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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband to introduce mistress to teen DC's

134 replies

RestartingLife · 06/09/2023 09:51

Long story short. Husband had an affair with another married woman which was going on for months before her husband tracked me down and enlightened me. When confronted with it he was extremely remorseful and for some nonsensical reason I agreed to make a go of saving our 22 year relationship. In the weeks and months after this he continued behaviour towards me which had been going on for a long time but escalated it, such as gaslighting, silent treatment, complete disinterest. I didn't want our teenagers knowing what he'd done as I knew it would hurt them and thought I was strong enough. No. I broke. Turning to alcohol, depression thoroughly set in and i went into conplete self destruct. Lost my job, he took the DC's as and turned them against me when he left. He called me drunk out of his head one night when he was away screaming down the phone that it was over calling me a shit wife, shit mother and generally a shit human. The next night , alone, no DC's around either, I had a mental break and attempted to take my own life and failed. This was all the ammo he needed to turn our very few friends and my sisters overseas against me. After 3 months in the hell of total solitude I finally told a friend (male) when he got in touch again, he's an ex colleague. He has been a shining light for me in all the darkness. A few months on and I'm feeling more like me and can see a future after therapy, medication, rebuilding trust with my DC's, getting a new job etc. He has not stopped attacking me from afar through various methods but the one which I find most disagreeable is his weaponising my youngest. He's effectively moved his emotional abuse to her slating me to her as she wants to be with me alot more now. When he left he left me financially destitute refusing to pay towards the mortgage or other joint things. This has now impacted my credit file as I've had to continue paying a hefty mortgage alone. There is so much more but this pist is long enough.

Reason for post - he has just now told our teen DC's that he is seeing the woman he had the affair with (after he convinced them that he didnt have an affair and that hed just been 'texting and chatting' with this woman). He is to take them to meet her. They seem to want to go as they don't want to upset him. I am very careful not to speak negatively to them about their dad and now this woman, they get enough from him about me and its not fair on them, i can see that theyre hurting enough and the eldest is about to go off to uni so I want to focus on that with them for them as its a HUGE step in their little life...AIBU to not want them to want to meet this woman and form a relationship with her and to want them to realise the impact of their dads actions with this woman on all our lives?

NOT TO BE USED IN ANY NEWSPAPER

OP posts:
Anuta77 · 06/09/2023 14:39

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 06/09/2023 12:30

I think actually as this is the woman he chose to destroy OPs life with then yes it's very much her business.

She can't control what he does but(so much easier said than done) she can controls her reaction and action.

But it's not as black and white to say him introducing her kids to to woman who knowingly upheaved their lives, is none of her business.

Show quote history

There are cheating husbands who treat their wife with respect during separation and try to be gentle with her feelings. Some even leave them the family house. The way this a**hole treated OP has nothing to do with his lover, its all on him!

millymog11 · 06/09/2023 14:43

Ignore people like MidnightMeltdown · Today 14:32
They are obviously personally invested in this thread (i.e. they have been a mistress, became a wife and has met the children in someone else's marriage) they are not impartial in any way.

Anuta77 · 06/09/2023 14:50

CherryPieMadness · 06/09/2023 14:25

I’ve had this with my Ex and also my father, both cheated and were pretty selfish.

I’d say be somewhere in the middle. Don’t pretend it’s all fine for the kids, but also do treat them like kids in that they need protecting by you. With that I mean, let them meet this woman as you have no say in this, and really put the focus on them in a very open way. You will have your own feelings - talk to friends and therapists. But believe me, children will have too, and it probably won’t come out for years.

Encourage your kids to be themselves and be able to say no or express themselves. Encourage them to be confident in choosing the right partner for themselves.

So I’d say if these were my kids:
“I can’t pretend it’s easy for me, your father, our relationship and another woman. But I’m working on it with therapy and feeling much more confident. I hope that I’m being a better parent to you.
So I just want you to know, you don’t have to walk on eggshells around my feelings. You may like this woman, you may not, you may feel somewhere in between and that’s all fine. You don’t have to hide things but also you don’t have to tell me things either. But if you do have feelings about your Dad, or me or anything you can always talk to other trusted people about it like your friends, or other family. We’ve all been through a break up and that includes you so just know I can support you, you don’t need to support me as I’m getting help.”

