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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking adult step child to move out?

326 replies

Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 01:35

I have two ds’s 14, My partner has a dd 19 and a ds 23. All live here full time.

We live together in my house. Partners kids have a small room each and my boys share a bigger room. My boys have well and truly reached the age where they need their own space. I feel like it might be time for the ss to move out. He has finished uni and is working full time.

My partner and I have spoken about this a year ago and agreed to rent a place for a while once my kids needed their own rooms, but it will cost a fortune to do this. I don’t particularly want to live with ss anymore. All the kids are equally annoying, but I thought ss would have grown out of a lot of the juvenile shit, but he still torments my kids and starts a lot of squabbles. Ss was away for a week and it was heaven. I started the conversation on how to deal with the room issue and DP said to look at rentals. But this means I will be paying a few hundred dollars a month more so ss can live with us.

I feel very conflicted, because if this was one of my kids there is no way I would ask them to move out.
I don’t know if I should suggest ss moves out and DP supplements some of his rent, or to suggest we live separately for a few years. Or give DP the option of paying all the extra rent.

My mind is all over the place. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 07/09/2023 09:42

I'd have been gutted if I'd been unwelcome in my parents' home when I was 23.

On the flip side, I'd have fully expected them to at least be wanting to reclaim the room by then and not taken it as a comment on me. And that's without younger siblings. I'd have been baffled by the idea of being upset that my parents didn't keep my bedroom for me when there were younger siblings who were still sharing, I'd have found that attitude so childish.

mayorofcasterbridge · 07/09/2023 09:46

aSofaNearYou · 07/09/2023 09:42

I'd have been gutted if I'd been unwelcome in my parents' home when I was 23.

On the flip side, I'd have fully expected them to at least be wanting to reclaim the room by then and not taken it as a comment on me. And that's without younger siblings. I'd have been baffled by the idea of being upset that my parents didn't keep my bedroom for me when there were younger siblings who were still sharing, I'd have found that attitude so childish.

Would you indeed. How interesting.

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/09/2023 09:49

How long have you been together @Thisisfortyish

Why did he move in and your kids share a room

You say your boys share the biggest room

Can this be divided into two ?

If not then options

He moves out into a share

They all move out into another house

You all move into a bigger 5 bed house

billy1966 · 07/09/2023 09:50

It's not the 23 year olds parents home.

His father found a woman with weak boundaries who had a house and was prepared to put him ahead of her own children.

She has allowed this guy use her and live at a huge discount in her home taking two bedrooms for his children.

She has allowed the eldest child torment her two children, younger by 9 years to be tormented by this mans children.

I'd love to hear her son's opinion on these losers she foisted on them.

He has allowed his son torment her much younger children.

Tormenting is bullying.

Absolutely shameful behaviour to allow your children to suffer all to keep your man happy 🙄.

Your poor sons.
What a childhood.

WanderinStar · 07/09/2023 09:52

The stories about blended families on here has put me off them for life. With so much hurt and pain, they should be very seldom started

PrimalOwl10 · 07/09/2023 09:52

I'm going to be frank you've got yourself 2 Cocklodgers here. This is your house you worked and paid for it. Your accommodating them both at the expense of your own 2 sons. Your dp saw you coming here, he wants it all for the benefit of his family not yours why should you spend 50 percent towards a rental! Put your boys first they will thankyou for it. He is a grown man working full time, it's time he's independent.

WanderinStar · 07/09/2023 09:53

Just Google "mothers boyfriend" and you see how blended families are often terrible

MimiGC · 07/09/2023 09:54

You say that when it comes to winding people up, the SS 'can give it but can't take it'. For me, that's the crux of the problem- that's immature, bullying behaviour. That stops right away or he has to leave, with or without his father.

Original poster
Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 10:03

Step daughter is lovely. She will get the big bedroom. She does help a bit with unpacking dishwasher etc, so does ss. DP is actually really good at making sure all the kids help equally as he does a lot.

The kitchen/living room is open plan so it can’t be made into a bedroom. I agree @SunRainStorm I think ss needs to move out for a few years to grow up.

He is stroppy with me now, he was excited initially until he realised he will be in a house share not being given a flat on his own.

An example of what it’s like to live with him. He has been home for an hour and caused three fights so far. First he took his sister’s phone and wouldn’t give it back. Then he farted in my son’s face, my son pushed him away then ss carried on about being pushed for 10 minutes. He then drank the last of the milk out the carton, left it on the bench. His dad told him to go and get more, but went to his room and slammed the door. So if anyone feels he is being hard done by his wicked step mum, please feel free to come and take him.

