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AIBU?

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Original poster

To stop feeding DD’s boyfriend

363 replies

tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 11:13

I know I'm probably BU

DD and her bf are 18, and they were in an on and off ‘relationship’ since they were 12, but have been together without breaking up for 2 years. For many reasons, he lives with us. Not sure if they're relevant.

DD finished sixth form this year and she's due to start uni in a few weeks. Boyfriend however hasn't done anything since he finished sixth form. He didn't go most of his last year and as a result, failed his A levels. He told DD he wasn't enjoying what he chose and is due to go and do a course at college, I'm not sure if he will stick to it. DD’s room is a mess and I know it isn't DD as she's very tidy but she (rightly) refuses to tidy up after him. In his defence, he is helpful around the house.

My reason for posting is he doesn't eat meals, he constantly snacks. He eats chocolate, sweets, cakes, yoghurts, fruit, cereal etc. I buy the chocolate and sweets as a treat for my DCs and the other things for their lunchboxes, if he eats all of it he goes and buys his own. He used to be underweight and has gained weight but I don't think the constant snacking is good for him. He doesn't eat dinner even though he would previously eat it so I know he likes what I make. DD asked him why and he doesn't really give a reason, just that he isn't hungry.

A few cupcakes were left over from DD’s birthday and he ate all of them yesterday, which led to the DC’s being upset as there would've been enough for all of them to have one each.

WIBU to hide all of the snacks from him and not feed him?

OP posts:
Mix56 · 07/09/2023 18:23

........."with NO intention"........

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2023 18:24

postingandtoasting · 07/09/2023 16:46

Cakes are the least of your worries really, you have been kind enough to this lad but this is not a healthy set up for your daughter. She needs to be able to start afresh at Uni without this millstone around her neck, whether she is living with you or not. You need to get him to either move with his Dad or other relatives or approach social services and/or a youth charity to offer him support to get him somewhere to live. It actually might have been better in terms of support if he could have approached these agencies before he turned 18. Not quite the same but I had a friend who used to stay over a lot when I was a young teenager. My parents allowed it and my mum still laughs about how this girl virtually lived with us for a year but I resent my Mum a bit. I wish she had been a parent and sent my friend home, because my friend was actually pretty overbearing and not a great influence. I know a set up like yours at the moment where both parties are at Uni, and the partner lives with the family in the holidays. Young relationships rarely last and I have no idea how my friends kid could get out of this relationship if they wanted to - without basically making the other person homeless. The parents should have said no.

I agree. It’s similar though isn’t it?

My dd had a friend like this when she was a tween. It took a while to see how overbearing she was because she was so nice and sweet and a bit vulnerable. But some things really jarred and I felt she had her feet too firmly under the table and was acting like a sibling rather than a guest in my home. I put boundaries up and encouraged dd to make friends with some other girls, who wanted to hang out with her but the girl had prevented dd from doing. The girl hated it.

I know your dd may think she knows her own mind op. My dd also thought her relationship with this friend was great. Except she was trapped and when the friend saw she was losing her grip, she became erratic and more manipulative. Her mother handled it terribly and things didn’t end well… not because of anything my dd did albeit she was blamed - long story.

It really is a shame that you can’t see how unhealthy this is op. You’re the mature adult and should be exploring other possibilities with him, whether that’s moving home or finding somewhere else to live. This would be for him as much as your dd.

Lampzade · 07/09/2023 18:26

Op, you are making a rod for your own back which will most probably have a negative effect on your daughter’s future.
The fact that you are not aware of this is concerning

Hubblebubble · 07/09/2023 18:37

You need to facilitate him getting a roomshare in a house with other young people. It will be best for everyone.
And I say this as someone who lived with my bfs lovely family during university holidays because my own family are abusive.
It creates an unhealthy dependency. The bf may not even want to still be in the relationship, but he's trapped and vulnerable by the security you're offering him.

CoffeeBean5 · 07/09/2023 18:49

tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 15:57

I didn't post to be judged on whether I was U for letting him move in, DD is happy, their relationship is good. They also aren't on and off, they've been together for 2 years without any breakups.

I didn't get involved with telling him to go to sixth form because it'd be on him if he failed, which he did. I was the same with DD, I never got her up and if she didn't go it was up to her, but she did. Her boyfriend would often say he felt unwell or he’d finish early. I will tell him if he doesn't go to college he'll have to get a job but he's not started yet or mentioned anything about not going.

