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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is surely enough to live on or are we being stingy parents?!

577 replies

iopg · 06/09/2023 18:26

Our DS is often asking us for money. Last year he was promoted and earns 65k. He does have student loan repayments taken out of that and his mortgage is 1k a month. We know these details as we provided the deposit on the house last year.

He often says he’s struggling for money or he can’t afford a meal out etc, but doesn’t directly ask us for money. It’s making us feel uncomfortable as we don’t want him to struggle but also we are not hugely wealthy. We gave him 50k last year as a house deposit and thought that would set him up. He’s 28 and had saved 20k himself but that went on legal fees and towards the deposit, moving costs etc. He has no debts.

What would you think in this scenario? On the online calendar 65k seems a lot even after a 1k mortgage, which we do appreciate is huge.

OP posts:
LaydeeDi · 08/09/2023 22:48

Yalta · 08/09/2023 14:01

  • LaydeeDi. Yesterday 11:24

Yalta · Yesterday 10:11

I live in London. Yes it is expensive re housing costs but there are lots of stuff which isn’t or the same price.

I moved back to London about 25 years ago and despite having a bigger and more expensive house my bills actually reduced. Even my council tax/rates reduced by £50 per month.

I do think people get wrapped up in the salary they earn, thinking they can buy whatever they want because they are on a big salary and work hard so deserve blinds that work by motor as opposed to pulling a cord. They deserve the Uber fare as opposed to swiping your Oyster card or walking home.

The reality is salaries are finite and £65k once you make the deductions for mortgage, student loan, tax, NI and bills there is a set amount left. If you fritter that amount on crap or things that weren’t necessary then when you actually want something you can’t have it without taking on another job and being a bit more savvy with the money you do have*

*But equally, there's loads of entitlement shown by parents who think that somehow children don't count as lifestyle choices.

I can work my arse off and save all year to go to the Maldives, and that's seen as really decadent. Someone else could be working their arse off and spending that same money on their three kids. Why is it only OK to criticise me for "choosing" to spend money on something like a holiday while the person with the kids gets to complain about how hard it is? People don't "deserve" kids any more than OP's sons "deserves" blinds. People make their own choices based on their own priorities.

Nobody should be expecting others to fund their lifestyle*

Apart from the last sentence what has your answer/comments got to do with what I posted

I was saying that people get carried away with earning “large” salaries and take the attitude that it is only £5 here and £15 there on Uber’s and coffees or lunches and don’t realise how much those little things they feel they deserve and feel like they can afford add up.

You replied with children being lifestyle choices when the ds as far as we know doesn’t have children and iopg has an adult son who earns enough to realistically stand on his own 2 feet and with going to the Maldives and something about criticising you for going on holiday

So confused.

What's with the nasty "feel they deserve" comment?

We DO deserve a few nice treats, yes, otherwise what's the bloody point of being alive? We as higher earners already pay in hundreds of pounds a month in tax and NI to support lower earners and other people's children, and now you're begrudging us coffees and takeaways and Netflix and dates? You think I should come home after a long day at work and an hour standing on a packed, sweaty train to come home to my studio flat and just sit and stare at a wall?

You really do see us single childless adults as subhuman, don't you?

StudentNurse3 · 08/09/2023 22:52

He has no family? Just him? On 65k and he can't afford blinds!! What on earth is he spending it on?? He should be treating you after you gave him that massive house deposit!

Doone21 · 08/09/2023 22:53

That's appalling. He's just using you as a top up instead of learning to budget or save. That's twice what many entire families live on and yes that includes a mortgage of similar size.

Mamma2017 · 08/09/2023 23:05

That is a massive salary- and you paid a massive house deposit for him?? Wtf? So young to own a house in this day & age and to be on such a big salary. I can’t believe you feel bad it kinda makes me angry !! He should be helping you out if anything! Cheeky fucker!
sorry I echo others with a suspicion about drugs or gambling things are not adding up.

AlleycatMarie · 08/09/2023 23:15

I was on 50k, paying student loan and £1200 rent, living alone in London with high costs and I managed, so I think he’s fine and needs to learn to budget!

Heretobenosy · 08/09/2023 23:29

Do not feel bad for not helping with student debt. That will be going out of his wage like a tax and he will not be missing it as it was never there in the first place. 65k for one person, even with bills is more than enough. You have helped him get on the property ladder that’s more then most people get. Now it’s time for him to be a grown up and if he needs ‘essentials’ he needs to budget for them and save up.

if he is talking about not being able to afford to socialise etc, maybe that’s because he’s still playing catch up from buying a house. I know that I have plenty of money and could be a lot better at budgeting but love expensive holidays and sometimes a week before pay day I only have enough food and petrol to keep me going so no socialising that week, but that doesn’t mean I’m struggling, it means I’ve spent too much and that’s a choice I make. If he’s saved up 20k it shows he’s able to budget so don’t worry about him. He will work it out.

If it gets to the point he is hinting for money to buy food/pay bills then you need to question where has his wages gone - the cost of living doesn’t account for someone on that wage not be being able to make ends meet

GirlOfTudor · 09/09/2023 00:08

If that was my son, I would be concerned that I hadn't taught him any financial skills if he was struggling on £65,000 per year. That's outrageous. However, it does seem like you've been enabling him by agreeing to give him money. Especially £50,000 to go towards a house deposit?!

MelroseGrainger · 09/09/2023 00:17

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Duechristmas · 09/09/2023 00:22

Our convinced income supporting a family of five is less than that. It very much seems like a him kind of problem.

