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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strained relations with Adult DC

126 replies

Suzyinpain · 08/09/2023 11:17

Name changed for this. Posting for help and traffic.

I need help to word a message to begin to put things right.

Background that I think may be relevant:
I had a very strained relationship with my mother who I felt was controlling.
I have tried very hard not to repeat this with my own DC.
Adult DD lives a very long way away from me. we are both in the UK.
I see her maybe twice a year. Manly DH (her father) and I travel to her.
She rarely "comes home" mainly due to her work.
She is single, always has been, childfree, living in a house share in her mid / late 30s.

In June we were meeting up at a family wedding. Chatting on Whatsapp - she had seen an outfit she really liked. Slightly more than her usual budget, but not extortionately so. She was debating whether to buy it or go for a less expensive (and in my opinion less suitable) outfit, or continue to look.
Without asking her, I transferred half the cost of the more expensive outfit. I honestly thought that that would help her to choose. I could afford it and wanted her to have a treat, a little less financial stress but no strings. I stated that it was in case it helped her to decide and to feel free to just spend it on Prosecco if she would rather.
Obviously I was wrong to do this- She accused me of coercing her and being controlling. exactly the things I felt my mum did to me. The money was returned.
I was very hurt and I am still upset. When I reflected on my behaviour I realise I'm not upset that the money was returned, but because of the accusations. Being coercive and controlling is the main thing I have feared all my life.

We had one message exchange after I sent the money. Her message returning it accused me of trying to control her choices. She recognised I meant things kindly but I should have asked and waited for a response from her before "taking control". She hoped it wouldn't spoil our planned family wedding but we really need to have a think about how to avoid the situation in future.
I apologised, recognised I had got it wrong and that it could be perceived differently.
We met at the wedding. Things were slightly strained but friendly. It wasn't the place to try to sort the "elephant" out. We've not had any contact since, although she's in regular contact with her DF.
I am still hurting. So is she. She has told DH that she doesn't want to stay with us when she comes to our city for a friends significant birthday because of this.
DH has suggested I try to write to her.

Thank you for making it this far.
I know I was wrong. I don't know if I've done anything previously / regularly to cause her to make this accusation. We both obviously want to sort things out. I just don't know where to start. I am not good at expressing myself in words - but she really is. Please help.

OP posts:
ferntwist · 08/09/2023 22:06

I feel hurt for you. She’s really overstepped the mark

BalloonSlayer · 08/09/2023 22:18

Other people have made very good posts but my two penn'orth is that if any of my children say to me about something: "I like this one but can't really afford it," I interpret this as a bloody great hint to "give me some money please" and I think I am generally correct.

TheWayofBeing · 08/09/2023 22:29

Unless there's a background I think she's acted really weirdly. But there must be a history as otherwise I'd never react like that to my mum.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 08/09/2023 22:38

I think she's being a bit ott giving you the money back
I'd have just said "it's what mums do 🤷"
And it's true. My mum has been out shopping with me before and if I saw something I liked or she'd end up paying at the til as a nice gesture etc.
The fact you'd said about buying prosecco if she had gone for the cheaper version negated any pressure she could have felt of she thought you wanted her to buy the more expensive one.

She's being ridiculous. I wouldn't address it with her, I wouldn't be writing letters on txts or whatever pandering to her.
Let her stay at her friend's house or wherever.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 08/09/2023 22:39

BalloonSlayer · 08/09/2023 22:18

Other people have made very good posts but my two penn'orth is that if any of my children say to me about something: "I like this one but can't really afford it," I interpret this as a bloody great hint to "give me some money please" and I think I am generally correct.

Correct

Lunde · 08/09/2023 22:46

Do you have a tendency to try and steer her towards your choices or point of view?

When you wrote - "Chatting on Whatsapp - she had seen an outfit she really liked. Slightly more than her usual budget, but not extortionately so. She was debating whether to buy it or go for a less expensive (and in my opinion less suitable) outfit, or continue to look."

She was still thinking over her options. When you transferred money with no warning you may have felt you were offering her a lovely treat whereas from her side she may have perceived it as you attempting to force her hand steer her towards the dress that you deemed "suitable" when she wasn't decided.

