years from now ( if he hasn't drank himself to death) so then that's your life? You are basically sacrificing your own life for ' his' and I say his like that because he won't actually kill himself he's just manipulating you. The ironic thing is you will be the one who loses here. You end up staying , miserable and depressed, he knows you won't leave because he's dangled the suicide threat, meanwhile still drinking. So while staying with him means you won't have his ' suicide ' on your conscience, you will end up effectively committing your own suicide. Not physically, but mentally. Is he worth more to you than yourself? You need to leave and never look back xxx

squeakyclean13 · 09/09/2023 21:20

Bored1000 · 09/09/2023 21:11

His parents sound awfull…no wonder he turned out like he did!…..no they can take some responsibility

This is what I would do too. It will give him time to find alternative accommodation, perhaps staying with a friend. However, if you feel threatened or unsafe, leave and ring the police. If he makes a suicide bid, ring police/ambulance and they may section him for his own safety. Don't put up with it, you're worth more than this. I had a similar situation with my ex husband and it was very traumatic leaving, but I have never, ever regretted it. It was the best thing I ever did! Call on all your friends and family, tell them what's happening and ask for support. This is the moment to call in all your favours. Ring your GP and get signed off work if necessary. Good luck.

ThinWomansBrain · 09/09/2023 21:20

I'm on my own as his mother said

Yep, wait til he goes out to the next pub or AA meeting, get a locksmith round, pack his bags - then yes, you're on your own. Huge sigh of relief. I would say time to break open the champagne, but maybe not appropriate in the circumstances.

He is also on his own - he is an adult, let him fend for himself.
If he can't hack that, his parent brought him up, you've only been someone he's freeloaded of for a short period of time, let them get on with it.

Ponderingwindow · 09/09/2023 21:21

If you are scared he might hurt you then there are only two options

you walk out the door. Possessions don’t matter more than your life. If he trashed the place you manage.
you call the police and ask them to escort him out

if he kills himself you are not responsible. If you think suicide is imminent, your only responsibility is to call emergency services. You are not required to simply stand suicide watch on the chance it might happen.

what he is doing to you is a form of abuse. The only defense is to refuse to participate.

Fallingthroughclouds · 09/09/2023 21:22

If you can hang on till his parents come back it might make things easier
You are definitely not responsible for him, but I totally see why you want to minimise the risk. If he committed suicide this would be in no way your fault, or your responsibility, but that is easy to say and wouldnt stop you feeling like shit. Keep trying their phones. If they refuse to have him when they return, I guess plan b is to change the locks and pack up his stuff. Worst case scenario is the police will remove him. I would wish him well, but cut all contact with him and his family after he has gone.

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