Husband to introduce mistress to teen DC's

[RestartingLife]

Long story short. Husband had an affair with another married woman which was going on for months before her husband tracked me down and enlightened me. When confronted with it he was extremely remorseful and for some nonsensical reason I agreed to make a go of saving our 22 year relationship. In the weeks and months after this he continued behaviour towards me which had been going on for a long time but escalated it, such as gaslighting, silent treatment, complete disinterest. I didn't want our teenagers knowing what he'd done as I knew it would hurt them and thought I was strong enough. No. I broke. Turning to alcohol, depression thoroughly set in and i went into conplete self destruct. Lost my job, he took the DC's as and turned them against me when he left. He called me drunk out of his head one night when he was away screaming down the phone that it was over calling me a shit wife, shit mother and generally a shit human. The next night , alone, no DC's around either, I had a mental break and attempted to take my own life and failed. This was all the ammo he needed to turn our very few friends and my sisters overseas against me. After 3 months in the hell of total solitude I finally told a friend (male) when he got in touch again, he's an ex colleague. He has been a shining light for me in all the darkness. A few months on and I'm feeling more like me and can see a future after therapy, medication, rebuilding trust with my DC's, getting a new job etc. He has not stopped attacking me from afar through various methods but the one which I find most disagreeable is his weaponising my youngest. He's effectively moved his emotional abuse to her slating me to her as she wants to be with me alot more now. When he left he left me financially destitute refusing to pay towards the mortgage or other joint things. This has now impacted my credit file as I've had to continue paying a hefty mortgage alone. There is so much more but this pist is long enough.

Reason for post - he has just now told our teen DC's that he is seeing the woman he had the affair with (after he convinced them that he didnt have an affair and that hed just been 'texting and chatting' with this woman). He is to take them to meet her. They seem to want to go as they don't want to upset him. I am very careful not to speak negatively to them about their dad and now this woman, they get enough from him about me and its not fair on them, i can see that theyre hurting enough and the eldest is about to go off to uni so I want to focus on that with them for them as its a HUGE step in their little life...AIBU to not want them to want to meet this woman and form a relationship with her and to want them to realise the impact of their dads actions with this woman on all our lives?

NOT TO BE USED IN ANY NEWSPAPER

Sorry to hear this OP. YANBU but unfortunately, what can you do? This is why I've zero belief in be the bigger person/stay silent, particularly for women. Everything pent up inside then when the other party gets their story in well then- you said nothing though so it couldn't have been as bad as you say/you're lying is the usual stance.

He's still their Dad. Their relationship with him is different than your relationship with him. That's just how life goes. I hope you have family and good friends supporting you.

Be the best version of yourself you can be, hold your head high, do nice stuff you've always wanted to do. Get help from GP, family etc. Make sure you're finances savvy. Don't wallow, it won't solve a single thing. Good luck.

OP. I hope you listen to me because I've been there.
You are still in denial of your actions and how you have affected your kids. You are blaming him 100%.
You need counselling, you need to reevaluate. In the big picture, now you're separated, in as far as your kids are concerned it doesn't matter if he had an affair or not.
Please get help.

I understand you are hurted but this behaviour only hurts your children, allow them to love their dad and meet the mistress. They are a couple now, he moved on and you should do the same. Focus on you and on your healing and who knows maybe in the future you will meet a real man not like the scum your ex is.

Let it play out 💪
Get serious about therapy
Chumplady.com
💐

My father behaved a bit like this. We're not close, and he's elderly now, and alone. He's reaping what he sowed.

And yanbu because he sounds like a knob. But at the same time, you need to take responsibility for you - your behaviour, your responses, your reactions. You've got this. Good luck!

I think that the OP and her children should start family therapy now. Why wait if you can minimise the damage?

Hope it all works out, if it has gone as it has been laid out by the OP - the husband is scum.

I don't have any experience to share OP, but the comments suggesting you think long and hard about the distinction between 'bad mouthing' somebody, and telling the truth about their behaviour.

