To dislike describing a very ill person as a "fighter"?

[whatnexttt]

Both my parents have now died of cancer and I remember this being a term that irritated both of them since the first cancer diagnosis in our family in the nineties.

It's now used for loads of illnesses, including an autoimmune illness I myself have, and I still deeply dislike it. It just seems geared towards trying to make people shut up and not talk about the distressing sides of shitty illnesses - because "fighters" are brave and dignified and tough, right?

And I know it's just one of those things that people say without thinking, but by calling someone a fighter you are implying that there are also people who are not fighters, who are obviously doing illness wrong. It all feeds back into the way people who are not healthy try to rationalise devastating illness and death, and comfort themselves that it will never happen to them or their loved ones. But everyone dies, eventually. It is not a character flaw!

Why is this still inane "fighter" bollocks trotted out so much at people who are sick and sometimes even dying?

@lookingforMolly I'm so sorry. I had some similar comments when my mum was dying, including one person who told me that I must remain "positive" and "don't give up" because there are always "miracles". 🤨

I just remember staring back at them wondering if they had listened to a word I had said about what was happening, because it really wasn't an "oh maybe it's not that bad and she'll pull through" situation - at all.

I think some people do view it as something they are ‘fighting’ when faced with a diagnosis such as cancer etc. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that and if that mindset helps them when facing gruelling treatments such as chemotherapy etc , who is anyone else to say that’s wrong? People are different.

Yes agreed I absolutely fucking hate that terminology. I even hated immediate family saying they would 'fight alongside.' No you won't.

Nobody loses the fight. If wanting to get better was anything to do with it my Mum would be here now.

I hate it too.

My mum had cancer treatment three times in three years. The first two times we all thought she’d ‘beaten’ it. The third time it killed her.

If it makes some people feel better to talk about fighters and positive thinking, that’s up to them. But I don’t want to hear it.

I agree.

My mum didn't lose her fight to cancer. If fight was enough to survive she would have outlived us all.

She died because cancer is shit and she had a cancer with a 20% 5 year survival rate.

After 5.5 years and numerous chemotherapy rounds it spread and her body could take no more chemo and they couldn't do anything.

Cancer robbed her of life. She can't beat a death sentence.

Sorry about your parents. My dad also had cancer at same time as my mum but has been in remission a few years. My worst nightmare is his cancer coming back.

Hope your health is well managed.

I hate it. Absolutely hate it. My friend has terminal cancer and she uses the language herself so I think it’s a personal thing.

I agree entirely, while respecting that for some people seeing it as a fight can be helpful. But I really hate the “cancer wants to kill you” type charity-we-need-your-money adverts. Cancer is not a sentient thing that is out to get you, it is an unfortunate biological process that can have devastating outcomes for the people who get it. Research needs money, but at least be accurate with your information.

I can’t stand the expression either. Lost both my parents and my best friend to cancer.

@Neuronamechange I think you can be all those things and still be so very, very brave. I like being called brave. I am. It's neither here nor there whether I'll get better it's not a battle. Right now, carrying on, when it's really hard, I'm brave. I'm not a fighter though. So much is passive.

The nurses said my mother was fighter. Brain cancer.
Sometime later I wrote this:

To me, who saw my mother dying, Dylan was wrong.
She did not go gentle, did not surrender, she fought on.
She stayed on past her time, all pain, dignity gone,
Begging with desperate eyes for the welcome dark
That is the door to light.
Do not go gentle when the body seeks to heal, is strong,
Do not go gentle when the will to live's not done,
Rage, yes, when life's there still, when battle can be won,
But when there's nothing left but torture stark,
Best to give up the fight.
The nurses said "She's a fighter, tough, won't easily yield life."
At first admiring, then in sorrow "that's not always best,"
As diamorphine dripping slowly brought no rest,
As every loving touch brought agonising pain,
And there was no release.
So I will rage, hearing that poem's anguished cry for strife,
Rage, rage, when Dylan's call for suffering is raised.
Will not go gently quiet when vain fortitude is praised.
And hope for gentle friendship when death comes again,
Bringing for torture, peace.

