Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband golfing- 3 week old baby

566 replies

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 08/09/2023 07:12

I had a C-section 3 weeks ago. We have 2 other kids, 4&6. Husband heading off on a golf trip tomorrow, will be gone for 2 days.

Am I right in being upset that he's going? It's an annual thing with some friends, but I missed my annual trip with my friends this year due to just having given birth.

He's been on paternity leave and has been keeping up on the laundry and dishes mostly, and taking on the care of the older 2, letting me nap with baby etc.

I've only just been cleared to start doing any type of housework. I hate to nag, but the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in a month, the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in weeks, kids toys and dirty clothes everywhere, etc. I'm able to do more now, but bending and squatting is still painful, and it's stressing me out thinking of trying to play catch up. It's upsetting because I worked so hard to have everything spotless and up to date before I had the baby and it's all going to rack and ruin now.

He's arranged for my MIL to have the older 2 boys overnight, and she's available in the daytime if I need her. I can't lift my 4yo if he throws a tantrum. That's my main concern about being alone with him. My 6yo will be in school all day Friday.

I just feel like leaving your newly postpartum wife after she has just had a major surgery, to play golf is a bit selfish.

The house wouldn't bother me so much if I knew I could slowly get back on top of it. But we have company coming in a week, who are staying for a week and it's really stressing me out.

I had to grit my teeth watching him pack his golf things tonight. I'm so exhausted and sore, and he's swanning off to play golf. He says not to worry about the housework and he will help when he gets back, which I know he will. But I just feel a bit cheesed off. I think with him being on paternity leave, he really could have been doing more. The house is a state.

The reason I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable is that I know we are fortunate he has leave. I know many people have to do all this alone.

OP posts:
TheseThree · 09/09/2023 20:29

Late to the conversation but wanted to jump in. Also in US, also had cesareans, also a SAHM. Also, sorry in advance- it’s long.

My ex was on paternity leave (our first and only together) and saw a shift available for an event type he really enjoyed working (EMS). It also fell almost exactly three weeks postpartum. (Admittedly though, that particular cesarean was a pretty smooth recovery.) He asked. I said sure, but I resented that he asked. It upset me so much that he would even consider jumping ship for something he liked doing when we had a new baby and he was supposed to be with us.

I really wish I had been more forthcoming about that. “I can handle things here for the day, but it really hurts that you want to leave me and our baby so much that you’re actually asking.”

My now husband said while on leave with his/our first, “I was prepared for being tired, but I didn’t realize how draining the monotony would be.” Looking back, I suspect that’s how my ex felt and didn’t communicate it either. He was looking for the excitement of working the game. I love my kids and I wouldn’t trade it, but it is monotonous in many ways, so I’d like to think if he had instead brought up a personal need we could have discussed ways of addressing that.

He needed to communicate. I needed to communicate. It’s ok he needed some stimulation (he has ADHD to boot) and it’s ok I was hurt by what came out as him not prioritizing us by asking to go to work instead. Side note, we also should have relied on family to babysit more so we could go out. A couple dates a year long term is not sufficient.

Unfortunately, we learned these things too late to save our marriage, but fortunately I really did learn and my marriage now is wonderful.

Tell him you were hurt he wanted to prioritize that trip and how it felt without berating him. Hear him when he tells you why he didn’t anticipate that and hopefully feels upset that he hurt you. Next time remember to address those feelings and needs (yours and his) before those feelings keep building. Remember that he will never “just know” your thoughts and feelings, but he will learn to understand and predict them better if you’ve been honest about them.

Also, it’s not unnecessary for you to go enjoy time together. It’s essential, so ask those grandparents to be grandparents! Stop thinking of taking care of your own personal and relationship needs as things you can go without. Most love to babysit and it doesn’t always need to be a precise time request. “Hey there’s a show we want to see together. Are you available for either of these times?” “Hey, we’d really like a chance to get out just the two of us but have no actual plans yet. Are you available sometime soon, even if it’s during the day when DH is off?” We have a group text with all the grandparents we just throw it out to. We usually get more a “pick me pick me” reaction than crickets :)

pikkumyy77 · 09/09/2023 20:35

Oaktree55 · 09/09/2023 18:25

The problem with these threads are you have people from different incomes commenting on the same issues.

