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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband golfing- 3 week old baby

566 replies

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 07:12

I had a C-section 3 weeks ago. We have 2 other kids, 4&6. Husband heading off on a golf trip tomorrow, will be gone for 2 days.

Am I right in being upset that he's going? It's an annual thing with some friends, but I missed my annual trip with my friends this year due to just having given birth.

He's been on paternity leave and has been keeping up on the laundry and dishes mostly, and taking on the care of the older 2, letting me nap with baby etc.

I've only just been cleared to start doing any type of housework. I hate to nag, but the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in a month, the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in weeks, kids toys and dirty clothes everywhere, etc. I'm able to do more now, but bending and squatting is still painful, and it's stressing me out thinking of trying to play catch up. It's upsetting because I worked so hard to have everything spotless and up to date before I had the baby and it's all going to rack and ruin now.

He's arranged for my MIL to have the older 2 boys overnight, and she's available in the daytime if I need her. I can't lift my 4yo if he throws a tantrum. That's my main concern about being alone with him. My 6yo will be in school all day Friday.

I just feel like leaving your newly postpartum wife after she has just had a major surgery, to play golf is a bit selfish.

The house wouldn't bother me so much if I knew I could slowly get back on top of it. But we have company coming in a week, who are staying for a week and it's really stressing me out.

I had to grit my teeth watching him pack his golf things tonight. I'm so exhausted and sore, and he's swanning off to play golf. He says not to worry about the housework and he will help when he gets back, which I know he will. But I just feel a bit cheesed off. I think with him being on paternity leave, he really could have been doing more. The house is a state.

The reason I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable is that I know we are fortunate he has leave. I know many people have to do all this alone.

OP posts:
JussathoB · 10/09/2023 08:11

I don’t think there’s anything to be gained by spoiling the trip now. Try to be positive, at least there is some help with older children and you could plan a relaxing Friday after school - an easy tea they like, a film etc and chill.
I know it costs money but for goodness sake could you possibly urgently get a cleaner for a few hours to come and clean bathroom and kitchen for you or whatever rooms are bothering you most!! Get on the phone now!!

Codlingmoths · 10/09/2023 08:21

There are rules and you certainly should be recovered a certain amount before doing some things such as moderate lifting. There are rules for recovery for every major operation, it’s just when a woman has also had a baby some people seem to think they are irrelevant because women who’ve had babies don’t deserve any support or help, anything they do get is a bonus.

Inkanta · 10/09/2023 08:28

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 10/09/2023 06:17

Well, he got back a couple of hours ago. DS6 and DS4 were still up, so we put them to bed together. We chatted for a bit, he noticed I was quiet and asked if I was ok. I said no, and he asked if I were annoyed he had gone on the trip. I replied that honestly, yes I was. And he admitted he should have skipped it this year. So I think he's been feeling some guilt about it, as I didn't even have to bring it up.

I am friends with all of the wives of the men who attended the trip, so I wonder if they said anything to their husbands and maybe something was mentioned on the trip? Not sure.

Ah well done!

Codlingmoths · 10/09/2023 08:32

That’s a good start op that he recognises it was fucking selfish but what’s next? Will there be 2 more golf trips in the next 3 weeks? Allow yourself to be annoyed- this was still so so passive, what if he hadn’t started the conversation? If you want to be in a healthy mutually supportive marriage in 20 years with him you really need to find your words. When his brother or whoever is visiting is here allow yourself to mockingly interrupt someone saying paternity leave to say I think it was golfing leave actually. Let him sit in discomfort. He made selfish choices and chose not to think about it until after he’s had his fun- this is how many men do it. This way they can keep prioritising themselves while also feeling like they are good husbands and fathers. see if he changes behaviours.

ihadamarveloustime · 10/09/2023 09:40

Ah, the 'nicer (for me) to do something I want then ask for forgiveness' guy.

He knew what he was doing. And he still did it. And is now pretending to feel guilty about it.

ThePoetsWife · 10/09/2023 09:54

Codlingmoths · 10/09/2023 08:32

That’s a good start op that he recognises it was fucking selfish but what’s next? Will there be 2 more golf trips in the next 3 weeks? Allow yourself to be annoyed- this was still so so passive, what if he hadn’t started the conversation? If you want to be in a healthy mutually supportive marriage in 20 years with him you really need to find your words. When his brother or whoever is visiting is here allow yourself to mockingly interrupt someone saying paternity leave to say I think it was golfing leave actually. Let him sit in discomfort. He made selfish choices and chose not to think about it until after he’s had his fun- this is how many men do it. This way they can keep prioritising themselves while also feeling like they are good husbands and fathers. see if he changes behaviours.

This.

You need to stop being so passive and be more vocal. Or are you scared of him?

JFDIYOLO · 10/09/2023 09:56

Start using your anger and your words. Don't wait again for him to suggest how you might be feeling.

He has work to do on your marriage and your home and his attitude.