While it is indeed not fair to bad mouth their father to your children, or to ask them to restrict contact with him, it is entirely fair for you to be honest with them about his behaviour and the impact this has had, and will have on you.
Including the fact that him wanting to introduce your children to his affair partner, following his minimisation of the affair to your children, is going to be very, very painful for you. I think that is just telling the truth.

And actually OP while clearly some of your own actions and self destruction will absolutely have had an impact on them of you are honest and own this that will help your win healing and hopefully help them too.

I have a mum with a history of depression and know from seeing her how hard it can be to get yourself out of this and that's without the horrible shock you had.

I love the way there are various posters trying to guilt trip the OP. Apparently ignoring the following facts

• the teenage kids (I assume) are living with the OP not the ex husband. The OP is responsible for raising them more or less herself alone
• the ex husband cheated and then gas lit/abused OP
• the ex husband continues to be abusive to OP
• the ex husband has left OP in a very vulnerable state financially

Now I am not saying OP does not have any faults by any stretch but it is amazing how some posters just want to point out what they consider OP has done wrong. She won't be the first and won't be the last woman who has turned to alcohol or struggled with their mental health in this type of circumstance. Yet some are determined just to try to make OP feel guilty and say "think of what you are doing to your kids" In my mind the OP is thinking of how the kids are affected by this turn of events, it does not even need saying. And here is a question that no one will ask of the ex husband when he runs off with his affair partner "Don't cheat on your wife, think of what it will do to your kids!" No one ever says that to the person having the affair.

Totally agree - op has done nothing wrong - the kids are lucky that the father's attack on his wife's mental health did not end in a successful suicide - he is the only one to blame imo.

*Would you be happy about the woman who was instrumental in this horrible situation spending time with your children???

Of course OP can't stop it, but she's perfectly entitled to her feelings!*

@Treesinmygarden nobody said that OP isn't entitled to feel upset, but there's nothing she can do about it, and she certainly shouldn't try to stop her kids from meeting anyone

I think it's a bit weird to blame the woman. It was her husband who cheated on her. At the end of the day, when someone cheats it's usually because they aren't happy in their current relationship for one reason or another. I don't see how it's helpful to blame somebody else.

No, I'm not a mistress, I simply understand that there are two sides to every story, and people don't cheat because they're happy in a relationship.

It sounds to me like you are the one with a vested interest. I can only assume that you are a scorned wife!

MidnightMeltdown · Today 16:52

you are so obviously an affair partner / the person who broke up a marriage somewhere!

You have all my sympathy OP as I went through something very similar years ago, and I still endure the prospect of bankruptcy due to the debt run up by ExH in my name, some years after I left him. The stress of the many lawsuits he initiated against me overwhelmed me emotionally and financially, and caused a permanent breakdown in my health. The impact of a gaslighting environment and financial abuse on mental and physical health is unrecognised in the family court system and by society generally, though there is a sliver of increasing awareness of how seriously this affects people, usually women.

In my situation the OW behaved malevolently then, and continues to do so towards my now adult child. However, she and ExH are very poor parents to their own children who now suffer mental health problems, and my child sees what a fake Disney Dad experience was had.

My adult child is very grateful for being raised in our loving and nurturing home, even though we were quite impoverished compared to the wealthy lifestyle of their father. I have still never shared the decades of abuse I suffered and what sacrifices I made to keep us intact but my child is not stupid, they see the different parental behaviours, standards of living, and levels of integrity and they judge. They love both their parents but their allegiance is firmly in my corner.

My advice is to speak little about the other parties, and accept that they will do whatever they want. There is no justice or fairness here so look after yourself and your mental health. Find ways to release your anger and frustration. Be the better person so that you can be proud of how you handled yourself in years to come. Don’t beat yourself up for the mistakes you have made as that won’t help - fight to be strong and healthy and be proud of how you have overcome these challenges!

