Page 14 | To think this is surely enough to live on or are we being stingy parents?!

iopg · 2023-09-06T17:26:19+00:00

Our DS is often asking us for money. Last year he was promoted and earns 65k. He does have student loan repayments taken out of that and his mortgage is 1k a month. We know these details as we provided the deposit on the house last year. He often says he’s struggling for money or he can’t afford a meal out etc, but doesn’t directly ask us for money. It’s making us feel uncomfortable as we don’t want him to struggle but also we are not hugely wealthy. We gave him 50k last year as a house deposit and thought that would set him up. He’s 28 and had saved 20k himself but that went on legal fees and towards the deposit, moving costs etc. He has no debts. What would you think in this scenario? On the online calendar 65k seems a lot even after a 1k mortgage, which we do appreciate is huge.

LaydeeDi · 07/09/2023 12:24

Yalta · 07/09/2023 11:11

I live in London. Yes it is expensive re housing costs but there are lots of stuff which isn’t or the same price.

I moved back to London about 25 years ago and despite having a bigger and more expensive house my bills actually reduced. Even my council tax/rates reduced by £50 per month.

I do think people get wrapped up in the salary they earn, thinking they can buy whatever they want because they are on a big salary and work hard so deserve blinds that work by motor as opposed to pulling a cord. They deserve the Uber fare as opposed to swiping your Oyster card or walking home.

The reality is salaries are finite and £65k once you make the deductions for mortgage, student loan, tax, NI and bills there is a set amount left. If you fritter that amount on crap or things that weren’t necessary then when you actually want something you can’t have it without taking on another job and being a bit more savvy with the money you do have.

But equally, there's loads of entitlement shown by parents who think that somehow children don't count as lifestyle choices.

I can work my arse off and save all year to go to the Maldives, and that's seen as really decadent. Someone else could be working their arse off and spending that same money on their three kids. Why is it only OK to criticise me for "choosing" to spend money on something like a holiday while the person with the kids gets to complain about how hard it is? People don't "deserve" kids any more than OP's sons "deserves" blinds. People make their own choices based on their own priorities.

Nobody should be expecting others to fund their lifestyle.

LaydeeDi · 07/09/2023 12:26

Skybluecoat · 07/09/2023 10:19

@LaydeeDi He shares with one other, and yes, utility bills are high these days.

His student loan isn’t irrelevant as he earns enough to have to repay on top of all other outgoings.

Believe me, I have sat down with him and done a full budget. With commuting costs and everything else, he does need support in order to have just the few little pleasures in life. Being able to go to the cinema or out for a friends birthday dinner.

Maybe you consider those things wild extravagances, we’re all different.

Well, most of the posters here seem to think I'm being extravagant for expecting to spend money on those things, as a 40-year-old woman on £65K.

LaydeeDi · 07/09/2023 12:30

LindorDoubleChoc · 07/09/2023 11:38

The yanbus are unanimous on this thread with one notable exception. I suggest everyone ignores that poster as they are impossibly rude, have a bee in their bonnet about "a bunch of mothers having children they can't afford" (WTF?), accusing people of lacking reading and comprehension skills (ironic) and one has to assume just goading. Also they posted for the first time yesterday so ...

I agree with pp that London is cheaper to live in than many parts of the country - certainly transport and some water and council tax bills. The only exception is housing (it is a big exception) but we know OP's son is only paying £1000 mortgage which is NOT a big spend out of a £65,000 salary for a SINGLE person who is ONLY 28!!

Once again, yanbu, OP .

I have said, multiple times now, that OP is not unreasonable not to give her son money. Multiple times.

My point was that he's also probably not spending it on drugs, and it's perfectly possible he is struggling a bit. That doesn't make it OP's problem - she's helped him enough already and has been extremely generous. Obviously if he wants fancy blinds, he has to save for them himself and cut out whatever else he's spending the money on, whether that's takeaways or holidays or trainers. It's not that any of those things are decadent, it's that a grown man earning good money shouldn't be asking his parents for help.

They really need to do something about reading comprehension in schools.

cheesenpiccle · 07/09/2023 12:36

On just over min wage here with one daughter and a small mortgage. Inherited a small deposit from DGP and my parents are wealthy but wouldn't dream of asking for money. All my bills are paid and we get to go out a good few times a month so I'd say we are comfortable for now. He's being greedy af

BarbaraofSeville · 07/09/2023 12:37

But he's not struggling and neither are you @LaydeeDi. I agree it's not an extravagant lifestyle, but there's plenty of disposable income available, that you're choosing not to spend in the main (if you're 'only' taking home £3200 from a £65k salary that must mean you're putting extra into your pension). I take home nearly that on £50k and the difference is more than extra tax and student loan payments.

