Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband to introduce mistress to teen DC's

134 replies

RestartingLife · 06/09/2023 09:51

Long story short. Husband had an affair with another married woman which was going on for months before her husband tracked me down and enlightened me. When confronted with it he was extremely remorseful and for some nonsensical reason I agreed to make a go of saving our 22 year relationship. In the weeks and months after this he continued behaviour towards me which had been going on for a long time but escalated it, such as gaslighting, silent treatment, complete disinterest. I didn't want our teenagers knowing what he'd done as I knew it would hurt them and thought I was strong enough. No. I broke. Turning to alcohol, depression thoroughly set in and i went into conplete self destruct. Lost my job, he took the DC's as and turned them against me when he left. He called me drunk out of his head one night when he was away screaming down the phone that it was over calling me a shit wife, shit mother and generally a shit human. The next night , alone, no DC's around either, I had a mental break and attempted to take my own life and failed. This was all the ammo he needed to turn our very few friends and my sisters overseas against me. After 3 months in the hell of total solitude I finally told a friend (male) when he got in touch again, he's an ex colleague. He has been a shining light for me in all the darkness. A few months on and I'm feeling more like me and can see a future after therapy, medication, rebuilding trust with my DC's, getting a new job etc. He has not stopped attacking me from afar through various methods but the one which I find most disagreeable is his weaponising my youngest. He's effectively moved his emotional abuse to her slating me to her as she wants to be with me alot more now. When he left he left me financially destitute refusing to pay towards the mortgage or other joint things. This has now impacted my credit file as I've had to continue paying a hefty mortgage alone. There is so much more but this pist is long enough.

Reason for post - he has just now told our teen DC's that he is seeing the woman he had the affair with (after he convinced them that he didnt have an affair and that hed just been 'texting and chatting' with this woman). He is to take them to meet her. They seem to want to go as they don't want to upset him. I am very careful not to speak negatively to them about their dad and now this woman, they get enough from him about me and its not fair on them, i can see that theyre hurting enough and the eldest is about to go off to uni so I want to focus on that with them for them as its a HUGE step in their little life...AIBU to not want them to want to meet this woman and form a relationship with her and to want them to realise the impact of their dads actions with this woman on all our lives?

NOT TO BE USED IN ANY NEWSPAPER

OP posts:
Original poster
RestartingLife · 06/09/2023 11:32

Thank you for sharing 💖

OP posts:
Original poster
RestartingLife · 06/09/2023 11:36

Agreed on the wise words and thank you for sharing your friends situation, it is really helpful and encouraging 💖

OP posts:
BasicPumpkinSpice · 06/09/2023 11:37

I'm so sorry for what you have had to go through. But you have no control over what he does.

Use your anger to sort yourself out and support your children. Living your best life is the best revenge.

And even though it doesn't feel like it now your children will figure out what is going on. Play the long game here OP

Original poster
RestartingLife · 06/09/2023 11:38

I thought by pressing 'reply' it would quote the response I was replying too 😅

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 06/09/2023 11:38

It is really none of your business and neither of you should put the children in the middle

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/09/2023 11:41

If you click on the 3 dots on the top right of posts you can select quote 💐

Original poster
RestartingLife · 06/09/2023 11:42

Thank you to all those who took the time to share some really helpful comments of support and advice, amd to those who shared their own/friends/relatives experiences. I will take this forward and carry on biting that lip. I really appreciate your input 🤗

To the negative and unhelpful commenters, I sincerely hope you find some happiness in your lives, have a great day.

OP posts:
Original poster
RestartingLife · 06/09/2023 11:45

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/09/2023 11:41

If you click on the 3 dots on the top right of posts you can select quote 💐

Thank you 🤦‍♀️😅

OP posts:
Daffidale · 06/09/2023 12:04

Your ex sounds like a sh*t . There is so so much here YANBU about. Your Ex is VVV unreasonable on so many things - refusing to pay the joint mortgage, trying to turn your kids and your family against you. You’re also totally reasonable to not like the idea of your DC meeting the Other Woman.

But…

YABU to try to stop it. You can’t and shouldn’t try to control what your ex does or your DC do. Your DC have met your new partner. I know to you this situation is different, but one of the few things your ex is not being unreasonable about is wanting his DC to meet his not-so-new-partner.

All you can change is what you do in response. Rise above. Focus on you and your relationship with your own DC. Support them in what they want to do about their relationship with him and the OW. Focus on the things you can control, like telling your own truth about this.

