To think this is surely enough to live on or are we being stingy parents?!

[iopg]

Our DS is often asking us for money. Last year he was promoted and earns 65k. He does have student loan repayments taken out of that and his mortgage is 1k a month. We know these details as we provided the deposit on the house last year.

He often says he’s struggling for money or he can’t afford a meal out etc, but doesn’t directly ask us for money. It’s making us feel uncomfortable as we don’t want him to struggle but also we are not hugely wealthy. We gave him 50k last year as a house deposit and thought that would set him up. He’s 28 and had saved 20k himself but that went on legal fees and towards the deposit, moving costs etc. He has no debts.

What would you think in this scenario? On the online calendar 65k seems a lot even after a 1k mortgage, which we do appreciate is huge.

Your son is being a sly little shit bag he’s got plenty if money left from that salary to live off very comfortably; he’s early more than my husband & I earn jointly & we still live a very comfortable life; we don’t have a mortgage but we do save 1k a month & still have money to go out; entertain; go on holidays; spoil our children & grandchild so yes l can honestly say he’s taking the piss !!! Stop paying for him; he’s being a very manipulative young man.

I don't want attention! I'm answering a question I was asked!

This place is absolutely wild. even worse than I'd heard. I post on 10+ other forums and have never had a single bad interaction with anyone. Here, you post a very reasonable message explaining another point of view to consider and people pile on you and argue. It's basically an echo chamber, where anyone who posts anything that goes against the majority opinion is bullied into shutting up.

Absolutely mental.

I hope you'll be taking the same attitude with your mother should she need care or any help in later life?

To be fair, nothing you've said about your situation is giving the other point of view. You've said yourself that you have plenty of money to save for your emergency repairs/house stuff each month so if you wanted to use that for some bloody blinds you could. If your fridge or oven or washing machine broke, again you could pay out of that month's savings without even touching the rest you have put aside. You also have a strange way of looking at what you do and don't have. Half the people I know with kids have moved out of London so that they can afford a bigger home and maternity leave. You have options available to you if you're on a decent salary.

The OP's son is either prioritising socialising or else just doesn't want to spend his cash on mundane house stuff. I suspect there's some link to the fact that OP has contributed significantly to the house.

I earn less than him and have two children (single parent) and my own home which has needed repairs, a new boiler etc. I don't plead poverty or tap my mum up for cash. It's ridiculous.

For about the TWENTIETH time now, my sole point was that he's probably not spending it on drugs, which for some reason, people are STILL banging on about! It's like being on another planet in here. I've never seen anything like it.

£65K in London is not the kind of money where you have so much you don't know what to do with. Maybe my mistake was actually trying to be responsible, because most people don't seem to get past the amount of savings, when I've made it clear that in order to do that, I currently have NO life. If I'd posted that I spend £100-150 a week on things like meal deals, dates, dinners out, hairdressers, and the odd Uber, would that have seemed decadent? Because that's most likely what OP's son is doing. Just living his life like a normal 28-year-old man.

It's most of you who have a strange way of looking at things. I'm not complaining about my life at all. It's the life I chose to have. Almost anyone posting here could have my life if they'd chosen not to have kids. There's so much misplaced jealousy. So much that people can't see past it to the actual point.

Once again, I don't think he should be asking his parents for money, and that would apply even if he were on £25K. I would not ask anyone for money unless I were literally starving, and even then, I generally went to food banks first.

You've made your point and somehow managed to make the thread all about you. Well done!

I’m the same age as your DS, earn a similar amount, same mortgage cost. I have both an undergrad loan and a postgrad loan. I consider myself well off and have never asked my parents for money! I’ve got plenty of money for socialising, house stuff, shopping, exotic holidays etc. Your DS is either being a CF or is terrible at managing his money (or both).

Yes exactly. You choose to save that much and live the life you do and you can afford the blinds and house repairs/upgrades.

He's saying he can't afford a meal out nor house upgrades so where is it going?

Also I'm a londoner and now living I the home counties so I don't need an explanation on the cost of living nor north/south divide.

He's probably just bad with money or chancing it! He might well also be putting money into savings and then wanting his parents to subsidise his house decorating costs. It doesn't matter either way, really. We agree that he shouldn't be asking his parents for money on that salary and considering what they've already given him. They've been far more generous than most and OP shouldn't feel remotely bad about telling him to sort himself out if he wants blinds.

Probably not. Its in my nature to be a "giver".

She has let me know on countless occasions that I actually earn more than her on my salary. Which is true. But doesn't take into account the lovely savings pot she can dip into.

My mum had 4 of us, so she will be well looked after. I am the least stingiest one, so I'll probably be putting my hand in my pocket far more than the others.

In contrary to my own upbringing, I'll be helping out DS as much as I can without crippling myself. But I sure as hell wouldn't be handing out 50k deposits.

I've resigned myself to the fact I just have a different personality and approach to the way my mum parents me.

• LaydeeDi. Yesterday 11:24

Yalta · Yesterday 10:11

I live in London. Yes it is expensive re housing costs but there are lots of stuff which isn’t or the same price.

I moved back to London about 25 years ago and despite having a bigger and more expensive house my bills actually reduced. Even my council tax/rates reduced by £50 per month.