The problem with these threads is you have posters using the OPs innocent questions to posture and brag about their imaginary social status.

I can assure you that we aren’t all proles standing in slack jawed wonderment at your family’s wealth and success.

Jadeybabez · 09/09/2023 20:59

I'd be fuming. My bf goes to Blackpool every year for a few days. When we had our eldest he asked if he could go. I said no, he didn't go 🤷 it was 6 months after her birth and I didn't have a c section. Hubs is a selfish twat!

ohboohoo · 09/09/2023 21:15

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 09/09/2023 11:47

@ohboohoo

We go out for dinner 3 times a year. His bday, my bday and our anniversary. Our in laws babysit at those times.

So you DO agree to babysitting for fun stuff then. Separately, meant kindly but 3 times a year is not very many date nights. Happy marriage helps keep a happy family. Prioritise your relationship. Obviously not right now when you've just given birth but once you are healed, once a fortnight or at the very least once a month

ohboohoo · 09/09/2023 21:17

@HuckleberryBlackcurrant it's really important that you spend time together just as people not always as someone's mum or dad. You don't want to lose the things that attracted you to each other in the first place.

Ffion21 · 09/09/2023 21:24

If it was planned ages ago and two days I don’t think it’s that bad. However…say you want to hook a cleaner as a one off to come in and give the bathroom/floors/kitchen a good clean to help you. That’s worth it and will help and also very fair!

Livelovebehappy · 09/09/2023 23:08

Tbh I think the thought of having visitors staying for a week in a weeks time would stress me out more than dh going on an overnight trip. I can’t believe your brother and his partner didn’t suggest that maybe it would be a better idea to postpone their visit once they knew you were having a c section. Bit much to impose themselves on you for a week so soon after your op.

toobusymummy · 09/09/2023 23:30

Oh my good lord, firstly congrats on your latest addition and well done for passing the first 'recovery' stage from the op!! We all (generally) love our OHs but sometimes they can be real man-child arses - just because they can also be devious enough to remove all objections except the most obvious one by roping in relatives to 'help' doesn't make this anything other than it is - massively self centred and ridiculously immature behaviour! To put it another way, say HE'D just had major surgery 3 weeks ago, he most certainly would be cancelling (or at the very least rearranging) his golfing trip because I would put money on him still hobbling round the house and expecting to be waited on hand and foot while you take the ENTIRE strain for the house and children. He needs someone to tell him to put his big boy pants on, pause his social calendar, and step up for the few more weeks you need to properly heal. And as an aside here, slightly different situation but I'm self employed and felt I had to go 'back to work' literally within a couple of weeks of a c-section - ended up pulling something I shouldn't and put my recovery back months so please do be careful about how much you attempt however frustrated you get with the state of the house (perhaps DH could use those persuasive skills of his to rally the family troops to come and do a clean and tidy whilst he takes you out for lunch or something?)

Scottsy200 · 10/09/2023 00:09

He sounds like an inconsiderate twunt in my opinion

Codlingmoths · 10/09/2023 00:34

Umm have you read the thread? The grandparents are more than being grandparents, his mum is being a second parent right now. She is taking dc every day, helping with bedtime, taking the op out to lunch. So what do you mean by ask those grandparents to be grandparents? It would be quite reasonable to tell his mum to sit back and have a rest, these children have two parents and the second one of those needs to pick up his game and do some parenting.

rhats the other problem with men like these. My Dh can be like this. He doesn’t hesitate to call his mum so he can go do something without feeling any guilt about not pulling his weight with the dc as she is pulling it for him (she’s not pulling his weight for him around our house which he doesn’t think of) and then we’ve exhausted the grandparents willing to give when it comes time for us /me to want to do anything. Say to him I’d love us to spend some time together and me to have some time off but it would be totally unreasonable to ask your mum to do any extra in the next few weeks as she’s been doing all your parenting for you. So you need to be the one to support me to have a little time to myself here.

please book your spa hotel weekend for you and baby. Clean fresh surrounds, someone else to clean up.