It's a tricky one but it would have been better to say something like "If you really want that dress then I'd be happy to contribute" - by just sending the money it may have felt more obligation than gift.

Lunde · 08/09/2023 22:52

BalloonSlayer · 08/09/2023 22:18

Other people have made very good posts but my two penn'orth is that if any of my children say to me about something: "I like this one but can't really afford it," I interpret this as a bloody great hint to "give me some money please" and I think I am generally correct.

With some kids - yes.

But not all. I have one DD who would always accept the money but another one who would not always like this as she is proud of being able to afford to buy her own things and chooses to be frugal and not buy if not sure of the value - I offered her £300 to buy a gown for her student ball but instead she bought one for £49 in a sale (probably how she managed to save £5K as a student)

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/09/2023 23:07

I have one a bit like this! She's very prickly at times. She does always accept money though!

One thing is, you don't get any respect unless you stand up for yourself. She is bullying you and trying to make you feel bad about yourself. All you did was give her a treat.

Look at the threads on here. Tons and tons of women get money from their families and those who don't are often jealous of that. I'm wondering about your daughter and how her friends would respond if she was complaining that you were giving her money that she hadn't asked for and said she could spend it on whatever she wanted. I think there would be quite a few raised eyebrows.

margotmargeaux · 08/09/2023 23:08

I would be so happy to have my Mum around and to be be so thoughtful.

Your daughter doesn't realise how lucky she is.

Blondewithredlips · 08/09/2023 23:09

whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher · 08/09/2023 11:22

I am sorry but I honestly hand on heart feel you have done nothing wrong here. You did a lovely,kind,generous thing for your dd. She is acting in a bizarre way ,very ungreatful in my view for what its worth. Stop feeling like this,the issue is hers and hers alone. She is behaving really dreadfully to you and I would put a stop to her silly accusations and tell her to park her atrocious attitude right now as you are not listening to it anymore. You did nothing at all wrong.

Completely agree with this.

Walesagogo · 08/09/2023 23:11

Suzyinpain · 08/09/2023 11:38

@notlucreziaborgia I thought I had a good relationship with her. She's a bit too like me and we do clash occasionally, but (I thought ) it was generally quickly sorted, but maybe I have ignored things. I brought her up to be independent and she is. I'm very proud of her. She has accused me of being rather passive aggressive a few times, and she's probably right. I am trying not to be and making big strides but slowly. She's not lived with, or particularly near to us since she left for university so maybe she hasn't seen the change. Maybe I haven't accepted she's an independent woman in my head as much as I'd like?
@whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher She has actually been quite adult in her approach, recognising her actions might have hurt. My DH, her DF usually supports me in everything or gently puts a neutral point of view. He totally gets where I'm coming from but feels I was wrong in this instance. I want a good relationship with my daughter, she wants a good relationship with me. We're both ready to try. I still hurt, possibly unreasonably at this distance. I haven't seen or heard from her for three months. I haven't contacted her for three months. I miss her more than I can possibly say.

I'd use the relevant parts of the above to write to her. These express your feelings perfectly and in your own words, from your heart. You don't need someone else to suggest what you need to write, if that's the option you're thinking of. Also re read your other posts and take parts of those that are relevant too.
The longer you leave it then harder it will be to sort this. Send it via a blank card or one with a message on the front thats appropriate to you and her maybe.
Or you could write yourself some notes of what you'd like to say to her and phone her. People seem to forget that phones were originally for speaking to others and not just texting (dont mean you-just people in general)
I hope you can work through this together but obviously it may take time. Either way your dd will hopefully be relieved to discuss as its far harder to hold onto resentment than let it go.

BillAndBullseye · 08/09/2023 23:12

dinot · 08/09/2023 12:01

"She was debating whether to buy it or go for a less expensive (and in my opinion less suitable) outfit, or continue to look."

This was the most revealing part of your post. Worrying so many other can't see it.

I noticed this also

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/09/2023 23:13

Why have you not contacted her since the wedding?

If you upset her, albeit with good intentions, and the wedding (understandably) wasn't the place to deal with it why have you sat and waited for her to contact you?