I do think people get wrapped up in the salary they earn, thinking they can buy whatever they want because they are on a big salary and work hard so deserve blinds that work by motor as opposed to pulling a cord. They deserve the Uber fare as opposed to swiping your Oyster card or walking home.

The reality is salaries are finite and £65k once you make the deductions for mortgage, student loan, tax, NI and bills there is a set amount left. If you fritter that amount on crap or things that weren’t necessary then when you actually want something you can’t have it without taking on another job and being a bit more savvy with the money you do have*

*But equally, there's loads of entitlement shown by parents who think that somehow children don't count as lifestyle choices.

I can work my arse off and save all year to go to the Maldives, and that's seen as really decadent. Someone else could be working their arse off and spending that same money on their three kids. Why is it only OK to criticise me for "choosing" to spend money on something like a holiday while the person with the kids gets to complain about how hard it is? People don't "deserve" kids any more than OP's sons "deserves" blinds. People make their own choices based on their own priorities.

Nobody should be expecting others to fund their lifestyle*

Apart from the last sentence what has your answer/comments got to do with what I posted

I was saying that people get carried away with earning “large” salaries and take the attitude that it is only £5 here and £15 there on Uber’s and coffees or lunches and don’t realise how much those little things they feel they deserve and feel like they can afford add up.

You replied with children being lifestyle choices when the ds as far as we know doesn’t have children and iopg has an adult son who earns enough to realistically stand on his own 2 feet and with going to the Maldives and something about criticising you for going on holiday

So confused.

As his income indicates he should be able to manage, yet he’s relying on you so much financially, I think you’re entitled to know where he’s actually spending his money. I’d ask him as I’d be concerned as to why he isn’t able to manage and clearly it can’t continue.

Exactly this and you are enabling him if you continue down the path of giving him money. He certainly needs to grow up and act like an adult. Unless he has special needs.

Time for him to stand on his own feet now, sounds like you’ve been very supportive in setting him up. Suggest he gets a lodger if he needs extra income. You could offer to buy him house stuff for birthday or Christmas, but not as ad hoc handouts.

Don't give him anymore

I earn the same my rent is over £1200 I eat out and or go out 3 times a week, pay to commute into London for work 3 days a week go on holiday at least twice a year & manage to save at least £6k a year. I don’t drink. Your son is taking the piss

Absolutely this!!

Talk to him about where is disposable income is going, or Is it that he doenst want to spend his own money on mundane things.

me and my partner joint are on 2/3s of what he is and we have all the bills plus a child. No, not 1k mortgage before anyone says that, but a £750 one. He must be on 3.5k a month and we are on 2.1 and we manage. Yes we may have to save for fancy blinds but that’s life. We never got gifted any money for a house deposit. My partner is same age as your son. He sounds spoilt.

I get London is more expensive but he is taking the piss
I earn min wage plus commission so take home approx £1600 and live alone on that. Yes it's tight and I can't afford stuff but I'm surviving
My dad occasionally pays for a food shop for me as he has more coming in from his pension than I do working!

Op - me and my partner earn that combined. We have 4 kids, housing costs and run a car, have holidays, home improvements, days out etc.

Either your son is taking the absolute piss/something else is going on (addiction/gambling etc) or you yourself are making this a problem, and you’re reading into things and assuming he’s hinting for money.

Cut the apron strings - for his sake as much as yours!

65k?! He has more than most households on a joint income. Plus he has no kids so he should have more than enough to be very comfortable.

If he can’t survive on that then there is something else going on he’s not telling you or he is trying to live beyond his means. Regardless, he has had more than enough financial support from you. More than most parents could dream of being able to do so no more in my opinion.

People get by just fine in a hell of a lot less so I’d be asking where all his money is going

You have been more than generous by providing him with a deposit! I didn’t get any help from my parents and also had student loans to pay back. I think he is single with no dependents? If so, he has plenty of money to support himself. There are families who live on less than that.
Our children are 23, 20, 15 and 10 so I have some experience of your situation and all I can say is that if you give an inch, kids will always try to take a mile! So given your generosity with the deposit on his house he’s probably thinking it’s worth giving it a go re the blinds. Just laugh and point out that you’ve already got him on the property ladder and gifted him £50k. As for the comments about struggling to pay for things - maybe ask why given his very good salary and point out he’s only having to look after himself. Maybe he’s got a car on finance and other luxuries like that - so he could cut back. Either way it’s for him to figure out so don’t let him emotionally blackmail you. Time to cut the apron strings me thinks. Good luck and wish you the best.

Your son is an entitled cheeky fucker.

No, would be the only answer I'd give in future if I were you. Or "We've given you £50K and paid for blinds for your house son, we've done more than enough and you earn £65K"

Absolute cheeky fucker.

Don't back down, or he'll continue to take advantage of you!

You are being taken for granted here.

I am 25, earned 33k last year and only paid £1200 off my student loans last year (most of this deducted from bonuses - I usually pay £12 a month!). Student loans are minimal - most people pay less than £100 a month.

Our household income is £66k between two of us, and our mortgage is £1200. We manage just fine!!

He is obviously choosing to flit away his money because he knows mummy and daddy will bail him out. He needs to change his lifestyle or choices - 65k is a really good salary that you can live a comfortable life on.

You can get blinds for £20 from IKEA! I earn similar as sole breadwinner for family of 4 in London and we manage. This is a crazy op.