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AIBU?

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Original poster

Asking adult step child to move out?

326 replies

Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 01:35

I have two ds’s 14, My partner has a dd 19 and a ds 23. All live here full time.

We live together in my house. Partners kids have a small room each and my boys share a bigger room. My boys have well and truly reached the age where they need their own space. I feel like it might be time for the ss to move out. He has finished uni and is working full time.

My partner and I have spoken about this a year ago and agreed to rent a place for a while once my kids needed their own rooms, but it will cost a fortune to do this. I don’t particularly want to live with ss anymore. All the kids are equally annoying, but I thought ss would have grown out of a lot of the juvenile shit, but he still torments my kids and starts a lot of squabbles. Ss was away for a week and it was heaven. I started the conversation on how to deal with the room issue and DP said to look at rentals. But this means I will be paying a few hundred dollars a month more so ss can live with us.

I feel very conflicted, because if this was one of my kids there is no way I would ask them to move out.
I don’t know if I should suggest ss moves out and DP supplements some of his rent, or to suggest we live separately for a few years. Or give DP the option of paying all the extra rent.

My mind is all over the place. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
sofasofa42 · 07/09/2023 11:22

I don't know how he has managed to convince you that his kids get their own rooms in your house.
I think you can amicably live separately and he can have a house share with his adult children. Whilst you are able to provide and care for your young children . He can get a rental. On his own .

Hubblebubble · 07/09/2023 11:23

At 23 I would ask my own son to move out. We don't come from a multi generational living culture and I genuinely think flying the nest is healthy and necessary for personal growth. However, I would be the guaranteur for his rental, help him find a place, help him move/furnish new place, pay first months rent.

Original poster
Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 11:23

His kids got their own rooms because mine were little. Their room is bigger and was also the toy room.

OP posts:
Hubblebubble · 07/09/2023 11:25

Also, at 23, doesn't he want to have a sex/relationship life? Maybe play TLCs no scrubs for some subliminal messaging

caringcarer · 07/09/2023 11:26

Does the 23 year old who works contribute by paying board? If not start charging him board to at least cover his food. I'd give him 6 months to find a room to rent in a shared house. Your DP can pay his deposit and first month rent if he wishes and I'd move your son's into a room of their own each. It's your house. If your DP makes a fuss suggest he and his DC move out and rent together and you stay in your home with your own DC. It might be fun to date again. I think your DP is using you to accommodate his DC at the expense of your own DC.

talkito · 07/09/2023 11:33

Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 04:13

With the kids paying rent I have left that up to their dad. He pays the agreed rent for the two rooms, if they contribute to that it’s up to him.

He sent me a few links to rentals nearby and I sent a message back asking if he is paying the difference. He said no we would be splitting the rent 50/50. So that’s not an option. I have left it at his son has the room for another three months then one of mine will be in it. His son is always welcome to live here, but he needs to share with his sister. I will write a formal eviction notice tonight.

Please don't write a formal eviction notice...

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/09/2023 11:57

Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 11:23

His kids got their own rooms because mine were little. Their room is bigger and was also the toy room.

How big is their room. Can it be split into 2 with cubes /storage

I assume house was yours when he moved in

How long have you been together /were his kids when moved into yours

Elmerchecks · 07/09/2023 12:13

There is nothing about this post and other posts on MN that warrants the kind of unpleasant comments that the OP is receiving. Step away from the keyboard, go for a walk and maybe come back in a week.

GabriellaMontez · 07/09/2023 12:17

FrogFairy · 07/09/2023 10:32

Hell would freeze over before I would allow my children to be tormented by an adult in their own home.

This.

I my children's home, that I own. He wouldn't be getting a 3 month notice period either.

AnotherForumUser · 07/09/2023 12:20

BeachHutCornwall · 07/09/2023 11:14

This.

If you are treating them any different to your own children, then you have no right to call yourself a 'step mum'

You should have thought about this when purchasing your house, maybe...I don't know, but what you are talking about OP is deliberately making someone unwelcome whilst claiming to be some kind of parental figure, which you ain't

Show quote history

It's made clear in her posts, the OP bought her house before the cock lodger appeared on the scene. Please so explain how she should have thought of this before she bought her own fucking house? Should all of us buying property think hmm I might meet a cocklodger and he and his family might move into my home in years to come so will need extra bedrooms for them?

SchoolQuestionnaire · 07/09/2023 12:21

FloweryName · 07/09/2023 02:00

I feel very conflicted, because if this was one of my kids there is no way I would ask them to move out.

You’ve answered your own question already.

You know that asking him to move out would be a shitty thing to do if you wouldn’t do it to your own.

This.