What a great advice!

Original poster
RestartingLife · 06/09/2023 14:53

PorridgeOnToast · 06/09/2023 13:49

What an awful situation you have been through, especially your children.

They have gone from having 2 parents together, to you splitting up, their mum becoming an alcoholic and attempt suicide. And now they are pulled in yet another direction with meeting the OW. Poor, poor kids.

As hard as it is, keep schum. Be the mother they now need, stop wallowing (sorry - I know this sounds harsh, but you need to be told imo as it is easy to do with all that you have been through) and focus on helping them to build their trust in you again.

I don't know where you got alcoholic from. I'm certainly not wallowing either. Maybe read through my main post again and subsequent responses to people before posting you're opinion, this one is misinformed and self righteous..

OP posts:
pam290358 · 06/09/2023 14:54

PorridgeOnToast · 06/09/2023 13:49

What an awful situation you have been through, especially your children.

They have gone from having 2 parents together, to you splitting up, their mum becoming an alcoholic and attempt suicide. And now they are pulled in yet another direction with meeting the OW. Poor, poor kids.

As hard as it is, keep schum. Be the mother they now need, stop wallowing (sorry - I know this sounds harsh, but you need to be told imo as it is easy to do with all that you have been through) and focus on helping them to build their trust in you again.

Where is she wallowing ? She told us the back story for context and has said she’s turned things around with therapy and medication, she’s got a new job and is already rebuilding her relationship with her children. To my mind, that’s getting on with it, not wallowing. She doesn’t want her children to meet this woman or have a relationship with her - realistically she has no control over that but she realises that. Doesn’t mean she has to like it though.

Rosscameasdoody · 06/09/2023 15:01

Anuta77 · 06/09/2023 14:39

There are cheating husbands who treat their wife with respect during separation and try to be gentle with her feelings. Some even leave them the family house. The way this a**hole treated OP has nothing to do with his lover, its all on him!

Show quote history

I think it’s everything to do with his lover. They were both married, so between them broke up two marriages. And it’s obvious the woman knew he was married because it was her husband who advised the OP of what was going on. The OP says he asked for a reconciliation and then basically treated her like dirt until she broke down - the fact that he now wants to introduce this woman to the children after lying to them about her seems to bear out the fact that the affair never stopped during the reconciliation. The other woman bears some responsibility for that.

TheRealLilyMunster · 06/09/2023 15:04

I'm sorry you have been through so much, what a real piece of shit your ex is.

YANBU feeling the way you do about your kids having a relationship with this woman, but you are doing the right thing not saying anything. It must be really hard for you right now, but in time your kids will come to realise exactly what their dad is like, without you needing to say a word.

He has admitted to your kids that he was texting and chatting to this woman while married to you. They don't want to think badly about their dad, but deep down I'm sure they're old enough to understand the implications of that.

Try to let him slating you to your daughter go over your head. Again, its not easy to ignore, but given enough time it will backfire on him. You're her mum, and she doesnt want to hear bad things about you either. Carry on being there for her, and she will judge you by your actions, not what her dad says about you.

And if the woman who he cheated on you with thinks he won't do it to her, then she's going to get a real shock when it happens, isn't she?

You're doing great, try not to give the twat too much headspace, because he isn't worth a second more of your time 💐

DotAndCarryOne2 · 06/09/2023 15:07

Anuta77 · 06/09/2023 14:24

I absolutely understand how you feel, but think about it this way. Your ex is a horrible individual, maybe even narcissic? He might have used all this charm to seduce this woman, telling her how bad his relationship with you was, etc. She might as well be a nice but very naive person and thinks that he was separating with you anyway (thats what many married men tell the lovers apparently). Just saying that it was his decision to cheat, the fact that she was the lover doesnt . does mean that she knows what she was getting into. If that makes you feel better, remember what this guy put you through and feel pity for this next woman. He cant be vile with you and nice and mature with someone else.

Like others said, being there for your children is the best thing you can do.
If they are teenagers, they probably wont bond with her all that much even if shes nice. And if shes not nice and the father is manipulative, it will bring them closer to you.

Concentrate on bringing your life back together and I really wish you can find happiness!

