To stop feeding DD’s boyfriend

[tobatz0220]

I know I'm probably BU

DD and her bf are 18, and they were in an on and off ‘relationship’ since they were 12, but have been together without breaking up for 2 years. For many reasons, he lives with us. Not sure if they're relevant.

DD finished sixth form this year and she's due to start uni in a few weeks. Boyfriend however hasn't done anything since he finished sixth form. He didn't go most of his last year and as a result, failed his A levels. He told DD he wasn't enjoying what he chose and is due to go and do a course at college, I'm not sure if he will stick to it. DD’s room is a mess and I know it isn't DD as she's very tidy but she (rightly) refuses to tidy up after him. In his defence, he is helpful around the house.

My reason for posting is he doesn't eat meals, he constantly snacks. He eats chocolate, sweets, cakes, yoghurts, fruit, cereal etc. I buy the chocolate and sweets as a treat for my DCs and the other things for their lunchboxes, if he eats all of it he goes and buys his own. He used to be underweight and has gained weight but I don't think the constant snacking is good for him. He doesn't eat dinner even though he would previously eat it so I know he likes what I make. DD asked him why and he doesn't really give a reason, just that he isn't hungry.

A few cupcakes were left over from DD’s birthday and he ate all of them yesterday, which led to the DC’s being upset as there would've been enough for all of them to have one each.

WIBU to hide all of the snacks from him and not feed him?

Seriously enough with the snacks. Who gives a fig about the snacks?? (Aside of course from the OP - who seems only concerned about whether she has a stash of cup cakes and some walkers crisps available)

Jeez mumsnet mums have hung, drawn and quartered this guy. I’m sure your daughter is capable of letting you know if the relationship isn’t working for her anymore and I guess then he will need to work out a place to live. I wouldn’t have seen him homeless either OP. I do think you need to tell him if he’s not attending college he’s to get a job. I know you’re not his parent but he’s 18 and still young and probably needs that kick up the bum. Does he know what he wants to do? Re-sit A levels? A course, maybe he needs a bit of motherly advice.

re the food just have a word, say your kids are upset the snacks are going quickly so you have a new rule or you’re locking them away so they last the week. Tell him shopping is expensive and prices are rising. If he’s not even contributing financially at the moment then he can’t complain. Are they both working part time? Sorry can’t remember if you said, but both at 18 can be contributing a little to bills. Your DD will have a student loan and can work part time around Uni and full time in holidays, same for the boy.

@Strawberryboost

1, snacks are expensive
2, learning to share / being considerate of others is an important life skill
3, the other children require them for lunches
4, everyone is entitled not just one person
5, the op has a responsibility to this boy and should encourage a healthy attitude towards food
, the op asked for advise about snacks

All would mean bugger all to me if it meant my daughter was living in squalor with a boy who didn’t bother to attend school, doesn’t work, doesn’t want to work and eats all the flipping snacks.

nope - it would never ever have even got close to this stage.

learning to share / being considerate of others is an important life skill 😂 did you catch he’s… 18?!

@Strawberryboost

Yes but if he doesn't know that he still needs to be taught? Otherwise how will he learn. Op seems to have no other issues with the boy he's starting college and currently she's happy to continue to support him. It's her lived experience not yours.

You’re cutting him a lot of slack, but this might be making your expectations of him unclear to him and maybe he needs clear boundaries to get back on track. With my DSS, I told him he was allowed 25% of the snacks in our household of 4 and if he wanted more junk food than his equal share, he had to buy it himself. If he broke this rule, he wouldn’t be allowed any and he’d have to buy all of his own. He has stuck to this, as it’s a reasonable request.

Your DD’s boyfriend also sounds a bit lost when it comes to what to do with his life. If you want to help him, I’d suggest having a dedicated conversation about what he’d like to do and how you could help him. A job or apprenticeship would give him some control of his life back and some financial freedom. You could help him source jobs and apply, get him to interviews, which you coach him on beforehand etc. Again I did this for DSS and now he finds his own job opportunities, because he knows what to do. I would also take rent from him, so that he understands that he doesn’t get a free ride.

So agree.

Hard to believe any mother that cared for her daughter and had any smattering of grey matter would put her daughter in such a shockingly disadvantaged situation is astounding.

I have daughters around her age, and the idea that WE would so compromise her independence and freedom, weigh her down with the responsibility of his housing, whilst doing exams, and off to college, ......is so completely unfathomable.

She should not be asked if is she ok with this, it should NEVER have happened to begin with.

That you so complete do not get it, IS extraordinary.

You have effectively ended her childhood by moving her boyfriend in on top of her personal space.

That you would care for this boy so far ahead of your own daughter is a bit creepy to me and so off to me.

That you would compromise her exam year by having this messy drop out in her bedroom is so desperately sad, her own mother.

You have let her down terribly and she will rightly judge you very harshly when the penny drops and she has her light bulb 💡 moment, and asks WTF was MY mother thinking by facilitating something so fundamentally against my best interests.

Unfathomable.

This should be a huge wake up call about your lack of parenting, askewed priorities, non existent boundaries, respect for your children's personal space.