Salome61 · 06/09/2023 12:12

Good luck to you and your DC.

My Dad was unfaithful for my whole childhood and introduced me to his girlfriend when I was 20. I was glad she made him happy but I had absolutely no interest in her. They went to Gretna to marry but hadn't done the banns, no idea where or when they finally married.

My Dad is now 91and widowed, I'm now 66 and widowed. I recently found my 'step mother' on ancestry, I know her maiden name for the first time in over forty years. Her kids never made any effort to befriend me, she had a daughter and two sons.

Mari9999 · 06/09/2023 12:12

@RestartingLife
Stop focusing on this woman as the cause of havoc in your life. If you were honest, her existence was probably symptomatic of larger issues in your marriage.

Get on with managing your life and that of your children. If you do not think of this woman as the cause or source of your failed marriage, your children will probably have less stress.

The both of you need to stop playing the blame game. Nothing good comes from that. Accept the fact that you 2 could not make it work together, but find a way to make it work better apart for the sake of your children.

You have lost a spouse, but they do not need to lose their parents. They deserve functioning adults as parents.

Sundaefraise · 06/09/2023 12:13

He sounds absolutely awful. I think you need to play the long game and also be smart. He sounds like he is trying every way possible to needle you and introducing them to the other woman could be part of it. I expect he would like you to reactive negatively - don't give him the satisfaction.

PonkyPonky · 06/09/2023 12:26

For what it’s worth, my DH is years down the line from parental alienation now and it didn’t work. The DC have now seen their mum for who she really is and are struggling to maintain a relationship with her after all the emotional turmoil she put them through. DH on the other hand remained calm and supportive for the children no matter what she was putting them all through. He never ever said a bad word about their mum nor told them what she was doing to him. The DC are far far closer with him now. Your children will one day see this for what it really is and they’ll be thankful you didn’t make it worse for them no matter what he puts you through.

Original poster
RestartingLife · 06/09/2023 12:28

Sundaefraise · 06/09/2023 12:13

He sounds absolutely awful. I think you need to play the long game and also be smart. He sounds like he is trying every way possible to needle you and introducing them to the other woman could be part of it. I expect he would like you to reactive negatively - don't give him the satisfaction.

You hit the nail on the head, he's not been getting a reaction from me for months and I know this is really getting to him which is why he's also trying to stop DC's from being home with me at all - which he's not succeeded at yet and is why he's upping the anti saying things to the youngest like 'you're selfish and inconsiderate of my feelings, look at all I've done for you, you are not in control - I am, I decide where you go' and much worse. It kills me not to react when they tell me things like this, all I can do is comfort them but then when he realises he's causing them to resent him a little bit more he showers them with 'niceness' . He hasn't got me to emotionally abuse any more so he's turning it on the youngest as he knows he'll be shut down by the eldest. THAT is what's hardest along with biting lip on meeting OW. I do feel a little more confident on the long game after all the wonderfully helpful comments on here but there is the other issue. Long game and consolation of DC there I suppose, I just worry about mental impact on DC...it's difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
RestartingLife · 06/09/2023 12:29

PonkyPonky · 06/09/2023 12:26

For what it’s worth, my DH is years down the line from parental alienation now and it didn’t work. The DC have now seen their mum for who she really is and are struggling to maintain a relationship with her after all the emotional turmoil she put them through. DH on the other hand remained calm and supportive for the children no matter what she was putting them all through. He never ever said a bad word about their mum nor told them what she was doing to him. The DC are far far closer with him now. Your children will one day see this for what it really is and they’ll be thankful you didn’t make it worse for them no matter what he puts you through.

Thank you so much, this truly helps 💖

OP posts:
tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 06/09/2023 12:30

WandaWonder · 06/09/2023 11:38

It is really none of your business and neither of you should put the children in the middle

I think actually as this is the woman he chose to destroy OPs life with then yes it's very much her business.

She can't control what he does but(so much easier said than done) she can controls her reaction and action.

But it's not as black and white to say him introducing her kids to to woman who knowingly upheaved their lives, is none of her business.

stars345 · 06/09/2023 12:32

I was the child in this near identical scenario.
OP, when I was going I was disgusted with my mothers behaviour. The drinking, the spiralling etc. I thought she was weak. Awful of course looking back at it through a more mature emotional lens but I couldn't grasp how she could let a man do it to her and my dad could do no wrong.
I loved my stepmother as well, she was wonderful so that didn't help either.
As I got older and spoke with my mum more, especially since I had my own children I have learnt to accept it for what it was. A broken hearted person breaking down at losing her family unit and the love of her life. It took a while to get to that point, but we did.

