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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is surely enough to live on or are we being stingy parents?!

577 replies

iopg · 06/09/2023 18:26

Our DS is often asking us for money. Last year he was promoted and earns 65k. He does have student loan repayments taken out of that and his mortgage is 1k a month. We know these details as we provided the deposit on the house last year.

He often says he’s struggling for money or he can’t afford a meal out etc, but doesn’t directly ask us for money. It’s making us feel uncomfortable as we don’t want him to struggle but also we are not hugely wealthy. We gave him 50k last year as a house deposit and thought that would set him up. He’s 28 and had saved 20k himself but that went on legal fees and towards the deposit, moving costs etc. He has no debts.

What would you think in this scenario? On the online calendar 65k seems a lot even after a 1k mortgage, which we do appreciate is huge.

OP posts:
CurlsandCurves · 06/09/2023 20:03

Mumof2teens79 · 06/09/2023 19:48

Is he in London?
That's a significant salary for a 28yr old.

If he is struggling then he is living beyond his means...unnecessarily.
He needs to reset his expectations.
Meals out are a luxury
His home doesn't need to be finished/perfect.

When we bought our first house our mortgage was HALF our combined salary and often we lived on supermodels for the last week of the month. We decorated one room at a time. And still had an ancient hand me down sofa when we moved to our second house 5 years later.

My parents will help us out IF we ask, but we only do that in emergencies....like the oven breaking

Totally unrelated, but you lived on supermodels? Wow, how was that? Did you get front row seats at London fashion week?

Sorry, this just tickled me.

But yes, like everyone else has said, he’s on a decent income, he should be doing just fine and you do not deserve to be guilted into helping him.

First home you buy what you can, get second hand to tide you over, save and wait to get things like blinds, kitchen, bathroom etc. You did the same I’d imagine, so why shouldn’t he?

RandomMess · 06/09/2023 20:03

If he has a spare bedroom he needs a lodger.

If he has over stretched himself he needs to go without luxuries rather than you fund them.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 06/09/2023 20:05

Don’t be silly… I earn just over £40k, have two kids and a mortgage and although struggling even if my salary went up to £50k that would be more than enough to live on. Tell him bank of mum and dad is closed. He may just expect to freeload off you seeing as you gave him such a large deposit.

LaydeeDi · 06/09/2023 20:06

fearfuloffluff · 06/09/2023 19:55

This. He's not a banker with a sniffy nose, is he?

Don't give him any more money. He needs to stand on his own two feet. You've been more than generous already.

Show quote history

Where does he live? If it's London, the idea of being able to afford a coke habit while on £65K and paying a mortgage alone is comical. I'm not struggling and I certainly wouldn't be asking anyone for help with money, but on that salary, paying into a pension, paying off a student loan, and putting away some savings for unexpected flat-related costs and a modest holiday, I'm lucky if I can afford a pub trip even once a month.

I'm so stingy that I had an internal battle over whether or not to pay for Netflix once they made it impossible to share accounts with different households. I check my bank statement almost every day. I often walk to the office (an hour and a half) rather than pay for the train. All this to be able to go on holiday twice a year and have an emergency fund.

Coke habit...lol.

ThomasHardyPerennial · 06/09/2023 20:06

£50k is such a huge gift, and he is lucky enough to now own his home. How bloody amazing of you and your DH to gift him that deposit. He has a job - I wouldn't dream of bothering my parents about money ever again, after that huge amount of money. Jeez!

Batalax · 06/09/2023 20:07

I think your dh is right to draw the line now. You’ve helped. He might have to struggle a bit or give up a few luxuries but he’s more than able to live with those out goings.

Or suggest he gets a lodger.

Sewfrickinamazeballs · 06/09/2023 20:08

Is his name Sheridan and are you Hyacinth?

Seriously, tell him to grow up! You are doing him no favours

Chippy4me · 06/09/2023 20:09

You're certainly not paying a £1000 a month mortgage on that though, are you?

@LaydeeDi

Of course not because I couldn’t afford it.

If he can’t afford it then he also needs to get somewhere cheaper and live within his means.

My rent is £600 a month though (cheapest rent I could find and don’t earn enough for a mortgage) and so on 3x my wage he should be able to afford a mortgage that is 2x my rent, especially when I have 2 people to feed, clothe, use utilities etc and he only has 1.

Iloveacurry · 06/09/2023 20:12

His take home monthly is about £3800. What is he doing with it?

