My children were invited into a strangers house! Am I over reacting?

[Flowers94]

This is quite long but basically my children are 8&9 and have been playing out at the back of our house for a few months but know where they can and can’t go. a few days ago they’ve gone out and when I’ve gone to shout them in they weren’t responding so I’ve panicked and when they returned about 10 mins later they’ve been in a house about 12 door up stroking a cat.
I’ve explained the them about stranger danger and asked what’s happened and they’ve said the cat was lost so they’ve found it and this couple have said to them that the cat is shy so do they want to come in and stroke/feed the cat.

i went mad at the kids which I maybe shouldn’t have done but they know we don’t go into strangers houses, I am considering going to this couples house and suggesting they don’t invite children into their home as to me that’s extremely odd.
is this an overreaction on my part? Or do normal adults invite children into their homes to stroke there pets

I live on quite a friendly street with loads of kids and before I had my own children the kids would make any excuse to follow me inside. They're curious beings. Now I have my own children it's even worse. Yesterday I found one of them in my kitchen. No idea she had come inside. (I left the door open as my child was playing outside). My point is I'm fairly certain your kids followed them inside and they were being polite.

How can it be a stupid decision for an 8 year old to go into a stranger's house, but not a stupid decision for two grown adults to invite them in? This is sounding like victim blaming.

Sorry to add a second post, but imagine this scenario. Imagine the parents don't have a word, the children continue to go round and it turns out that this couple is the one in however many thousand who are dangerous and something happens to the children.

Those on here saying it's all fine, that the mum shouldn't say anything and that it's all the fault of the 8/9 year old children/the parents for not drumming home stranger danger adequately. What would you be saying if you read in the paper that this had happened, that the parents knew about it but chose to say nothing and then later the children were abducted or worse?

When my dc used to play out I always emphasised that they must not go anywhere without checking with me. I told them that if I didn’t know where they were then I wouldn’t be able to find them if they couldn’t get home.
They understood this better than if I just said don’t talk to strangers, although they knew that rule too.

Completely agree with this

You would be unreasonable to talk to your neighbours about this.

You got a fright. Your children were missing for a short while, and you found out they were somewhere you never imagined they'd be.

Understandably, your reaction is to try to manage the risk to your children, but talking to these neighbours doesn't actually do that. It makes you feel better, but it doesn't actually reduce the risk to your children.

Here's why:

1. They ignore you and continue to invite your children into their home. Risk isn't reduced.
2. They listen to you, see your logic and stop inviting your children into their home. If they do this, they were most likely not a risk to your children, and so there was no risk to reduce.
3. You haven't chatted to any of your other neighbours, and by focussing your attention on one set of neighbours, you are paying less attention to the behaviour of your other neighbours around your children. The risk to your children is increased whilst you focus your energies on the perceived 'baddie'.

The only way you can effectively minimise the risk to your children is by focussing on what you can control:

1. Are your children allowed out unsupervised?
2. How long can they be out alone?
3. How far can they go?
4. How often must they check in?
5. Understanding the group dynamic - a sensible 8 year old and a sensible 9 year old does not mean they'll be a sensible pair

These are things within your control that will work to keep your kids safe, rather than focussing on something external and creating an illusion of control.

Definitely have a chat with the neighbours. On the pretense you like cats and want to meet it too.
Check them out. Let your instinct guide you on whether they pose a risk to your children.

And no they should NOT have invited in your children.
Life lesson for your children with no harm done.

At my primary school in about Y2 we had the chat about stranger danger from the Police. During break time later that day, a man came onto the school yard and made up some story about needing help with something (80s so before schools were all secure like they are now - anyone could just walk onto the yard). Several enthusiastic 7 year olds followed him.

It was of course an actor and was part of the stranger danger training but it was very effective in making me realise how easily you can be duped by a good story, even when you have just been reminded! The experience really made an impression on me. Hopefully the OPs children can learn something similar from their experience

1. They decide your child is too high risk to groom without drawing parental attention.

I would honestly laugh at you turning up at my door and chastising me. I would be 100% ok being asked not to invite them in again as it might send the wrong message

Can you detect a paedophile by instinct though? I don't think you reliably can. I would take the fact that children were invited in as a big warning sign.

You know perfectly well I don't mean just this couple.

If you put the absolute fear of god into kids, then you will make them scared of everyone and everything. A bit of perspective usually helps.

Also being rude to these people is totally and utterly unnecessary.

No! This is how child abusers get away with it. Because people are too scared of accidentally offending upstanding members of the community/ kindly old couples/ the best coach around. Obviously OK shouldn’t go and accuse the couple of anything, but she absolutely should go and explain her children are not allowed to go into neighbours houses without her prescence or say so and she’d appreciate it if they would respect that boundary. If they are actually people who care about children they will understand. If they are predators they will back off. And if they just get offended then who cares? Child safeguarding is more important than pleasing everyone else.

I mean if their plan was to entice kids into their house with their cat, it seems along game to let the car wander outside and then hope young kids "take the bait" and cone knocking at the door to return it.

Even those of us childless fools would probably never dream of going up to a cult in the streets and inviting them back home to see our pets. But a kid knocking on our door to return a pet is a completely different scenario and if they ask to come in briefly to say goodbye or whatever you'd think nothing of it. If a parent then accused me of all sorts, I'd accuse them of letting their kids roam free and, of course, the I goodness it was my house they came to and not sone actual pervert.

Of course they aren't.

I don't think the couple should have invited them in. But I don't think your children should be wandering the streets picking up random stray cats. And knocking on doors

I was talking about approaching the couple not the kids.

You don't need to be polite to people who behave inappropriately towards your children and put them at risk.

What an utterly preposterous suggestion. I do hope you are trying to be facetious.

This is a great response 🙂

It is strange that they'd invite young children into their home. I'd definitely have a word.
Also a bit concerning that your children were confident enough to go in.
Words all round I think .

your children are too young to be allowed out of your sight or of adult supervision.
you are expecting a level of judgement that they are just not capable of.
your own judgement is a bit off to have allowed this, and then shouted at them for being young children, and behaving like young children.
it is not a matter of trust.
please keep them closer.

I would absolutely be polite about it. No excuse for being rude. You don't need to go round throwing your weight about to put a point across. It's crass that you think rudeness is appropriate here. I'd be taking the line of the person who said they'd apologise if their kids had been a nuisance.

How did this couple "put them at risk"?? The kids showed up at their door. They didn't go haul them in off the street. It is massively less likely that they mean the children any harm than that they do. However, the KIDS are the ones who need to learn a lesson from this, that you don't just go into anyone's house on a whim, especially when you don't know them.

If they aren't used to children, chances are they don't want them in their home, and were being mannerly to the kids.

This is the problem isn't it?
Too many people believe that firstly - adults have a right to behave as they like and secondly - you must be polite and not make a fuss or a scene.

The emphasis is all on children taking responsibility for avoiding predators. Not on adults behaving appropriately themselves and challenging other adults that behave inappropriately.

So many responses saying the couple must have just been being nice, the rude little children probably invited themselves in, nothing happened the first time so they must have good intentions, it would be rude to confront them.