To dislike describing a very ill person as a "fighter"?

[whatnexttt]

Both my parents have now died of cancer and I remember this being a term that irritated both of them since the first cancer diagnosis in our family in the nineties.

It's now used for loads of illnesses, including an autoimmune illness I myself have, and I still deeply dislike it. It just seems geared towards trying to make people shut up and not talk about the distressing sides of shitty illnesses - because "fighters" are brave and dignified and tough, right?

And I know it's just one of those things that people say without thinking, but by calling someone a fighter you are implying that there are also people who are not fighters, who are obviously doing illness wrong. It all feeds back into the way people who are not healthy try to rationalise devastating illness and death, and comfort themselves that it will never happen to them or their loved ones. But everyone dies, eventually. It is not a character flaw!

Why is this still inane "fighter" bollocks trotted out so much at people who are sick and sometimes even dying?

Yanbu

I didn't get it (the issue) until a conversation with someone's who's baby had died or a condition closely linked to one my own had survived. Everyone commented on how hard he'd fought (her was a newborn under heavy drugs).
But chatting to this friend separately, he talked about how it implied if his newborn had just tired harder she'd have lived. Like it was on her that she'd died.

Sorry am bumping this a little.

I think there are some ill people who find the fighting metaphor empowering and others who hate it. There are other metaphors like "cancer journey" which again, some may find helpful and others loathe. I made a joke to my home nurse saying in a solemn voice "I'm not really enjoying my cancer journey". She got the point at once, laughed and said "Yes, everyone else enjoys but you, you have to be different!" 😁

I think the best thing is never to impose a metaphor on a patient but let them define their own experience, and listen to them if they express a preference. I asked a family member not to use the word "brave". She agreed but had to find an adjective so settled for, I think it was "resilient." Bravery to me is risking your life to save other lives for instance. I didn't choose this and am a coward who has no choice not to experience it so.... not brave and it's a pointless and irritating descriptor to me. I'm not sure I need "resilient" either as I am really just following orders, getting treatment and trying with varying success to handle the day to day and not think about the dreadful future. Just exactly like most cancer patients out there I'd guess. I am one of those with the late/ palliative dx and no it isn't fun but it doesn't make me any braver than anyone else.

Setting patients with a poor prognosis up to be "brave" and "wonderful" and all the rest of it, telling them how much you admire and are in awe of them doesn't really help much imo although of course some patients may like this... I just find it very othering somehow and kind of toxic positivity. I'm still me, not a brave and resilient zoo exhibit. Also the whole business of telling people that miracles happen and you can beat this thing etc. Meant well but can come across as a refusal to engage with the other person's reality that tells them you aren't really wanting to listen to them or understand what they are going through.

Long before being a cancer patient I was on another message board where, when people started a cancer thread for personal support, there were always those who would comment about every single person who they'd ever met who had died of cancer, ending with "fuck cancer!" and going off thinking they'd left a lovely supportive comment. I was often left shaking my head.

There are many people who mean well but do not stop to consider the way their words may impact a sick or dying person.

Really the patient can choose their own adjectives while still alive. The ones I use most often for myself are "tired" and "busy" with maybe a side of "fucking pissed off" whether stated in those words or just implied, at this or that. Sometimes "scared" "lonely" etc if being honest. I often say I'm "ok" which isn't really accurate but just means there is no huge crisis and I'm still here. Of course there are the nice and fun moments still but I don't really have an adjective for that except to mention the things I'm enjoying... luckily there are still quite a few! 😊 I enjoy clothes shopping, I lost so much weight that all my bottom half clothes fell off me and everything had to be replaced, it's been great fun! I said very seriously to my social worker that I couldn't go naked from the waist down as it's a "quality of life issue" and she burst out laughing. As long as I can make them laugh.... 😅😆