Deathbed marriage?

[MovieCliche]

Watching a movie with my sister where the main character is terminally ill and wants to marry his soulmate before he dies. (Spoiler: He lives in the end and it’s happily ever after)

Got onto the subject of real deathbed marriages and the intentions behind one. I think it’s (one of) the ultimate show(s) of love, a way of saying “we don’t have much time but I want to spend however long it is as your spouse.”

My sister thinks someone getting married knowing their spouse is going to die is just an action done out of pity. That it’s not real love, it’s a perceived duty or obligation.

Thoughts?

People are very complacent about death until it's staring them in the face.

Marriage makes the paperwork and finances situation both much simpler and much better for the surviving partner after a bereavement. I don't think it's unromantic to only do it when a terminal diagnosis forces the issue. Many people don't really think that they, personally, will ever die. Even on here, the benefits of marriage following the death of a partner are very rarely mentioned compared to the benefits at the end of a relationship. Not really logical , given that not all of us will get divorced, but all of us will die.

A couple I know got married 2 weeks before the man died. They had lived together for over 20 years. The reason was so that the wife was his next of kin and could arrange the funeral the way he wanted and in the place where he wanted. Otherwise his parents would have been his next of kin and would have gone against his wishes.

Act of love but also the security of it, which I totally understand. You have so many more legal rights as a spouse.

I would have married dp if I knew I was terminally ill back when my dd was young. Purely to help him with the practicalities after I had died.

@TotalOverhaul what's the book called? It sounds good.

Inheritance, pension, property, tax.... or occasionally love😏

I knew of someone who was a party in two deathbed weddings. Shortly after the first they lost their first spouse. And a few years later after the second their second spouse lost them. Terrible terrible thing to happen. So tragic for the children involved.

Interesting choices. I assume it’s nothing to do with love and everything to do with legal loose-end-tying. Which could be an expression of love, tbh.

Humans aren't the best at thinking about our own mortality. The majority of adults don't have a will, for example. Impending demise concentrates the mind. I think getting married for practical reasons and to give your partner protection you know they're going to need very soon is fine.

'Everyone knew' ... 'she didn't know '

So you never told her? Probably, like everyone else decided 'you didn't want to get involved' so she made life choices without full information.

I'd assume most of the time it's an act of devotion and also for mutually agreed legal/financial reasons, especially if there are kids.

Occasionally you do get awful opportunistic gold diggers though.

I know someone who did this too. He's remarried. Seems happy now.

There will be as many different reasons as there are people involved. I see nothing whatsoever wrong with marrying for practical reasons. One of my best friends only married her longterm partner because she developed a serious condition during pregnancy and it was thought she might not survive.

I will never forget nursing a man in his mid 20s at home who was dying of terminal cancer - they had the vicar come in and marry them whilst he was in bed. I guess he died before he had chance to be married and wanted to die a married man.

Why would you think that? Isn’t it equally possible he wanted to make a formal commitment to his partner, or to be able to benefit her financially?

A couple I know got married 2 weeks before the man died. They had lived together for over 20 years. The reason was so that the wife was his next of kin and could arrange the funeral the way he wanted and in the place where he wanted. Otherwise his parents would have been his next of kin and would have gone against his wishes.

But what had changed? Why did they wait until then? Did he not trust her with any decisions whilst he was alive, but thought that she would be better than his parents once he was no longer able to do anything himself?

Yep, agreed .. has made me think about actually converting my 15 year engagement, even though I have no sentimental reason to do so!

I’ve always said that if marriage was just a piece of paper there wouldn’t be deathbed weddings. If I wasn’t good enough to marry under normal circumstances I wouldn’t marry you because I’m dying.

I’ve always said that if marriage was just a piece of paper there wouldn’t be deathbed weddings. If I wasn’t good enough to marry under normal circumstances I wouldn’t marry you because I’m dying.

I'd see it that way too. Only difference, I suppose, would be if you'd only recently met each other in a whirlwind romance - but not when you've been together 20 years and have 4 kids.

Yes, but a will doesn’t take care of IHT

Taxes and Pension

Maybe she didn’t want or need to get married? Maybe she had more assets than him, they were simply in love and doing fine without being married!

But his impending death gave them a reason.

Although there is actually no legal Next of Kin status. He could have written a statement that said he considered his live in Partner if 20 years his NoK and she was authorised by him to take care of his onward wishes.

I hope he re-write his will, because by marrying he invalidated the one he wrote before they were married.

My aunty married her long term partner in the hospital chapel as he was terminal, they had two children , the oldest was 16 and it was a happy event in very traumatic time. He died 3 days later.

@RoadLess Maybe but on his deathbed it may not have been top of his thoughts to think about money from what I witnessed it was about their love for each other.