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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop DD going to this house because of the dog?

336 replies

gonaenodaethat · 03/03/2008 11:38

My DD is 5 and in reception. She is very fond of another little girl who has been to play at our house several times.
When her daddy came to pick her up last time he said 'We'll arrange for you to come to ours soon' to DD.
However I know that they have one of those Staffordshire Bull Terrier type dogs and I'm just not happy to take the chance of DD being around it.
So, do I make an excuse when they ask and not let her go or should I broach the subject with the parents and ask them to keep her away from it?
Or am I just being precious and slightly ignorant?

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 03/03/2008 15:47

gonaenodaethat - I think you are being unreasonable, but for good reason iyswim.

If you are worried about the dog, just say to them that you are a bit nervous about DD being around dogs that you don't know. That way they can reassure you that the dog is good with children (staffies are excellent with children actually - although can be a little bit mental and OTT) or assure you that the dog will be kept out of the way. It would be a great shame for your DD to miss out on a potential friendship because of this. Maybe you would feel better if you met the dog? I have a little jack russel type dog who IMO is as trustworthy as any dog. So that would be 99% then - i used to only say 80% till i had Bob but he is a star. HOWEVER, if i were to have children visiting, i would most likely put him outside or keep him away for the simple reason that he is very boisterous and jumps up. Staffs are mad as hatters and would probably be the same, so chances are the owners would put him in another room anyway.

I don't think you are being precious at all, you cannot help your concerns in the light of all the bad publicity (and the idiots who strut around with this little toughies on big studded leads like they are big macho men), but if you dont handle it right, you might appear to be precious to the other parents and that would be a shame as there is nothing worse than losing a friend when you are 5, and kids are so fickle, not being allowed to go round for tea could well be a deal breaker.

lucyellensmum · 03/03/2008 15:52

I do tend to agree with everyone who says that the dog should be put out. Thinking about this, my BIL was attacked by a german shephard dog when he was a small boy. This was because he was at a friends house playing rough and tumble with his friend, the normally friendly, lovely dog, bit him because he thought he was hurting "his boy". So that is food for thought. I would be the same regardless of breed.

I have no problem separating my dogs. I used to have a rottie that i had to put outside when some of my ADULT friends visited

Wisteria · 03/03/2008 15:57

Now unusually LEM I have to disagree

I don't agree with removing dogs from areas they are used to being in because other children come round to play - I agree that dogs must be supervised with children but I don't think it's fair to effectively punish a dog for not doing anything wrong. I would have no hope in doing that as the dogs would create havoc in the garden - I tend to keep the dogs in the kitchen with me when other dcs come over, that way I'm in control (well as much as I'm ever in control of anything )

lucyellensmum · 03/03/2008 16:11

Wisty, that is a bit of a But i know what you mean. I guess it depends on the dog, i reckon mine would much rather be outside rather than being pulled around by lots of children. Of course, there is a simpler answer - don't know why i didnt think of it - don't have any children round

Wisteria · 03/03/2008 16:16

far easier and yes it does depend on the dog, mine are quite young still so would feel left out - they love playing with the dcs

wannaBe · 03/03/2008 16:21

I don't agree with removing dogs either. Sometimes I've left the lead on the younger dog if we've had children round just so I can grab him if he gets ve excited, but the older dog just goes off to her basket or lies with me - I don't see why my dogs should have to be punished because children are coming round. I did take both dogs to my mums when I had 10 children over for a birthday party, but that was partly because the younger of the two does get a bit hyper so I wanted to enjoy the party without having hold of him, and partly because the older dog is 13 now and really wouldn't want to be subjected to 10 noisy children in her house. But that is the exception rather than the rule.

And I've never been asked about how I deal with the dogs when the children are there.

Also, I think it's one thing expressing your own fears about dogs, ie "I/children are a bit scared of dogs" but quite another to question what arrangements are in place based on the irational fears following media coverage. To me that sends out the message that you think that other parents would take unnecessary risks with their children - if I thought my dogs were likely to turn at any given moment I wouldn't have dogs.

ROSEgarden · 03/03/2008 16:23

havent read all psots so sorry if repeating, but i dont like dogs around children either so i wouldnt let dd go on playdate to house with dog..full stop..i wouldnt expect them to remove dog or even trust them to do it as its hthier dog why should they..so NO, playdates at yours all round then

Wisteria · 03/03/2008 16:27

No Rose, you'd hate my house, but can I just say that not only have I never been asked what my 'dog policies' are - I have never been asked whether or not I have a dog either.......

To be honest if someone wouldn't let their dc come to play because I have a dog without even bothering to meet or ask about our dogs then I wouldn't view it as much of a loss

I would be worried that your children will never know how to approach a dog safely though and hope they don't grow up with a related phobia. Children in my house are taught how to treat my dogs and we have a no touching when they are in their beds rule - they know they will be left alone there.

chamaeleon · 03/03/2008 16:28

i think the biggest problem is owners not realising how scary their dogs are. i collected ds from his mates house 2 weeks after having a cs. their staffy kept jumping at me and they just laughed telling me he would hurt me. he was bloody hurting me but they didnt realise because he was their lovely old softy who they thought wouldnt hurt a fly. i would have happily shot the damn thing, along with its owners!

i think its just polite to remove animals, i have cats and always ask visitors if they mind them being about. even if they say its fine but they dont look completely over the moon to see them i remove them because i can admit that not everyone likes my pets. i find it very worrying that people put dogs comfort above the safety of visiting children, surely this supports the pack mentality of the dog being higher up the hierarchy than the new person in the house?

chamaeleon · 03/03/2008 16:29

oops, wouldnt hurt me of course, that kind of changes the meaning quite a lot!!!!

wannaBe · 03/03/2008 16:29

"i dont like dogs around children either so i wouldnt let dd go on playdate to house with dog..full stop..". guess it's just as well your dd isn't in my ds' class then. Because I go in there with my dog every week. Obviously he's under control and well trained etc, but he's a dog, around children, .

