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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Situation at home yesterday

329 replies

AdviceNeededForMe · 08/09/2023 13:29

Yesterday, H was raging. DD had borrowed his bike. He doesn’t like her using it but for no rational reason. She always looks after it and brings it home. He went ballistic. Im quite laid back, its not a problem to me. I said it was fine. H doesn’t use it.

Anyway all bloody night he was storming the house, he was drinking too. Such a bad mood. Told her off a couple of times, she mostly stayed out of his way. H swearing f-ing this and that. In front of all kids even the younger ones. I asked him to stop but he was in such a strop. Windows were open and all the village must have heard him.

when it came to bedtimes, i went to put younger kids to bed and he went to go downstairs. To watch TV. Still swearing and bumped into DD again. Typical teen interaction which wound him up. Anyway, she disappeared quickly and H slamming around with his dinner, could hear him swearing still as im in with the kid’s putting them to bed. Then he slams his empty dinner plate on the side, it smashes. Lots of noise. Then he grabs another beer and walks into the livingroom and slammed the door so hard, the whole house shook. What neighbourhood must have thought.

ive tried to talk to him today but i cant pin him down, he just walks off with air of hes done nothing wrong and its the rest of us.

its horrible living like this. Im trying to paper over the cracks, keeping the kids shielded from his moods but im seriously failing.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
SomeCatFromJapan · 08/09/2023 15:33

Has this site been invaded about MRAs or are there just a lot of women with internalised misogyny who can't see abuse if it's screaming into their faces?

SomeCatFromJapan · 08/09/2023 15:33

I mean seriously, fuck the bike. The bike is irrelevant.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 08/09/2023 15:34

Oh, good for you, OP. I’d be talking to your DD about ways of getting her a bike to use. Are you in a local FB group? It’s the sort of thing many people are willing to lend if they have one lying about. Then you can look to buy her what she’d like later on.

Booklover40 · 08/09/2023 15:38

What kind of father begrudges his dd taking a bike that he never uses?

A selfish, abusive, nasty bellend of a father that's who.

If my dh acted like this it would be game over - you must all be walking on eggshells around him, that's no way to live.

MrsDukeOfHastings · 08/09/2023 15:38

I cannot believe the amount of people who are saying her taking the bike is unacceptable blah blah...its a bike, she's a child, HIS child. I could not imagine getting that angry with my own child for using something as simple as a bike. It's not like she stole his credit card and went on a spending spree racking up 1000s, absolutely unbelievable, even then it wouldn't warrant his behaviour.

OP I feel for you and your kids, he is selfish and abusive and it's no way to live. I hope you get the support you need.

HarrietJet · 08/09/2023 15:39

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 08/09/2023 13:33

You backed up dd taking something that wasn't hers?

Oh, ffs! It's her Dad's, she didn't steal it from a little old lady in the street.

Furryrug · 08/09/2023 15:39

Viviennemary · 08/09/2023 15:29

Of course his behaviour is unacceptable. But you know he doesn't like your DD borrowing the bike but nevertheless you allowed it. Why? He will feel his wishes and property are not respected.

Disrespected ? Anyone who smashes plates , ignores their family and makes the children frightened enough so that they avoid them, doesn't really deserve to be respected.

LakieLady · 08/09/2023 15:40

Viviennemary · 08/09/2023 15:29

Of course his behaviour is unacceptable. But you know he doesn't like your DD borrowing the bike but nevertheless you allowed it. Why? He will feel his wishes and property are not respected.

He's abusive and therefore not worthy of respect.

Ibetthatyoulookgoodon · 08/09/2023 15:41

@missmollygreen “You caused this. Get DD her own bike”

WTF - this is straight out of the gaslighters’r’us handbook 😂

No doubt she shouldn’t have given her daughter permission to use the bike, knowing H would not want her to us it, but no-one ‘causes’ unreasonable behaviour. We all have agency and no one forced him to behave the way he did which was incredibly inappropriate.

MsRosley · 08/09/2023 15:46

SomeCatFromJapan · 08/09/2023 15:33

Has this site been invaded about MRAs or are there just a lot of women with internalised misogyny who can't see abuse if it's screaming into their faces?

Yeah, you're right. I didn't read all OP's posts thoroughly enough to see this was a common pattern of behaviour. I thought it was a one-off.

jeaux90 · 08/09/2023 15:49

Good for you OP. Chucking his abusive arse out is the right call.

HarpieDuJour · 08/09/2023 15:50

If it hadn't been about the bike, it would have been something else.

I grew up with a violent, angry father. We all tiptoed around him, trying not to trigger another episode. He didn't often drink, but the anger was the same. Sometimes it would be because I did x or y, and sometimes it would be because I didn't do the same thing. His anger came from him, he just felt that he needed an excuse to become violent.

OP, I hope you find a way forward and that you all get away from this terrible situation. My mother never did, and she still excuses and justifies what he did (to be fair, she wasn't really any better herself).

meatyryvita · 08/09/2023 15:55

Behaviour like that is designed to intimidate which is abusive. What an absolute prick. OP, he's awful and shouldn't be around any of you - easy to say, I know.