Guide your children when necessary to see that none of this situation is their fault, and if their father gaslights them, they should know that they are not the adult with power in the relationship and are not responsible for their father’s needs. Build up their self esteem and be truthful even if you do not give specifics re fault and poor parental behaviour. Honesty has the credibility of truth and lets your children trust you, and discretion re their father’s bad behaviour will allow them to have a relationship with him if they choose. As they grow they will need him less, and as adults you may choose to share more details of what you have gone through, when they are less vulnerable. Focus on your daily life and plans and look after yourself now; you deserve peace.

It's not the affair partner who breaks up a marriage, it's the spouse.
Nobody can break up a marriage unless the other person is willing.

That is completely correct @VeterinaryCareAssistant. Too many people want to blame the OW/OM but at the end of the day they never made any promises to the betrayed spouse and the only people who can break up a marriage are the two people in it.

Totally agree - op has done nothing wrong - the kids are lucky that the father's attack on his wife's mental health did not end in a successful suicide - he is the only one to blame imo.

//

Absolutely this

VeterinaryCareAssistant · Today 17:43

It is true that the other man/other woman did not make the marriage vows which are broken.

But invariably it is always the other man/other woman who goes around for years afterwards getting into conversations with other people which include the "well if he/she was happy he never would have cheated on his/her first wife/husband and now he/she is very happy with me".

Strangely it is never the spouse who had the affair who repeats the mantra "if I had been happy I never would have cheated on my first wife/husband but now I am blissfully happy with the person I had an affair with".

I don't know why the spouse who had an affair does not often proclaim to the world how unhappy they were (by contrast the cheating spouse almost always says how unhappy he is to the person he has an affair with usually at the start of the affair - but never to anyone else - I guess it does happen sometimes but usually it is the affair partner who tells everyone how unhappy the person they had an affair with was when the affair started).

Strange that!

“I don't know where you got alcoholic from”

She probably got it from your OP where you said you “turned to alcohol”. Which certainly suggests sustained problem drinking.

He sounds like a total arsehole, I’m sorry you went through that. I don’t personally see cheating as the end of world (yes, my husband cheated on me!) it’s all the other shit around (like the finances) that really screws you up. Let alone the shit way he had treated your kids.

But… life does move on and and cheating isn’t the worst thing that can happen. I think you need to take a big step back and let your kids make their own decision whether they want to meet his his - however it started. I just don’t believe that cheating makes you an irredeemably awful person, and they couldn’t - and shouldn’t - ever have a positive relationship with her.

I have never cheated, and my husband did. Time helps a lot.

Thank you, you've got the facts spot on 💖

So if you’re unhappy in your marriage it’s OK to cheat ?

Victim blaming of the worst kind. And she’s getting help - not that you would have realised that because you clearly haven’t understood anything she’s said.

People do cheat when they are in a happy relationship. They cheat because the 80% contentment they get from their spouse isn’t enough for them. They feel they deserve 100%. They deserve more sex or more ego kibbles or validation. But funnily they don’t want their spouse to play by the same rule and have their fun with a third party (hence they lie and hide their behaviour- choosing to skulk around like a teenager smoking behind a bike shed).

People cheat because they lack integrity. They cannot self soothe. They communicate poorly. They maybe don’t like confrontation. They lie. Have poor boundaries. Struggle with self esteem and self respect. They have a ‘but’ I am monotonous but not if I don’t get sex every night. You m monogamous but not if I’m out on the town with the lads. Im monogamous but not at a strip club because that doesn’t count. They lie to themselves and rewrite their happiness with their spouse - because if they don’t they would struggle to live with the cognitive dissonance.

An unhappy marriage cannot make someone cheat. Just like you cannot tempt a vegetarian ti eat a bacon sarnie, or a tee total person to have a beer - it’s because their integrity, beliefs and self worth stop them from saying ‘yes’.

They say no for them, not their spouse. I don’t cheat for me, not my spouse, because I said I would be faithful - so I keep my word for me - what else do I have if I don’t have integrity and self worth.

Take it to court, get your kids custody to 50/50 at least and get access arrangements in writing. If you suspect emotional abuse report him to social services every single time. Focus on the girls welfare and you won’t go wrong