To think this is surely enough to live on or are we being stingy parents?!

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Our DS is often asking us for money. Last year he was promoted and earns 65k. He does have student loan repayments taken out of that and his mortgage is 1k a month. We know these details as we provided the deposit on the house last year.

He often says he’s struggling for money or he can’t afford a meal out etc, but doesn’t directly ask us for money. It’s making us feel uncomfortable as we don’t want him to struggle but also we are not hugely wealthy. We gave him 50k last year as a house deposit and thought that would set him up. He’s 28 and had saved 20k himself but that went on legal fees and towards the deposit, moving costs etc. He has no debts.

What would you think in this scenario? On the online calendar 65k seems a lot even after a 1k mortgage, which we do appreciate is huge.

Electric blinds! Hardly essential 🤣

no wonder he’s aleays skint if this is his attitude

I'd be worried he has an addiction - gambling or drugs.

£65k is double what most people earn!

I think he needs to learn to budget. I’m a single parent home owner working part time on an income of £16k from work plus tax credits to top me up. Think after tax credits, child benefit and DLA for one child my income is classed as around £25k. I never ask my parents for help. My mum often offers and will pay if we go out for a meal for example. She offered me the money to pay for house improvements after we moved in but as an interest free loan I paid her back and not that she was just giving me the money.

I guess it also depends on where you live. Up here in the north or is cheaper than down south for example. It sounds like from the fact you could afford to give him the money that he’s been used to a particular standard of living which he wants to maintain. But he really needs to learn that he should budget and not rely on handouts.

That is madness, I earn a lot less than that and I wouldn't dream of asking my parents for things like that. I have my own house, and they offer to help with some things when I need it, but £65k is plenty to live off and pay for extras

This place is like another planet. It's eye opening! Anywhere else on the internet, people would suggest he should be more careful with his money, but drug addictions and gambling? People acting like he must be rolling in it? Madness.

It's not remotely invalid or unreasonable to point out that I'm only able to have my lifestyle because I chose not to have kids. People just want to feel virtuous about their choices.

Sorry but on what planet is 65k for a single person not rolling in it/low enough that simply "not being careful" would spend it all?

How on earth can anybody fritter 3k a month? Absolute madness.

Lucky him, my parents wouldn’t even give me £20 if I told them I was struggling!

Hajahahahahahhahahahahahahhahajajahajajajajajajaaahahha.
You kidding right?

Ask him what he does for fun and you will know why he is skint for essentials.

Let him do his thing and give him nothing. If he chooses to live off ramen noodles on 64k a year that's his responsibility. He's an adult.

But the AIBU was never "does my son have a coke habit" or even "AIBU to think that someone earning £65k must be living the high life?"

It was "AIBU to think someone on that wage shouldn't need to be subsidised by his parents (who don't earn anywhere near that themselves)", so surely your breakdown of your own finances exactly proves they (and the vast majority of posters supporting them) are NOT BU, because you are on that wage, also living in London, also have similar deductions (although if you really only get £3200 after deductions you must be putting a lot into your pension, because that's £400 less than salary calculator gave when I looked at it) and not getting subsidised by your parents and are clearly managing just fine.

I fully agree you are not living any sort of high life but you are keeping above ground, have a number of luxuries (gym membership, multiple subscription services and several holidays a year aren't necessities so it's completely feasible to describe them as luxuries regardless of them not being excessive in any way) AND are saving a huge amount per month.

Yes, but threads develop other topics within them, don't they? My point was simply that it's much easier than people think to spend this kind of money without doing anything extravagant. Nothing more.

I'm not putting that much into my pension, no. I've got student loans and am paying quite a lot towards those.

I'm sick to death of saying the same thing. I can only save £800 because I do pretty much nothing socially, and that's neither reasonable nor sustainable. My mental health wouldn't take it in the long term. You surely can't think it's reasonable for a childless single adult who works hard to not afford to go to on dates, go out for meals, etc.? Go on a couple of holidays? That's probably the kind of thing OP's son is doing. I totally agree he shouldn't be doing that and guilting his parents into helping him, but he's most likely just living his life, not gambling!

I think people forget that kids and partners are somewhat of a built-in social life. A single person needs to spend money to go out and do things, or they're stuck at home alone all the time - what kind of life is that? It's very difficult to meet a partner if you never do anything!

I think you just need to switch off and let him get on with it. He is 28, grown up now and should be making his own way. Do not allow yourself to feel guilty in any way.

Would you really think that your adult child was ‘a shit’ how vile.

