Strained relations with Adult DC

[Suzyinpain]

Name changed for this. Posting for help and traffic.

I need help to word a message to begin to put things right.

Background that I think may be relevant:
I had a very strained relationship with my mother who I felt was controlling.
I have tried very hard not to repeat this with my own DC.
Adult DD lives a very long way away from me. we are both in the UK.
I see her maybe twice a year. Manly DH (her father) and I travel to her.
She rarely "comes home" mainly due to her work.
She is single, always has been, childfree, living in a house share in her mid / late 30s.

In June we were meeting up at a family wedding. Chatting on Whatsapp - she had seen an outfit she really liked. Slightly more than her usual budget, but not extortionately so. She was debating whether to buy it or go for a less expensive (and in my opinion less suitable) outfit, or continue to look.
Without asking her, I transferred half the cost of the more expensive outfit. I honestly thought that that would help her to choose. I could afford it and wanted her to have a treat, a little less financial stress but no strings. I stated that it was in case it helped her to decide and to feel free to just spend it on Prosecco if she would rather.
Obviously I was wrong to do this- She accused me of coercing her and being controlling. exactly the things I felt my mum did to me. The money was returned.
I was very hurt and I am still upset. When I reflected on my behaviour I realise I'm not upset that the money was returned, but because of the accusations. Being coercive and controlling is the main thing I have feared all my life.

We had one message exchange after I sent the money. Her message returning it accused me of trying to control her choices. She recognised I meant things kindly but I should have asked and waited for a response from her before "taking control". She hoped it wouldn't spoil our planned family wedding but we really need to have a think about how to avoid the situation in future.
I apologised, recognised I had got it wrong and that it could be perceived differently.
We met at the wedding. Things were slightly strained but friendly. It wasn't the place to try to sort the "elephant" out. We've not had any contact since, although she's in regular contact with her DF.
I am still hurting. So is she. She has told DH that she doesn't want to stay with us when she comes to our city for a friends significant birthday because of this.
DH has suggested I try to write to her.

Thank you for making it this far.
I know I was wrong. I don't know if I've done anything previously / regularly to cause her to make this accusation. We both obviously want to sort things out. I just don't know where to start. I am not good at expressing myself in words - but she really is. Please help.

*manly should read mainly.

On the surface, you did something nice for her, however what’s missing is the wider context. You’ve said very little about your relationship with your daughter, and there’s clearly a lot more to this.

I am sorry but I honestly hand on heart feel you have done nothing wrong here. You did a lovely,kind,generous thing for your dd. She is acting in a bizarre way ,very ungreatful in my view for what its worth. Stop feeling like this,the issue is hers and hers alone. She is behaving really dreadfully to you and I would put a stop to her silly accusations and tell her to park her atrocious attitude right now as you are not listening to it anymore. You did nothing at all wrong.

It sounds like a very painful and difficult situation for you and I can see why you would be finding it hard. From what you have said, you sending the money seems as though it can't be the thing that upset her because taken on its own it was a kind and loving thing to do. I wonder if it was the words you used to persuade her or in how you reacted to the two choices? Perhaps you made it too clear that you preferred the more expensive choice and she felt that you sending the money was you trying to force her to buy the more expensive dress?

Have you ever spoken to your DD about your relationship with your mother and how you found her to be controlling? If so, your DD may be picking up on this as a potential pattern of behaviour and may be more sensitive to it. Either way, the way I would take it forward would be to tell her about your issues with your own mother in a vulnerable and open way and explain why you are so sensitive to feeling like you are repeating patterns. You can say something like "I may not have told you this before but I found my own mother to be controlling and we had a difficult relationship because of this. I am highly sensitive to any suggestion that I might be following in that pattern of behaviour because I so desperately don't want to repeat it with you and because I feel scared and ashamed when I feel like I might be repeating it. I know im not perfect and im sorry if I have you the wrong impression with my words and actions. I trust you to make decisions without me and I know sometimes what you need is for me to listen, not for me to find solutions. I really hope we can move forward and I will try and be careful about how I approach things in the future".