Maybe in a couple of years you could suggest family counselling with your just your children and you. It may help them get that point of understanding and acceptance quicker than I did.
Best wishes op Flowers

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 06/09/2023 12:32

But absolutely OP look to the future, try to move on from what has been done and play the long game.

Your children will start to piece the puzzle together in due course.

stars345 · 06/09/2023 12:33

stars345 · 06/09/2023 12:32

I was the child in this near identical scenario.
OP, when I was going I was disgusted with my mothers behaviour. The drinking, the spiralling etc. I thought she was weak. Awful of course looking back at it through a more mature emotional lens but I couldn't grasp how she could let a man do it to her and my dad could do no wrong.
I loved my stepmother as well, she was wonderful so that didn't help either.
As I got older and spoke with my mum more, especially since I had my own children I have learnt to accept it for what it was. A broken hearted person breaking down at losing her family unit and the love of her life. It took a while to get to that point, but we did.

Maybe in a couple of years you could suggest family counselling with your just your children and you. It may help them get that point of understanding and acceptance quicker than I did.
Best wishes op Flowers

When I was young, not going Confused

ScribblingPixie · 06/09/2023 12:34

I'm not going to vote you as unreasonable but don't try to stop this. It's going to happen whatever you say and do. My advice would be to be honest with people about why your marriage ended - in a straightforward, low-key way - and continue to get your life back on track. Your children will understand what's happened as they piece it together for themselves I'm sure. Don't cover up for your husband by lying to them though. I can't express enough how fortunate you are to be free of this man. All good luck for the future, OP, you sound like you're on your way to a much better place.

Epidote · 06/09/2023 12:42

They are teens, they can choose if the want to be with you and when. He can't stop them to visit you, expend time with you or even go to live with you.

Remind them the above, it will help them not only to see the reality also it will give them reassurance to not comply with his commandments.

Glad to hear that you are feeling better after a tough time and all the strength for you and your kids.

jannier · 06/09/2023 12:42

Step back treat her like a new woman with no history in time your ex will either be a model partner and father with her or revert to the abuser he was but your children will see that themselves as they grow. Be happy he's no longer your abusive pain in the arse and be a non judgemental ear for your kids.

Epidote · 06/09/2023 12:43

Forgot to mentioned do not cover what he has done and forget about OW she is not a good person neither.

Janieforever · 06/09/2023 12:52

As much as it hurts, her position has changed, she’s no longer the ow, she’s now the only woman and his current partner. I understand you will always see her as the ow though, as she once was, but she is his partner now.

as you’ve introduced your kids to your partner, I don’t think it’s reasonable to try to make your kids take sides and not meet her, it is his and their decision.

id focus on your continual recovery and less on them.

Fairymcclary · 06/09/2023 12:57

I am sorry this has happened to you. Have you read any books on the subject - cheating in a nutshell explains your reaction very well. It’s based on many real life examples and may help you further.

Sadly cheating is portrayed as a Romeo and Juliet scenario in films, Tv and literature. People blame the marriage - which is wrong - if not everyone would cheat who didn’t have their ‘needs’ met. I don’t cheat for ME not my husband. I don’t cheat because that was my vow and my integrity matters to ME firstly. I said I would be faithful and I stick to my word. If I’m unhappy I have three choices 1) put up with it and be unhappy. 2) talk to husband. 3) leave.
Shagging another person will not improve my marriage. Just like burning down my house is an excessive way to repair a loose tile. Cheating is for the cheater, they blame the marriage be abuse they lack communication skills or hate conflict or like people to blow smoke up their arse etc.

Cheating betrays me first and I don’t want to look at a shitbag as a brush my teeth each day!

You can get a form if ptsd from cheating PISD - you may find EMDR therapy helps. Also the book the body keeps the score. If you leave them in the house your older child may read them. As an 18 year old (assuming that is the age of your eldest) I would have preferred to have it explained (maybe with a counsellor) what you went through and how it affected you. It wasn’t the kids fault and it wasn’t your fault - people don’t realise how betrayal can affect a person. I am sorry you were affected this way. I wish you all the best for your future.

Swipe left for the next trending thread