Husband to introduce mistress to teen DC's

[RestartingLife]

Long story short. Husband had an affair with another married woman which was going on for months before her husband tracked me down and enlightened me. When confronted with it he was extremely remorseful and for some nonsensical reason I agreed to make a go of saving our 22 year relationship. In the weeks and months after this he continued behaviour towards me which had been going on for a long time but escalated it, such as gaslighting, silent treatment, complete disinterest. I didn't want our teenagers knowing what he'd done as I knew it would hurt them and thought I was strong enough. No. I broke. Turning to alcohol, depression thoroughly set in and i went into conplete self destruct. Lost my job, he took the DC's as and turned them against me when he left. He called me drunk out of his head one night when he was away screaming down the phone that it was over calling me a shit wife, shit mother and generally a shit human. The next night , alone, no DC's around either, I had a mental break and attempted to take my own life and failed. This was all the ammo he needed to turn our very few friends and my sisters overseas against me. After 3 months in the hell of total solitude I finally told a friend (male) when he got in touch again, he's an ex colleague. He has been a shining light for me in all the darkness. A few months on and I'm feeling more like me and can see a future after therapy, medication, rebuilding trust with my DC's, getting a new job etc. He has not stopped attacking me from afar through various methods but the one which I find most disagreeable is his weaponising my youngest. He's effectively moved his emotional abuse to her slating me to her as she wants to be with me alot more now. When he left he left me financially destitute refusing to pay towards the mortgage or other joint things. This has now impacted my credit file as I've had to continue paying a hefty mortgage alone. There is so much more but this pist is long enough.

Reason for post - he has just now told our teen DC's that he is seeing the woman he had the affair with (after he convinced them that he didnt have an affair and that hed just been 'texting and chatting' with this woman). He is to take them to meet her. They seem to want to go as they don't want to upset him. I am very careful not to speak negatively to them about their dad and now this woman, they get enough from him about me and its not fair on them, i can see that theyre hurting enough and the eldest is about to go off to uni so I want to focus on that with them for them as its a HUGE step in their little life...AIBU to not want them to want to meet this woman and form a relationship with her and to want them to realise the impact of their dads actions with this woman on all our lives?

NOT TO BE USED IN ANY NEWSPAPER

Of course you won't be able to stop.them meeting her.

However, they're teens, not babies.

They deserve the truth. Especially if he is rewriting history.

You don't need to slag him off or call him names.

Deal with him as you would with any toxic person In their lives. Ie say 'that's unkind" "that's manipulative" "have you leaned about bullying at school?". "How do you feel about that"?

Don't pretend his behaviour to them is ok

Acknowledge that it isn't. Support them to deal with him.

These will be very difficult times, but they won't go on forever. I know this sounds trite, but it is true. My XH did a variation on this. It was difficult for a few years. He remarried, with obscene haste. A little more than 10 yrs later, it is plainly obvious he is not happy. New wife turned out to just as human as old wife, and all the things in fantasy life without Spongewife haven't happened. He spends much time keeping out of the way, visiting adult DD a couple of hundred miles away and even extended periods with the old trout exmil. Do I feel sorry for him? Course not. You reap as you sow. I feel sorry for current wife, who was hoodwinked, not the same as your situation in that respect. I think the essence of what I'm saying, is karma is a bitch. Play the long game, be as dignified as you can. His chickens may well come home to roost, if you just give it long enough.

For now, it stinks. You'll come out the other side, be stronger, and never put up with this kind of stuff again. Your DC will draw their own conclusions. Good luck @RestartingLife

I mean this kindly but you need to focus on relationship with your dc. It sounds like it has broken down during your mental health crisis. Ignore the other woman and concentrate on your dc.

I totally understand your feelings. Life's so unfair. You are entitled to be furious. That said, I don't think you can stop them meeting her.

Your teens will know the truth and make their own choices in the future. I would not start a fight just before uni. Walk away with dignity.

You are entitled to detest your husband, though.

So many thoughts.

Poor you OP. Sounds terrible. I am glad you are getting the help you need.

His behaviour is terrible and inexcusable. BUT you are not with him any more. Don't let him hurt you. You are shot of him.

However. His relationship with his children is his and theirs and not yours. Especially as you are not with him any more. I know many children of divorced parents. In fact most of my friends and family, so I've seen it done all ways. I would say ABSOLUTELY ZERO percent of the time when one parent has tried to ban or control meetings with the other parent or their new partner has this worked out well. Zero. What happens always is the kids end up blaming the parent who has put in place the rules around who they can and cannot meet, which is ironic as usually that parent is the victim parent so they just end up doubly screwed being blamed by their kids too.

