Situation at home yesterday

[AdviceNeededForMe]

Yesterday, H was raging. DD had borrowed his bike. He doesn’t like her using it but for no rational reason. She always looks after it and brings it home. He went ballistic. Im quite laid back, its not a problem to me. I said it was fine. H doesn’t use it.

Anyway all bloody night he was storming the house, he was drinking too. Such a bad mood. Told her off a couple of times, she mostly stayed out of his way. H swearing f-ing this and that. In front of all kids even the younger ones. I asked him to stop but he was in such a strop. Windows were open and all the village must have heard him.

when it came to bedtimes, i went to put younger kids to bed and he went to go downstairs. To watch TV. Still swearing and bumped into DD again. Typical teen interaction which wound him up. Anyway, she disappeared quickly and H slamming around with his dinner, could hear him swearing still as im in with the kid’s putting them to bed. Then he slams his empty dinner plate on the side, it smashes. Lots of noise. Then he grabs another beer and walks into the livingroom and slammed the door so hard, the whole house shook. What neighbourhood must have thought.

ive tried to talk to him today but i cant pin him down, he just walks off with air of hes done nothing wrong and its the rest of us.

its horrible living like this. Im trying to paper over the cracks, keeping the kids shielded from his moods but im seriously failing.

AIBU to be upset?

Seems pretty obvious to me, he's being a twat.

Even if she did take it without permission (which she didn't), he's supposed to be an adult FFS. Total over-reaction, especially since he never uses the thing.

Can understand him not being amused by it, but even being annoyed seems a stretch unless he'd specifically planned to take a vital bike-ride at that precise moment.

Tell him to grow up or get out.

Well done OP, you've found your line in the sand that can't be crossed. Can you use this weekend, whilst he's away, to gather copies of financial documentation (payslips, pension letters, bank accounts etc)?

So he doesn’t like her borrowing “his” bike but hasn’t gone and bought her one??? A simple solution to the fact she obviously needs one and he doesn’t want to lend his, but he’s not interested in actually solving the issue and helping his child, just using it as an excuse for a rampage.

And it’s everyone else’s fault when a rarely-used bike is borrowed and he throws a massive abusive destructive strop?! His wife and child are in the wrong because it is “his property”?! Where do these enablers draw the line? Can she watch “his” TV? Sit on “his” sofa? Can OP drink one of “his” beers in the fridge?

The bike is not the problem here the selfish abusive man-baby is the problem.

He is a controlling alcoholic bully. I hope you leave him and have a peaceful happy life with your kids.

I don't think anyone thinks his behaviour is OK but that doesn't mean we have to agree with her that lending things to other people when they don't belong to you is OK, even more so when you know the other person doesn't want to let people borrow them.

Just because his behaviour was unacceptable we don't have to pretend that the OP was in the right.

I grew up with a dad like this and it wasn't easy.

It was him and my older sister who clashed the most. Particularly when sister was between the ages of about 15-18. His behaviour towards her very typical and really minor teenage infractions were totally ridiculous and frankly out of order.
(I never had so many run-ins with him - don't know why particularly, although I am much more easy going than sis).

Honestly? DSis never forgave him. In later years Ddad seemed to forget about their interactions and couldn't possibly conceive the idea that the reason DSis was low contact was because of him.

The relationship never really got repaired. DSis couldn't/didn't want to forgive and forget, and DDad never seemed to realise the issue.
When DDad died unexpectedly in 2017, DSis openly said that she wasn't that upset "because he and I weren't that close."

In years to come OP, when your DH is older and is wondering why DD14 doesn't come to visit much, read him what you read here.

He sounds awful to live with.

He sounds foul OP, well done for kicking him out.

I guess a good present for dd for Christmas would be a bike. I'm sure you could pick one up cheaply locally.

@Iwasafool

"Just because his behaviour was unacceptable we don't have to pretend that the OP was in the right."

What did the OP do wrong? She agreed her daughter could ride a bike, owned by her partner, that is hardly ever used. I've missed something clearly...

one hundred percent agree with this- l was that child in that situation, your husband is mentally ill. What’s has been described here isn’t normal. I had to have therapy in my late teens because of my home situation at that time. Leave as soon as you can.

