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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop feeding DD’s boyfriend

363 replies

tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 11:13

I know I'm probably BU

DD and her bf are 18, and they were in an on and off ‘relationship’ since they were 12, but have been together without breaking up for 2 years. For many reasons, he lives with us. Not sure if they're relevant.

DD finished sixth form this year and she's due to start uni in a few weeks. Boyfriend however hasn't done anything since he finished sixth form. He didn't go most of his last year and as a result, failed his A levels. He told DD he wasn't enjoying what he chose and is due to go and do a course at college, I'm not sure if he will stick to it. DD’s room is a mess and I know it isn't DD as she's very tidy but she (rightly) refuses to tidy up after him. In his defence, he is helpful around the house.

My reason for posting is he doesn't eat meals, he constantly snacks. He eats chocolate, sweets, cakes, yoghurts, fruit, cereal etc. I buy the chocolate and sweets as a treat for my DCs and the other things for their lunchboxes, if he eats all of it he goes and buys his own. He used to be underweight and has gained weight but I don't think the constant snacking is good for him. He doesn't eat dinner even though he would previously eat it so I know he likes what I make. DD asked him why and he doesn't really give a reason, just that he isn't hungry.

A few cupcakes were left over from DD’s birthday and he ate all of them yesterday, which led to the DC’s being upset as there would've been enough for all of them to have one each.

WIBU to hide all of the snacks from him and not feed him?

OP posts:
Mix56 · 07/09/2023 21:22

""I would sit him down and explain the expectations if he wants to continue sponging living with you. The room stays tidy, he eats meals with the family and he buys his own snacks. ""

This as an absolute minimum.

Your DD is in "luuurve" with this lad...of course she us happy with her goofy clueless mum taking on the responsibility of his own Mum.
She knows nothing of budgeting, life values, haps been allowed ,seemingly, to have a live in bf from the age of TWELVE

KarenM262 · 07/09/2023 21:25

He sounds depressed, obviously has no appetite but then is snacking, I would sit them both down and explain you can’t keep replacing the snacks and he needs to try and eat a meal. Would he go and talk to a GP? The other thing I would be thinking is he smoking weed, is there a possibility he’s doing that then getting the munchies?

Stomacharmeleon · 07/09/2023 21:36

I don't understand why if he hasn't been going to school he hasn't got a job. Are you that flush that you can afford to just support him. And your daughter now she is at uni?
At the very least his mother should be involved. Who is clothing him?
Your neighbour must have a lot of odd jobs....

Lavender14 · 07/09/2023 21:38

I would recommend getting him a support worker. I would put it to him that he's 18 now, he's been dealt a bit of a shit hand in terms of the family breakdown and it would be good for him to have more people in his support network so he can achieve his goals. I think it sounds like he's using food to give himself an emotional boost given the nature of what he'll eat. Either that or a bit of self punishment. There's supported accommodation for young people his age in his situation and a floating support worker would help him get social housing as well. That might be a way for him and your dd to have space while staying together. I wouldn't keep all the food away from him but what I would do is keep out 'allowed' snacks in a bowl or tin that's fair game and keep that topped up. Then I'd have a cupboard for snacks you want to distribute so he's not eating through those but he's still got access to food. Anxiety and depression can also encourage people to snack but they might find a full meal hard to stomach.

ihadamarveloustime · 07/09/2023 21:48

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · 07/09/2023 21:13

It's bad enough accidentally saddling yourself with a cocklodger as an adult. Your mum doing it to you as a teenager is completely unthinkable.

I genuinely think you need to reassess the living situation from the perspective of your daughter's Needs (not her Wants, they might be different). As her mother you really have painted her into a corner and are limiting her horizons by allowing this.

👏

QuillBill · 07/09/2023 21:58

tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 20:22

I've spoken to DD and have told her to tell me if she wants to break up with him/doesn't want him to live here anymore already and she's said she's happy with him here. He isn't a dropout, he finished school at the same time as DD.

He treats her well and there's no issues with him apart from this, and by leaves her room a mess I mean clothes all over the floor etc.

You said he failed his A levels because he didn't go to school for most of last year. That's not participating, it's dropping out.

Putting the responsibility of making this man homeless on to your daughter is not on. I'm actually astounded that someone would think that any of this was a good idea.

Hibiscrubbed · 07/09/2023 22:25

Sorry, why is this greedy waste of space living with you again?

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/09/2023 22:29

@tobatz0220

“I feel for your daughter. She’s 18 and on the cusp of some of the best days of her life. She’s like an old married woman. If she wants to snog a few boys at freshers week she can’t, she comes home to her BF whose waiting at her family home. She can’t break up with him as she knows he’ll be homeless. Imagine that pressure at 18!! Women feel like that after 20 odd years of marriage and 3 kids. She’s too young for all this. If she goes on a girls holiday with her new uni mates, will he stay home eating all your food? FFS this is an impossible situation you’ve been lumbered with.”

THIS! 👆

Aserena · 07/09/2023 22:31

tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 19:24

He wasn't living here from 16, it's been 8 months. He was 17 and DD was 18.

His parents aren't paying for him, I don't think he's had contact with his mum for a while and he doesn't talk to his dad as he moved abroad and he's still annoyed about it.

@Aserena the issue isn't me not cooking big enough meals, he doesn't eat them anyway.

Sorry, I get that, it was just that you said you were going to stop feeding him. I’m suggesting cutting the snacks completely, but potentially upping the meals (as he will be more hungry if he is bot snacking).

Original poster
tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 22:54

He's definitely not smoking weed. I will try to encourage him to see the GP or get DD to try to if he doesn't listen to me.