You can also afford nice holidays, a huge amount of toiletries, multiple streaming services, leisure, haircuts and still have £500 pm left to save.

So in what world is this 'struggling'? And my reading comprehension is just fine thank you.

LaydeeDi · 07/09/2023 12:45

BarbaraofSeville · 07/09/2023 12:37

But he's not struggling and neither are you @LaydeeDi. I agree it's not an extravagant lifestyle, but there's plenty of disposable income available, that you're choosing not to spend in the main (if you're 'only' taking home £3200 from a £65k salary that must mean you're putting extra into your pension). I take home nearly that on £50k and the difference is more than extra tax and student loan payments.

You can also afford nice holidays, a huge amount of toiletries, multiple streaming services, leisure, haircuts and still have £500 pm left to save.

So in what world is this 'struggling'? And my reading comprehension is just fine thank you.

It depends how you define struggling. Am I struggling to eat? Of course not. Am I struggling to have any kind of a social life? Absolutely yes. Most people would not tolerate never going out and living like a hermit, and so that £800 a month I save would be spent on socialising and going out and doing stuff.

£200 a week in London is not decadent at all. Half of that could easily be spent on a single night out - dinner, a few drinks, and an Uber home. I'm not saying this is essential, I'm saying it's a reasonable expectation that someone who is working hard and earning well and who has chosen not to have children (and tolerating the sacrifices and negatives that come with that) would be able to do stuff like this.

If I had even an average social life, I'd have no savings and no holidays. Again, I'm well aware this isn't struggling or being poor, but it's also hardly a luxury life, is it?

Amazon Prime isn't a streaming service for me, BTW. I pay for it so I get premium delivery for stuff for my business.

FarmGirl78 · 07/09/2023 12:46

iopg · 06/09/2023 20:23

This seems unanimous! I feel much less bad about saying no. DH says even if they were ten quid we should say no! (He wanted electric ones which is why there were so much)

If he was that short of money and desperately needed blinds he wouldn't be insisting on electric ones, he'd be happy with whatever. I earn £34k and I'd even feel guilty about asking for cheapy Argos ones!! His audacity stuns me. He isn't coming to you as he's unable to afford things he needs, he's coming to you because he sees you as a cash cow for things he wants. Sorry OP, you're going to have to start getting strict!

PinkRoses1245 · 07/09/2023 12:50

I thought you were going to say DS was 16! That's a very high salary relative to that mortgage payment, even with student loan repayments taken out. I'd be saying no to any direct requests for money, but do offer to discuss if he's struggling or needs help with budgeting. Perhaps his lifestyle has got ahead of his income, or he feels the need to keep up with friends/colleagues.

MasterBeth · 07/09/2023 12:50

LaydeeDi · 07/09/2023 12:45

It depends how you define struggling. Am I struggling to eat? Of course not. Am I struggling to have any kind of a social life? Absolutely yes. Most people would not tolerate never going out and living like a hermit, and so that £800 a month I save would be spent on socialising and going out and doing stuff.

£200 a week in London is not decadent at all. Half of that could easily be spent on a single night out - dinner, a few drinks, and an Uber home. I'm not saying this is essential, I'm saying it's a reasonable expectation that someone who is working hard and earning well and who has chosen not to have children (and tolerating the sacrifices and negatives that come with that) would be able to do stuff like this.

If I had even an average social life, I'd have no savings and no holidays. Again, I'm well aware this isn't struggling or being poor, but it's also hardly a luxury life, is it?

Amazon Prime isn't a streaming service for me, BTW. I pay for it so I get premium delivery for stuff for my business.

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Then it's a tax deductible business expense, not a personal payment.

PickAChew · 07/09/2023 13:24

LaydeeDi · 07/09/2023 09:59

Does nobody learn to read at school anymore? £600 is for ALL BILLS. My council tax is alone is £110. Gas, electricity and water all come to about £150. My food bill is not overly extravagant, given that I need to follow a certain diet.

Yes, I can afford to go on holiday because I DON'T HAVE KIDS. I spent on holidays WHAT YOU SPEND ON YOUR KIDS. Or are you going to tell me now that your three kids cost you less than £3600 a year? Because I highly doubt that.

How is this not getting into your head? You CHOSE to have kids. If you wanted to have nice holidays instead, you could have made the exact same life choices as me.

How is it so hard?

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Hmm. You seem to have a bit of a problem with children.

Not to worry, this thread is about a young, single man with no children. His equivalent of £300 per month into a holiday fund could easily be spent on something else, like basic blinds that he has to open and close himself, rather than expecting a more expensive version of those things to be funded by his parents.

Springduckling · 07/09/2023 13:33

He's taking the piss!

Don't give more money. You could 'helpfully' find an online cost of living calculator or app and offer to go through his spending with him...you'll probably find he doesn't take you up on that particular offer.