OP, I think you are doing a kind thing letting him stay, with his home circumstances. I second all the pp who suggest you have a quiet word with him, letting him know you’re worried about his health, and saying you’re happy to cook him dinner, and he can even eat separately if he wants (he may feel uncomfortable eating with others for whatever reason) but that he should please stop eating the snacks as it’s unhealthy and not fair on the others. Also, please make sure your DD’s birth control is water tight!

He could be developing a eating disorder. He's had a lot to cope with emotionally with his family and failing his exams. Encourage him to see a doctor. Hopefully starting college will help shift him into a new gear. Sounds like you are a lovely, generous person looking out for him. He's lucky to have you on his side.

Usually agree with Billy and on this more so than ever. Concur with every word of that what are you thinking?!

Also what @billy1966 said

focusing on the snacks issue is like worrying about a dripping tap when the roof is collapsing

You sound like a very good mum as decent person. You’re treating him like one of your kids, so talk to him like one, talk about importance of eating proper food and also your house rules, eat as family, not eating all the snacks etc. very selfish a teenager eating younger DC cakes.

Longer term i would be a bit concerned about whether your daughter feels a bit trapped / obligated

Not. My. Problem.

the op is the single parent of multiple children.

she could have involved social services or his school when she first met him at 16, then at least there was a chance they’d have got involved.

now, at 18, as a man, that ship has sailed

my focus is my children. Not men that dont work, won’t want to work, live in squalor in MY daughter’s bedroom, doesn’t understand sharing AND still manages to go out and socialise with friends. No. No. And no

Does he pay his way or you get any money for him. Sounds like he one of your children now. You can't hid food from him anymore than your children . You need to have a chat to him about what his plans are...is he going to resit his a levels or get a job

And it’s hardly love affair of the century

they’ve been on and off for a mere two years

Of course she can hide food from him.

He is literally taking food out of her children’s mouths.

I hope OP wakes up to this.

And if he and dd break up, she won’t see him again, he will move on to the next girl and family.

Gosh, OP — a lot of posters on here taking you to task for doing what I think is a very kind thing: giving a teenage boy a home and some stability. To answer your question, I don’t think you’d be unreasonable to lock some snacks away. I also think you could possibly talk to him about setting some ground rules when he goes back to college. Do you have a good enough relationship with him that you can tell him you’re worried about him? You and your DD both sound brilliant btw.

a lot of posters on here taking you to task for doing what I think is a very kind thing: giving a teenage boy a home and some stability

Since he moved in with OP he has not attended school regularly, failed his A’Levels, stopped eating properly, shown symptoms of serious depression …

It may have been a kind thought. It is not kind to encourage a teenager with multiple educational and domestic difficulties to live in your teenage daughter’s bedroom - and completely fail to arrange any professional support for him. Every single day he spends under the OP’s roof makes it less likely that he will adapt successfully to the independent life he must lead if his family has truly abandoned him.

@BetterWithPockets

its not kind on her daughter though is it?

Agree with @MuddlerInLaw. It would have been kind to let him stay for a few weeks and proactively arrange an independent living solution for him long term or mediation with his own family and the school. This arrangement clearly not in his best interests or her DDs best interests. She needs to be free to explore uni and not be saddled with a high school boyfriend.

Indeed Lucky, it really isn’t. I can’t imagine at the age of 18 being essentially responsible for your bf being housed and fed. She’s already learning (learned) how her needs come second to that of a male

I agree with @billy1966 What a bloody mess the OP has allowed to develop. You can be kind and helpful to a young person without them becoming a cocklodger in your daughters bedroom.

When I had an issue with someone who regularly visited my household eating more than their fair of snacks I set up a snack tin system. Everyone has a tin (old Kirkland coffee tins) in which the snacks are divided up so that everyone has the same. It resolved the issue for us. It also helps everyone to pace themselves a bit through the week so we don't run out. Might something like that help? Xx

As an aside.
Snacks are totally unnecessary, costly & unhealthy.
When I was young (shudder loathe that intro) there was No SNACKING, there were 3 meals a day. Plus 2 biscuits & water at 11 o!/c
(at boarding school it was yesterday's bread & dripping & a 1/3 pint glass bottle of milk.)
At 4pm there was tea & 2 biscuits.
There was no eating in the streets, scoffing a sausage roll or plastic sandwich.
There was no carrying a cup from Starbucks like an accessory.
There was no dedicated "snack cupboard"
Junk food has completely ruined your budget, diets & your waste lines

& yes I know OP needs stuff for the lunch boxes

The boy has his feet under the table.
No-one is Parenting.
Sorry OP.
When DD leaves for uni he should be leaving, or at the minimum paying the going price for lodging, including FOOD, elec & water.
he is effectively homeless, maybe he could get a flat & pay for his own snacks & live in squalor
he should get help from his OWN parents ??????

Your daughter needs you to protect her - get him out ! This is not what your daughter needs at 18!! She thinks it's what's right for her but in hindsight she's going to look back and realise how much of immature idea this was - based on emotions , a shortage of wisdom and life experience !
You can care about him without him living under your roof! He is not your daughter's burden at 18! She's about to start university and most probably have the best years of her life - allow her to enjoy those moments without feeling burdened! I feel sick imagining my mom allowing this at 18!