Husband golfing- 3 week old baby

[HuckleberryBlackcurrant]

I had a C-section 3 weeks ago. We have 2 other kids, 4&6. Husband heading off on a golf trip tomorrow, will be gone for 2 days.

Am I right in being upset that he's going? It's an annual thing with some friends, but I missed my annual trip with my friends this year due to just having given birth.

He's been on paternity leave and has been keeping up on the laundry and dishes mostly, and taking on the care of the older 2, letting me nap with baby etc.

I've only just been cleared to start doing any type of housework. I hate to nag, but the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in a month, the carpet hasn't been vacuumed in weeks, kids toys and dirty clothes everywhere, etc. I'm able to do more now, but bending and squatting is still painful, and it's stressing me out thinking of trying to play catch up. It's upsetting because I worked so hard to have everything spotless and up to date before I had the baby and it's all going to rack and ruin now.

He's arranged for my MIL to have the older 2 boys overnight, and she's available in the daytime if I need her. I can't lift my 4yo if he throws a tantrum. That's my main concern about being alone with him. My 6yo will be in school all day Friday.

I just feel like leaving your newly postpartum wife after she has just had a major surgery, to play golf is a bit selfish.

The house wouldn't bother me so much if I knew I could slowly get back on top of it. But we have company coming in a week, who are staying for a week and it's really stressing me out.

I had to grit my teeth watching him pack his golf things tonight. I'm so exhausted and sore, and he's swanning off to play golf. He says not to worry about the housework and he will help when he gets back, which I know he will. But I just feel a bit cheesed off. I think with him being on paternity leave, he really could have been doing more. The house is a state.

The reason I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable is that I know we are fortunate he has leave. I know many people have to do all this alone.

When does she get time off?!

He's on paternity leave and she is recovering from major surgery.

Oh and just to rile the men haters on here I did all the hard slog of early parenting yet my other half retired early 40's and was outstanding with older children. Men who are good with babies arent generally high earners. Oh and yes I am a professionally educated woman youngest female Partner of my firm before you all kick off. I'd have hated to be married to the type of man you all seem to think is ideal.

And don't forget you contributed by bringing up his children, doing the housework and taking on the mental load so that he could earn good money

@ThePoetsWife absolutely team work is what it was! It's ridiculous to think you can do everything. It's not possible.

And yet the OP's partner isn't being a team player isn't he?

@ThePoetsWife uh yes he is if he's paying for everything? Have I misread the situation? I slept in another room with our kids as babies so my other half wasn't tired for work and yes he had social time off as he supported our lifestyles whilst I wasn't financially contributing. Her we are 16 years later he retired young, had quality time with our children. Our eldest just got all 9's in GCSE's because we worked as a team!

Stop trying to split everything 50:50 its so illogical. Work as a team instead. If he isn't paying for everything it's a different story,

You don’t help with your own baby. You parent your child. Helping is when a friend pops over and feeds and changes them for you. You’re enabling him by using this language.

I don’t mean to sound harsh but until we as women, realise that dads don’t help with the baby, men will keep getting away with this shit.

I wouldn't be upset I'd be fucking furious.

Of course a SAHM is financially contributing. It's just that she's contributing "in kind" rather than "in cash." If she weren't in the picture, the man would have to pay for childcare and likely other things. When I had this discussion with my dh when my kids were little, he said that if I passed away he would get a nanny and a fulltime housekeeper so that he wouldn't have to do any housework and so that childcare would not interfere with his career. Those services in my area would cost a combined total of about 80K (50K for a nanny willing to work a min of 60 hr per week, and 30K for a fulltime housekeeper and that's before you consider hiring overnight childcare for his overseas work trips). Of course there are many single mothers who don't spend 80K on outside help but they absorb the cost by dialing down their own career ambitions and absorbing the extra stress/work into their own health and lowered standard of living.

This idea that SAHMs don't contribute is really just another way of saying that it's optional for a man to financially care for his own children. Small children require care 24/7/365. If someone doesn't provide that care, (even if there's a gap in care as small as one hour where an infant is left home alone), the person responsible for the child will be answerable to the police and to social services. If both parents are working outside the home, that value is provided by a daycare or nanny. If only one parent is working outside the home, that value is provided by the parent who stays home with the kid. The fact that the parent doesn't get a paycheck doesn't mean that the work has no financial value. If I own a farm and get my eggs from my own chickens, it doesn't mean that the eggs have no value because I didn't pay cash for them. If I didn't keep chickens I would have to pay cash for the eggs at the store. Actually childcare is more essential than eggs. Lots of people live without eggs. If you have children, you can't live without childcare, whether provided by a parent or a daycare/nanny.