SpicyMoth · 08/09/2023 15:56

Honestly your H sounds exactly like my father... I obviously don't know full context, but my mum has always said she'd wished she'd left him when I was a lot younger as opposed to waiting until I was 18.
Honestly I wished the same as well.
I feel like talking to your DD and seeing how she feels about everything would be a really good starting step. Your H is being incredibly irrational, there's no point leaning into it and making him feel like he's justified.

everetting · 08/09/2023 15:58

I think MN has not been a safe site for some time for abused women. There are always comments on any thread justifying the abuse.
And OP he is abusive. Don't cover it up from your relatives and friends. Tell them he screams, shouts and breaks things if you or the children do things he does not like.

3peassuit · 08/09/2023 15:59

The anger he’s shown over what most people would see as a trivial matter is alarming. I’m sure this can’t have been the first time he has behaved in this way. Im glad OP is taking steps to get him out of the home.

GirlOfTudor · 08/09/2023 16:01

So he directed his anger at her when she'd done everything right.

From your follow ups, he doesn't sound like fun to be in a relationship with.

Time to consider whether you can live like this long term.

SoShallINever · 08/09/2023 16:06

5128gap · 08/09/2023 13:44

If it helps OP, Every single aspect of his behaviour would be a deal breaker for me. From his meaness with his bike, to the swearing, the breaking of household items, the drinking, the sheer aggressive noise of the man. I'd not put up with any one of those things and neither should your DC. You're entitled to peace in your home not having it disturbed by a foul mouthed, foul tempered drunken apology for a man. I hope you are able to leave him. Life shouldn't be like thst.

Completely agree with this.

Chippy4me · 08/09/2023 16:08

HarpieDuJour · 08/09/2023 15:50

If it hadn't been about the bike, it would have been something else.

I grew up with a violent, angry father. We all tiptoed around him, trying not to trigger another episode. He didn't often drink, but the anger was the same. Sometimes it would be because I did x or y, and sometimes it would be because I didn't do the same thing. His anger came from him, he just felt that he needed an excuse to become violent.

OP, I hope you find a way forward and that you all get away from this terrible situation. My mother never did, and she still excuses and justifies what he did (to be fair, she wasn't really any better herself).

Exactly!

To all those minimising this and saying she shouldn’t have borrowed the bike - the bike is irrelevant!

This isn’t a normal home life.

I live with just my DD and we have such a lovely home.
Its not big, expensive or decorated that nice but we both feel so safe and comfortable.

Neither of us has ever had to walk around on egg shells or avoid a family member.
There is no shouting, door slamming or plate smashing.

This is how your home is meant to feel.

I grew up in a DV home.
The violence was not ok obviously but I actually found the walking around on egg shells worse because you were just waiting for him to find an excuse to get angry.

MrsColinRobinson · 08/09/2023 16:17

SomeCatFromJapan · 08/09/2023 15:33

Has this site been invaded about MRAs or are there just a lot of women with internalised misogyny who can't see abuse if it's screaming into their faces?

THIS!

Particularly to the idiot accusing OP of deliberately authorising the use of the bike to wind up her husband. It takes a certain type of spiteful thinking to stretch to that.

Daisyislazy · 08/09/2023 16:17

NotMyDayJob · 08/09/2023 13:49

Why is everyone focussing on the bike? She's 14 for fucks sake. If the worst she has done is borrow a bike he never even uses you're doing pretty well. Aside from anything the only appropriate response from him should be, I don't mind you borrowing the bike but next time ask me please.

And you said he bumps into her physically? Is he hurting her?

Honestly some of you need to have a word with yourselves.

This

Turfwars · 08/09/2023 16:18

I think you made the right choice asking him to leave.

I'm middle aged and I and my siblings still remember the tension in the house when our parents had argued and it wasn't even close to the yelling, swearing and breaking stuff that you've experienced. It's not good for the kids.

Iwasafool · 08/09/2023 16:21

His behaviour sounds terrible but you shouldn't have said she could borrow his bike, you know he doesn't like it and it isn't your decision to make. Buy the poor kid a bike if she needs one. You can get decent ones quite cheap if you look around.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 08/09/2023 16:23

No amount of anger is justified for using a bike that he's not even bothered much with. No amount of using a bike warrants this behaviour to his family - but you can see from the replies here why he thinks he is entirely justified. As so many posters say now, there's a lot of scary shit on MN. Women (I presume) actually thinking this is ok.

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 08/09/2023 16:24

Is your DD your H's DSD?
I have every sympathy for you and your DC, being in a house with an abusive drinker.
It is horrible.
I understand that you wanted to help your DD see her friend, but the bike wasn't yours to lend.
You say you are rural, so maybe explain to DD that she will have to accept a less expensive bike than she wants, at least in the short term, so that she can still see her friends easily.
Good luck, I hope it works out for you and you are soon living a peaceful life.