Sorry but I find this attitude of not allowing children to go anywhere near dogs totally bizarre. presumably they're not allowed in cars either? or near roads, or men? .

lucyellensmum · 03/03/2008 16:30

sorry about the wisty, that looks unfriendly

mylovelymonster · 03/03/2008 16:32

YANBU or irrational. I've had dogs all my life (not at the moment tho) and I would understand if another mum was concerned. Your daughter's safety is paramount.
(Staff bull terrier?....hardly a labrador is it)

chamaeleon · 03/03/2008 16:32

i dont agree with stopping kids going anywhere near dogs - but i think putting them in a house with a dog they dont know and a dog who doesnt know them, especially if the owner refuses to admit there could ever be any safety issues is a bit irresponsible. im guessing you wouldnt put you kids in a car with a bloke you didnt know, not knowing if he could drive or not? it doesnt have to be an insult against you and your dog, just the same as you dont have to take it personally when people are worried about their kids being left with total strangers

Joolyjoolyjoo · 03/03/2008 16:34

I don't consider putting my dogs elsewhere as punishing them! Kids aren't always great around dogs, which can lead to a hard time for the dogs- tails get stood on, ears pulled etc etc. Also children don't always tell the truth. One of our friends' little monsters told us and her parents that our dog had snapped at her, even though I'd been with them the whole time, and knew she hadn't!! If her parents had been more neurotic, me and my dog could have been in trouble!i trust my dogs pretty implicitly (have often found dd2 curled up in their basket) but why take the chance?? I put my dogs out so THEY can get some peace- I've also seen lots of dogs presented to me where they have been injured (trapped in doors etc) by overenthusiastic children- not fair on the dogs!

ROSEgarden · 03/03/2008 16:34

Dont worry about my children Wisteria, there are more important things for her to learn and to overcome other than playing with dogs.
I dont agree with the 'how to treat dogs' policy, but like i said i dont like children and dogs together, i know not all dogs 'will' snap/bite, but IMO i dont care, im not gonna take the risk, i wouldnt let my dd play in the middle of our fairly quiet road either as there's always a chance, just once a car will come flying down, its eliminating the risk before something happens, i wouldnt want to be the one saying "oh its never bit before"...i get so tired of people letting dogs run riot around local parks (another story!)saying "he/she wont hurt them"..just because they havent 'up to now' doesnt mean they wont, theres already a thread on here about a family dog suddenly turning on the children..dogs cant be reasoned with like humans, cant be expected to they're animals.

wannaBe · 03/03/2008 16:36

but presumably you would get to know the parents before sending your children there on a playdate. and you said that your child would not be allowed to go to a house with a dog, end of.

I have two dogs.
One is a retired guide dog, and one is a working guide dog. Yes they are well trained, they are generally well behaved, but when in the house the working dog is no longer a working dog and the retired dog is now just a pet. And they are still dogs. Not staffies, or rottweilers, but a lab/lab retriever cross. but still they fall into the category of dog, those pack animals that can turn at any given moment. Would you refuse to let your child go to the house of someone that had a guide dog? or a hearing dog? or a dog for the disabled? because if so then you would be being prejudiced.

ROSEgarden · 03/03/2008 16:41

Wannabe, you take your dog INTO your childs CLASS?, im surprised your school allows it?

and dont get yourself upset because i dont like children and dogs mixing, thats my descision as a mother as a person, you feel differently, that IS allowed.

and im confused about your comment about going in cars or on roads or near men, do you mean dogs? or my children?..if you mean my children then your obviously have a problem with people having different opinions than you and feel the need to mock those people, what on earth does this thread have to do with your last snide comment?
i percieve you as being a most unnaproachable and unreasonable person and glad im sat at my computer and not in RL, in a class room with your very tame and controlled dog and several other parents having to keep their children to heel instead of your dog

redclover79 · 03/03/2008 16:44

I was going to ask a similar question as ds1 has been invited to tea at his friend's house. They have a staffy type which I don't trust (she's not a 'friendly confident' dog and she growled momentarily at me and ds2 when we stopped round). They've told me she's unstoppable while wearing a choke, halti and harness and Im not happy that the dog is left unsupervised with the kids when they go to the toilet etc. I'm probably BU, but I'm not letting ds1 go round for tea!

FioFio · 03/03/2008 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

wannaBe · 03/03/2008 16:46

he's a guide dog. so yes, he goes into class, and yes, it is allowed because guide dogs are allowed into any public place, that includes shops, bars, parks classrooms double . You have a problem with that? well tough shit. .

FioFio · 03/03/2008 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

wannaBe · 03/03/2008 16:47

hello fio

wannaBe · 03/03/2008 16:48

sorry, maybe I should leave this thread now.

beansmum · 03/03/2008 16:51

staffies are generally great with children. I would trust mine with any child.

I would be horrified if people thought twice about leaving their children with me. I would assume that they would know that I am a responsible adult and wouldn't leave someone elses child (or my own) alone with even the loveliest dog.