I think there is background to this, and if you don't know what the background is @Suzyinpain you need to speak to your daughter and find out, because it seems very obvious that there is a back story to this from her pov.

Walesagogo · 08/09/2023 23:15

BillAndBullseye · 08/09/2023 23:12

I noticed this also

Show quote history

Agree with this. Also depends on whether she was asking for your opinion or just mulling it over and you dived in with your opinion, which is easily done when you want to help someone.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/09/2023 23:18

It's not good for either a parent or a child to be walking on eggshells around the other person. Does your daughter treat other people like this?

chopc · 08/09/2023 23:32

I don't think it's about you doing this. It's a bit of an overreaction from her

TheWayofBeing · 09/09/2023 00:34

You sound very conscious of yourself and doing the right thing. That must be hard.

All you can do in my opinion is completely open up. Ask to meet, apologise for what you did and how it made her feel, tell her why you would never want to do that (your mum) and that you want her to feel loved and supported. Then ask what you can do or how she would like you to show that in future.

Ask her to let you try and recognise that you are a human too - a mum, but not perfect. But that you love, admire and support her in all her decisions. HER decisions and that you want to support not enforce or override.

TheWayofBeing · 09/09/2023 00:35

But if this is all there is to it, for the record, she's being dramatic and honestly mean. But I cannot know if that's the case.

TheWayofBeing · 09/09/2023 00:36

@Walesagogo also at the same time who cares if someone dives in with their opinion and a bit of cash? It's just that. She's not holding a gun to her head.

CallieQ · 09/09/2023 00:41

Mountains and molehills come to mind...

determinedtomakethiswork · 09/09/2023 01:02

This reminds me of the Bridget Jones movie where she's in prison, and all the other girls are complaining about their boyfriends who give them drugs and pimp them out, and Bridget is feeling a bit ridiculous about the way she treated Mr Darcy and the only complaint she could come up with was the fact that he didn't like her cardigan.

ShellySarah · 09/09/2023 01:09

She is single, always has been, childfree, living in a house share in her mid / late 30s.

can'tbelieve nothing has been made of this.

Humiliating her here ... what does any of the above matter?

You don't approve of her lifestyle and are mocking and condescending of her and she knows it

CherryMaDeara · 09/09/2023 01:17

I think she’s being quite immature for someone in her mid 30s. If someone offers you an unwanted gift, you return it and move on.

My mum tries to shove money at me when we go out and I get irritated and tell her to stop giving me money! Then it’s literally forgotten about in 10 seconds.

She has an excellent professional job in something she really excels at.

Her living arrangement is normal for her generation as a single professional.

Is she living in a very expensive area? With her job and age, I would have thought she would have her own place.

Is it possible she feels a step behind her peers and she has made you a scapegoat for those feelings?

ButterflyOil · 09/09/2023 01:51

Something doesn’t add up at all here because the way you describe it and you reaction to her reaction is off. Either she’s being a brat or you are over emphasising the easygoing sort of love her and accept her fully and will bend over backwards to accommodate what appears to be pretty unreasonable behaviour aspects. Something is obviously wrong on a much deeper level and I don’t think you’re describing fully what it is.

You describe her in these glowing terms but with little things thrown in that make you seem like a passive put upon mother prostrating yourself against her out of the blue behaviour. Yet she’s not spoke to you in three months and her dad, your husband, thinks she has a point from what you say. So my money is on you not being fully honest with yourself about whatever has gone down (you are coming off kind of martyr-like).

Either that or you have an immature drama queen brat on your hands.

Brightandshining · 09/09/2023 03:07

Dont directly deny what she is accusing you of even if it isn't true. Adult children are still your children and as any child will want to feel heard and emotionally validated.
Just honestly apologise and don't defend yourself whilst doing it. Acknowledge it was thoughtless and you should have asked first. Do not get into a further argument about it. Just say 'I hear what you are saying and I'm sorry. I love you'
I swear to god so many Fallings out between parents and adult children could be solved in this way. Your children just want to feel like you are actually listening to them.
I can see that you did not mean any harm by the way. But really if you want to repair the relationship your daughter has obviously had some big emotional reaction to this. It's important to acknowledge she's been hurt. Good luck x