Duechristmas · 09/09/2023 00:35

combined income

MumApril1990 · 09/09/2023 00:50

I have a 1k mortgage, student loan repayments, earn 50k and my parents have given me exactly £0 since I turned 18. I think it’s insane that you've given him 50k

bruffin · 09/09/2023 01:25

I have a DS 27 earns 47k and has a mortgage as a single person on a 2 bed flat in SE. Mortgage around £650
He inherited 20k but turned it into 60k with savings and investments for his deposit, so i think in the end we may have given him 5k. He has a student loan as well and runs a car.

He seems to manage ok, goes on holiday, eats outs etc

Brightandshining · 09/09/2023 02:15

Hahaha
My husband earns a fraction of that and supported a family of 4, (not any more as i now have a job) including a mortgage and running a car... and we still occasionally ate out
Your son is having a laugh.
65k is a good wage and for a single person it should afford a pretty high quality of life regardless of student loan repayments

LaydeeDi · 09/09/2023 02:34

This reply has been deleted

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MY bitterness? You have to be kidding me??! Post after post after people who chose to have children chastising me for having the audacity to have more disposable income than they do and I'M the bitter one?

Yes, feel free to mock me for being responsible. Hilarious, isn't it, that I'm actually just trying to make sure I have some financial security after growing up in poverty and struggling for years. Once I've got an emergency fund together after buying my home, I hope to have more of a social life. Until then, no, I'm not going to enjoy frittering money on nights out knowing I'd be fucked if something unexpected happened. In my friend group, there are people who in the last year have suddenly been made redundant, got cancer and found themselves unable to work, and had an emergency with the roof of their house needing thousands of pounds of repairs. They all would have been fucked if they hadn't had a savings cushion.

Must be nice to have the support network you do and be so certain nothing unexpected will happen - well done.

Matchinglipsandfingertips · 09/09/2023 02:38

Do not give him another penny. £65k is a fab salary for a 28 year old. He needs to stop being so gready. My 24 year old DS shops at IKEA, Costco and the local charity shop. He earns £50k. He's saving for a house and he pays us rent and buys food. Blinds indeed, he can wait to hilary's sale or go on fleebay. I reupholstered a sofa with my dad's staple gun in our first flat.
Want doesn't get.
I'd be changing my will in favour of the dogs home.

LA9610 · 09/09/2023 02:42

I earn around £65k and have £40k of joint savings with DH at 32 y/o (home owner, have paid for wedding, expensive honeymoon, multiple holidays a year, completely cleared my student debts, have a child) your son most definitely does not need help with his blinds. I’ve been financially independent since 18 and from a single parent household.

Cascais · 09/09/2023 02:47

Do not give him any money

MermaidMummy06 · 09/09/2023 02:56

He's being a CF & seeing how much you'll pay for so he can reserve his money for fun. Offer to teach him to budget to save for the blinds instead.

I've friends like your DS, now in their 40's. They earn very well and travel, expensive hobbies etc., but keep asking ILs for money for anything essential because they know they'll pay. It's increased over the years to epic proportions - all bills, housing, kids fees etc. paid for. They're gifted more than we earn.

Their entitlement has also spread to others. They've taken advantage of us often, putting us out massively, for things they should pay for. Zero thought of how it affects us because they're so incredibly selfish because they're so used to getting everything for free. We've backed away.

User839516 · 09/09/2023 04:04

My husband is on about that (a little bit more but not much) and he pays for me (SAHM) and our three children. Our mortgage is also about £1k a month. Your son is taking the piss out of you.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 09/09/2023 06:07

He keeps asking because you keep giving. Stop pandering to him. You've created a spoilt adult child who thinks not being able to eat out frequently or afford electric blinds merits sympathy and hand outs. You are not doing him any favours and if he does ever have a genuine financial set back he won't have a clue how to cope or adjust. Cut the apron strings and force him to grow up.

Glittertwins · 09/09/2023 06:20

He needs to live within his means and buy things for the house gradually each month. That salary will be roughly £3400 net per month (without student loans) and should easily cover mortgage, bills and food. He can buy a set of blinds per room per month for example. Or put up cheap curtains for the time being instead, live with it for a bit and then decide how to decorate etc

Katela18 · 09/09/2023 06:30

I don't necessarily think he is being a cf. a lot of what you are saying just sounds like he is telling you about his life. I talk to my parents about money and they know our financial situation but I'm not saying it because I want them to help, just because it's part of our lives and I know they understand how it feels.

With him directly asking (ie the blinds) it does sound a bit like he is used to having handouts and not having to wait or save for what he wants. The 50k towards his deposit presumably helped him get his house a lot quicker than if he'd needed to do it himself. Saying no is probably a good way to get him used to saving for what he wants or buying more within his means (normal, non electric blinds are fine!)

TallerThanAverage · 09/09/2023 06:34

Does he not understand the concept of saving for something and that sometimes you have to wait?

JT69 · 09/09/2023 06:35

No more OP. You were incredibly generous to provide the deposit. He needs to stand on his own feet now. And maybe treat you and your DH to a meal out once in a while.

CapEBarra · 09/09/2023 06:44

When he asks/hints/moans again just say, ‘I don’t understand how you’re struggling, son. Shall we sit down with your bank statement and work out where you can make some savings?’ And for what it’s worth, no you shouldn’t keep giving him money for things like blinds. He should be able to afford that himself.