To dislike describing a very ill person as a "fighter"?

[whatnexttt]

Both my parents have now died of cancer and I remember this being a term that irritated both of them since the first cancer diagnosis in our family in the nineties.

It's now used for loads of illnesses, including an autoimmune illness I myself have, and I still deeply dislike it. It just seems geared towards trying to make people shut up and not talk about the distressing sides of shitty illnesses - because "fighters" are brave and dignified and tough, right?

And I know it's just one of those things that people say without thinking, but by calling someone a fighter you are implying that there are also people who are not fighters, who are obviously doing illness wrong. It all feeds back into the way people who are not healthy try to rationalise devastating illness and death, and comfort themselves that it will never happen to them or their loved ones. But everyone dies, eventually. It is not a character flaw!

Why is this still inane "fighter" bollocks trotted out so much at people who are sick and sometimes even dying?

Yes I dislike death announcements which refer to “lost his fight with X” or “lost her battle” as though it’s something active they’ve actually done rather than a completely passive and unpreventable event.

It all feeds back into the way people who are not healthy try to rationalise devastating illness and death

This should be - people who ARE healthy, rather

Yes.

I also hate it. And references to warriors. As though if people do die from their illness, or choose not to have chemo etc with a low prognosis of success for example, that they somehow gave up?

I hate it.

Exactly! @Bernadinetta

Made me very angry when my husband was dying with cancer, as it implied that he wasn't " trying" hard enough.

I don't like it either, and would never use it, but I think it's up to whoever is unwell as to how they want to characterise their illness and their struggles. I'd not judge someone who was unwell if they used that sort of language for themselves or are happy for others to.

I also hate the 'battling'/fighting cancer, it makes it sound like those people who die from cancer/ terminal illness didn't put in enough effort because if they did they'd have 'won' the battle.

FIL had terminal cancer he didn't 'fight' it, he lived with a terrible disease until it sadly killed him.

If somebody describes themselves as a fighter I sure ain't going to correct them or go on a rant!

However, it saddens me that this fighter bollocks has permeated their experience so much because they might on some level, be blaming themselves for not "fighting" enough.

As a young adult I felt constantly like I was doing something wrong because my illness was so unstable at the time and part of that stemmed from a general attitude that it was somehow my fault.

It wasn't my fault, I was sick and if new treatment options had not become available I would still be very sick. Wouldn't matter how much of a "fighter" I was.

Agree OP. Does it mean that those who die don’t ‘fight’ or try hard enough? It’s so insulting!

Yanbu. It annoyed my Dad when he had cancer.

YANBU - I hate this too. You get a terrible illness, accept the treatment and whether you live or die is not a choice or a reflection of how hard you fought.

If someone uses it about themselves fine. But it's insulting to use it especially in the context of "loosing their fight".

I've got cancer and I hate it. I also hate ' you're so brave.' Makes me feel that I mustn't show my fear.

I think it's just a way to feel like they have some agency in a horrible powerless situation.

Even totally unconscious people can be described as ‘fighting for their life’ in intensive care etc, with no implication that they are somehow actively doing anything?

I just interpret it as a figure of speech and it doesn’t upset me, but I understand that it could be upsetting if you interpret it differently to me.

I think it’s well meaning but I also dislike it. Suggests that those who don’t recover somehow didn’t fight hard enough, or weren’t brave enough, or it was down to some other personal failing.

It seems insensitive to me and not language that I would choose to use.

I hate it. I hate that I have to try and live up to the declarations that I’m brave, that I’m a warrior fighting my condition. I’m just trying to get through the day. I’m not brave, I’m often scared, lonely and in great pain but I have no choice about it.

I wholeheartedly agree. DD1 died several years ago now. She didn’t lose her battle or fight. That implies she didn’t try hard enough, when in reality there was only ever going to be one ‘winner’. I also hate the brave or ‘warrior’ language. She had no choice.

My DD died 12 years ago from Cancer she was 24 in a lot of pain at the end and then died it wasnt because she wasnt a fighter it was that it was so rare that nothing could be done.

I hate it too, for all the reasons above.
I also hate "stay strong and positive", which really means "please don't offload your worries on me".
My DH had cancer.

I absolutely agree. My mum died of cancer, it was not a fight or something to be battled. It was terminal at the point of diagnosis and she was told to get her affairs in order in the same appointment as being given her diagnosis. She had chemo to give her the chance of a few extra weeks but it was not a fight. At no point did her death come down to lack of will or strength, it was purely down to how aggressive the cancer was and how it had already spread.

When Dad had cancer all the "oh he's strong/resilient/cancer will be sorry it chose him" and other such bollox that was said to, and about, him gave me the absolute rage. He was 83 and dying. In the last conversation we ever had he apologised for "not being stronger", like it was somehow his fault.

Hit send too soon!
Due to worsening health, I’ve been thinking about this issue a lot this week. I acknowledge that I have a strong character and that my determined nature has helped me push through so many rough times but the “Brave” label put on me by others is such a burden. It’s exhausting and makes it so much harder to ask for help.
Being called brave, cheerful and positive over what is essentially very bad luck leaves you no scope to be worried, sad and frightened without feeling like you are letting others down.

I used the word fighter to describe my late husband, who actually died from a heart attack not directly from the chronic illness he’d lived with for the best part of 25 years. But, that was because he’d spent most of that time fighting the system, in particular the NHS, to get the treatment he was not only entitled to but deserved. He also fought that battle on behalf of others less well off and articulate than us as well. It shouldn’t have been that hard. It shouldn’t take being sharp elbowed, middle class, affluent and educated to get the NHS to do what it’s supposed to. So, I think it’s entirely reasonable to call people ‘fighters’ if they want to.