Literally the only way to keep your kids happy and healthy is to be supportive, remind them their dad loves them, make sure they are in touch with their own boundaries (able to make decisions around who they do and don't like, who they want to spend time with) and take it from there.

It sucks as you are the victim, but your kids will need their own agency in this.

💖

Your fury is merited but will have no impact on anything, op. It's hard but you have to somehow shrug and leave him to it. Don't invest your energy in it. You've wasted enough time on him, draw a line and try to let go.

Your kids will be smart enough to make up their own minds.

you have been through hell OP.
I have been through something similar if not quite so bad.

My only advice is to be very very kind to yourself. And expect/bear in mind the following;

• you will have to put up with a lot more shit from your ex husband
• the UK family courts (whatever the newspapers say) will probably take his side (unless there is already a track record including a formal referral to police for either domestic violence against you by your ex husband or sexual abuse or physical violence by your ex husband against your children which is already on the police record). The courts in England and Wales will ensure your ex husband gets a clean break financially and will give him what he wants to start a new life including start a new family with this woman if that is what he wants. Please be prepared for that
• the UK family courts will facilitate and even encourage your own children to meet this new woman.
• the UK family courts will not necessarily give you the financial means to carry on as you are (you say he is already not paying the mortgage and the courts will sanction that) if you do not have a job, get one asap or if you have one get a better one.

The only silver lining is that it is very very likely that some or all of your children will eventually have no contact with their father. Once they are adults there is nothing the family court in the UK can do about that. Just hold on for that day. In the meantime your kids need you so be there for them. Sending hugs. xx

Can you get legal advice on the financial matters. Let your kids meet this other woman. She is nothing to them as you are their mum. Tell your ds that you’ll be coming up to meet him at uni for lunches and walks around the place. For the both of your ds keep on listening and being there as you are. You are a survivor. You have great kids. Tell your ex ok the kids can meet the woman he cheated with. She’s a cheater as well. They sound nasty. I wonder how long it will last - in fact who cares. You are doing well and keep moving forward.

I don't think it's a battle you should take on right now and look after your MH is the priority atm OP. Bide your time, sort out the clean break divorce and get what money your owed from him, get proper representation it'll pay off in the long run.

Let them meet her and tbh you can't really stop it atm given their age but once this is done let them know your side of what happened at least once and then its upto them re contact with her and how they react to him. I'd keep it very fact based , dad had affair with her, she broke marriage up, drove me to point I was, yes I'm good now but juet though you should know. And then leave it at that. But only after you've done your clean break divorce etc as it's just going to be too much for you atm.

I could not agree more, I would never try and keep DC's apart from their dad, they love him and that would damage him. I endured that myself as a child and its always the child(ren) who suffer for it. 💖

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. However, I think you need to explain to your DC what happened. Why should your ex get away with having them think he’s done nothing wrong? As far as they’re concerned, you lost the plot, had a breakdown and started drinking for no reason.

i know you think you’re protecting them but you’re not really. You’re letting your ex turn them against you and that’s not good for them. They need to know that their mum is a good person.

They know. Far more than they are letting on. My mum was always dignified, never said anything mean about my dad to me, never even criticised his affair partner. I realised from about 16 -17 what he was like and I really respect my mum for her attitude towards him.

The affair partner was awful always slagging off my mum and even following her around a supermarket until mum told her if she was still behind her when she left, she'd run her over 😆 but my mum never retaliated in kind.

Your kids sound like they're taking your lead on it. Dignified. Be polite, be classy, no need to join your dh and his tart in the gutter. Sounds like you've brought them up right.

This is cruel, uncalled for, and totally irrelevant to what the OP is asking. She’s opened up and been painfully honest about turning to alcohol, depression and attempted suicide, and instead of posting with advice, you did so for no other reason than to put the boot in with your own nasty spin on things. This man blew the marriage apart and then asked for a reconciliation, during which he was clearly still carrying on the affair, and making the OP’s life miserable with his behaviour, until she broke. Then he left leaving her in financial trouble. Not satisfied with that he took the children and then lied to them about the affair and badmouthed OP to them at every opportunity - something that the OP has resisted. In what world is her behaviour more damaging than his ? Can any of us put hand on heart and say how we would react in the same circumstances ?

The OP has a new partner, and her children have met him. And it may be inevitable that the ex’s partner meets OP’s children, but that doesn’t mean she has to like it.

What an awful situation you have been through, especially your children.