I read a book once, sorry can’t remember the name, exploring how cancer in particular attracts military-like terminology, such as "invasion" and "battle" and "fight”. Maybe it’s a wish for control, or the illusion of control. It always makes me flinch, though.

Treaclewell. That's beautiful. I spent too long on children's heart units. The babies and children who died were "fighters" too 😢

It's this one, really interesting.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Illness_as_Metaphor#:~:text=Illness%20as%20Metaphor%20served%20as,metaphors%20associated%20with%20each%20disease.

Treaclewell that is a beautiful poem. Thank you.

My beatiful DS died just over 3 years ago, he was in icu and had a brain haemorhage. I'm a nurse, after he died in my head I was so angry at losing him, why did you not fight my darling boy to survive. He was too ill to fight, but he left us with beautiful memories. He was very brave, our love x

To me, it also suggests that those who suffer more/ die quicker etc didn't fight?
So I totally agree.

I don’t like it either. I have a chronic autoimmune disease. I’m not a fighter, I’m just coping with it because there is no other option. I would rather not be fighting at all and having a jolly time feeling healthy but what option have I got? It doesn’t help to be described as such.

Completely agree. My mum passed away fairly quickly after developing an illness. it annoyed me, especially once it was quite clear she wasn’t going to make it, when people kept saying “oh she’s a fighter, she’ll get through”. Made it seem though she didn’t try hard enough to get better, even though she’d have done anything to recover.

I understand it being used for very poorly children to try and boost their spirits perhaps. And of course if people want to refer to themselves as a fighter it’s fine. But it’s not something that should be said of every severely ill person.

Totally correct. People who are ill either recover, or they don't. There is no moral aspect, no element of "trying harder" than the next person. I read the "fighting" stuff so often in press reports and wonder how journalists can churn out such lazy nonsense.

I don’t know. For me at difficult times in my life (including cancer) it has helped to have a “hard hat, push on through” mentality. I never saw these things as battles to fight though. Not sure show much sense it makes!

Exactly this.

'Succumbed, lost the fight, lost the battle'.

Why the need for such evocative language that implies 'loser'.

What's wrong with 'sadly died from'...

I think people are terrified of having no choice, to the extent that they can't even bear the thought of others having none. It leads to some appalling attitudes across all of life, for instance people fleeing their home countries for the "wrong" reasons or all the variations on "shouldn't have had children". My own siblings think my debilitating illness is just lack of willpower.

See also "Everything happens for a reason" - logically correct, but not in the comforting sense that people mean it. Same as "God's will" and the laws of bloody attraction!

All these little platitudes reassure the speaker while blaming the sufferer for somehow deserving their pain. Even in cases where past actions did lead to present agony, it's no help unless you're giving them a time machine along with your dismissive words.

I don't think people realise the cruelty in these sayings. You're right to call attention to it.

I don't like it either. It implies that crying, emotionally breaking down, feeling like you can't cope or you can't go on are wrong. Its the classic british stiff upper lip or keep clam + carry on viewpoint. Its historic; its easier for doctors to have placid cooperating patients.

I’ve had cancer twice in two years. I didn’t fight. I was in shock, like none of it was really happening to me. I did what I was told. No way did I fight. The irony is, I looked completely well throughout. No one would have a clue I was so seriously ill. I’m on several groups for cancer, and lots do use the language of warrior, fight, and beating cancer. I wouldn’t myself, but quite a few like to use that language-perhaps it makes them feel stronger and more empowered.

Agree it gets my back up every time I hear it!

I lost a loved one to cancer last year and the amount of people using phrases like battling it and being a fighter made me want to punch them, I did say to one person if it was a battle of wanting to live it would be over already but stage 4 cancer generally doesn’t give a fuck! Also made it harder for her as she had the mindset that she was a failure if she couldn’t ‘beat it’. Horrible all round