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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband golfing- 3 week old baby

566 replies

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 07:12

I had a C-section 3 weeks ago. We have 2 other kids, 4&6. Husband heading off on a golf trip tomorrow, will be gone for 2 days.

Am I right in being upset that he's going? It's an annual thing with some friends, but I missed my annual trip with my friends this year due to just having given birth.

He's been on paternity leave and has been keeping up on the laundry and dishes mostly, and taking on the care of the older 2, letting me nap with baby etc.

I've only just been cleared to start doing any type of housework. I hate to nag, but the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in a month, the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in weeks, kids toys and dirty clothes everywhere, etc. I'm able to do more now, but bending and squatting is still painful, and it's stressing me out thinking of trying to play catch up. It's upsetting because I worked so hard to have everything spotless and up to date before I had the baby and it's all going to rack and ruin now.

He's arranged for my MIL to have the older 2 boys overnight, and she's available in the daytime if I need her. I can't lift my 4yo if he throws a tantrum. That's my main concern about being alone with him. My 6yo will be in school all day Friday.

I just feel like leaving your newly postpartum wife after she has just had a major surgery, to play golf is a bit selfish.

The house wouldn't bother me so much if I knew I could slowly get back on top of it. But we have company coming in a week, who are staying for a week and it's really stressing me out.

I had to grit my teeth watching him pack his golf things tonight. I'm so exhausted and sore, and he's swanning off to play golf. He says not to worry about the housework and he will help when he gets back, which I know he will. But I just feel a bit cheesed off. I think with him being on paternity leave, he really could have been doing more. The house is a state.

The reason I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable is that I know we are fortunate he has leave. I know many people have to do all this alone.

OP posts:
Ihavehadenoughalready · 09/09/2023 05:56

Three???

I just had to say it again.

Inkanta · 09/09/2023 06:01

Bloody hell how selfish is that. Time to stand your ground and speak your truth. Golf is a NO - if he hasn't figured that out.

Inkanta · 09/09/2023 06:10

Another gem from him recently was that he had 'hardly golfed this year compared to last'
Where is anger OP. Might give standing your ground more OOMPH. Men like that are more likely show some respect if you show your teeth.

Bature · 09/09/2023 06:16

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/09/2023 05:37

@Midl

He did tell me when I raised it while pregnant, that he has 'hardly gamed at all recently' his other hobby. Another gem from him recently was that he had 'hardly golfed this year compared to last'.

Meanwhile all my hobbies and enjoyment are on the back burner and I'm expected to be ok with that I suppose.

And what was your response? Did you say what’s in your second paragraph to him? I’m guessing not.

Why are you determined to martyr yourself and suffer in silence? Is this what you think women are meant to do, or something?

  • Your home is in a state. You are unhappy about this, but seemingly incapable of saying so to your husband. ‘The bathroom is really dirty, please clean it.’
  • This is his third golfing trip during your mat leave. You are unhappy about this, but seemingly incapable of saying so to your husband. ‘You felt so low he was considering it that it almost left you speechless’ - I’m sorry, but what on Earth is that nonsense?
  • You persist in describing his childcare and domestic labour as ‘helping you’, as opposed to being an adult pulling their weight.

Why?

Codlingmoths · 09/09/2023 06:27

This is his third golfing outing since your 3 week old baby was born?? He’s not on paternity leave he’s on a golfing holiday. You need to really find some rage here. And book you and baby a swanky spa hotel right now.

stop with the I was hoping and I really wished.. I want to come back and see you’ve said I am upset. You are treating paternity leave like a golfing holidya and seem to be imagining only 3 golf trips since our 3 week old baby was born makes you a good dad and husband. It doesn’t. I’m furious and so upset. I’ve booked a few clean, and a weekend away with baby, and if we don’t have the money you can choose if we sell your clubs or your gaming equipment.

LGBirmingham · 09/09/2023 06:57

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 08:39

@diddl

He hasn't been keeping on top of the mess. Our sons will clean up but only if asked/supervised. He's been keeping on top of dishes and laundry but the general clutter that builds up with 5 people in a house, no.