They have gone from having 2 parents together, to you splitting up, their mum becoming an alcoholic and attempt suicide. And now they are pulled in yet another direction with meeting the OW. Poor, poor kids.

As hard as it is, keep schum. Be the mother they now need, stop wallowing (sorry - I know this sounds harsh, but you need to be told imo as it is easy to do with all that you have been through) and focus on helping them to build their trust in you again.

Why do so many people believe they are protecting their dc by failing to tell them the truth? It is not protection it is lying. And it always leads to resentment - not gratitude. Age appropriate by all means but the truth. They can then decide for themselves. They don't have to shun one parent
They can be free to maintain relationships. But tell them the truth

This is really hard, I’ve been through it. You have to dig really deep. Don’t let him or anyone destroy you. Your children will make their own minds up about people. Don’t engage with your ex on anything emotional. Keep it factual. You can’t stop your children from meeting their dads new partner, he’s going to do it anyway (I DO know how hard this is). Concentrate of your life and your well-being and obviously that of your children. Please believe me that time will heal all of this. I wouldn’t have believed it when it happened to me but it’s true. The Runaway Husbands book, website and private Facebook group helped me enormously. https://www.runawayhusbands.com/

I agree with this. You've been through hell, they've been through worse. Like you said, it's always the child that suffers in the end, in these situations.

You've already done so much to turn this around for you and your kids, and this is one more thing, and you can do it. Unfair and soul-crushing as it may feel, she's not a mistress any more, she's his partner, and the best outcome will be if you stay detached from all this and rise above and move on. You can't determine what he and she do, and if the kids feel torn and guilty it will likely only lead to more damage to your and their relationship, as well as their and your mental health.

As you've a partner of your own, that will hopefully help, not least because with any luck you've actually got someone better now to move on with.

I absolutely understand how you feel, but think about it this way. Your ex is a horrible individual, maybe even narcissic? He might have used all this charm to seduce this woman, telling her how bad his relationship with you was, etc. She might as well be a nice but very naive person and thinks that he was separating with you anyway (thats what many married men tell the lovers apparently). Just saying that it was his decision to cheat, the fact that she was the lover doesnt . does mean that she knows what she was getting into. If that makes you feel better, remember what this guy put you through and feel pity for this next woman. He cant be vile with you and nice and mature with someone else.

Like others said, being there for your children is the best thing you can do.
If they are teenagers, they probably wont bond with her all that much even if shes nice. And if shes not nice and the father is manipulative, it will bring them closer to you.

Concentrate on bringing your life back together and I really wish you can find happiness!

I’ve had this with my Ex and also my father, both cheated and were pretty selfish.

I’d say be somewhere in the middle. Don’t pretend it’s all fine for the kids, but also do treat them like kids in that they need protecting by you. With that I mean, let them meet this woman as you have no say in this, and really put the focus on them in a very open way. You will have your own feelings - talk to friends and therapists. But believe me, children will have too, and it probably won’t come out for years.

Encourage your kids to be themselves and be able to say no or express themselves. Encourage them to be confident in choosing the right partner for themselves.

So I’d say if these were my kids:
“I can’t pretend it’s easy for me, your father, our relationship and another woman. But I’m working on it with therapy and feeling much more confident. I hope that I’m being a better parent to you.
So I just want you to know, you don’t have to walk on eggshells around my feelings. You may like this woman, you may not, you may feel somewhere in between and that’s all fine. You don’t have to hide things but also you don’t have to tell me things either. But if you do have feelings about your Dad, or me or anything you can always talk to other trusted people about it like your friends, or other family. We’ve all been through a break up and that includes you so just know I can support you, you don’t need to support me as I’m getting help.”

How can you say that, after what this lady has been through???!!

OP please ignore the posters on this thread who make it their business to judge you or try to shame you.
They have not been through what you have been through. You are doing great. Ignore them.

I think that you YABU I'm afraid

She's not his 'mistress', it seems that she is now his new partner. You are no longer in a relationship.

I know that it must be really tough on you, but he's their father at the end of the day, and if he's serious about this new women (which it seems like he is), then they will have to meet her at some point.

There's always dickish comments on this forum - ignore them. They're not nice people.

I'm personally appalled at what that bastard has put you through, and applaud your strength in coming back from it.

Your kids will see him for what he is, in the end. As for the cow he's about to introduce them to (and sadly there isn't anything you can do to prevent him) - what a prize she's won herself!!

Glad to know you've found some personal happiness too. Take care x

Would you be happy about the woman who was instrumental in this horrible situation spending time with your children???

Of course OP can't stop it, but she's perfectly entitled to her feelings!