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AIBU?

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Original poster

Deathbed marriage?

107 replies

MovieCliche · 06/09/2023 16:53

Watching a movie with my sister where the main character is terminally ill and wants to marry his soulmate before he dies. (Spoiler: He lives in the end and it’s happily ever after)

Got onto the subject of real deathbed marriages and the intentions behind one. I think it’s (one of) the ultimate show(s) of love, a way of saying “we don’t have much time but I want to spend however long it is as your spouse.”

My sister thinks someone getting married knowing their spouse is going to die is just an action done out of pity. That it’s not real love, it’s a perceived duty or obligation.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
WeWereInParis · 06/09/2023 19:30

My sister thinks someone getting married knowing their spouse is going to die is just an action done out of pity. That it’s not real love, it’s a perceived duty or obligation.

Well, of course it might be.

But it's illogical to say that no one who gets married in these circumstances is really in love. Couples who are really in love can suddenly find out one is dying - is she saying that in that situation, the real love goes away.

ActDottie · 06/09/2023 19:32

I think an act of love. It very much symbolises letting the terminally ill person know they are not alone and are loved.

But it would also come with practical reasons too like tax and being the recognised next of kin etc.

Elphamouche · 06/09/2023 19:33

I have friends who did this. She died a couple of months later. He still worships her a couple of years on.

it was out of love.

SistersNotCisters · 06/09/2023 19:36

It's out of love I'd say but it does have some huge benefits. Having an automatic right (and screwing the grabby tax man over) when it comes to inheritances and having to deal with all the paperwork after they pass away. Husbands and wives can apply for financial help to afford the funeral but a boyfriend or girlfriend, even of 40+ years is told no. Same goes for pensions etc. "it's just a piece of paper" means it's a important bloody contract giving you legal rights your spouse would want you to have.

Pollywoddles · 06/09/2023 19:38

I think it’s usually done for inheritance purposes. My dear friend never had any interest in getting married to her very long-term partner but when she was diagnosed as terminally ill they tied the knot. She did it because she wanted things to be as simple for him regarding her house and affairs after she passed.

jays · 06/09/2023 19:42

Noicant · 06/09/2023 16:54

I would assume it’s to avoid inheritance tax tbh.

Oh ffs! It’s always the first post isn’t it. Do posters sit there all day waiting to get in there and be as draining, cynical and bloody awful as possible? From now on I’m refusing to look until five posts down!

jays · 06/09/2023 19:50

For me, if I was truly in love with them then all the crap like money, guest lists, outfits, blah, blah (that I don’t really care about anyway but it’s so easy to get caught up in when you gave ‘all the time in the world) it’d just mean nothing to me and I’d just want to be their wife. So when they weren’t there anymore I’d just potter about knowing I was his little Mrs and stuff and that would keep me going.

Ratfinkstinkypink · 06/09/2023 20:08

I married him because I loved him, we were going to get married one day but a terminal diagnosis focuses the mind. I married him because it made me next of kin which meant the medics took me more seriously and he wanted me to be his voice when he could no longer speak because we had talked about how he wanted to be treated and where he wanted to be at the end of his life. He hadn't had those conversations with anyone else. He married me because he loved me and he knew things would be easier for me if I had the legal status of being his wife.

IlonaRN · 06/09/2023 20:20

Ratfinkstinkypink · 06/09/2023 20:08

I married him because I loved him, we were going to get married one day but a terminal diagnosis focuses the mind. I married him because it made me next of kin which meant the medics took me more seriously and he wanted me to be his voice when he could no longer speak because we had talked about how he wanted to be treated and where he wanted to be at the end of his life. He hadn't had those conversations with anyone else. He married me because he loved me and he knew things would be easier for me if I had the legal status of being his wife.

I am so sorry for your loss xx

Tintackedsea · 06/09/2023 20:40

My neighbour did this. It was, I think, an act of love. They'd lived together for 10 years and she had children from a previous relationship. I think he wanted to cement that relationship for her so she knew he'd always be there for her kids even though they were a little older. It was desperately sad. She died a few weeks later.