Pallisers · 10/09/2023 00:36

He is a selfish selfish man.

I'd lose a lot of respect for him tbh and would find it hard to find that respect again.

I've had 2 c sections.

Coulditreallybe · 10/09/2023 00:44

ohboohoo · 09/09/2023 21:15

So you DO agree to babysitting for fun stuff then. Separately, meant kindly but 3 times a year is not very many date nights. Happy marriage helps keep a happy family. Prioritise your relationship. Obviously not right now when you've just given birth but once you are healed, once a fortnight or at the very least once a month

Show quote history

I know literally no one with small children who have a date night once a fortnight Confused

if you know people doing this who is babysitting for them so often?

saythatagaintome · 10/09/2023 01:26

I can’t imagine my husband doing this.

YesCorrect · 10/09/2023 01:40

What is his handicap?

Goodbookandcupoftea · 10/09/2023 01:40

Why are men so bloody selfish? And obviously it falls to his mum, another female, to help out. My OH did something similar years ago and I still hold on to the resentment even now. It just shocked me that he could just continue with normal life and while my life was essentially put on hold for years and years.

Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 10/09/2023 02:04

@YesCorrect

Haha I have no idea, I have no interest in golf lol.

OP posts:
MixedCouple · 10/09/2023 04:40

P1pp1lotta · 09/09/2023 14:14

I wish your brother, or at least his wife, had enough sense to realise it's not the best time for a stay without you having to say anything.

Early on in our relationship, when we were still just dating, my husband and I stayed a day or two at his sister's having spent the majority of the trip with his parents (think her place was closer to the eurostar station or something). Anyway she was heavily pregnant - maybe about 37wks? We did our own thing in the day and then would have a casual dinner with her, her husband and toddler in the evening. The night before we left, I overheard my husband telling his sister our plans for the morning, ie leaving early (before 5am) to catch the first train, and she says ok and starts setting the alarm on her phone! 😳 And her husband and brother are there, just nodding along as if this is all a great plan. I had to step in and insist that there was literally no need for her to get out of bed that early in the morning (or at any time of day really) just to wave us off, that we should say our goodbyes now, she should go to bed (she'd been falling asleep in front of a film), and we would see her the following year. I've never seen anyone look so relieved! 😂 And off she went - straight to bed.

Even now when we visit I prefer to stay with his parents because they have such a set routine that we can just slot into it when it suits us or make our own plans, whereas his sister really feels the pressure of being a good host, will hire a cleaner before we arrive, and plan activity after activity all in an effort for us to have the best time. She is lovely and very sweet, but sometimes I have to remind my husband not to take advantage of this - that she has enough to deal with with two children, and we can make our own breakfasts and go out and do our own thing or look after the children so she can have a break. If I didn't he would be sitting at that breakfast table like he's one of the kids, waiting for mum to cook the eggs 😅 He is amazing in other ways, like paying for the activities or the meals for everyone, but completely oblivious in others.

I think your brother can still visit but they should stay elsewhere, even if it is really far...

Wishing you all the best in the healing process, dealing with your husband, and with the new baby.

You just described me..... I do this. Pregnant / Postpartum always trying to be the best hostess. So deprrssing why do I do this. Reading your post has been a wake up call.