Meals out and electric blinds are luxury items, he needs to learn to save and balance his income now

Get over yourself. Of course someone you love can behave like a shit…. unless you’re one of ‘those’ parents.

I’m 32, earn 65k (£3600 after pension and tax, no student loan)

Mortgage and bills contribution is £1350. I have some savings, subscriptions to things, eat out once or twice a month and commute to the office (£25 a go). I will say that if you’re living in London or the commuter belt, it doesn’t go as far as people think and managing unexpected expenses can be hard.

That being said, he should be able to save for blinds and maybe get cheap ones in the meantime.

What additional expenses do you have living in London or its commuter belt that everyone else don't have?

I think he's a spoilt prat and that's why he mismanaged his money because he's always had mummy and daddy to bail him out.
DO NOT help him anymore!!

I also don't understand what is so expensive about living in London other than housing. The price of drinks in pubs might be higher. But otherwise ... ? There is no place in the UK with anything like the number of cultural and leisure activities you can do for cheap or free. You don't need to spend money on Ubers - the transport network is pretty comprehensive and you can generally get a night bus home for £1.50! I went to see a West End show recently. My stalls seat with an excellent view was £40 but you could get back row circle seats for £15. I had 2 courses plus a gin and tonic plus a large glass of wine in quite a posh restaurant at the weeke d ... £80. I don't think that's outlandish or all that different to the rest of the country?

you keep wanging on about being single as if you're the only person in the world that is or ever has been - I was single for 8 years until last year, (and earned less than half your wage at the time) yes it's more expensive but doesn't force you into poverty. I had a great social life, including the year I lived in London. There is loads of stuff to do in London that's free/cheap, more so than anywhere else in the UK! Drinks might be cheaper elsewhere but you're also looking at £30-£50q quid for a taxi if you want to stay out after 10pm, rather than a few quid on the tube.

£800 a month is more than enough to go out. Or save half and still have £400. Or only go on one holiday a year and spend the rest on going out. Or cut your £50 gym subscription. Or you could move outside of London and have more than double that. Your choice.

Salary calculator for an income of £65k gives £ 3,559.79 take home per month after student loan, ni and tax so there is an extra £360 compared to the £3.2k you're saying you get. Unless you choose to make additional student loan payments, which again is your choice!

I can't believe this is a question. There's a reason many jobs have a London weighting...and it doesn't even cover the difference, it just helps!

You can't even get a room in a flatshare for much less than £900 these days. London means much more of your post-tax salary is spent on living costs. Commuting costs are very high. You can easily spend £200-250 a month on a monthly travelcard if you live in the city, and much more than that if you commute in from outside. Loads of my colleagues are paying £500-600. Do most people spend that kind of money on fuel to go to work? I highly doubt it.

I do get your point that there's a lot of free stuff to do in London - I do lots of it myself, but it's very difficult not to spend money even if you're doing something free. If you finish work at 5pm and you're going to a free show at 8pm, you'll need to have dinner, because it's too far to go home and come back again. That's when costs start to creep up. Also things like team lunches and coffee - you can easily feel excluded if you constantly decline, and it's a networking opportunity. You can very easily spend £50 on an office day in London without doing anything extravagant. £10-15 on the commute, a coffee, a modest dinner, a pint after your free show in the evening. It adds up REALLY fast. A few days per week of this and my entire savings budget is gone.

Before you start, I do take a packed lunch and a jar of instant coffee and try to buy the cheapest possible hot option if I need to have dinner in central, but it's pretty miserable living like that for years on end...what's the point? It's reasonable to expect a decent quality of life if you haven't had kids and are earning double the average wage, surely?

@heatherheathe how does this go against anything I said? If I thought I'd have a better life back in Hull, I'd be there. It doesn't negate the point that £65K doesn't go particularly far in London if you want to save for emergencies as a homeowner.

Commuting costs are very high. You can easily spend £200-250 a month on a monthly travelcard if you live in the city

That's really not 'very high' for all your travel costs. Someone outside London would very likely need to buy and run a car to get to work which will cost more. Your £110 pm council tax is well below average too.

@LaydeeDi why dont you just save a little bit less and enjoy yourself more? What are you so worried about that you need to save 800 a month?
It seems excessive if it's limiting your life so much. Just get some good insurance.

But alcohol, coffee and team lunch are all free outside London, so it's not a fair comparison...

It’s not easy at the moment but unless he has a family, he really should be able to live within his means quite comfortably. Are you helping him lead a nice social life - eg pubs, meals, holidays? Perhaps it would be better for him to learn how to live on his not at all miserable salary!