Or just agree with him. Yes, the cost of living is hard, its hitting us all.

My parents always made out that money was a problem for them (it wasn't) and as a consequence I would not ask them for anything from aged 21 onwards.

Haze193 · 07/09/2023 13:49

.

LaydeeDi · 07/09/2023 13:50

PickAChew · 07/09/2023 13:24

Hmm. You seem to have a bit of a problem with children.

Not to worry, this thread is about a young, single man with no children. His equivalent of £300 per month into a holiday fund could easily be spent on something else, like basic blinds that he has to open and close himself, rather than expecting a more expensive version of those things to be funded by his parents.

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I have no problem with children. I love children.

I do have a problem with people who make the lifestyle choice to have children and then act like people who spend that same amount of money on other things are being decadent.

If you're the kind of person who is petty and jealous enough to resent a grown, hardworking adult having money to go on holiday, then don't have kids. If you can afford kids, you can afford holidays. It's up to you which to prioritise.

It's not rocket science, really, is it?

Haze193 · 07/09/2023 13:54

MasterBeth- completely agree with you. Lived my whole life in London and moved to south west last year due to work. My rent is due to go up soon and will be paying for more in rent than my dad does (same size property).

PickAChew · 07/09/2023 14:08

Nobody has made out that you are being decadent, @LaydeeDi .whatbjas been said is that you are not struggling, by any measure. Having a set going out budget is not struggling. Being able to save money for any purpose is not struggling. These are choicest that you can make. Many people, including single people with no kids, don't get to make that conscious choice because the funds are not there to make the choice about.

The OP's single son, with no children, should be comfortably in a position to make that choice, though, and that is what this thread is about.

LaydeeDi · 07/09/2023 14:16

PickAChew · 07/09/2023 14:08

Nobody has made out that you are being decadent, @LaydeeDi .whatbjas been said is that you are not struggling, by any measure. Having a set going out budget is not struggling. Being able to save money for any purpose is not struggling. These are choicest that you can make. Many people, including single people with no kids, don't get to make that conscious choice because the funds are not there to make the choice about.

The OP's single son, with no children, should be comfortably in a position to make that choice, though, and that is what this thread is about.

And where have I said otherwise? There's a huge middle ground between struggling to survive and having loads of disposable income.

I agree the OP's son is in a position to make that choice. I've said multiple times he shouldn't be asking his parents. Of course he has enough to live on - absolutely nobody is arguing that he doesn't!

My point was that he could well find himself short of money every month without having a decadent lifestyle at all, and it must be at least 20 times I've said it now. I guess the people making comments about how he must be on coke or gambling haven't been in London (or Bristol or Brighton or many other cities) since 1987 or so if they think £65K for a single person goes far these days.

LindorDoubleChoc · 07/09/2023 15:39

Oh God this is tedious. Why has the thread become all about LaydeeDi?

LaydeeDi · 07/09/2023 16:01

LindorDoubleChoc · 07/09/2023 15:39

Oh God this is tedious. Why has the thread become all about LaydeeDi?

When people got obsessed with trying to prove me wrong rather than just accept the very valid point I was making. Very weird.

Loadedbydeath · 07/09/2023 16:10

LaydeeDi · 07/09/2023 16:01

When people got obsessed with trying to prove me wrong rather than just accept the very valid point I was making. Very weird.

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Oh give over. The obsession is all yours. No-one on that salary will be genuinely short of money, The End.
Your constant whining about children being luxuries and only being able to save amounts many single people have to live on is neither valid nor reasonable. Nothing weird about challenging you; you seem to have an overinflated idea of your own importance tbh.

starryeyed19 · 07/09/2023 18:27

This is insane. Sixty odd grand and he’s hitting you up for money?! At 28?! Absolutely stop enabling this. There is no reason whatsoever for you to be paying for ANYTHING. He should be paying for you!

Hubblebubble · 07/09/2023 18:29

Had he got a secret gambling addiction or something? He earns about triple minimum wage. That's more than plenty.

scotvic · 07/09/2023 18:51

Don’t give him more money, he’s earning enough.

Sayut · 07/09/2023 18:57

He sounds like someone who has always been a bit pampered and spoilt to be honest.

RecklessGoddess · 07/09/2023 19:01

Wow, I would be over-the-moon to get that kind of money. If he's always struggling, he's clearly spending a LOT of money on something he shouldn't be spending it on! You're 100% NOT being unreasonable!!

Pinklemons9 · 07/09/2023 19:13

I’m earning £47k, mortgage is just over £800 a month, I have 2 children and I’m living comfortably. Where on earth is his money going?! He’s either taking advantage or he has a problem (drugs, alcohol). Either way, stop funding him. He’s earning more than enough and you have been way more than generous.