Husband to introduce mistress to teen DC's

[RestartingLife]

Long story short. Husband had an affair with another married woman which was going on for months before her husband tracked me down and enlightened me. When confronted with it he was extremely remorseful and for some nonsensical reason I agreed to make a go of saving our 22 year relationship. In the weeks and months after this he continued behaviour towards me which had been going on for a long time but escalated it, such as gaslighting, silent treatment, complete disinterest. I didn't want our teenagers knowing what he'd done as I knew it would hurt them and thought I was strong enough. No. I broke. Turning to alcohol, depression thoroughly set in and i went into conplete self destruct. Lost my job, he took the DC's as and turned them against me when he left. He called me drunk out of his head one night when he was away screaming down the phone that it was over calling me a shit wife, shit mother and generally a shit human. The next night , alone, no DC's around either, I had a mental break and attempted to take my own life and failed. This was all the ammo he needed to turn our very few friends and my sisters overseas against me. After 3 months in the hell of total solitude I finally told a friend (male) when he got in touch again, he's an ex colleague. He has been a shining light for me in all the darkness. A few months on and I'm feeling more like me and can see a future after therapy, medication, rebuilding trust with my DC's, getting a new job etc. He has not stopped attacking me from afar through various methods but the one which I find most disagreeable is his weaponising my youngest. He's effectively moved his emotional abuse to her slating me to her as she wants to be with me alot more now. When he left he left me financially destitute refusing to pay towards the mortgage or other joint things. This has now impacted my credit file as I've had to continue paying a hefty mortgage alone. There is so much more but this pist is long enough.

Reason for post - he has just now told our teen DC's that he is seeing the woman he had the affair with (after he convinced them that he didnt have an affair and that hed just been 'texting and chatting' with this woman). He is to take them to meet her. They seem to want to go as they don't want to upset him. I am very careful not to speak negatively to them about their dad and now this woman, they get enough from him about me and its not fair on them, i can see that theyre hurting enough and the eldest is about to go off to uni so I want to focus on that with them for them as its a HUGE step in their little life...AIBU to not want them to want to meet this woman and form a relationship with her and to want them to realise the impact of their dads actions with this woman on all our lives?

NOT TO BE USED IN ANY NEWSPAPER

YANBU to feel the way you feel, but I'm afraid you don't get a say in it.

I'm sorry for what you went through, but your children are the absolute priority and as difficult as it is you can't drag them into your arguments. He is still their dad and they love him. It sounds like they just want to keep the peace which is understandable.

Be kind to yourself. 💐

Thank you, this is my thoughts too, it's helpful to get others opinions. 💖

For context, my father also had an affair and left my mum, as an adult now I am NC with him. Sometimes you have to let kids work things out themselves.

As hurtful as this is for you. He's moved on and wants his children to meet his partner

It's a natural progression and your job is to make this as as good for the children as possible

No negative comments or gestures. It's tough. But you've got this

I think you have to take your lead from your DC.

They've been through an awful amount of turmoil, so it's important they now feel listened to regarding whether they want to meet her.

Be a supportive and loving mum if they need to talk it through but don't let them feel as though they have to choose between pleasing their mum or their dad.

No you are not unreasonable to feel that way. Your ex sounds like absolute scum. I think the best thing to do is exactly what you are doing already, not speaking of ex and this woman negatively to your dcs . As he wil no doubt insist on speaking badly of you , your dcs will eventually realise they don’t want to be around his toxic behaviour. Let him continue digging his own hole.

Your feelings about this woman and her meeting your children are totally understandable and YANBU at all for having them.
Unfortunately this is one of those situations where you just have to live with the reality of what is happening as it is not inside your control.
You are right to find an outlet for your feelings that does not include offloading on your children xxx

It's not unreasonable to feel this way. But as PP said you have no control over it.

You are doing the right thing - not badmouthing him to the children. They will form their own judgement on your husband. Also they might be intrigued by his mistress. She isn't going to be some surrogate mum though at this stage.

Sounds like you have made great progress rebuilding your life after this great sadness. And you did it without much help. You shining light friend excepted . 💐

YANBU he is out of order. But there is not a lot you can do.

Btw the newspapers can still use stories from here, even if you put a disclaimer there.

Your feelings are completely reasonable, he's been a terrible husband and by weaponising your children he's being a terrible father.

That said, my own parents went through sometime not dissimilar to what you're describing and my mothers pain and anger, while absolutely justified, was a heavy thing to carry and affected my siblings and I for much longer than my parents separation did. I wanted her permission to still love my dad and to move on with my own life in ways that felt semi-normal normal. I'm now in my 40s and still feel guilty if I'm in the same room as the woman he left my mother for. I also feel guilty about being distant from both of my parents despite a really happy early childhood, my teens and early adulthood was dominated by my parent's war and now I associate both of them with that stressful, anxious pressure.

You are human and it's not fair or right that you should have to compensate for a your ex-husband's selfishness. If you can't fake it, nobody could blame you, but if you can find it within yourself to disconnect from your anger and justifiable resentment toward him you might be giving your children an enormous gift. I don't mean defending him, lying about what happened or pretending it's ok, just literally disconnecting and letting your kids believe you have moved past those feelings so it's ok for them to.