Haze193 · 06/09/2023 20:13

I Wonder whether he has any “secret” debts or spending money on silly things like fancy meals. I am around your sons and earn half of what he earns. My partner earns slightly less than me. We pay £1000 in rent, nearly £200 on council tax. I also have to undergraduate and post graduate student loans and make a pension contribution monthly.
I’m not even including what we spend on utilities or grocery shopping but we manage because we budget. We cook at home nearly everyday which makes a big difference. I would be ever so grateful to my parents if they gave a me £50,000 in deposit- will be embarrassed to ask for more! It would be interesting to know what he is actually spending on. Would he open to reviewing his monthly expenditure with you and your husband?

randomusernam · 06/09/2023 20:13

Between my husband and I we earn less than 45k we have a mortgage of £900pm and 2 kids. We also pay for nursery fees of £400pm. I can't understand how a single person could be struggling on 65k. He takes home almost 4K pm take off 1k for mortgage that still leaves him with 3 to play with. Bills can't with food can't be more than £500-£600. So where is the rest going?

Islandofmisadventure · 06/09/2023 20:14

monsteramunch · 06/09/2023 18:29

What would I think? I'd think he's a cheeky shit who is either very entitled, making catastrophic financial decisions or both.

This ^^

I earn a small amount more than your son but am a single parent to two, have a larger mortgage and still manage to have meals out, holidays, treats, spend money on my house etc. I’m not saying it’s easy, I need to budget but it definitely sounds like he is taking the £&@& or there are (recent?) debts which you aren’t aware of.

Yalta · 06/09/2023 20:15

Can i ask iopg are you and your dh practical in the sense of it wouldn’t cross your mind to even consider getting someone in to fit a blind. Do you check the comparison sites when your house/car insurance/energy company/or telephone contracts come up for renewal.

Do you use cash back sites and shop around for things.

If you don’t then you need to and you need to teach your ds how to use them. And if you do then you need to direct your ds in that direction

When I was younger there wasn’t YouTube so putting up a blind could go very wrong if you didn’t have a handyman in the family to come in and do it for you. Or you had to pay someone to do it and that cost money you didn’t have.

Now you can watch a range of videos and people will talk you through and show you how to do things and if you don’t get it the first time you can rewind and watch it again

susan123graeme · 06/09/2023 20:15

No and then No - get a grip - be firm - adults can pay their way

orangegato · 06/09/2023 20:15

What a greedy little shit. Maybe because you’ve pandered to him all his life that he can’t stop taking the piss? I’m flabbergasted you allow it.

Naunet · 06/09/2023 20:19

Time to cut the apron strings OP and let him stand on his own two feet. Every single adult needs to learn to do that at some point and he has a very, very fortunate position to start from.

Plumful · 06/09/2023 20:20

What an entitled shit.

Original poster
iopg · 06/09/2023 20:23

This seems unanimous! I feel much less bad about saying no. DH says even if they were ten quid we should say no! (He wanted electric ones which is why there were so much)

OP posts:
Mumwithbaggage · 06/09/2023 20:24

My 26yo ds bought a house with his gf last year - no help from bank of mum and dad. They work hard, saved hard and have enough hoidays. DD1 and her bf (both 29) also bought a house wothout help from us - they earn well but have plenty of money for savings, investments, house improvements and fun.

Your son should be able to manage on his salary.

Mumwithbaggage · 06/09/2023 20:26

Electric blinds?? OK if he can afford them. I'd do anything for my kids but I do feel he's milking you.

DoubleChocolateBrownies · 06/09/2023 20:27

Huh? Money from his parents?? He’s 28 and on 65k! And 1k mortgage payments are standard for people our age

TomatoSandwiches · 06/09/2023 20:28

iopg · 06/09/2023 20:23

This seems unanimous! I feel much less bad about saying no. DH says even if they were ten quid we should say no! (He wanted electric ones which is why there were so much)

I bet he does want the electric ones, he can save up for them like every other homeowner does or cut his cloth for cheaper ones.
He is being very ungrateful imo.

Totalwasteofpaper · 06/09/2023 20:31

when i was single and earning that much i delighted in treating my lovely mum and taking her out as i could finally afford to. Memorably i took her to belgium for mothers dayy it was SO lovely.

My Dh earns 5k more so fairly on par post tax (he and and i contribute 50/50 to household income)

His salary covers:
his student loan
£1.2k mortgage
£800pm childcare
£800pm bills and food etc

Agree with others that your DS needs to grow the fuck up.

Loadedbydeath · 06/09/2023 20:33

VisionsOfSplendour · 06/09/2023 18:53

No one can be is naive as to think a single person can't survive on a salary greater than the combined household income of abosolutely loads of families

Are you really that out of touch surely, that's ridiculous

Tell him to learn to budget

Well we're constantly being told how poor this generation is, and how loaded and mean and judgemental their parents and GPs are, so...