This is ridiculous. My dh was a high earner, before he retired, and was a devoted and very hands on father to our young children. He never would have left me alone after a c section—he wouldn’t have left the children in someone else’s care just for a hobby when the whole household was getting used to a mother with a temporary disability snd a new baby. Its not because we are manhaters that we have the opinions we do but because, for my part, I think very highly of the men in my life and don’t set the bar at ground level for them.

It's probably too soon after her C-section to drive. Perhaps she could have a friend visit to helpfully get the club's out on the drive ready for him. You know, that clumsy friend who tends to bump into things a lot. 😉

Apologies for the long post. I mentioned your post to my husband. His response was "Wow" and of course he wouldn't go away as in his words "they're my kids". For the minority of posters who think the woman should do it all without complaint, we are both professionals with 2 kids and he changed as many nappies as me. Neither one of us consider that as "helping".

I'm sorry you have to spell things out for your husband and appreciate everyone is different, but you have to raise your expectations and communicate. Your job is an unpaid SAHM, but every woman requires maternity leave and he will need to cover ALL your responsibilities until you are well enough to resume any of them. Even then at the end of the working day all tasks need to be shared. He doesn't get to put his feet up whilst you carry on working every waking hour. You should be a partnership, sharing the load. You are not his live-in childminder and housekeeper. If you were, you would be paid and have fixed hours and time off. Neither one of you should leave the other to manage alone without a proper discussion and that needs to reflect that you both need some downtime.
To leave you when recovering from major surgery should not have entered his head, but unless you talk to him there's nothing to stop him dropping you in it again, maybe when you or the kids are ill. Whether he is a good guy or not you're enabling his behaviour. Being in recovery from surgery makes it more understandable why you might have avoided a confrontation, but unless you want to be his permanent round the clock servant or end up divorced that will need to change.
I wish you and your kids all the best and hope the 4 year old is feeling better. So glad you're MIL is helping, don't feel guilty about it, you didn't put her in that position. They're her grandchildren and I'm sure she wants what's best for them including having a mother who doesn't wind up with post natal depression or back in hospital from overdoing it. If you do speak to your DH when he gets back please update as I'm sure we'd all like to know you're OK. If he's the good guy you say he is you shouldn't be afraid of that discussion x

@pikkumyy77 not possible to do both in the league I am talking about. Just not possible which is why most in the league I mean have staff, nannies, chefs etc. I didn't want that for mine I wanted to be hands on. You cannot be high earning and a stay at home (hands on) parent 99% of the time.

The problem with these threads are you have people from different incomes commenting on the same issues.

So, you can have your support network, your sibling & their spouse to come & stay. A visit which you expect everyone to roll their sleeves up & create some show home hotel experience for. However when your husband wants to spend time with his friends, his support network, outside of the family home causing you no bother at all, even after making sure you have all the support you need in place via his mother etc. you are reaching out to his mother and the internet for validation that he shouldn’t go. I appreciate that a c section is no joke. Going from 2 to 3 kids is no mean feat. But, disregarding the physical aspect, he has gone through all of this too. He has taken on the lions share of the tasks at home, even though that isn’t his usual role, so doesn’t meet up to your high standards. Then when he needs a break for his well being & to get back to being him, he’s the worst dad ever. Just because you want to be a martyr doesn’t mean he has to be one too.

Honestly my husband had to go back to work after a week when I had an emergency section and the pain was unreal. I was absolutely fuming he wouldn't take more time off but he said he had to we need to money etc etc. if he'd have fucked off on a golf trip his life wouldn't have been worth living

Financial contributions should not mean you get more social time off.

That's not what being a team is about.

A one off cleaner can totally help with “messy” too, just organise them day before visitors and tell them where everything should go. I had several one off cleans post my C section, it was not a problem, all were very understanding and tidied stuff up without a problem

Wow you're soooo cool and inspirational 🙄🙄🙄

😉🙄

Have you spoken to him about what needs doing? Sometimes men just need to be told. They sometimes don’t see what we do. I would definitely have said he needs to have the house clean before he goes in a list of rules as part of him going!

I thought it was so unreasonable until I saw he’s got cover for the older kids. That will help loads. I was at home on my own from 2 weeks post c section but I could only cope with the baby and not the others!

I don’t know, I read these threads and think the probleM is we are trying to monetise the value of services like childcare etc to men, for kids they weren’t that fussed about having in the first place 🙈
not true all the time I know but I have a number of friends who literally convinced their reluctant DPs to have kids by promising they would be happy to do it all. I’m not letting men off the hook, obviously no one should be sitting back watching someone struggle, but everyone is saying the husband is an aresehole, OP hasn’t even told him she doesn’t want him to go.

Your MIL sounds amazing!

Why has this thread turned into a pissing contest!! .
We have all had to ' cope ' with our babies one way or the other. Some people are making out that the OP is being totally unreasonable.
Its different when the spouse has to go back to work to support the family etc.

But, the OPs dh has gone on a golf jolly - 3rd one since baby was born!.

Hardly 'essential' is it?