The amount he's spent on alcohol this week alone would have been a huge payment on a bike for your daughter.

If he has somewhere to go to then I'd move his stuff while he's away at the weekend.

Get out OP. I’m not one to jump on the LTB train, but it sounds miserable for you and the children. Your husband is a bully.

He sounds awful. Presumably he didn’t want to give her a lift as he was drinking. Borrowing his bike seems a reasonable compromise.

Even if it’s a gold plated championship bike that she absolutely shouldn’t have been borrowing it doesn’t justify his behaviour. Grounding, taking her phone off her for a day or two, fine.

Smashing plates, swearing and yelling like a drunken yob, not acceptable.

Leaving aside the abusive behaviour, the selfishness over a bike is not normal parental behavour. My lovely father would have starved or crawled over broken glass for me and this prince of a dad won't even lend his teen daughter a bike he doesn't even use.

I have been wanting to leave for a while now and end the marriage. Because i do everything anyway, i dont think i will feel much different bar the money side of things..

i say i want to split up but he says he doesnt, he loves me and wants us to “give it a chance to change” but then does nothing about it whilst drinking a beer. Im just done now. I just want a calm settled house where my kids feel happy.

He drinks daily, between 5-8 cans of beer. Will sit in a different room in the house to us. Hes got it cushy i guess. Doesn’t really help around the house. Hes too tired after work apparently! I work full time too and deal with the kids but then end up cleaning the house.

hes always got money for beer and nights out with the boys. Meanwhile ive no cash as im saving for this, that and the other.

DD is his child (they all are). He is quite possessive over his stuff. Its almost like he’s got a grudge against DD. If im doing something for DD eg giving her a lift or some cash to go out with friends/order some clothes, he will put on a silly voice and make me feel like i should feel like a mug, like shes taking the pee asking me for stuff and me doing it for her! Shes 14 ffs, i would do anything for her. Shes a good kid, doesn’t get into trouble

I will tell you that I am in my 50's and the sound of banging plates and cupboards being slammed still bring me right back to my incredibly dysfunctional childhood and can bring on a panic attack. I don't know how often this happens in your house but even once is doing your children no favors.

So he resents you spending time and attention on her? What a charmer.

Poor you OP. And your poor daughter. This a first for me, but I feel so strongly about it. You must, must, must ltb.

I think you're entitled to feel how you do. All I'd add is - cos I've said enough anyway 😁 - the guy is clearly alcohol dependent - he may not be an alcoholic, but I've been there drinking most nights, it takes it's toll mentally & physically and is really hard to stop.

If - big if - he's worth fighting for, insist he gets help and keep the door slightly ajar. It's not your responsibility either way, at least not until he's ready to sort his head out. Stay safe, throw him out (for now at least)...

He has it extremely cushy, and it sounds like he is pretty sure you won’t leave him.

Woman’s aid has an online chat function.

There is also a good website called Rights of Women which can help with legal questions.

He sounds like a drunk man baby - the ick I would feel. Useless and lazy as well as abusive. Even if I was broke I would rather scratch pennies together than deal with that.

This. Above is how a normal dad would behave.

Surprised that a lot of focus is on your teen using a bike he's not used more than 5 times in a decade - and she did ask the only available parent.

But after what you all endured in his reaction to this, DD is still expected to get a stern talking to for not asking permission. -
as if his behaviour was in any way reasonable. It was not.

OP Your later comments about how he's jealous of you giving DD attention or assistance are worrying. How are you all and your DD feeling after this incident?

He's an abusive alcoholic.

It's horrible to hear about kids living like this.

You need to start your plan to leave now. Otherwise you are complicit in harming the DCs.

Same. I engaged some guys to dismantle and remove an old wardrobe last month and the sound of smashing furniture really brought me back. It was surprising how much it affected me. I had to make up a reason to step outside for a bit.

I hope OP has enough real-life support to get herself and kids out of this situation.

But it's his bike and he doesn't want her using it. Would you be happy if he gave permission for someone to use something of yours without consultation? (Particularly if he knew you didn't want them to?)

He's acting like a twat, but it wasn't your place to give your daughter the go ahead so you have some part to play here