To dislike describing a very ill person as a "fighter"?

[whatnexttt]

Both my parents have now died of cancer and I remember this being a term that irritated both of them since the first cancer diagnosis in our family in the nineties.

It's now used for loads of illnesses, including an autoimmune illness I myself have, and I still deeply dislike it. It just seems geared towards trying to make people shut up and not talk about the distressing sides of shitty illnesses - because "fighters" are brave and dignified and tough, right?

And I know it's just one of those things that people say without thinking, but by calling someone a fighter you are implying that there are also people who are not fighters, who are obviously doing illness wrong. It all feeds back into the way people who are not healthy try to rationalise devastating illness and death, and comfort themselves that it will never happen to them or their loved ones. But everyone dies, eventually. It is not a character flaw!

Why is this still inane "fighter" bollocks trotted out so much at people who are sick and sometimes even dying?

Lost their fight means they failed, that’s not how diseases work

Nothing much to add but hard agree. It's a stupid and hurtful way to describe it IMO

I live with cancer. An incurable variety.

The battleground language is common. Ive searched online and there are are many papers written about it . Fighter, fighting it, warrier, battle etc. Its so odd to talk in those terms about a disease. Cancer hasnt invaded my body from outside. Its merely my own body losing the ability to recognise a cancer cell and destroy it. No more no less. Innovative treatments means life sort of goes on as normal for me with 4 years of various treatments under my belt.

Because I look well there is an assumption Im doing well in my battle and ive fought it. Not quite sure what Ive fought as its the treatment thats holding it at bay not me with an enourmous catapult. It makes me laugh visualising myself wrestling or bare knucle boxing with a cancer cell. Sometimes I do ask what weapons I am meant to use to fight the cancer but I just get a blank look..

When I try to tell these people Ive literally no control over it and can only keep myself well by eating a balanced diet, staying hydrated and sleeping well and drag myself out to do some excercise to try to manage the side effects of the chemo they usually then say 'youre really strong'

Stand up to cancer gets my goat as well. What does that even mean? Argue with it? Flex muscles in front of it?

And cancer survivor! If I hadnt survived I wouldnt be here surely?

I take all that nonsence with a pinch of salt. Cancer is still stigmatised and its only a broad term applied to many many different diseases and subtypes. My advanced breast cancer hss more in common with a gastric cancer with the same subtype than another breast cancer with a different subtype.

Quite simply people havent a clue, dont know what to say, dont want to talk about it and shut the convo down with the battle talk.

Its more annoying when minor slebs who have had primary cancer with a great prognosis suddenly become armchair experts and start telling people like me that our diet started our cancer or that eating a donut will cause the cancer to grow. I do write and ask them to link me to the peer reviwed medical paper or onco who supports it and Im usually blocked.

Hate hate hate ‘stand up to cancer’.
Both my parents died from cancer. How could they stand up to it? They didn’t stand a chance.
Every time I hear it on the TV it gives me the rage and I won’t donate.

I’ve had cancer and I hated the ‘you’re so brave’ as well. Felt like saying I didn’t have any bloody choice did I .

Stand up to cancer gets my goat as well. What does that even mean? Argue with it? Flex muscles in front of it?

I hate that too.

And don’t get me started on breast cancer awareness month in October with all that pinkwashing. We don’t need awareness, we need research and treatments.

Agreed. It implies they've somehow failed to fight enough if they die. I dislike it (unless someone chooses to label themselves that way)

Also agree how tasteless it is when people imply it must be lifestyle that caused a serious illness/lifestyle that will fix it.

I was fabulously healthy before I got diagnosed with a devastating neurological condition. There's no evidence it's caused by or can be treated by lifestyle. Yet still I get fuckwits recommending stupid things like pomegranate to me . And when the steroids to treat it caused me to put on weight (I got really savage moonface especially ) I got endless unsolicited dieting advice irrespective of how many times I told people it was the meds.

I was thinking about this today - the language we use about cancer - "be positive / fight it / a battle"
I find it all, I don't know, distasteful / offensive?
There are 3 things, IMO, someone needs:
Early detection
Great drugs / surgery
Luck

With one of them missing - that's it.

Yes ,it feels like a way of silencing the uncomfortable reality. Part of the bid to make cancer pink and glittery rather than something tough and scary. I think it's fine to add some sparkle round the ages to cheer people up/get them talking . But it's toxic if it people feel unable to talk about the darker sides too

I also dislike it, partly because coming to terms with any illness involves learning to live with it, and also because term fighting implies you could win, whereas most illness is out of our control.

I work with a lot of dying people. For some of them, and more commonly for their families, it’s important they they see it that way. It matters to them and it gives them a narrative that they find comforting. I’d say it or a similar term is used by about one-third of the families I’m meeting.

