Trapped with an alcoholic I hate

[Whatintheworldgirl]

Tw:discussion of alcohol abuse and SI!

My partner is an alcoholic. He passed out the other night in a toilet apparently. I didn't hear from him from 11am to the early hours the next day when he stumbled back in. I had taken my engagement ring off to wash and moisturise my face (I'm a jeweller so I know how much soap and lotions are bad for white gold) and he came back, saw my ring on the side and threw it at me. I sat in the garden till morning waiting for him to wake up in his hungover state. Fully decided I don't want to be with him anymore. I can't do this. He woke up, still drunk, shouting at me. I told him it was over and he tried to overdose on beta blockers. I had to take the box from me and call 111. They advised I take him to a&e. So I did. They discharged him a few hours with an AA leftlet. His parents text me saying they are going on holiday and have brought roaming on their phone so they are going to be unreachable (this is after their son tried to overdose) and said that it's 'all in my hands'. I've contacted the AA for him. Managed to get him the go in and fill in some forms. Then a group meeting. This should be progress but h hate him. I genuinely despise him. He's mean and self obsessed and is completely different to the person I originally thought he was. I'm now trapped on suicide and alcohol watch. I know it probably comes across that I have no sympathy but I've been close to death last year with health issues and I've constantly been trying to keep everyone together. Im just tired now. I'm tired of giving him everything all the time and to be ridiculed and made to feel lonely. Ever since being with him I've been on anti anxiety meds and I just feel like I've lost myself.

Even without roaming they can connect to WiFi at cafes and the hotel for free to be accessible. They're just saying that to stop you from kicking him out.

OP, why do you care so much what people (might) think of you, especially his vile mother? His parents don't care about you, so their opinion doesn't matter. And anyone else who knows about the reality, knows how horrible, weak & manipulative this man is will admire you for getting rid of him.

A better future for you is a step at a time process, but it does need that first step. And it will be worth it.

I wouldn't suggest doing this.

He is not your responsibility OP, but he isn't his parent's responsibility either.
And it isn't your call to decide or delegate who supports your OH if you decide not to.

He is a grown man- he can sort out his own shit.

If your Oh's parents ask you to pay back "debt" then simply explain you haven't borrowed from them, you have received no funds - don't entertain a discussion about it.

I assume you have no children with this man which is good.

You are not trapped- ask him to leave by X and stick to that.

If he attempts suicide that is his choice.
There need be no drama- if he refuses to leave or tries suicide phone the police and tell them you don't want him living with you.
Change the locks as soon as he is out.

He is manipulating you into not kicking him out. His parents are manipulating you by saying it's in your hands.

No, you are not responsible in any way for him. He needs to leave, not you. Kicking him out might actually be the thing that does make him turn his life around. As long as he has support in feeding his addiction, he will carry on with it. Where will he go? Not your problem. Genuinely. The courts would try him as an adult, why not you?

he's in major debt with them and if I break up with them it would be 'unfair' for me to expect him to handle the debt on his own, says his mum, even know I've never seen a penny from him.

😱 wow, that is jaw dropping 😱

You leave.

You tell anyone else that knows him that you can trust that you've left him but he's unstable. This is NOT your responsibility.

Contact the authorities and ask them to do a welfare check. Explain over the phone that he is alone and threatened to kill himself.

Thats as much as you can do.

You do not owe this person your life at the expense of theirs.

I don’t know why you’re talking about packing some of your things. It’s your flat. Chuck him out.

He is not your responsability. You are not responsible for keeping him alive, he is. If you have kids they would be better off away from this man, if you don't then you would be better off away from this men. Form an escape plan, pack your bags while he is OUT and leave. Leave him a note explaining that he needs to stick with the AA and sort himself out. If you need to come back to get stuff bring a friend, as he sounds potentially dangerous. I lost a family member that way.

Wait for him to go on a bender and change the locks. Put his stuff outside. See if someone can stay with you for when he comes back and can’t get in. He doesn’t give a flying fuck about you, nor does his horrible family, let them reap what they sow. He could kill himself anyway through alcohol poisoning, would you feel guilty about that too? Don’t leave, it’s your flat. Or change the locks and stay somewhere else for a week or two if possible, to avoid seeing him.

Your job is not to fix him

His parents can leave. So can you. They feel no guilt because he is a grown adult.

You need to think of what this is doing to you. Not him. Leave him totally the authorities and rub

Block mum. Do not pay ANY money and explain that you haven't received any. Do not pick up the phone to them. Change your number if you have too.

This isxmot.your problem abd you.need to get away from it and on with your life!