OP posts:
Yummers8 · 07/09/2023 23:11

I am sorry but are you mad? He is sharing your daughter’s bedroom and not even paying you the respect of eating meals with your family? Just raiding your snack cupboard? And you have allowed this? Please, start to be a PARENT

Mirabai · 07/09/2023 23:20

Yummers8 · 07/09/2023 23:11

I am sorry but are you mad? He is sharing your daughter’s bedroom and not even paying you the respect of eating meals with your family? Just raiding your snack cupboard? And you have allowed this? Please, start to be a PARENT

This.

QueenBitch666 · 08/09/2023 02:22

Prioritise your own family and get rid. What a toxic environment for them

CherryMaDeara · 08/09/2023 02:45

He needs to leave. I don’t understand women who prioritise their boyfriends or their daughter’s boyfriends over their own children. You’re taking money away from your own dc by letting him live with you. You may think it’s just food, electricity etc but it’s thousands of £££ over time.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 08/09/2023 03:01

What about talking to him about disordered eating, and ask him if he thinks he eats normally? It doesn’t sound like he grew up in a family with regular meals and conversation around the table. It might make him uncomfortable.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 08/09/2023 03:07

To the question you ACTUALLY asked (God a lot of MNers are nosy about the ins and outs of everything), no you wouldn't be unreasonable to start locking snacks away. It doesn't matter who is eating them all up, they shouldn't do it and it they are that undisciplined about their behaviour then you'll just have to lock things up. Either a locked cupboard which only you can access or some locked boxes which you can distribute snacks to so each child can help themselves to their own are both good options.

It's probably a vicious cycle for him now. So much sugar leads to sugar cravings so he snacks more. He eats so many snacks so isn't hungry, and then snacks again later in the evening.

Tell him why you're doing it though, that because he has taken to eating the majority of the snacks and that is both unfair in everyone else and not good for his physical and mental health, you will now be removing the temptation.

MyGardensAMess · 08/09/2023 03:27

My adult children who have left school have their own box in the pantry which they fill with their own snacks, that they pay for. No-one goes into others' boxes. This might be a good solution for you. Give boyfriend and daughter a box they can put their own snacks in, which they pay for. You provide the main meal and lunch food is open, but snacks are on them to buy and store. They don't touch your own snack foods. Keeps it simple.

Zinn · 08/09/2023 04:25

I can’t understand why you would want this boy in your home. Do you have a partner? Do you subconsciously want a man in your home?

If his family won’t support him, he should be encouraged to become independent. He should certainly be expected to have a proper job.

Gingernan · 08/09/2023 04:33

I think OP needs a bit more support as she has said daughters dad not around. Sounds like she is on her own? I've been there and it's easy to fall into difficult situations with teens at the best of times. I've often made decisions with my kids that others probably disapproved of but they turned out OK. At 18 they are still children but are having to do a lot of difficult adult things too.
Not ideal for the rest of the family but he has been around a long time. Good on her for helping him out when his own family failed him.
Young people can have poor eating habits. If he is cooking for you sometimes that's hopeful. Find out if he's eating when he's out of the house. Might be junk but doesn't sound like an actual eating disorder. Restrict the snacks though especially if you had planned them for the whole family.
Understandable if your daughter wants to go to local uni, it's a sensible choice for many. She sounds very mature and like she is setting a good example to bf. She should still be encouraged to take advantage of what uni has to offer, socially. Of course it may make her question her relationship with bf, we cant tell what the future holds. College hopefully will set bf on the right path. Let them know what your expectations are and that you need to trust them to get on with it as you have your younger children ( and yourself!) to consider.
I hope it all works out.

Imisssleep2 · 08/09/2023 04:41

No your not unreasonable, I would do the same, tbh if it was me and his course is only part time I would be insisting he get a job and start paying some rent. Your daughter is still in education, but once she finishes that the same would apply. Even if it's only a small amount per week, needs to be relative to earnings really, but teaches money management and appreciation for things.

Once my children are old enough and have a job it is my full intention to charge a small rent, and if my financial situation can accommodate it, it will go into a savings account which they will get back once they are ready to buy their own property or to go towards a deposit for their house, so they will get it back in the end, saving without realising it.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 08/09/2023 04:52

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 07/09/2023 11:30

I think he needs to move out.

It's not really appropriate for him to be living with you, DD and your younger DC. It puts everyone in an uncomfortable position and leaves DD potentially stuck in a relationship she doesn't want because he he's got nowhere else to go.

This.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 08/09/2023 05:01

CherryMaDeara · 08/09/2023 02:45

He needs to leave. I don’t understand women who prioritise their boyfriends or their daughter’s boyfriends over their own children. You’re taking money away from your own dc by letting him live with you. You may think it’s just food, electricity etc but it’s thousands of £££ over time.

Agree with this. Wtf???

He sounds like an oaf who will drag your daughter down in life. Don't facilitate it.

blendedfamly · 08/09/2023 05:11

Can you talk to him and ask him not to take all the snacks. Can you speak to him about why he's not eating dinner anymore and help him see the link?

If he still does it then yes lock snacks away.

Custardslices · 08/09/2023 05:21

Danger with booting him is your daughter might leave with him, he's all she's ever known.

Its a situation you've created here OP that's a ticking time bomb 💣

Strawberryboost · 08/09/2023 06:10

I will take a punt Op that you’re in a low paying job and finances are very tight?

I would be very surprised if you have savings, let alone savings for your children

I would be very very surprised if you said you owned your property outright. I would not be surprised if you said you rented.

and yet here you are - channeling money towards this boy which could go to YOUR children. Unfathomable