Please do try to be kind to yourself though. You clearly meant it in a kind way and it's not always easy to re-parent yourself as an adult and change learnt patterns of behaviour. It also sounds like perhaps she was being overly sensitive and is not being very forgiving.

I think there will be more to this. She has over reacted May be but my guess is, although you have done your best, your mum’s way of being leaked out at times. I say this as both the daughter in a similar situation and as a parent who is desperately trying to avoid history repeating but messing up at times.

its great that you are thinking about it.

There is more to this that this incident. It sounds like it's tipped her over the edge.

It does sound upsetting, but also the fact you only see each other twice a year rings alarm bells.

It wasn't an unkind gesture, but there is more than this gesture to her upset.

I think you're being vague with details on purpose. This situation makes it seem like you've never done anything wrong and your DD had a massive overreaction, however given the fact that your relationship is strained and distant, and she chooses to never visit there is clearly a lot more going on than simply sending her 'string free' money.

I get it, OP and I've had something similar with two of my DDs. I didn't have a good relationship with my mother and I've done my best to be as perfect as possible and I thought things were ok.

My family culture was to give each other surprise gifts, also an Irish tradition of never going to someone's house without something and being sure to give them a little something on their way home.

So I was a little shocked as my DDs grew into young adults that they at first, mocked me for giving them things and refused to take things and then were annoyed if I gave them money or a surprise present. It's really shocking to be on the end of that and I have resigned myself to only giving presents at Christmas or birthdays and that's how it is but it does't feel comfortable and I struggle to find a conversation about it that goes more than a sentence or too.

I read the other day about the huge inequalities that are developing in the property market in Ireland, just like here, and some young people have loads of money dolloping down from parents and grandparents to buy property whereas some are shut out of house owning at all. And I ask myself what is wrong with giving someone half the cost of an expensive outfit for a special reason?

I'll probably get flamed for saying it but along with some very wise people on this site, there are also those who appear on threads like the recent 'boomer' one blaming older people for events over which they had no control. I haven't ever heard my DDs express any sentiments like the ones of that thread but who knows? Look at the sorts of things young men are saying under the influence of Andrew Tate? I have come to the point of saying, I am open and will listen to anything anyone wants to say but if they choose not to talk to me, well then it is what it is.

“Hi X. I’d really like to address the elephant in the room. I’m sorry about sending you money for that dress - I realise it made you feel like I was being controlling and forcing you to pick the one I preferred. I was trying to do something nice for you by helping you treat yourself, but clearly it went wrong. Is this why you don’t want to stay with us when you come here? Or are there other problems between us? Whatever it is, please let’s talk and resolve things. I miss you and would love to see you.”

@notlucreziaborgia I thought I had a good relationship with her. She's a bit too like me and we do clash occasionally, but (I thought ) it was generally quickly sorted, but maybe I have ignored things. I brought her up to be independent and she is. I'm very proud of her. She has accused me of being rather passive aggressive a few times, and she's probably right. I am trying not to be and making big strides but slowly. She's not lived with, or particularly near to us since she left for university so maybe she hasn't seen the change. Maybe I haven't accepted she's an independent woman in my head as much as I'd like?
@whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher She has actually been quite adult in her approach, recognising her actions might have hurt. My DH, her DF usually supports me in everything or gently puts a neutral point of view. He totally gets where I'm coming from but feels I was wrong in this instance. I want a good relationship with my daughter, she wants a good relationship with me. We're both ready to try. I still hurt, possibly unreasonably at this distance. I haven't seen or heard from her for three months. I haven't contacted her for three months. I miss her more than I can possibly say.

My adult daughter always used to accuse me of overstepping when i thought she needed help
She said to me 'Help is not Help, if I do not ask for it'

And that sentence taught me a lot

As a daughter who is estranged from her parents, this is what I would want. Tell her you’d like to improve your relationship with her and you’d like to meet to listen to her needs. This bit is really important. You listen and you don’t justify or defend yourself. If you need to apologise to her, do it fully. Don’t try to blame anyone else for your behaviour. Then you ask her to tell you what she needs from you. Write it down. Then tell her you love her and you really want to work on your relationship. Ask her how you move forward. What she needs from you.