He did apologise to my younger DC for eating the cupcakes and has said he'll buy them some more.

Your dd hasn't broken up with him because he lives in her house. If she broke up with him then where would he go and live? She's trapped because she'll feel guilty if he can't find somewhere else to stay. 16 is far too young to start living together and I bet that's why they're still together. This really isn't healthy for your dd and I'm so shocked that you've allowed this.

Riverlee · 07/09/2023 18:53

I think you’ve got to decide what ‘status’ he has in your home. Is he a lodger, or ‘son’?

If son, you treat him exactly the same as other dc, so he can eat what he wants, has the same rules and boundaries as your dad and other dc etc

If he’s a lodger, then you can dictate different rules. He cooks his own food, does his own washing, pays rent etc.

Also, is dc moving away for uni? What happens if she wants to sit with bf? What will you do then?

You have been generous in that you have supported this lad, but you got to decide where he fits in your household.

Aserena · 07/09/2023 19:00

YWBU to just ‘hide the snacks’ and ‘not feed him’.

  1. Talk to him about it (or get Dd to raise it with him.)
  2. Stop buying snacks.
  3. Cook enormous meals.
  4. Reintroduce snacks at a later date, keep them in your bedroom to hand out as and when.
Lorelielee · 07/09/2023 19:07

Would a supported lodgings placement be better for him? Maybe you could explore that for him? You will need to speak to your Local Authority housing team who will be able to sign post you.

this is an over view of what Supported Lodgings is:

Supported lodgings is a semi-independent type of accommodation where a young person is given the opportunity to live with a host family or individual who guides them on their journey to independence. Hosts help young people develop life skills such as cooking, basic DIY, managing money and household bills in preparation for moving to their own home when they are ready.
Young people who require supported lodgings include those moving on from foster or residential care, young people who may be homeless or experiencing difficulties at home, and young refugees who arrive in Northern Ireland without a parent or guardian. These young people may be engaged in education, training or employment and will be in need of advice and support.

Pista41 · 07/09/2023 19:10

OP you’ve been very kind to this kid and that’s commendable - definitely tell him no about the snacks, you shouldn’t have to hide them but surely you can lay down a rule on that one.

I know you don’t want to hear it re your daughter and I am not judging you but I just think you should take into consideration that when she goes to uni, a lot will change, she will have a different outlook and her eyes opened to lots of different possibilities, and almost certainly she will end up wanting something different. I don’t know anyone who stayed with their childhood boyfriend at uni, in fact no one who made it past the first year. (Apart from one friend who stayed at home living with her boyfriend - which does make it much more difficult to split - and frankly that wasn’t good for her).

If you haven’t already, I would say you really should sit your daughter down and let her know that if she needs him out at any point, he’s gone, and that it’s ok if she wants to explore other things. I hear you that she’s committed to the relationship, but that’s within a setup that makes it now quite difficult for her to even contemplate other options. You need to let her know that you aren’t treating them as a pair, that she is still your priority and that she does have the freedom to go her own way if she wants.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 07/09/2023 19:12

I wouldn't be happy with this set up at all. Are his parents paying for him?

When my dds boyfriend stays over (both 17yo) he eats meals and helps clears up. I don't allow food in the bedrooms anyway. I wouldn't be happy with him creating any mess, not eating with the family or eating all the snacks!!

I would sit him down and explain the expectations if he wants to continue sponging living with you. The room stays tidy, he eats meals with the family and he buys his own snacks.

They are all completely reasonable and normal requests.

Original poster
tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 19:24

He wasn't living here from 16, it's been 8 months. He was 17 and DD was 18.

His parents aren't paying for him, I don't think he's had contact with his mum for a while and he doesn't talk to his dad as he moved abroad and he's still annoyed about it.

@Aserena the issue isn't me not cooking big enough meals, he doesn't eat them anyway.

OP posts:
Girliefriendlikespuppies · 07/09/2023 19:25

I agree with all the pps who said your dd is now effectively trapped with this boy, even if she did want to break up with him how could she?

You're basically putting his needs above your dds which is really sad. He's not your responsibility, if he's homeless speak to the college or social services.

The food issues may be an ED? Is there any chance he's binging and purging? He already sounds depressed/anxious. This is not for you to sort out, his parents need to take him back!!!

