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Original poster

Deathbed marriage?

107 replies

MovieCliche · 06/09/2023 16:53

Watching a movie with my sister where the main character is terminally ill and wants to marry his soulmate before he dies. (Spoiler: He lives in the end and it’s happily ever after)

Got onto the subject of real deathbed marriages and the intentions behind one. I think it’s (one of) the ultimate show(s) of love, a way of saying “we don’t have much time but I want to spend however long it is as your spouse.”

My sister thinks someone getting married knowing their spouse is going to die is just an action done out of pity. That it’s not real love, it’s a perceived duty or obligation.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Noicant · 06/09/2023 16:54

I would assume it’s to avoid inheritance tax tbh.

FuzzyPuffling · 06/09/2023 16:55

I know someone who did this. Most definitely an act of love.

Letmeoutnow · 06/09/2023 16:55

Inheritance?

I know someone who everyone knew was a serial cheat but married his partner when she was terminally ill ( she didn’t seem to know about the cheating).

Mimmy352 · 06/09/2023 16:57

I could see where the sense of obligation could come from, but I think the majority of relationships are based on actual love, so deciding to marry before a death is just a way of saying “I’m in this, no matter how long this lasts”.

I think it’s a show of genuine love that the spouse who lives is entering into this marriage knowing they will be heartbroken and lose their love, but does it anyway because they want to marry their love regardless

Alwaysdecorating · 06/09/2023 16:57

That doesn’t make sense.

There won’t be just one motivation. For some it will be your reasoning. Others your sisters, reasoning. Then other people will have other reasons.

Some it will be to ensure the one left behind is legally protected and so on.

TheInterceptor · 06/09/2023 16:57

I knew a couple who did this. It was both an emotional expression of love and a practical one - inheritance/child custody etc. Very sad.

TenOhSeven · 06/09/2023 16:57

I know someone who did this. Love was the main reason but it was also practical so that property etc would pass to the surviving spouse.

plumtreebroke · 06/09/2023 16:58

A friend of mine's son married his GF while terminally ill in hospital. In many ways I thought it was really nice, but I felt sorry for the bride, no husband to go home with, and almost immediately a widow, but it was what they both wanted.

Edit: I believe they intended to get married but were waiting until he got better, but then he got the terminal diagnosis.

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 06/09/2023 16:58

I think it's a type of love, absolutely. Would it have lasted if the person lived? Well there's about as much chance as any other marriage, and it's a moot point anyway. It also means the spouse can be next of kin and carry out the person's wishes.

ConsuelaHammock · 06/09/2023 16:59

I think it’s very sad for all involved. However, if it was me and I wasn’t married before my deathbed I wouldn’t get married on it.
If someone wanted to marry you they would, waiting until they know you are going to die is dreadful. I think some couples do it for the rights marriage awards upon death.

Toddlerteaplease · 06/09/2023 16:59

I always wonder why they've not done it before. Particularly of they've been together or ill for a long time.

ConsuelaHammock · 06/09/2023 17:00

I think it’s a cross between pity and practicality.

FloweryName · 06/09/2023 17:02

The two people I know who have done it have both done it so the surviving partner doesn’t lose their home, although each in different circumstances. One was an owner but wouldn’t have been liable for inheritance tax anyway.

MarshyMcMarshFace · 06/09/2023 17:04

I wouldn’t presume to speculate.

Lots of reasons why people would choose to do this. How can anyone generalise?

Everydayimhuffling · 06/09/2023 17:05

DP and I have never got around to getting married, but if I knew I was dying I would suggest that we get married for practical reasons. I'd imagine that was usually the reason. It wouldn't make any difference to our feelings for each other. Of course it would be sad for the one who lives, but not more sad than without the wedding.

FloweryName · 06/09/2023 17:07

It wouldn’t have occurred to me to think it was done out of pity. In the cases I know of the couples were very much in love and the surviving partner was the one who got the emotional comfort from the fact that they’d been married because they were both devastated after their losses.

It was also exhausting and extremely emotional for the person who was dying. Probably painful too as they had to reduce medication to be with it enough to make a legal contract.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 06/09/2023 17:08

ConsuelaHammock · 06/09/2023 16:59

I think it’s very sad for all involved. However, if it was me and I wasn’t married before my deathbed I wouldn’t get married on it.
If someone wanted to marry you they would, waiting until they know you are going to die is dreadful. I think some couples do it for the rights marriage awards upon death.

Yes this bothered me about the only couple I know of that had a deathbed marriage. He absolutely didn't want to marry her, until she was terminally ill, then he did. I'd not want that.

BranchGold · 06/09/2023 17:08

I think it’s primarily for practical reasons, but also imminent death can focus the mind on what’s important to you and wanting to mark the significance of your relationship.

RoseMarigoldViolet · 06/09/2023 17:09

I would think it was for legal reasons so that it would be easier for the surviving spouse after the death.

DivingForLove · 06/09/2023 17:09

I know someone who did this to get hold of her money. Absolute bastard. 🤬

MeerkatsRule · 06/09/2023 17:10

I think people do it for all sorts of reasons. Some it might be practical, some love, some so the person gets to experience being a bride or groom before they die, some because they had been putting it off for financial reasons etc. I think even if it was done out of some sort of obligation the underlying reason would still be love. It must be such a heartbreaking thing to go through.

scaredydog2 · 06/09/2023 17:11

plumtreebroke · 06/09/2023 16:58

A friend of mine's son married his GF while terminally ill in hospital. In many ways I thought it was really nice, but I felt sorry for the bride, no husband to go home with, and almost immediately a widow, but it was what they both wanted.

Edit: I believe they intended to get married but were waiting until he got better, but then he got the terminal diagnosis.

Edited

Same scenario here. I think it meant a great deal but crikey I felt so sad for her

MrHopsPortal · 06/09/2023 17:14

DivingForLove · 06/09/2023 17:09

I know someone who did this to get hold of her money. Absolute bastard. 🤬

I used to work with someone who tragically died young (mid-20s) of cancer - she met someone very late into her illness and they married just before she died. I'm hoping she took pure love from it, but I have strong suspicions that he married her for her death in service payout.

DivingForLove · 06/09/2023 17:16

@MrHopsPortal yep that’s what this guy was after. What a wanker.

Bobbotgegrinch · 06/09/2023 17:16

My Mum and Stepdad did it for the lump sum that her pension would pay out to her spouse.

They'd been together for 7 years at this point, neither had any interest in marrying again. They were very committed to each other, but both like having their own homes so never moved in together, kept their finances separate as both wanted their money to go to their own kids.

They got married two years before she died, thinking she probably had about a year left. The reasoning was probably 50% the pension thing, and 50% my Mum wanting a massive party to see all of her friends at a happy occasion, before her health deteriorated and she might not see some of the further flung ones again.

Seems like a good reason to me!

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