I was 39weeks pregnant and my parents were coming to stay and I was carrying on like pre pregnancy. Even excusing myself to to have contractions away in another room as to not make them feel uncomfortable I was 5hours from.Active Labour. Made my life harder then it needed to be.

devuskums · 10/09/2023 05:03

You have just had surgery. Your 'dh' is confusing this with a straightforward vaginal birth. I had surgery on my hip 8 weeks ago and still need loads of help. My partner feels awful that he can't do more but honestly I can't fault him, he wants to be able to take the pain away as well as do everything. He works full time. The lower you set your expectations the lower the bar is set. Your 'partner,/dh' loves you enough to plan more children with you, he should support this process. He needs to grow up and stop being a man child. Your post has made me angry on your behalf.

Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 10/09/2023 06:17

Well, he got back a couple of hours ago. DS6 and DS4 were still up, so we put them to bed together. We chatted for a bit, he noticed I was quiet and asked if I was ok. I said no, and he asked if I were annoyed he had gone on the trip. I replied that honestly, yes I was. And he admitted he should have skipped it this year. So I think he's been feeling some guilt about it, as I didn't even have to bring it up.

I am friends with all of the wives of the men who attended the trip, so I wonder if they said anything to their husbands and maybe something was mentioned on the trip? Not sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 10/09/2023 06:19

@Goodbookandcupoftea

I think that's what hurts, is that his life hasn't been affected nearly as much, so I think he could make a small sacrifice and not attend a fun trip.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 10/09/2023 06:42

Well, he got back a couple of hours ago. DS6 and DS4 were still up, so we put them to bed together. We chatted for a bit, he noticed I was quiet and asked if I was ok. I said no, and he asked if I were annoyed he had gone on the trip. I replied that honestly, yes I was. And he admitted he should have skipped it this year. So I think he's been feeling some guilt about it, as I didn't even have to bring it up.

I could have told you this days ago. It was obvious that he'd come back and say he should have skipped it this year. But he didn't skip it because he didn't want to.
He thinks he can come back and pretend to feel guilty because he's already been and left you and he can't change that.
Selfish idiot.

Piglet89 · 10/09/2023 07:08

“We all (generally) love our OHs but sometimes they can be real man-child arses”

Aaah, bless them, the poor wee men-lings.

Women (generally) don’t have the luxury of being real woman-child arses, as they’re picking up the crap (often literally) of others because men won’t do it.

MariaVT65 · 10/09/2023 07:17

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 10/09/2023 06:17

Well, he got back a couple of hours ago. DS6 and DS4 were still up, so we put them to bed together. We chatted for a bit, he noticed I was quiet and asked if I was ok. I said no, and he asked if I were annoyed he had gone on the trip. I replied that honestly, yes I was. And he admitted he should have skipped it this year. So I think he's been feeling some guilt about it, as I didn't even have to bring it up.

I am friends with all of the wives of the men who attended the trip, so I wonder if they said anything to their husbands and maybe something was mentioned on the trip? Not sure.

Doesn’t matter if anyone else mentioned it or not. The fact is he went and shouldn’t have. Paternity leave exists for a reason.

Piglet89 · 10/09/2023 07:44

Agree 100% with @rainbowstardrops

He’s already had the fun of the trip while leaving you in the shit; saying he feels a bit guilty now doesn’t help a bit (but maybe he mistakenly thinks it absolves him of any guilt he feels for making the decision he did).

MrsBecs40 · 10/09/2023 08:04

Honestly I think your hormones might be making this feel worse than it is. i think you’re being slightly unreasonable. Normally by week 3 dads will have been back at work for a week as paternity is normally 2. He sounds like he’s been there doing what he can (even if not up to your standards) and he’s arranged help for the 2 days to make it easier for you. C sections aren’t easy, I’ve had 2 but you should be back to normal day to day tasks before now and shouldn’t have to be cleared for anything there aren’t any rules on what you can and can’t do.
let him have his 2 days and enjoy them, you can take 2 days doing something you like when you’re feeling up to it, remembering who we are as people and doing things for ourselves makes us better parents.
I can’t believe so many on here are saying they wouldn’t allow it, we don’t own our husbands and partners, that’s a sure fire way to an unhappy relationship eventually.