Asyousayit · 07/09/2023 19:42

You seen a vulnerable kid who happened to date your daughter, she was concerned about her boyfriend. Why on earth did you take this lad into YOUR house when you have a multitude of existing responsibilities? He may be experiencing turmoil at home but it's not your responsibility to take him in and provide for him. Your daughter seems to be on a promising path and he seems to be very troubled. Why would you foster this doomed relationship? And cause uneeded stress to your daughter with him being around her 24/7. What if she got pregnant??? He's a drop out and she has a good future ahead of her! Notify your local council or ss as he's 17. He shouldn't be in your home for a multitude of reasons.

newfriend05 · 07/09/2023 19:43

If he's still in education, is his mum still claiming child benefit for him and child tax / premium .. if so that's unfair you should be receiving itv

Riverlee · 07/09/2023 20:00

If he’s not eating your meals, then he needs to learn to cook and cook his own meals.

As he is still living with you, make it’s his responsibility to cook one meal a week for the whole family. Start Simple spaghetti Bol, shepherds pie etc. Get him a student cookbook to find recipes.

buzz91 · 07/09/2023 20:01

Hiding the snacks treats him like a naughty child and will probably just force him to snack secretly with his own money, which although helping you financially/stops your younger children missing out, isn’t in his best interest. From everything you’ve mentioned he’s got an unhealthy relationship with food, using it as a substitute/buffer. He needs an open and honest conversation about your worries, for him and the wider household

Asyousayit · 07/09/2023 20:06

You're not his mum so can't hide snacks or discipline him. But you've got younger children looking at this lad as an example. It's not a good one. Have you had a private discussion with your daughter about him being in your house? Eating all the kids snacks seems rude as hell. Does he pay his way?

Original poster
tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 20:22

I've spoken to DD and have told her to tell me if she wants to break up with him/doesn't want him to live here anymore already and she's said she's happy with him here. He isn't a dropout, he finished school at the same time as DD.

He treats her well and there's no issues with him apart from this, and by leaves her room a mess I mean clothes all over the floor etc.

OP posts:
ihadamarveloustime · 07/09/2023 20:29

The problem with letting him live there, is you really are making it harder for her to end the relationship down the line if she wants to. Statistics bear this out. Inertia is real, and people who live together find it much harder to end relationships than those who don't because of it.

She's 18 and has her entire life in front of her. you are saddling her with this relationship, possibly forever, by letting him move in. They are much too young to be living together.

All IMO, of course, but I think you're insane to be considering this.

TolkiensFallow · 07/09/2023 20:34

You need to explain the family food rules to him.

ie “each week I buy xyz and this means that x amount is allocated for the children’s lunches and there is this much left over for everyone else. The expectation is that food is shared fairly and lasts the week”

when I was younger I knew that one pack of crisps per day was my limit

2Rebecca · 07/09/2023 20:52

You're changing your story In your first post you said he'd been truanting/ school refusing for the past year. That's not mature behaviour. Wtf has he been doing for the past year if not going to school? He sounds like a waster

Original poster
tobatz0220 · 07/09/2023 20:56

2Rebecca · 07/09/2023 20:52

You're changing your story In your first post you said he'd been truanting/ school refusing for the past year. That's not mature behaviour. Wtf has he been doing for the past year if not going to school? He sounds like a waster

I'm not changing my story I said he didn't go for most of his last year, not all. And as I said in my PP he was helping out the neighbour, not everyday just when they needed help.

OP posts:
Asyousayit · 07/09/2023 21:07

He didn't go for most of last year...
He's unreliable and uncommitted even under your roof. And I doubt she would tell you if she wants him gone as she's an adolescent and wants to prove her mum wrong. He's not good for your daughter. Be a mum and sort accommodation for him elsewhere, where they can't conduct a natural independent relationship where they can both see flaws and virtues. At the moment you are sticking a 17/18 year old girl with a permanent burden of a relationship she doesn't need!!

Olika · 07/09/2023 21:12

TolkiensFallow · 07/09/2023 20:34

You need to explain the family food rules to him.

ie “each week I buy xyz and this means that x amount is allocated for the children’s lunches and there is this much left over for everyone else. The expectation is that food is shared fairly and lasts the week”

when I was younger I knew that one pack of crisps per day was my limit

This

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · 07/09/2023 21:13

It's bad enough accidentally saddling yourself with a cocklodger as an adult. Your mum doing it to you as a teenager is completely unthinkable.

I genuinely think you need to reassess the living situation from the perspective of your daughter's Needs (not her Wants, they might be different). As her mother you really have painted her into a corner and are limiting her horizons by allowing this.

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