Page 10 | To think this is surely enough to live on or are we being stingy parents?!

iopg · 2023-09-06T17:26:19+00:00

Our DS is often asking us for money. Last year he was promoted and earns 65k. He does have student loan repayments taken out of that and his mortgage is 1k a month. We know these details as we provided the deposit on the house last year. He often says he’s struggling for money or he can’t afford a meal out etc, but doesn’t directly ask us for money. It’s making us feel uncomfortable as we don’t want him to struggle but also we are not hugely wealthy. We gave him 50k last year as a house deposit and thought that would set him up. He’s 28 and had saved 20k himself but that went on legal fees and towards the deposit, moving costs etc. He has no debts. What would you think in this scenario? On the online calendar 65k seems a lot even after a 1k mortgage, which we do appreciate is huge.

caringcarer · 06/09/2023 21:37

Your DC just needs to budget carefully. I'd pay if he was eating out with you but really he should have plenty to manage. I've recently given my youngest DS £55k and paid his solicitors fees so he can buy a 2 bedroom terraced house. He earns a lot less than your son but is good at budgeting and is managing to pay his bills by cutting down how often he goes out. If he wants to have a little whinge about the cost of things just agree with him and say things are going up for all of us.

Plantsarelife · 06/09/2023 21:38

Sorry to say, but he’s treating you like his cash cow. He’s a grown adult man with a VERY healthy income in the grand scheme of things as a singleton. For context: I’m a lone parent and I earn a THIRD of what your son earns and although it’s a struggle sometimes, I’d never dream of sponging off my parents. Time to cut off the apron strings and stop enabling him and encourage some independence.

VestaTilley · 06/09/2023 21:45

Student loans are not a big deal, just a few hundred a month that goes out before the pay hits his account. You gave him £50k!! That’s more than enough. No more.

If he’s struggling I’d suspect debt you don’t know about, trying to keep up with richer friends or (sorry OP) maybe a secret coke habit. He’s a grown man on £65k! With no children!

Absolutely no more bar ordinary Christmas or birthday presents. If he’ll agree to it sit him down and get him to make a budget, check his outgoings and help him switch providers to get cheaper bills. Tell him to cancel gym membership and have fewer holidays. But no more from you.

PinkyFlamingo · 06/09/2023 21:46

He earns that amount and you worry you are stingy? Seriously???

Olika · 06/09/2023 21:53

He needs to learn to manage his money better.

Naunet · 06/09/2023 21:56

LaydeeDi · 06/09/2023 21:03

Someone on 65K with student loans and a pension is taking home closer to £3200 than £4000. I take home £3200ish.

Mortgage = £1100
Service charge = £180
Bills inc food = £600ish (I have a health condition and need to eat well)
Travel to work = £200ish
Average monthly prescription cost = £20ish
Phone = £10 (bought cheap handset outright)

That's already £2110 just for pretty much bare minimum monthly essentials to survive.

Netflix, Amazon Prime and Spotify (basically my entertainment because I rarely go out) = £30ish
Gym membership = £50ish
Toiletries/skincare (inc toothpaste, mouthwash, lip balm, hand cream, shower gel, tretinoin, moisturiser, sunscreen) = £30ish

My non-essential recurring costs total about £110, which I don't think anyone could argue isn't ridiculously low.

That's a total of £2220ish, leaving me with £980ish a month. That goes into:

Emergency fund savings = £500
Holiday savings = £300
Misc expenses (going out, very occasional drinks with colleagues, unexpected costs, gifts, haircuts, dental work, travel to see family etc.) = £180ish, so just under £50ish a week. One single train ticket to see family can be £100 return. I just spent £250, so well over my monthly budget, on a nightguard for grinding from the dentist.

Is any of this decadent to you? Because it certainly isn't to me. I have to think about money constantly. The idea that I could afford a drug habit on this salary is hysterical. The only remotely decadent thing I do is go on holiday, and considering I don't have kids, I don't think I spend that much on it.

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😱 I was about to send my monthly charity payment off to the elderly who can’t afford to heat their house’s, but fuck that, send me your PayPal!

LaydeeDi · 06/09/2023 22:02

MelroseGrainger · 06/09/2023 21:33

@LaydeeDi

You’re hilarious! Classic Mumsnet territory.

Yes, at least 60% of what you’ve outline here is decadent. Absurdly decadent. You haven’t a clue what most of the rest of the country is subsisting on, and I say that as a solidly middle-to-above-average earning household.

if it works for you then great, enjoy it because you’ve earned it. But please don’t pretend you’re income and lifestyle isn’t incredibly fortunate and WELL ABOVE the experience of even the most comfortable middling earners.

Try getting up north from wherever you are about more (I would bet my house you live in London or somewhere south of the M25…)

Edited

Yes, I do live in London, which is why my outgoings are so high!!!!

How is this hard to understand when it's the ENTIRE POINT?

LaydeeDi · 06/09/2023 22:03

ENTIRE POINT?

LaydeeDi · 06/09/2023 22:04

Naunet · 06/09/2023 21:56

😱 I was about to send my monthly charity payment off to the elderly who can’t afford to heat their house’s, but fuck that, send me your PayPal!

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What's the challenge here?

I've literally said about five times now that I don't need or ask for help. I'm saying that it's perfectly possible to be on that salary and not be spending all your money on coke and hookers.

Reading comprehension isn't anyone's forte around here, is it?

HerMammy · 06/09/2023 22:04

@LaydeeDi
You can afford to save £800pm, that's not in the 'having to think about money all the time' category in any way whatsoever.
Deciding to put your last £10 in the electric meter or buy food for you and the kids or just the kids, IS in that category.

