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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is surely enough to live on or are we being stingy parents?!

577 replies

iopg · 06/09/2023 18:26

Our DS is often asking us for money. Last year he was promoted and earns 65k. He does have student loan repayments taken out of that and his mortgage is 1k a month. We know these details as we provided the deposit on the house last year.

He often says he’s struggling for money or he can’t afford a meal out etc, but doesn’t directly ask us for money. It’s making us feel uncomfortable as we don’t want him to struggle but also we are not hugely wealthy. We gave him 50k last year as a house deposit and thought that would set him up. He’s 28 and had saved 20k himself but that went on legal fees and towards the deposit, moving costs etc. He has no debts.

What would you think in this scenario? On the online calendar 65k seems a lot even after a 1k mortgage, which we do appreciate is huge.

OP posts:
DuesToTheDirt · 06/09/2023 20:35

F*ing hell. He earns 65k at age 28, no family responsiblities, and he's struggling? Hmm No, I wouldn't give him anything.

DuesToTheDirt · 06/09/2023 20:37

iopg · 06/09/2023 20:23

This seems unanimous! I feel much less bad about saying no. DH says even if they were ten quid we should say no! (He wanted electric ones which is why there were so much)

Electric blinds? Now I've heard everything.

ReginaRegina · 06/09/2023 20:38

He's taking the piss. If he can't get by on £65k in his 20s he needs to learn to manage his finances. Plenty of people support a family on that wage.

LaydeeDi · 06/09/2023 20:40

Chippy4me · 06/09/2023 20:09

You're certainly not paying a £1000 a month mortgage on that though, are you?

@LaydeeDi

Of course not because I couldn’t afford it.

If he can’t afford it then he also needs to get somewhere cheaper and live within his means.

My rent is £600 a month though (cheapest rent I could find and don’t earn enough for a mortgage) and so on 3x my wage he should be able to afford a mortgage that is 2x my rent, especially when I have 2 people to feed, clothe, use utilities etc and he only has 1.

Maybe he can't? I got the cheapest place I could, somewhere I need to live to do my job.

There are two separate issues here - one is that he's struggling and the other is that he's (apparently?) asking his parents for help.

I don't think it's abnormal to struggle on 65K in or around London as a single person. The people talking about "we" are forgetting how much of a tax benefit there is in being a couple each earning less. If I were earning 35K and a partner 30K, we'd be better off. There's also a psychological aspect to being all on your own. People are saying it's my choice to save, but it isn't really a choice, because I'd be up shit creek without a paddle if I had an unexpected expense like my boiler going. Not just financially, but the mental load would be completely on me.

It is abnormal to ask your parents for help on 65K. As it happens, I also need blinds, and I'm not getting them yet or doing any other work to my flat until I've built up my emergency fund. I also am prioritising a holiday, and that's my choice, for my mental health. I wouldn't ask anyone to help. So this is the real issue.

For anyone asking how it's possible to struggle on 65K unless you're a cokehead, it's really not that much money if you live alone in London and aren't eligible for any help (benefits etc.). It's really not. It's September and the last time I went out socially was for my birthday in early June.

GertrudeJekyllRose · 06/09/2023 20:42

Blinds are not an essential item. If necessary he could rig up a temporary cheap window covering until he saves enough money

UpaladderwatchingTV · 06/09/2023 20:42

SleepingStandingUp · 06/09/2023 18:36

Just,no.

Tell him you're concerned on his great wage that he's struggling so much financially and does he need to talk to you about any problems he's having - is he under pressure from his mates to maintain a certain lifestyle or go to Casinos etc. Ask him if he wants you to help him go through his budget because he shouldn't be finding things this hard, and you want to help but you can't afford for it to be financial after the 50k you've given him.

He's on a damn good wage. He should be treating you, not sponging off his near retirement? retired? parents.

So unattractive

Show quote history

Totally agree with this OP.

susan123graeme · 06/09/2023 20:43

Wow - how will our planet survive ...

ballstomonty · 06/09/2023 20:45

From the title I thought this was going to be about a uni student! Not a man in his late 20s with a very good salary and his own house!🙄

Pleasegodgotosleep · 06/09/2023 20:45

I'd be very worried that he has a gambling/drug problem if he's going through money at that rate. Or he's just spending your money instead of his own!

Springingintosummer · 06/09/2023 20:46

Learning to save and wait night be a useful skill for your DS. If he cannot afford it, then he cannot have it. You need to make sure you have enough for yourself, so you can enjoy your life.

Perhaps give him a budget for Christmas and Birthday gifts and if he wishes to use that gift for blinds say for one room, or one meal out - that is his choice.

Greyfoot · 06/09/2023 20:46

iopg · 06/09/2023 20:23

This seems unanimous! I feel much less bad about saying no. DH says even if they were ten quid we should say no! (He wanted electric ones which is why there were so much)

[Shock] why on earth did you say yes to that?

Hbh17 · 06/09/2023 20:46

Tell him to grow up and absolutely don't give him any more money - he is taking you for fools! What happened to using second hand stuff in a first house? We all did that!