Backagain23 · 07/09/2023 12:26

Oh some of these posts are funny!
Please OP, let this spoilt man child continue to hamper your own children's lives or you won't be able to call yourself his "step mum".
Let your DP continue to put his adult child above your dependent children or he might just fall out with you and leave you.
Hilarious that some posters seem to think OP is on to a winner here and she's risking it all by unreasonably advocating for her own children.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 07/09/2023 12:27

SchoolQuestionnaire · 07/09/2023 12:21

This.

Show quote history

I take that back.

Get rid of the dp too, fucking cocklodger. He’s already living with you on the chest and he also expects you to pay 50:50 for his ds to move out. What a cf. Get him out but keep the dsd who sounds adorable.

Fuck sake! This is what I get for not rtft.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2023 12:28

SchoolQuestionnaire · 07/09/2023 12:21

This.

Show quote history

Op later admitted she would ask him to leave it was her ds.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 07/09/2023 12:30

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2023 12:28

Op later admitted she would ask him to leave it was her ds.

Show quote history

Absolutely right. See my correction above.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2023 12:33

Another thing op. Idk how much your ds’s see their father. But these 2 “men” are their role models right now.

You can’t expect them to behave better if they see grown men acting abysmally.

You don’t have long at 14 to turn it around for them. Your influence is waning.

They risk following a similar path and ending up getting worse and worse as they get older, rather like your dss.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2023 12:33

SchoolQuestionnaire · 07/09/2023 12:30

Absolutely right. See my correction above.

Show quote history

Yes, I see we agree. It was a cross post.

LadyBird1973 · 07/09/2023 13:03

Generally I'm in favour of housing adult kids when they need the help. But it only works if they aren't a complete pita and aren't causing aggro for the rest of the family. In your shoes I'd definitely make him move out. He needs to grow up a lot bit and that won't happen while he's being babies and completely over indulged at your house. And it is your house, not his! The time has come to put your own boys first because they really have no choices in where they live and they deserve to have their needs met, as your step children's needs were met when they were younger and in need of their own rooms. Step don is being very selfish and it's past time you put a stop to it. You aren't being horrible, in fact you've been a lovely and very accommodating step mum. But your own dc are now paying the price of step son being over indulged and babied, which isn't fair on them.

billy1966 · 07/09/2023 13:20

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/09/2023 12:33

Another thing op. Idk how much your ds’s see their father. But these 2 “men” are their role models right now.

You can’t expect them to behave better if they see grown men acting abysmally.

You don’t have long at 14 to turn it around for them. Your influence is waning.

They risk following a similar path and ending up getting worse and worse as they get older, rather like your dss.

Excellent point.

The two role models she has provided for her son.

One who finds a solvent woman with a home and moves his two older children in.

One 9 years older than them that bullys and tormets them relentlessly.

What a nightmare childhood for them.....all for the sake of a man.

Two prizes she has provided for her sons to see model loser manhood.

Jb1385 · 07/09/2023 13:41

Speak to your step son..find out what his longer term objectives are how long does he intend to stay home. Ultimately when your partner move in you took his children on and as you say you would not kick your kids out so show his the same respect. If there is nothing you can do to make the set up more palatable for you all look at a rental of somewhere bigger but its your step sons responsibility to pay additional costs your incurring to support his longer term housing needs as a working member of your family

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/09/2023 13:44

@BeachHutCornwall

why are you assuming OP wants to claim a maternal role?!

believe it or not, not all women are desperate to be in a maternal role towards any and all children

Parentofmultiplechildren · 07/09/2023 13:50

He's also 23, working full time and torments her kids though, being responsible for your own children once they reach adulthood is one thing but to actively have to rent a different house which costs a lot more which at that time is unaffordable because a full grown adult who has a full time job who is making your life difficult doesnt want his own indipendence, na way, that man needs to move out and grow up.

LadyBird1973 · 07/09/2023 13:57

You'd be absolutely batshit crazy to rent a bigger house do that you can continue to house a grown arse adult who is a pita. And who isn't even your child!
I like that your dp pulls him up on his behaviour but if you aren't careful, things could easily morph into true cocklodger territory - you renting a bigger house for his 23year olds benefit, gets dangerously close to it!

FiestyGemini · 07/09/2023 14:08

It's not cheap living alone or even with multiple friends. Can he afford to move out? How stable is his job? Just finished uni I'm assuming he's not on a great salary, how much debt does he have? I'm sure he doesn't want to stay at home but many are forced to. I would charge a small rent and save that on his behalf for a deposit for a property but he should get used to money management, did anyone teach him?

LadyBird1973 · 07/09/2023 14:13

It's not only about the cost of him living at home - it's that he's a negative force in the house. And OPs own children need their own rooms. It's not reasonable to house adult kids, who are earning, at the expense of younger children at home.