Zanatdy · 06/09/2023 22:06

I’m on 62k and my rent is £1300 and I have 2 teens and a dog (one at Uni). I am not struggling, I can save - so if he is then he’s over spending

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 06/09/2023 22:07

LaydeeDi · 06/09/2023 21:16

I don't spend £600 on food. I spend £600 on ALL my bills, including council tax, gas, water, and electricity. My council tax alone is about £110 a month, with the single person discount.

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Apologies, I misread.

LaydeeDi · 06/09/2023 22:11

Ilinaya · 06/09/2023 21:34

I don't really understand your point to be honest. You've basically proved what everyone else is saying. Even with an extortionate food bill and other luxuries you still have £800 left to put into savings. That is a LOT of spare cash and could easily fund a drug habit if you would so choose.

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The point is that I do practically NOTHING in my spare time! Do you think that's normal for a single person in London? If I even went out on one date a week, if I ever went to the cinema or bought new clothes (I have £0 for clothes in my budget) or went to the hairdresser for colour or did anything other than just exist, most of that disposable income would be gone. I'm not complaining about that - I am choosing to put money into savings and holidays - but that's a fact.

You think £200 a week in London is enough to fund a drug habit? You don't think it's far more likely he'd be spending it on work lunches (easily £50 a week just for a basic takeout from Wasabi or Pret and a coffee or two a day) or dinners out or dating or the odd event or show and the occasional Uber? Even after-work drinks and a meal could easily be the best part of £100. One single G&T is nearly a tenner in central London now.

People saying he must have a coke habit to spend that much come across as unhinged, tbh.

gillygeey · 06/09/2023 22:11

I normally am the first to say X doesn't go far. But he has no dc, a good salary & affordable mortgage. What's he doing with it?

gillygeey · 06/09/2023 22:11

Stop helping him so he learns to budget

gillygeey · 06/09/2023 22:13

yes he has student loans so I do feel bad we haven’t helped with those as I know they are a big thing. We thought house deposit was more important.

It is

LaydeeDi · 06/09/2023 22:13

HerMammy · 06/09/2023 22:04

@LaydeeDi
You can afford to save £800pm, that's not in the 'having to think about money all the time' category in any way whatsoever.
Deciding to put your last £10 in the electric meter or buy food for you and the kids or just the kids, IS in that category.

So maybe you shouldn't have had kids you couldn't afford?

Yes, I'm aware that most people can't save this much, but I made the sacrifice of not having kids. You didn't, did you? Why do you choose to make such an expensive life choice? How much could you save if you didn't have kids?

SaltyCrisps · 06/09/2023 22:14

😳 £65k is a fortune for a young person to be earning! It's bizarre that he asks you to pay for 'essentials' or anything else! I think you need to firmly tell him no, and not to ask you for money again 😳

Naunet · 06/09/2023 22:14

LaydeeDi · 06/09/2023 22:11

The point is that I do practically NOTHING in my spare time! Do you think that's normal for a single person in London? If I even went out on one date a week, if I ever went to the cinema or bought new clothes (I have £0 for clothes in my budget) or went to the hairdresser for colour or did anything other than just exist, most of that disposable income would be gone. I'm not complaining about that - I am choosing to put money into savings and holidays - but that's a fact.

You think £200 a week in London is enough to fund a drug habit? You don't think it's far more likely he'd be spending it on work lunches (easily £50 a week just for a basic takeout from Wasabi or Pret and a coffee or two a day) or dinners out or dating or the odd event or show and the occasional Uber? Even after-work drinks and a meal could easily be the best part of £100. One single G&T is nearly a tenner in central London now.

People saying he must have a coke habit to spend that much come across as unhinged, tbh.

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Do you think you’re the only person to live in London? There in no law that you have to go out in central and you don’t have money to go out because you CHOOSE to save £800 a month. You’re very lucky that you have that choice.

LaydeeDi · 06/09/2023 22:15

PinkyFlamingo · 06/09/2023 21:46

He earns that amount and you worry you are stingy? Seriously???

The issue isn't what he earns, it's that he's asking his elderly parents for help. Even if he were on 25K, that wouldn't be reasonable.

Asking parents for help and not being able to afford much on his salary, with his lifestyle, are two separate issues, but apparently I'm the only one to see it.

PortalooSunset · 06/09/2023 22:16

@LaydeeDi are you the son?!

You're coming across as awfully bitter.

LaydeeDi · 06/09/2023 22:16

Naunet · 06/09/2023 22:14

Do you think you’re the only person to live in London? There in no law that you have to go out in central and you don’t have money to go out because you CHOOSE to save £800 a month. You’re very lucky that you have that choice.

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But you could say that about anything, couldn't you? If I had a child, I'd be spending far more than £800 a month on childcare so I could work.

TomatoSandwiches · 06/09/2023 22:18

@LaydeeDi literally no one here feels you and ops son are hard done by, no one!

Shortbread49 · 06/09/2023 22:18

We earn less then that between us and have 2 children why on earth are you giving him any money ?

Naunet · 06/09/2023 22:19

LaydeeDi · 06/09/2023 22:16

But you could say that about anything, couldn't you? If I had a child, I'd be spending far more than £800 a month on childcare so I could work.

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Yes you would, but seeing as this man doesn’t have children, that’s irrelevant. You have made choices that money gave you the luxury to be able to make, as has he. If he’s saving as much as you a month, he can easily afford his own bloody electric blinds - it’s the sort of stuff his savings should be for.