Put him to work. Chuck him the marigolds and a to do list.

'You're on paternity leave, not annual leave. Stop running to your mother to do your duty for you.'

And get on the phone and CANCEL those visitors, FFS.

'I'm just recovering from major surgery and a new baby to to bond with. Now is a bad time.'

Use the anger and channel it into change.

miserablebitch · 10/09/2023 11:11

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2023 11:57

Race to the bottom here is it?

Show quote history

Is it a competition? If so, guess what? When I had my 3rd planned C Section, I had a 2 and a half year old, a 16 month old and my new born. My dh got a half day off. None of this having 2 weeks off! I’m actually surprised that super mum you needed your partner to have any time off at all.

Stop criticising the OP, you don’t know how she was recovering. In case you’re not aware of it, not everyone has the same recovery after a C Section (or a normal birth) and you were obviously one of the lucky ones.

MrsBecs40 · 10/09/2023 11:18

You said no to your husband doing something he would enjoy.. some people on here treat their husbands like they’re their child too. I would be fuming if my husband said I couldn’t do something and it would make me want to do it more. Kids or not you are still your own people and need time to enjoy your own things you don’t become one person when you have kids 🤦‍♀️

Nanny0gg · 10/09/2023 11:21

miserablebitch · 10/09/2023 11:11

Is it a competition? If so, guess what? When I had my 3rd planned C Section, I had a 2 and a half year old, a 16 month old and my new born. My dh got a half day off. None of this having 2 weeks off! I’m actually surprised that super mum you needed your partner to have any time off at all.

Stop criticising the OP, you don’t know how she was recovering. In case you’re not aware of it, not everyone has the same recovery after a C Section (or a normal birth) and you were obviously one of the lucky ones.

Show quote history

What?

I'm supporting the OP not criticising!!

It's major abdominal surgery and even my super fit DiL needed recovery time

It's disgraceful that he's gone away and just because women were left to get on with it in the Old Days it doesn't mean that things can't be different now!

Nanny0gg · 10/09/2023 11:23

MrsBecs40 · 10/09/2023 11:18

You said no to your husband doing something he would enjoy.. some people on here treat their husbands like they’re their child too. I would be fuming if my husband said I couldn’t do something and it would make me want to do it more. Kids or not you are still your own people and need time to enjoy your own things you don’t become one person when you have kids 🤦‍♀️

Clearly doesn't stop you being a self-centred twat either

They're HIS children too! He's also responsible for them and he's supposed to love and care for his wife

MrsBecs40 · 10/09/2023 11:24

and by doing his own thing once in a while means he doesn’t love them right? 😂

Nanny0gg · 10/09/2023 11:24

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 10/09/2023 06:17

Well, he got back a couple of hours ago. DS6 and DS4 were still up, so we put them to bed together. We chatted for a bit, he noticed I was quiet and asked if I was ok. I said no, and he asked if I were annoyed he had gone on the trip. I replied that honestly, yes I was. And he admitted he should have skipped it this year. So I think he's been feeling some guilt about it, as I didn't even have to bring it up.

I am friends with all of the wives of the men who attended the trip, so I wonder if they said anything to their husbands and maybe something was mentioned on the trip? Not sure.

So? Now he's admitted he shouldn't have gone, what happens next?

Did he say sorry? Did you forgive him? Are you back to normal as though nothing happened?

Nanny0gg · 10/09/2023 11:25

JussathoB · 10/09/2023 08:11

I don’t think there’s anything to be gained by spoiling the trip now. Try to be positive, at least there is some help with older children and you could plan a relaxing Friday after school - an easy tea they like, a film etc and chill.
I know it costs money but for goodness sake could you possibly urgently get a cleaner for a few hours to come and clean bathroom and kitchen for you or whatever rooms are bothering you most!! Get on the phone now!!

He's already back...

Nanny0gg · 10/09/2023 11:26

MrsBecs40 · 10/09/2023 11:24

and by doing his own thing once in a while means he doesn’t love them right? 😂

This is just batshit.

MrsBecs40 · 10/09/2023 11:31

You are definitely batshit!

Piglet89 · 10/09/2023 11:32

@MrsBecs40 doing his own thing once in a while: context isn’t everything. With a newborn and 2 other kids to care for, it’s clearly the WORST time to go and leave the hard graft of family life to your wife. And a golfing trip is not what paternity leave is for.

you know what I think? I think if the sexes were reversed and men suddenly had to shoulder the vast majority of the monotony and hard work of early years, as the majority of women are expected to (without the fabled village to help) they would be the sex struggling with the PND, not women. Often men’s laziness causes or EXACERBATES PND.

MrsBecs40 · 10/09/2023 11:34

I was talking to the woman who stopped her husband going to Blackpool 6m post partum….

pikkumyy77 · 10/09/2023 11:42

I agree with everyone else: he sinned and repented so now the cycle is complete. Until the next time he wants to go golfing.