I hoped he would decide not to go. He asked me if I thought he should not go. At that moment I was so hurt that he still was considering going that I couldn't answer. We had our children in the car and I didn't want a scene in front of them. We never have lost our tempers with one another and I don't want to start now.

I think if I would have told him I needed him to stay he would have done it for sure. He would have been disappointed but not resentful. But I feel that he shouldn't have even entertained going at all. Even 3 weeks after a normal birth I wouldn't want him to go. But 3 weeks after a c section, definitely not.

Hi op,

I say this as someone who has historically avoided conflict. There is nothing wrong with losing your temper. That's actually much healthier in a relationship than silently seething.

The house work stuff is really a red herring. That's a difference in standards. But it is outrageous that he has gone on holiday whilst you are 3 weeks postpartum. He is on parental leave to be a parent, not to pursue hobbies. It is appropriate for you to be getting very angry at him. You shouldn't be keeping these feelings to yourself it won't do your relationship any good going forward.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 09/09/2023 06:58

He sounds really selfish, sorry.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 09/09/2023 07:14

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 23:44

@Appleofmyeye2023

Wow, this makes me want to visit a physical therapist.

I understood that women having c sections were offered a session these days? But maybe funding is no longer there…certainly you need to be looking on line what to do, but be careful as it can create more issues by doing wrong things at wrong times. You should NOT be doing much for first 6-8 weeks, no lifting, no housework, etc. there is stuff on line, but yep, if you can afford it in a few weeks a couple of specialists physio sessions could save a lot of future problems

MariaVT65 · 09/09/2023 07:21

I would consider calling him this morning and asking him to come home. He needs to know how unreasonable he’s being.

MariaVT65 · 09/09/2023 07:24

Appleofmyeye2023 · 09/09/2023 07:14

I understood that women having c sections were offered a session these days? But maybe funding is no longer there…certainly you need to be looking on line what to do, but be careful as it can create more issues by doing wrong things at wrong times. You should NOT be doing much for first 6-8 weeks, no lifting, no housework, etc. there is stuff on line, but yep, if you can afford it in a few weeks a couple of specialists physio sessions could save a lot of future problems

Show quote history

I can confirm that the NHS gives precisely zero fucks about women who have c sections, and especially don’t offer most women any physio. This is why it’s important OP has support at home.

MrsMigginscoffee · 09/09/2023 07:35

SaturdayGiraffe · 08/09/2023 07:29

Golf, it’s always golf.

Surely this isn’t the first time he’s not supported you, or failed to pull his weight?

Sometimes cricket too ...

Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/09/2023 07:36

@MariaVT65

Unfortunately he is dependent on another person for a ride home. But he did say he feels bad when I told him DS4 doesn't seem well.

OP posts:
Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/09/2023 07:37

@MariaVT65

I'm in the US so I'll be paying for it out of pocket anyway. But according to some posters c sections can have lifelong impacts. This is my first c section and it was unexpected so I haven't done any research into the impacts.

OP posts:
Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/09/2023 07:38

@Bature

You've really made me think. Idk why I'm being so passive. I didn't use to be like that.

OP posts:
Inkanta · 09/09/2023 07:58

I think we can all go through peiods of being passive. Especally when vulnerable and just had a baby. Hope your anger comes to the surface soon. Anger is wonderful. There to protect us and protect our babies - reminds us to set boundaries.

HumanBurrito · 09/09/2023 07:59

I think your husband is selfish but I also think yabslightlyu in not accepting that some degree of mess is inevitable when you have a new baby rather than knock yoirself out trying to keep on top of it all. It's fine to lower your standards temporarily. And yabu as well not to contemplate a cleaner as a one-off when you can clearly afford it. Whyever not?

strawberry2017 · 09/09/2023 08:06

What an absolute selfish arsehole.
Who leaves their wife 3 weeks after major surgery!
So completely inappropriate.

Gumptionesque · 09/09/2023 08:11

You’re not being unreasonable, he’s not done a great job with the housework to date, and leaving you before you feel able for going solo is selfish.

Best practical advice I have for you is to book a cleaner to do a full house deep clean for you, so you’re not playing catch up, and that particular headache is gone.

ohdamnitjanet · 09/09/2023 08:13

A bit selfish? He’s an absolute cunt.
Also, nagging ( I HATE that misogynistic word ) is the repetition of unnecessary facts.