I don’t use it myself but I don’t criticise it’s use if it’s helping a family going through a dark time.

I thought stand up to cancer was because it's comedy (stand up?)
I hate it too though. The same as when someone's lost someone people say 'keep your chin up' and 'stay strong'

My husband died of cancer. He was very brave and calm throughout, but it was his doctors' job to flight the cancer. Not his. How could he?

The worst was when the doctors could no longer fight. When I called into work to tell my boss that all treatment had been withdrawn and that he was only likely to have a week or two left, she told me off for 'not being positive'.

I hated the P word even more than I hated the fighting talk. I will never use either to anyone with cancer or other life threatening condition, or to their family members.

It's patronizing and insulting.

Everyone does their best regardless.

Plus nobody has to be stoic and brave. Cry, scream, rage, laugh, etc

Always hated the expression too, even before my Dad died of cancer. It always implies that the cancer/disease has some sort of agency. Like it's this evil baddie out to get you when in most cases it is a natural occurance that unfortunately happens to some people. I think some people find it easier to understand in terms of something that has to be battled, whereas the far more terrifying truth is that it is something that can occur to any one of us at any time with little we can do to affect the outcome except take the treatment on offer.

YY, it demeans the situation of people who live (and then die) with cancer:
They don't fight, they just want to live.
There is no battle that they can fight, they can only hope that their body is able to fend off the attack that cancer is, hopefully with the aid of appropriate treatment, but they have no control over it.
I can say this with knowledge - my dad died of pancreatic cancer less than a month after he was diagnosed. I also taught a girl who eventually died at the age of 22 after getting a tumour in her femur. Her leg was amputated but it wasn't enough to ensure she would be cancer free going forward.
My cousin is currently dying after being diagnosed with bowel cancer about six years ago. There is no-one who wants to live more than her. She now has a grandchild who will never know her. She is a remarkably strong person, but this is nothing she can fight off. She did indeed work hard to keep her life as normal as possible, as long as possible, but she can't do that anymore.

To me 'fighting cancer' means the body/drugs/radio treatment is fighting the cancer.
I don't take it to mean the person is controlling the fight.
People say "I'm fighting a cold". I see it the same way - your antibodies/drugs are fighting it.
I don't think people are meaning the patient is/isn't fighting hard enough.
I have a friend going through cancer treatment at the moment - prognosis is not good - mentally she is strong - but it's the drugs fighting the cancer - she can't change that.

I know rheumatoid arthritis is in no way comparable to cancer of any type but my god, I detest the new name for its related charity; Versus Arthritis. You can't fight RA. It won't go away, all we can do is manage it. I'd suggest a name change to 'Co-Exist with Arthritis'.

That 'We Are Undefeatable' campaign gets on my tits too. Some of the charities involved are for MS, Parkinson's and Alzheimer's. Things that you really have no control over and suggesting that the natural course of events with these conditions is somehow 'defeat'.

Gosh yes. Am currently dealing with cancer. It is not a battle. Nor am I fighting it. I am dealing with it.

I also loathe being told I am on a journey. I am not. I am under going treatment.

Another hate is the term 'passing'. To me, that implies a peaceful death. My mother's death from respiratory failure was anything but pleasant.

Exactly this. Several of my family have had life-limiting illnesses, and 3 have died in the past couple of years. People say this kind of bullshit, and it’s horribly insensitive.
My role as a cancer nurse allows me the privilege of supporting patients through what is sometimes the worst experience of of their lives, and for a few, the last illness. None of them ‘fight’ or ‘battle’ their diagnosis: they are shocked, destabilised, and want to have the treatment they need for a cure, or for longer time with their families. The ones that don’t make it through are the ones who were unlucky enough to have a late or palliative diagnosis, not people who simply didn’t ‘fight’ hard enough. The ‘brave’ label simply stops many from being able to admit they are scared, or that they don’t know what to do.

I had a colleague who had a brain tumour, lots of treatment, radiation for example, and it went into remission. She came back to school for a visit, with strict instructions from her family that we were to talk about it as cured, when it wasn't. It was going t recur, as terminal. She was a particular type of Christian, and said that it wasn't right for such things to happen in the world, it was evil, and so she saw the remission as God's will for a healing, and we could say nothing. I don't know what happened to her when it came back, but thought often how she had been set up for something challenging for her beliefs. I went to her funeral, and learned, as one does, of how she had done tremendously good things about which we knew nothing. But I don't think she wass served well by that lie.
Thanks for the comments about the poem.

Same with me. You can’t control a fight, battle, war anyway- no one can.

So I think the idea that some of us refer to ourselves as fighting cancer because we want the illusion of control is missing the mark.

YANBU. I hate those terms too, although I’m sure the people that use them are well meaning.