I would suggest you get yourself a good therapist and tell thrm you want to find your voice because if you don’t put in ghe work now you will find yourself a door mat for your husband and sons—just like his mother is—unable to advocate for yourself, constantly takken for granted, expected to do everything with a smile, while they skive off and you seethe.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/09/2023 12:25

rainbowstardrops · 10/09/2023 06:42

Well, he got back a couple of hours ago. DS6 and DS4 were still up, so we put them to bed together. We chatted for a bit, he noticed I was quiet and asked if I was ok. I said no, and he asked if I were annoyed he had gone on the trip. I replied that honestly, yes I was. And he admitted he should have skipped it this year. So I think he's been feeling some guilt about it, as I didn't even have to bring it up.

I could have told you this days ago. It was obvious that he'd come back and say he should have skipped it this year. But he didn't skip it because he didn't want to.
He thinks he can come back and pretend to feel guilty because he's already been and left you and he can't change that.
Selfish idiot.

This.
He's confessed to feeling guilty.
You feel guilty because he feels guilty
He feels his confession absolves him completely, because he has been "understanding" enough to suddenly "realize" this - yet doing exactly as he wanted anyway. Win Win - for him. Now he can feel better about the whole thing.. and of course tell himself that you managed OK.
Competitive sport and his well being and relaxation is so much more important than looking after his family during his paternity leave

What did he propose to do to take care of you (without you having to spell it out to him) in the remaining 3 weeks of paternity leave. Because unless he promises to change, his confession of guilt is pointless.

I hope that you did manage OK. You should like a strong person but even if you did, It's clear from this thread, hormones or not! that on top of all the physical aspects - you have been stressed and worried about this from the outset. Worried about how you will cope, how the kids will cope, worried about asking your MIL to do too much (when her DH is also on trip!!)

You shouldn't have had to deal with those worries. You should have been able to rest and recover and enjoy your new baby, relax about your other children and the unkempt house, feeling fully supported by your DH and taken care off and not have had the extra mental burden. He didn't have any mental burden from the sounds of it, except during the trip in the bar, telling all his mates how "guilty" he feels and getting all their commiserations. OMG!

It doesn't take a high level of brain functioning for your DH, whether you made it clear to him or not that practicing golfing, taking part in golfing tournaments and then going away on a golfing trip in the first 3 weeks when his wife has had a cesarian and been told to rest and not do too much, whilst having two other young children to care for - is crap behaviour.

And of course, if you "managed OK" under those undeniably difficult circumstances - he will now take it as read that you are an absolute trooper, a very reasonable wife, who will be OK if he trots off again, without her needs being taken into consideration. He is selfish and yet because he felt guilty doing what he wanted to do, thinks that gives him a pass from now on.

That's the key word here isn't it - reasonable. You are expected to be reasonable when you want or need something and give him a pass.

MeAgainPeeps · 10/09/2023 12:32

@HuckleberryBlackcurrant maybe he can demonstrate how bad he feels by skipping golf, gaming and other recreational activities for a few months. He needs to parent instead of play. Ultimately, actions speak louder than words.

Lynz32 · 10/09/2023 12:51

Holy shit.

I have read this entire thread and I'm shocked to the core.

I simply cannot believe the absolute selfishness of this man and the way the OP seems to defend him and not stand up for herself and her kids.

I've just told my husband about this thread and he said if he was on a trip with a friend whose wife had just had a C-section 3 weeks ago and had 2 other young kids to look after, he'd tell him to wise up and go home and look after his wife and kids. But I married an actual good man and not this pathetic drip that you're married to, OP.

He's also making a mockery of proper hardworking dads who actually want to look after their wives and kids after having a baby. So many men and women campaigned for years to have paternity rights enshrined in law in order to support their wives/partners and kids, but this guy just uses paternity leave as an excuse to go off on his jollies. He may as well just fuck off back to work if he has that attitude.

He needs to wise up pronto but so do you OP for putting up with this behaviour.

SunRainStorm · 10/09/2023 13:02

I've told my husband he has to stop saying sorry unless it's accompanied by actions to repair the damage.

Men think just apologising closes the loop and they stop thinking about it.

If he was genuinely sorry he'd be looking for ways to make it up to you- is he doing that?

Like fuck he didn't realise until now that was a selfish and shitty thing to do. He knew all along. He decided it would be better only acknowledge it once he'd already had his fun and you'd found a way to cope.

OP- follow up on your conversation and ask him what he plans to do to make this up to you. Don't accept a bullshit empty apology from a man who hasn't learned a fucking thing except how much he can get away with.

If he's not scrubbing the bathroom floor today, he can fuck right off.

ThreeLittleDots · 10/09/2023 13:14

I agree with SunRainStorm - he's got away with it, hasn't he?

Sheepishness won't clean the house properly!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/09/2023 13:24

Bet you £10 he's banking on your Brother & his Wife to take up the slack when they arrive and give him another free pass too.