MsRosley · 09/09/2023 08:26

Nagado · 08/09/2023 07:31

Again with the ‘helping’? Helping who? Your Mil would be helping. Your brother would be helping. He is the baby’s father. It’s not helping. It’s called being a parent.

Please do show him this thread. I think he’s a massively selfish arsehole. He knows he shouldn’t be going or he wouldn’t have asked his mum what she thought. So he knows it’s wrong and he’s going anyway. Wow.

Show quote history

This. Seriously, OP, do not stand for this.

1to10andstartagain · 09/09/2023 08:36

I have read all the messages and it takes me back 16 years when our 1st daughter was born . My bf ( now my husband ) and I had just had our Dd . Before having her we regularly holidayed with others and my dh would go on lads holidays . We talked about how having children would change us but in my naivety we didn't address this and I thought I would be happy blissfully looking after my beautiful much wanted baby alone . Then I had a c section and like you could not do anything . We argued about him going to Ibiza while our Dd was 3 months old we also had his family coming to stay with us as well as 2 toddlers . After this we went to counselling . The outcome was I needed to communicate more clearly when something wasn't ok with me and for him to listen .
He stopped the holidays , none of his mates had children so they didn't understand and we became a happy family having another child in 2014.

I became a SAHM in 2018 and my husband worked from home part time and away the rest of the time until covid . I personally loved covid as we were all pulling together .

Since covid and normal has resumed my husband had resumed his single holidays including 3 weeks in Spain while our 14 year old Dd was having a mental health crisis with v challenging behaviour when he refused to come home . As well as working away 2 days a week he treats himself to four day weekends walking / camping for his "mental well being " after covid .

Our marriage is now fraught with anger and resentment from me and while he thinks I'm unreasonable

I have lost my respect for him

He watches me and our children struggle while looking after himself

He is selfish by doing this , although he does tidy up and do housework by himself .

You mention he's gone with his father ? Is this something that his family just does . It sounds like your mil may have stronger opinions than you know x

Ollifer · 09/09/2023 08:38

Op you really need to find your anger and assertiveness here because he's taking the piss. Didnt even clean the house before he swanned off? You need to tell him he's not going on another trip while you have the baby so young. It's ridiculous

MeAgainPeeps · 09/09/2023 08:38

What a selfish self centred wanker. He shouldn't be golfing on paternity leave. He should be with his family.

Don't do the cleaning. I did it after a csection and split my stitches. It made my recovery and my scar worse. If he can afford golfing then he can afford a cleaner. I'd arrange for a cleaner to come and do a big spring clean.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 09/09/2023 08:39

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 07:25

@TropicalTrama

He has been helping with the baby while he's been home.

"helping with the baby"

NO - it's called PARENTING, not helping FFS!!!

And my frustration isn't at you, it's at the fact he is a selfish prick and you are made to feel grateful.

Lavender14 · 09/09/2023 08:43

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/09/2023 07:38

@Bature

You've really made me think. Idk why I'm being so passive. I didn't use to be like that.

I imagine you're being passive because you're in a very vulnerable place emotionally and there's probably a bit of self protection kicking in here that's leaving you in maybe slight denial as to how out of order he is (and has been to be golfing 3 times in the 3 weeks since you had a baby). If your section was unplanned then there's probably a part of you that's processing that at the same time and tbh I can fully see why you feel like now isn't the time to rock the boat if you don't feel ready for the argument you're worried it might start. And that is OK, but op you do need to come back to this when you do feel ready because otherwise you'll resent him and he'll go on doing whatever the fuck suits him because why wouldn't he- there's no consequence to his actions and its too easy for him to tune out that he is hurting you. I'd tell him you want to talk about things when you're feeling up to it so he knows it's coming and then take your time to think about what you want to change and what that looks like. Then be expressly clear with him that he needs to grow up and stop expecting a pat on the back for doing less than bare minimum. This is the man your children will learn what a husband looks like from. So he needs to step up and show his children what a 50.50 partnership is.

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