This situation really reminds me of my dad - it was 25 years of this hell for my stepmum before he finally went through with it (a few years before liver damage would have killed him anyway) oh she did rejoice when she found his body and was finally free! Don't waste your life with this person.

If its your flat (and your strong enough) pack his stuff, chuck it outside and tell him to leave. If he won't, call the police.

If you feel like this is too much alone, try and get some friends or family of your own to do it - you might find he behaves a bit better around then. Maybe stay overnight with them a couple nights once your sure he can't get in.

If he does, or tries, anything - phone the police and do not contact him.

Faybian it is the OP's flat. Why should she leave?

You describe how it feels being in an unhealthy relationship so well and the misplaced responsibility and fear underneath everything.

i think it’s easy to get lost in these feelings of sorrow and another’s pain. Of course you would feel bad . You sound a like a sensitive , kind person whose nature is to support and give.

I wonder if your exit plan for him should recognise this aspect of yourself because “kicking” him out with police adds to your difficulty in getting him gone. Do you have a friend or family member who can come and stay to support you this week as you exit him?

Agree to call parents re a key to their place.
an alcoholic stopping drinking will suffer and does need help from AA, daily meetings. He is terribly unwell. And maybe does not want to get better. That’s hard for you too and needs time after the relationship is over to move on from.
Good luck.

Hi @Whatintheworldgirl do you have keys to his parents place? If so take him there ie move him out of your place and change the locks.

Tell him it is over and that you do not want to see him again. If he chooses to end his life that is his choice it is not on you, i mean even his parents allege they have no mobile comms when theyre away - they do but clearly dont care they want a nice holiday....

His AA meetings should help him, but he needs more support that social care may be able to offer - ask his parents local authority about it.

None of us should be on medication because of our relationship with anyone.

Sending you a hug.

I bet he does have a key to his parents.

If not I'd wait til they're back and kick him out then.

The parents will suddenly, magically be contactable once you boot him out today I imagine.

You seem so scared, I'm sorry, but you need to take action and defenestrate this loser. He won't kill himself - unless it's alcohol poisoning. Good luck x

Wait until he is out, change the locks. Leave a bag of stuff with his AA group. Can you book a Airbnb somewhere so you don’t have to see him for a while? Text his parents so they get it when they get home: ‘I am informing you that I have broken up with X. He is no longer my responsibility. He has damaged my mental health for too long. I took him to AA. As his parents it is up to you what to do next.’ Do it on WhatsApp if they have it, because their hotel must have Wi-Fi even if they didn’t buy roaming. Twats.

You are actually enabling his addiction by not cutting him off. Supporting addicts who have reached this stage is a waste of time and actually unhelpful to them. He needs to hit rock bottom on his own I'm afraid. Maybe he will get through that and maybe not. Either way extending the status quo is very bad for both of you.

Lots of great advice here OP, particularly this: Call the GP or local
mental health team. Tell them he is suicidal and you can’t keep him safe. Then send him off to hospital and change the locks. Honestly there is F-all you can do for him, he needs to make that decision himself. Stop trying to save him , you can’t

I know it feels horrible at the moment but the hatred you're feeling for him is your own rock bottom and actually a very helpful defense. It'll help you care less. I remember a moment with my alchohol and drug dependent ex where I literally felt ice form around my heart when he tried to force ecstasy into my mouth because I was being 'no fun'. I fucking hated him from that moment on and we were done within six months. I had all the same fears that it was my fault he was a addict, he'd kill himself when i left the marriage etc. Eight years on he's such a vague memory and I could not care less about him.

There’s a very true saying: Don't rescue to the point where you have to be rescued
I know of what I speak, I had 2 alchoholic parents.

This.

Please look after yourself, and get him out of your flat (change the locks) and your life. The rest is up to him.

Some alcoholics do recover, but not when they are propped up by people like you who they have taken hostage.

I am sorry you have had to experience this. Do not waste your life on this man. Get out while you can.

@Whatintheworldgirl i have been doing much research on this myself, having been stuck in your position a few years ago. I came across an interesting you tube video where the guy says that suicide for people like this is impossible as they are already dead inside. It made a profound difference to me. Also, my ex turned his head to the wall when i left and it was only when he became very ill that he gave himself a fright. This man will not kill his well, but he may kill you in the meantime.

You’ve had some great advice on here and I hope you’re feeling a bit less trapped. One thing I’d say is that I think the people saying “leave” mean ‘the relationship’ not ‘the flat’. It’s your flat. Don’t leave. The police can and will support you in making him leave if he won’t go.

Also, his mum seems to have a voice in this situation. What extra support do you have? Are your own parents nearby? A sibling? Friend? I’d recommend opening up to them so that you hear voices who are prioritising you, as well as those that care about him.

like a bad penny, he will survive op.