I don't see anything wrong with what you did in this instance to be honest.

But I don't know about anything else that has happened previously so hard to comment.

I don't have a good relationship with my mum.
My mum really believes she's right on it all though. She's made her mind up about me.

In my experience, if we’re too apologetic to people, it can encourage them to seek faults in us. I don’t think you did anything wrong in this instance. It sounds like you’re walking on eggshells with your not so DD. Good luck!

Dear DD,

I hope you are well, we haven't spoken in 3 months and I miss being in contact with you. I m sorry I overstepped the mark by transferring money directly into your account. I realise now that even though the action was meant as a good intention, I didn't think it through fully. I wanted to ensure you had a choice, I didn't want to influence your choice, however on refection I could have communicated better. I hope you accept this apology and we can put it behind us.

Speak soon, with much love, mum xx

I think she was looking for a fight .. why tell you the saga of the dress buying decision .. whatever you said or did could be taken offence at.

I paid for my daughter's wedding dress. She didn't know until she went to do so. She was over the moon. It was an act of love which she knew. If she'd behaved like your daughter it would be the last thing I helped her with.

I can't believe that in a normally good and strong relationship your DD would have this reaction to you sending her a gift of money. As a daughter I would have happily received it, and as the mother of a daughter, my DD would happily receive it too. So is there a long history of overstepping/smothering from you? Because on the face of it and unless i'm missing something vital, this is a massive overeaction from your daughter and I would be pissed off at her in your shoes.

You may feel its a no strings attached but really it is. You thought by sending her the money it would help her pick the one you thought was more suitable because it would take away any money worries. What you should have said was maybe have a look at few more outfits before making your mind up, if you are worried about the cost I am happy to help towards it .

"She was debating whether to buy it or go for a less expensive (and in my opinion less suitable) outfit, or continue to look."

This was the most revealing part of your post. Worrying so many other can't see it.

I have a mother who forces money on me, I once told her if she forced any further money on me I would throw it into the fire. She can be blindly /unknowingly abusive, when this is pointed our to her, she denies reality and at the next meeting she forces money on me. Literally forces. Pays for her abusive tendencies with cash, then if I mention anything in passing about buying something, she will try to insist that I was hinting at suggesting she pay for whatever it is.

Never in my life have I asked her for a penny.

Now when she forces money on me I accept it, because she is going to be abusive regardless, and she is going yo be forceful about her money regardless.

OP I think where you might have gone wrong is you were opinionated about your daughters guest wedding outfit, you wanted to dress her up in the more sophisticated outfit (in your opinion), and I guess that forcing of the money is I fantasising and annoying. I m sure your independent daughter is capable of making independent choices as to how to budget and what to prioritise.

Putting the money into her account was interfering, but typical enough of a parent, adult child relationship. If you wouldn't do it to another female friend, then don't do it to your daughter.

Infantalising

Oh dear the joy of miscommunications. It was a very kind gesture of you; however, I wonder whether she feels you are disappointed in her or that she underachieves - I appreciate it sounds like a huge jump, but the comment about her living in a shared house stood out - it’s a detail that adds nothing but you have included.

It's interesting reading different opinions.
I don't have a good relationship with my mum but she has occasionally given me money for things like in this post.
But she has always said 'i'll give you the money for it.'
Rather than asked me or said I'm happy to contribute.
I would much rather she did just say 'i'll give you the money' because I hate to ask.
I don't think I've ever asked her for money since I left uni

I think this is the key. I'm guessing it was very obvious to her which dress you preferred. But she hasn't decided which dress she wanted yet.

By putting money in her account for the more expensive dress, you were trying to get her to choose the dress YOU preferred.

She should have said 'oh thanks mum it DOES help me make my mind up, it covers the entire cost of the dress I prefer, so that's great'