Loadedbydeath · 06/09/2023 20:47

Hbh17 · 06/09/2023 20:46

Tell him to grow up and absolutely don't give him any more money - he is taking you for fools! What happened to using second hand stuff in a first house? We all did that!

I still have virtually all secondhand furniture and I'm well over 50...

Kellogg1 · 06/09/2023 20:49

Is it a case of he wants things now but can’t afford it straight away but should instead save some money and then make purchases?

If so he needs to learn that you live within your means and if you would like to buy something you save your money up to buy it. You don’t need things right now. You work towards things.

For example … If he doesn’t like having no blinds he can buy some cheap curtains to get him through until he can afford the blinds Then replace them.

SnowWhiteAndTheTwoKids · 06/09/2023 20:49

Is he gambling or buying expensive party drugs?

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 06/09/2023 20:49

I’m sure he does want electric blinds with YOUR money. Cheeky shite. He won’t buy them with his own, I’d put my money on that!

MargotBamborough · 06/09/2023 20:49

He's 28, on £65k a year, you already gave him a house deposit and he's hinting that he doesn't have enough to live on?

Oh dear, OP.

You appear to have raised a cheeky fucker.

ManchesterLu · 06/09/2023 20:51

He should be fine. If he isn't, it's because he's choosing not to live within his means. Many, many people live on much less than that.

BarbaraofSeville · 06/09/2023 20:51

LaydeeDi · 06/09/2023 20:40

Maybe he can't? I got the cheapest place I could, somewhere I need to live to do my job.

There are two separate issues here - one is that he's struggling and the other is that he's (apparently?) asking his parents for help.

I don't think it's abnormal to struggle on 65K in or around London as a single person. The people talking about "we" are forgetting how much of a tax benefit there is in being a couple each earning less. If I were earning 35K and a partner 30K, we'd be better off. There's also a psychological aspect to being all on your own. People are saying it's my choice to save, but it isn't really a choice, because I'd be up shit creek without a paddle if I had an unexpected expense like my boiler going. Not just financially, but the mental load would be completely on me.

It is abnormal to ask your parents for help on 65K. As it happens, I also need blinds, and I'm not getting them yet or doing any other work to my flat until I've built up my emergency fund. I also am prioritising a holiday, and that's my choice, for my mental health. I wouldn't ask anyone to help. So this is the real issue.

For anyone asking how it's possible to struggle on 65K unless you're a cokehead, it's really not that much money if you live alone in London and aren't eligible for any help (benefits etc.). It's really not. It's September and the last time I went out socially was for my birthday in early June.

Show quote history

He takes home around £3500 pm
His mortgage is £1000 pm

How is the leftover £2500 'really not that much money' to pay bills and feed, clothe, transport and entertain one 28 YO man each month?

If he can't find £50 to go out for a meal out of all that money, then it's a budgeting issue, not a 'struggling' issue.

AMuser · 06/09/2023 20:52

He really really needs a kick up the arse. You have done him no favours handing him so much on a platter.

Tell him Dunelm sell concertina paper blinds for a few quid until he has enough money for what he should have budgeted for when he decided to buy the house (you helped him buy).

Boo hoo on the student loans. They are presumably what helps him earn the £65k.

He seems to make things YOUR problem. He’s well well into adulthood. He needs to act like one.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/09/2023 20:53

Bored1000 · 06/09/2023 18:45

The first year after buying a house is expensive as you need to buy so much stuff / furniture etc so it could quite possibly be true that he struggled for the first year if he had no savings.
Is he still in the process of furnishing / doing up the house?….if he is he should be waiting until he has enough of his own cash to do it and live within his means …..eg if you can’t afford to install blinds one month, you air until a few months later when you do have enough cash as at the end of the day you can live fine for a while without blinds etc…..

Not if you can’t afford to or even just don’t want to and unless unliveable, it isn’t essential to do up a house right away. Dh and I borrowed things and were given hand me downs. The former owner left a manky dresser, 2 battered sofa chairs and a bed and we thought ourselves very lucky to have these. We had old towels for window coverings.

Viviennemary · 06/09/2023 20:53

monsteramunch · 06/09/2023 18:29

What would I think? I'd think he's a cheeky shit who is either very entitled, making catastrophic financial decisions or both.

I agree with this. He should manage quite easily on that salary and his mortgage. Most 28 year olds would think themselves very lucky to get what he's already been given and now he wants more. Ridiculous.

drinkuptheezider · 06/09/2023 20:57

So let's get this straight

Adult earning double average wage thinks his parents should cough up cash?

Once I stopped laughing, it would be a hard 'no, jog on!'

More fool the parents to do that.

PickAChew · 06/09/2023 21:01

Whole families live on that sort of income or less and mortgages that size or more.

Not being able to afford a meal out isn't the end of the world and you've already been very generous with the deposit. He needs to learn to budget.

PickAChew · 06/09/2023 21:03

iopg · 06/09/2023 20:23

This seems unanimous! I feel much less bad about saying no. DH says even if they were ten quid we should say no! (He wanted electric ones which is why there were so much)

There wanting and there's needing.