I think you're being unreasonable.

Your actions have probably hurt/confused/upset your children more than his. You needed to be strong for them to make the lifestyle changes as smooth as possible, but instead you chose alcohol and bitterness.

It was obviously inevitable that they would meet their dad's new partner. If you get a new partner they'll meet him too.

I'm so sorry for what you have been through, OP. It never ceases to amaze me what people are capable of, and it must feel such a betrayal when it is your husband at the centre of it.

I agree with PPs. You can't control who your husband introduces your DC to, and your DC must be your priority (as it sounds like they are). I think they will be well aware of the effect the affair has had on you and their family unit, or at least they will become aware of it in the years to come.

What is happening with you job wise etc? Are you managing ok now? Have you looked at bank accounts, joint assets etc or taken legal advice about what you may be entitled to when/if you divorce?

Nonsense, and pointlessly cruel. She was betrayed, manipulated and lied to after giving 22 years to another person. Her family, identity, relationship and sense of safety were all ripped from under her and her effort to forgive him to hold the family unit together was discarded and abused. It is absolutely understandable for someone in that situation to grieve and fall apart before they are able to rebuild their lives.

Her actions have been a reaction to his and she is a person not just a mother. I do think it would be the best thing for the children if she can dig deep and fake graciousness but that doesn't mean it's not deeply unfair. This man has unapologetically harmed everyone who loves him in pursuit of his own needs and the fact that putting her children's needs above her own feelings will inevitably make him more comfortable is simply an unpleasant and unavoidable side effect.

OP, just wanted to say that I went through this as a teen and I didn't see it until I was older, how awful it was what my dad put my mum through. We have had a much more strained relationship since I could see it more from my mum's side. When you are young/teen you can't really see it for how it is.

Just let it play out. All will right itself in the end.

Some really cruel and inaccurate posts on here.

I would shine light on the whole thing. Yes your father had an affair, yes the mortgage wasn’t paid so it has been difficult, I will support you throughout your lives. They are not little kids, tell them the truth with strength and in a calm way and take a step back. He sounds awful and they will soon see him for what he is. Focus on supporting your dc and take care of yourself and your own future.

I understand how hurtful it must be that your ex is controlling the narrative your children are hearing. However trust me when they are more grown and mature they will see the truth about his behaviour. You are doing the right thing and maintianing your dignity. The OW will not replace you. In fact it's unlikely to last as affairs rarely turn itno healthy relationships. Look after yourself and know that things will continue to get abtter if you are patient and play the long game x

I split up with DC father last year (I say split, he announced he was gay). Their dad had been having an emotional affair with a man from the states, and fast forward to now their married and live together in England.

I had reservations about my DC meeting their fathers husband but ultimately I had no say.

I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through. I also attempted suicide when I found out about my ex’s sexuality and the despair at losing your solid family unit. You will get through this, and one day your DC will learn of their Dad’s behaviours but for now, encourage their relationship.

I doubt this story would be picked up by any journalist but Mumsnet is a public platform so please make yourself aware of the law.

All social media is legally considered open publication - therefore any newspaper can quote directly from it, just like they could from a book.

Op. As sad as it is, it's all about playing the long game... your kids are highly likely to see it. There's a thread running about children going NC with their fathers on here.. it'll likely happen in your case.

With regards to the OW, there is nothing you can do to prevent a meeting happening. Just stay calm and dignified x

You're not telling me anything I don't already know or don't feel immense guilt for so I find your comment unhelpful.

I have a new partner, someone I've known for years and DC's have met and accepted him. Difference is - I didn't have an affair and obliterate our family life to meet him though.thats the difference.

Thanks though. I hope you don't have to experience anything similar in your lifetime.

Wise words

I'm sorry OP, through the mill is an understatement and I'm glad you are able to start rebuilding.

I've no experience of this but a very dear friend of mine found out a few years ago that > in a nutshell < her partner of 25+ years with who she had a young child had been spending the past few years shagging anything that moved and living a second life. Unfortunately for him the Ither Woman became pregnant and at that point contacted my friend to drop the bombshell. As you can imagine it imploded her life.

She like you had been rebuilding and is with a new guy who her son is fond of. He makes her happy so gets my approval.

But one thing I remember and she still maintains it now is that one of the hardest things about the whole awful situation was biting her lip when she was so tempted to tell her son what a cheating, lying, manipulating and gaslighting piece of shit his dad was. She was just as exhausted by keeping this to herself as anything else.

Her son is now a young teen and it seems from his questions and comments he's starting to realise for himself what his dad is like and adores his mum who he is fiercely protective of.

All the best OP and sorry for my rambling

Just an FYI. You’ve posted this on a public forum. The newspapers can take it and publish it regardless of what you say

Thank you 💖 yes secured a good job again and starting into legal advice, just want a clean break from him and for him to stop coming up with new ways to attack me indirectly - leave me alone, be good to the DC's, stop continuously trying to villainise me to them so he can deflect his own bad doings. I just want peace for the DC's and for me to move on and focus on my DC's after all they have come through. I'm just reaching out for some advice as I'm struggling with the fact that they're about to be introduced to the woman he caused such havoc to be with and don't want to put that on DC's.

💖💖

Thank you for sharing that, so helpful.