OP posts:
Beezknees · 07/09/2023 10:03

WanderinStar · 07/09/2023 09:52

The stories about blended families on here has put me off them for life. With so much hurt and pain, they should be very seldom started

Yep. I've been a lone parent for 15 years for that reason. A man and someone else's kids in my house disrupting MY son's life? Never.

Georgyporky · 07/09/2023 10:04

He's an irritating lodger, not a "child".
Your house, so your decision to make him leave.

Original poster
Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 10:07

I could also list the good parts, but it wouldn’t be as interesting.

OP posts:
MarshyMcMarshFace · 07/09/2023 10:10

He’s 23 years old, has no one spoken to him adult to adult and told him to stop winding up the teens??

If he behaved himself that would seem to relive half the pressure! He lives within the family household he behaves constructively!

SunRainStorm · 07/09/2023 10:16

He sounds like a bully.

Let's see if roommates are willing to put up with that shitty behaviour.

Well done OP, I hope you're enjoying a more peaceful house soon.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 07/09/2023 10:25

Be firmer with the rent for dss.Its your house so he pays you surely?

marblesthecat · 07/09/2023 10:26

He sounds fucking awful. A 23 year old farting in a child's face? I'd tell your DH he can move out with him if he's no insistent of funding the lifestyle of his manchild son.

LardoBurrows · 07/09/2023 10:27

The SS sounds very immature and a bit of a bully. He is an adult male and it's definitely time to leave the nest and be independent.

A pp is right, he won't be able to get away with this behaviour when in a house share, the other tenants won't put up with it and he will have to grow up and start taking responsibility for his own actions.

He is making no attempt at trying to modify his behaviour even after being asked to move out, so you are definitely making the right decision. The sooner he moves out the better for everyone.

FrogFairy · 07/09/2023 10:32

Hell would freeze over before I would allow my children to be tormented by an adult in their own home.

Feverly · 07/09/2023 10:37

What on earth are you doing? You haven't explained why you're allowing this man to bully your kids frequently. Farting in their faces? Why do you refuse to prioritise your kids? The mind boggles.

Appalling thread, yet another woman putting her love life ahead of her kids.

Elmerchecks · 07/09/2023 10:45

23 is an adult and he needs to live like an adult in his own home, which is how it needs to be presented to SS and DP. This is where DP needs to have your back over his adult son and daughter. I hope things resolves themselves.

Original poster
Thisisfortyish · 07/09/2023 10:52

I can assure you as gets in trouble. Mostly by his dad. It’s gotten worse as he gets older, probably because we can’t really do anything about it. My sons are not perfect by any means. They actually both went into his room farted and closed the door. I really need to get rid of them all.

one good thing about a blended family is my step daughter. She offered to move out so her brother could stay. I told her only if I can come with you. Then we spent 20 minutes discussing what we would do and where we would live away from them all.

OP posts:
Elmerchecks · 07/09/2023 10:55

Feverly · 07/09/2023 10:37

What on earth are you doing? You haven't explained why you're allowing this man to bully your kids frequently. Farting in their faces? Why do you refuse to prioritise your kids? The mind boggles.

Appalling thread, yet another woman putting her love life ahead of her kids.

Yet another woman? What world are you in

stayathomer · 07/09/2023 11:09

Your partner wants to rent so they have room, thats fine.

You dont, you want to stay in your home with your kids. Also fine.

Do that.

He moves out with his kids, you stay in your home with yours. Non negotiable and three months notice. He is happy to pay rent somewhere else? Good because thats what he is going to have to do. They are doing this as you are letting them.

So you’re saying instead of figuring it out as a family just split again? A bit of a simplistic way to live your life isn’t it? Sounds like op wants to continue living with her partner and is trying to figure out a way

BeachHutCornwall · 07/09/2023 11:14

FloweryName · 07/09/2023 02:00

I feel very conflicted, because if this was one of my kids there is no way I would ask them to move out.

You’ve answered your own question already.

You know that asking him to move out would be a shitty thing to do if you wouldn’t do it to your own.

This.

If you are treating them any different to your own children, then you have no right to call yourself a 'step mum'

You should have thought about this when purchasing your house, maybe...I don't know, but what you are talking about OP is deliberately making someone unwelcome whilst claiming to be some kind of parental figure, which you ain't

LookItsMeAgain · 07/09/2023 11:20

billy1966 · 07/09/2023 09:19

You have really let your children down with your choice to put your partner and his children ahead of them..

Moving a man and his children in.

Your partner bullys you.

His son torments your children.

In your home.

In your childrens home.

Your partner cares only for his children and takes two bedrooms.

While your children share.

Your poor children putting up with this for years.

You have been subsidising his children for years.

Your poor children.

100% this