PurpleFlower1983 · 06/09/2023 20:43

I know two people who have done this, an act of love and security. Both had children and were in very loving relationships where unfortunate the husbands had cancer that were diagnosed very late.

AnnaMagnani · 06/09/2023 20:46

Having arranged a number of deathbed marriages I think there are as many reasons as there are people:

Couples who already were planning a wedding and had to bring it forward

A lady who loved her partner and wanted to die Mrs Partner's Surname

A demonstration of love

A pragmatic decision to quickly sort finances and inheritance

And many many more.

girlfriend44 · 06/09/2023 20:49

Exactly and what business is it to anyone else?

TheaBrandt · 06/09/2023 20:50

Making things administratively easier for the person left behind and avoiding them possibly having to sell the house to pay tax is arguably an act of love anyway.

TrishTrix · 06/09/2023 20:51

I would assume pragmatic financial decision.

My widowers pension is valuable. I've told my long term close friend that if I get a terminal diagnosis we should get married.

He thought I was joking. I was deadly serious.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 06/09/2023 20:56

Oh ffs! It’s always the first post isn’t it. Do posters sit there all day waiting to get in there and be as draining, cynical and bloody awful as possible? From now on I’m refusing to look until five posts down!

Why is that cynical or awful? If you've been happily partnered for a very long time and not felt the need yourselves to marry - but you accept that, legally, the surviving partner will be in a much stronger financial position if you do marry, so you just consider it a wise and caring thing to do just before one of you goes.

To be honest, I think, in general, deathbed marriages of people in very LTR for tax/admin reasons seem much less cynical than those who quite easily could have married decades ago, but only decide right at the end that they will - for love. Obviously, as PP have said, there are any number of reasons and circumstances; and it's nothing to do with me what two strangers decide they want to do.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 06/09/2023 20:59

My widowers pension is valuable. I've told my long term close friend that if I get a terminal diagnosis we should get married.

He thought I was joking. I was deadly serious.

To be honest, it's almost financially unwise not to. Especially if you have a close friend (maybe even a Godchild!) who is 60 years younger than you - give them an income for life!

Twentypastfour · 06/09/2023 21:03

I would imagine it’s mostly done for practical and financial reasons but that’s not unromantic in itself - it’s an act of love to protect the other partner (financially). I’d feel better facing what was to come if I knew my loved one was going to be secure.

allhellcantstopusnow · 06/09/2023 21:04

If I knew I was about to die, I'd get married sharpish; pension, death in service payment, life insurance etc.

EconomyClassRockstar · 06/09/2023 21:06

My friend had one when her husband was terminal. I have only seen the video but it was beautiful. It was a show of love and to officially make her his next of kin in the end of his life.

menopausalmare · 06/09/2023 21:09

I think Ken Dodd did this shortly before he died. He wanted to ensure his life partner had financial stability.

Twentypastfour · 06/09/2023 21:10

And I totally agree @FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper why is it so cynical and terrible to want to leave your assets to your loved one? Financial reasons (avoiding inheritance tax, pensions etc) are a significant reason for many people to get married. It’s something that I generally assume most people have considered.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 06/09/2023 21:13

If they cba before then it's for practical purposes rather than genuine love only.

More like a 'might as well' gesture.

AngelinaFibres · 06/09/2023 21:18

TheInterceptor · 06/09/2023 16:57

I knew a couple who did this. It was both an emotional expression of love and a practical one - inheritance/child custody etc. Very sad.

This. My mother was a Superintendent Registrar. She did several death bed marriages. It is much easier legally and financially to be the widow/ widower of someone than to be the girlfriend/ boyfriend/ partner of the deceased.

Pushkinini · 06/09/2023 21:22

My parents did this. Well not quite deathbed but DF was terminally ill and it was three weeks before he died. They'd already been married, divorced and then got back together. Dad wanted mum to be eligible for his pension so they got remarried.