Hardly nice and naive if she was a married woman - and her own husband was the one who broke the news to the OP, so a good indication that she knew exactly what she was getting into.

PorridgeOnToast · 06/09/2023 15:08

You asked for opinions (and posted in AIBU 🙄 ) I gave mine. Fine if you dont want it.

The whole of your first paragraph is about YOU, hardly anything about your children until you talk about your ex wanting to introduce the OW. You were giving background, fine. But your focus appears (I dont know you, I can only go by what YOU yourself have written) you and your experience.

I know nobody likes to admits they wallow. Which is daft, because most of us do. And nothing wrong with that. Better a wallower than someone who turns to alcohol and is depressed. Sorry if I called you an alcoholic, that was not correct.

Out of everything you have written, my opinion is to stop focusing on you and what your ex is doing, and focus on your kids.

Unfollowing now, so don't bother replying.

Fannyfiggs · 06/09/2023 15:12

'Oh the kids, think about the kids, what's gonna happen to the kids, you've destroyed the kids lives'.

FFS I'm sure OP has thought about nothing else but her kids.

You poor woman, you have been dragged through hell and back but you're still standing. That takes strength and guts.

Keep looking after yourself and your kids will see a bloody strong woman and a role model to look up to ❤️

Anuta77 · 06/09/2023 15:14

Rosscameasdoody · 06/09/2023 15:01

I think it’s everything to do with his lover. They were both married, so between them broke up two marriages. And it’s obvious the woman knew he was married because it was her husband who advised the OP of what was going on. The OP says he asked for a reconciliation and then basically treated her like dirt until she broke down - the fact that he now wants to introduce this woman to the children after lying to them about her seems to bear out the fact that the affair never stopped during the reconciliation. The other woman bears some responsibility for that.

Show quote history

I personally know husbands who treated their wives well despite the affair. My neighboor stayed with the house when the husband left her for the lover, she just sold it for an amazing price after years living there alone. She made money whereas the OPs ex destroyed her credit. And the way the OP describes her marriage, it wasnt good and shes surely better off without this twat. And poor his new partner.

MsRosley · 06/09/2023 15:16

I don't agree with saying nothing about your ex husband to your kids. If he tells them lies, you absolutely should counter them. They deserve the truth; without that they cannot navigate any of this, or make sense of their world.

millymog11 · 06/09/2023 15:18

PorridgeOnToast · Today 15:08

judgmental and self righteous much??

Cheeseandlobster · 06/09/2023 15:18

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 06/09/2023 10:29

I think you're being unreasonable.

Your actions have probably hurt/confused/upset your children more than his. You needed to be strong for them to make the lifestyle changes as smooth as possible, but instead you chose alcohol and bitterness.

It was obviously inevitable that they would meet their dad's new partner. If you get a new partner they'll meet him too.

Absolute shame on you. Let's see how you would cope if you went through what the op has been through. What a cold uncompassionate person you sound.

Op I have been where you are. Nor with the affair but with an evil unhinged ex who tried his utmost to turn my dc against me. He introduced numerous women over the years including one after just 2 weeks and encouraged them all to call themselves mum.

I won't lie. It was a long hard slog of playing the long game and at times it was very hard to keep going but my dc is now nc with dad and never wants to see him again. Your dc will see their dad for what he is. Maybe not now. But one day.

Anuta77 · 06/09/2023 15:19

DotAndCarryOne2 · 06/09/2023 15:07

Hardly nice and naive if she was a married woman - and her own husband was the one who broke the news to the OP, so a good indication that she knew exactly what she was getting into.

Show quote history

I know a woman who cheated on her ex (who never found out). Everybody, including her new partner (not the one she cheated though as that relationship didnt work out), think that shes nice and sweet. The son never found out and is very protective about this mother. The ex and his family have a good relationship with her as well. She has lots of friends. Apparently, the relationship wasnt working for her and she fell in love with the lover. Life is not black and white. Im not saying that the lover is totally innocent, but cheating and mistreating his wife was the husbands decision.

Chippy4me · 06/09/2023 15:19

I have a new partner, someone I've known for years and DC's have met and accepted him. Difference is - I didn't have an affair and obliterate our family life to meet him though.thats the difference.

