To think this is surely enough to live on or are we being stingy parents?!

[iopg]

Our DS is often asking us for money. Last year he was promoted and earns 65k. He does have student loan repayments taken out of that and his mortgage is 1k a month. We know these details as we provided the deposit on the house last year.

He often says he’s struggling for money or he can’t afford a meal out etc, but doesn’t directly ask us for money. It’s making us feel uncomfortable as we don’t want him to struggle but also we are not hugely wealthy. We gave him 50k last year as a house deposit and thought that would set him up. He’s 28 and had saved 20k himself but that went on legal fees and towards the deposit, moving costs etc. He has no debts.

What would you think in this scenario? On the online calendar 65k seems a lot even after a 1k mortgage, which we do appreciate is huge.

Someone on 65K with student loans and a pension is taking home closer to £3200 than £4000. I take home £3200ish.

Mortgage = £1100
Service charge = £180
Bills inc food = £600ish (I have a health condition and need to eat well)
Travel to work = £200ish
Average monthly prescription cost = £20ish
Phone = £10 (bought cheap handset outright)

That's already £2110 just for pretty much bare minimum monthly essentials to survive.

Netflix, Amazon Prime and Spotify (basically my entertainment because I rarely go out) = £30ish
Gym membership = £50ish
Toiletries/skincare (inc toothpaste, mouthwash, lip balm, hand cream, shower gel, tretinoin, moisturiser, sunscreen) = £30ish

My non-essential recurring costs total about £110, which I don't think anyone could argue isn't ridiculously low.

That's a total of £2220ish, leaving me with £980ish a month. That goes into:

Emergency fund savings = £500
Holiday savings = £300
Misc expenses (going out, very occasional drinks with colleagues, unexpected costs, gifts, haircuts, dental work, travel to see family etc.) = £180ish, so just under £50ish a week. One single train ticket to see family can be £100 return. I just spent £250, so well over my monthly budget, on a nightguard for grinding from the dentist.

Is any of this decadent to you? Because it certainly isn't to me. I have to think about money constantly. The idea that I could afford a drug habit on this salary is hysterical. The only remotely decadent thing I do is go on holiday, and considering I don't have kids, I don't think I spend that much on it.

is he on his own?
can you offer to do some DIY?

Next time he says he can't afford blinds/chairs/towels just agree and say "No, they're flipping pricey aren't they? You'll get there in the end son"
Don't fund him any more

Nobody needs to pay £20 per month for NHS prescriptions. That's what prepayment certificates are for.

On £65k, single, £1k per month mortgage? He’s more than got enough to live very comfortably on, unless he’s got a mountain of debt you don’t know about.

But you haven't said you're asking others for handouts, so surely you've just proved to @iopg that it is possible to live (even well, given you have the luxury of saving 800 a month) on that amount!

You and your husband have done more than enough for him, any spare cash you have should be going towards your retirement / savings / enjoying your own life
He needs to fend for himself now, he has more than most do at his age and should consider himself lucky.

I have a health condition and eat very well. I spend about that feeding a family of 4!

Agree with your husband, absolutely not.

He appears singularly ungrateful for all that he has been given.

Oh and electric blinds are not a necessity.🙄

I would be seriously unimpressed.

he needs to learn how to budget
ridiculous priority for an electric blind!

I would want to see where he is spending his money before even considering giving him any more. For all you know you are funding a drink or drugs habit.

I don't spend £600 on food. I spend £600 on ALL my bills, including council tax, gas, water, and electricity. My council tax alone is about £110 a month, with the single person discount.

Yeah applesarenttheonlyfruit being able to save £800 a ninety is pretty decadent these days!

But what exactly is the son's situation here?

Is he actually asking for handouts? Or is he saying he's skint? These two things are not the same.

I say I'm skint when invited to do things, because I am. I don't consider my emergency savings a luxury, when I'm a solo homeowner. One boiler breakdown or roof leak could devastate me. When I say I can't afford to go out for a meal, I mean it. I can't afford to do that AND save. My coupled up friends can comfortably do both.

I agree he shouldn't be asking his parents for money, but casually mentioning he's broke with no expectation of help is different.

It really isn't. I'd say children cost way more than that. Is it decadent to have children and leave yourself no margin for error? Have to beg others for help if a boiler breaks or your roof leaks? Have your children living in a freezing house with no hot water? Go without dinners if your child is begging to go on a school trip for a weekend or they need a new school blazer?

You made your choice, I made mine. You just, somehow, feel more virtuous in making yours, even though it's arguably far less responsible.

So your son not only doesn’t want to spend and save his own (ample!) money, but he also doesn’t want to expend any physical energy opening and closing his own blinds?!?!

You sound lovely, OP, but you’ve clearly spoilt him. This is a no brainer. Do not give him another penny unless it’s to prevent homelessness and food bank use. He is completely rinsing you. He has no idea of the value of money, and he’s a tightwad.

He earns loads. And also now owns his own house. He has won life’s lottery already.

Hilariously classic mumsnet that one considers £600 a month on food, £80 in gym membership and subscriptions, £300 into a holiday fund and £500 into savings as “essential” out goings 🤣🤣🤣🤣
(and I say that as someone in a similar financial position apart your management company seem to be screwing you for fees)

I am shocked by his cheek to be honest. He isn't asking for an essential he's asking for a luxury, and he isn't asking because he can't afford it, he's asking because he doesn't want to spend his own money on something boring so will spend yours instead. I'd be so upset if my kids are like this as adults, especially after a 50k very generous gift.
Definitely say no from now on.

Indeed, if you are to go by mumsnet.com all under 40s are living in poverty and all those above 40 have unlimited funds and should be handing those funds to their offspring.

Perhaps you need a bit of remedial help with your reading comprehension?

£600 a month is ALL BILLS. Council tax, electricity, water, gas and food.

I also put gym membership, subscriptions, emergency savings and holiday funds in a category helpful labelled NON essential.

Hope that helps.

He really needs to cut his cloth. I bet you wouldn’t be buying electric blinds as they cost so much so why do you feel the need to give your son the money for them?

There are loads of things I want but I know they’re beyond my reach or I would rather spend my money on other things.

@LaydeeDi you are the lone voice of dissension on this thread. No one agrees with you, no one believes money is tight for you. A lot of us live in London. Fact is this man's mortgage is £1000 per month. It's only that low (and it is low for London) because his parents gave him £50,000. Don't go arguing that you, or he, cannot afford a few treats on your single person incomes. You are making yourself look completely ignorant about the real world and rather silly.

@LaydeeDi

You’re hilarious! Classic Mumsnet territory.

Yes, at least 60% of what you’ve outline here is decadent. Absurdly decadent. You haven’t a clue what most of the rest of the country is subsisting on, and I say that as a solidly middle-to-above-average earning household.

if it works for you then great, enjoy it because you’ve earned it. But please don’t pretend you’re income and lifestyle isn’t incredibly fortunate and WELL ABOVE the experience of even the most comfortable middling earners.

Try getting up north from wherever you are about more (I would bet my house you live in London or somewhere south of the M25…)

I don't really understand your point to be honest. You've basically proved what everyone else is saying. Even with an extortionate food bill and other luxuries you still have £800 left to put into savings. That is a LOT of spare cash and could easily fund a drug habit if you would so choose.

If you read op's posts he absolutely has asked for handouts, as well as saying he can't afford things so indirectly asking.
And I'm afraid I disagree with you on the savings front. Also have to save for unforeseen events but even on a similar income to you it's not possible to save anywhere near that amount, so I do view yours as a luxury. Our holiday this year cost less than 2 months of your savings!