YABU

You’ve been in a relationship for much less time than he has and you’ve introduced him to your DCs and so it’s only fair that he introduces his partner to them too.

Of course it’s shit for you that she was the OW but your kids don’t need to know or care about this as their dads relationship is different to your relationship with him.

The more you move on and be happy with your own life, the more you win.

Do not let his actions cause you anymore pain.

Its time for the DCs to have stability and happy home lives.

My reply button isn’t working either.

KingsHeath53 · 06/09/2023 15:21

Damnedidont · 06/09/2023 13:59

Why do so many people believe they are protecting their dc by failing to tell them the truth? It is not protection it is lying. And it always leads to resentment - not gratitude. Age appropriate by all means but the truth. They can then decide for themselves. They don't have to shun one parent
They can be free to maintain relationships. But tell them the truth

But there isn’t just one truth, families don’t work like that.

”He’s a horrible gaslighter who had an affair” is one truth.

“there were problems in the relationship and dad fell in love with someone else” is the same truth.

I guess it’s all about managing comms with kids in a way that won’t completely mess them up as all the info about abuse and suicide etc… it’s a lot for a teen to handle, and some of it won’t make them better off for knowing.

Rosscameasdoody · 06/09/2023 15:22

Anuta77 · 06/09/2023 15:14

I personally know husbands who treated their wives well despite the affair. My neighboor stayed with the house when the husband left her for the lover, she just sold it for an amazing price after years living there alone. She made money whereas the OPs ex destroyed her credit. And the way the OP describes her marriage, it wasnt good and shes surely better off without this twat. And poor his new partner.

Show quote history

I thought the same myself - surely the one good thing in all of this is that OP is rid of him - he sounds an absolute arsehole. I’d feel sorry for his partner if I didn’t have a sneaking suspicion that they deserve each other !!

Maddy70 · 06/09/2023 15:25

My dad was a horrible abusive husband. But a great loving dad. My mum really struggled with my relationship with hun (understandably) but her truth was different to mine.

She never said anything vad about him to me until I was an adult vut by then I had sussed it all out anyway.

I appreciate my mum not bad mouthing him as it made mine and my mums relationship stronger. I
Still maintained a great relationship with my dad until he died. That doesn't take away what I know he was to my mum

GolgafrinchamB · 06/09/2023 15:32

I'm sorry you've beern through such trauma and I hope yoju're on a safer, healthier path now.

Sadly, there's not a damned thing you can do about your ex introducing the children to his affair partner. Take the high road and prioritise your children's best interests. You can't change what he does, but you can minimise your reaction to it.

Rosscameasdoody · 06/09/2023 15:36

MsRosley · 06/09/2023 15:16

I don't agree with saying nothing about your ex husband to your kids. If he tells them lies, you absolutely should counter them. They deserve the truth; without that they cannot navigate any of this, or make sense of their world.

I agree the truth would be better, but it’s going to be very difficult without appearing to badmouth their father, which she doesn’t want to do. The children have already been told by their dad that there was no affair, just texting and chatting and given that he has no hesitation in using them as weapons against the OP telling them the truth may not be the best option right now. Best to wait until they’re older and can handle it with maturity.

Letsbe · 06/09/2023 15:43

You have come a long way. You have survived don't let this derail you. Your children are too important to you and you to them to let this get in the way of your relationship. Let them meet her keep stum and let them make up their minds. They will see the truyfor themselves.

accountpasswordaboutyou · 06/09/2023 15:46

Sounds really painful and I'd echo other posters above who said just because your teens are expected to meet this woman doesn't mean they're going to like it. My mother had affairs when we were younger and was never discreet and it damaged our relationship for life and I had very little to do with her as an adult.

Do be good to yourself.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 06/09/2023 15:48

Anuta absolutely, fair point. It's on him

But this woman still played an active part in destroying her life (and continues to be present so must know how hard this is to move on from) so in terms of hard feelings she doesn't get off scott free

Of course OP is trying to the more healthy thing for her and right thing by her kids by not focusing on this pain

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 06/09/2023 15:50

I don't however think a cheating spouse deserves ANY respect for maybe not continuing to be an absolute piece of shit during a separation. Nothing can repair the damage caused

And many mums stay in the home as they are primary carer so in many cases nowt to do with "being kind" but the law

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