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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why she wants to go to the funeral

114 replies

Kraemerz · 04/09/2023 17:42

My DM has invited herself to the funeral of DMiL which is in 4 days time. She didn’t ask me or my dh if it was ok that she come she just said she’d see us there. For context my DM has probably spoken to my DMIL ten times in the 20+ years that me and my DH have been together. However it’s the fact that I asked my DM for help (for my DMiL) a few weeks ago and even though my mum could help she said no and now expects to come to the funeral is what is boiling my piss.

I also don’t have the kind of relationship with my DM where I feel comfortable crying in front of her so that’s another reason I don’t want her there. My older two adult kids also don’t want her there although they said it’s ok but you can tell they’re not comfortable with it. I know she doesn’t need permission to go to the funeral but AIBU to think she should have at least asked us if it was ok out of courtesy?

OP posts:
Iwantmyoldnameback · 04/09/2023 17:45

Sounds like a weird form of FOMO.

sesquipedalian · 04/09/2023 17:46

Difficult one. A funeral is a public event, so in theory, anyone who knew the deceased could come. Perhaps your DM feels bad about not helping and thinks going to the funeral shows a mark of respect? Or perhaps she feels it’s support for you and your DH. If your DM has decided she’s going to come, I would accept it with as good a grace as you can muster (easier said than done) because you don’t want a massive falling-out over it.

MairzyDoats · 04/09/2023 17:47

A lot of people feel they should attend funerals because they will 'look bad' if they don't. It may be that she feels she should be there because it's the done thing, and that she'll be judged for not being supportive if she's absent. Which is ironic really...

AuntieJoyce · 04/09/2023 17:48

If this is the wheelchair borrowing saga YANBU. Sorry about your MIL. Flowers

Mumof2teens79 · 04/09/2023 17:49

I see what you're saying.
When my FIL passed we didn't expect many people at the funeral but my family and lots of DH friends came, to support DH, not because they knew FIL.

But....if you aren't that close to your DM, and she hasn't been supportive I understand why it seems insincere. Try not to let it get to you.
Do you have a friend or relative that could come, just to "babysit" your DM?

Original poster
Kraemerz · 04/09/2023 17:49

See I don’t want anyone to attend my funeral out of guilt. In fact I’ve already told my husband that I I go first I only want people at my funeral who were in my life. No one else whatsoever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kraemerz · 04/09/2023 17:50

It is the wheelchair borrowing saga yes.

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 04/09/2023 17:50

Could you ask her why she is going because a couple of weeks ago she was unwilling to help you/MIL?

Original poster
Kraemerz · 04/09/2023 17:51

It’s very insincere and superficial and I’m the complete opposite of that as a person so it grates on me.

OP posts:
papasmurfdontpreach · 04/09/2023 17:51

My mum is like this. When my exH's mum died she was mightily pissed off I hadn't invited her. Despite the fact that at the time ex and I were separated, I hadn't spoken to my MIL in years, wasn't going to the funeral myself, and my mum had met her maybe once. I agree with a pp it's like a form of FOMO, but with my mum it's also part of her narc traits - she wants the attention from other people when she says she's going/been at a funeral.

Mumof2teens79 · 04/09/2023 17:52

Kraemerz · 04/09/2023 17:49

See I don’t want anyone to attend my funeral out of guilt. In fact I’ve already told my husband that I I go first I only want people at my funeral who were in my life. No one else whatsoever.

I wouldn't want anyone there that I didn't get on with, or had been unfair to me, but would be happy with people I wasn't close to, but were there to support my close family and friends. A funeral is for those left behind, not for the deceased.

Original poster
Kraemerz · 04/09/2023 17:52

I couldn’t ask her that as she cannot cope with direct questions. She becomes very defensive and plays the victim which in turn infuriates me.

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 04/09/2023 17:55

Well she knows your dh for a good many years so is probably going out of respect to him which where l come from would be very regular. Sometimes if she didn't go you or your dh might be upset. I know there is the wheel chair incident but l think you have to just ignore her as much as you can and dh can thank her for coming.

Greyfoot · 04/09/2023 17:58

I think on normal circumstances it would be usual to pay respects at the funeral of an extended family member you don't see much if. My parents went to DSis MILs funeral. They weren't close and met only every few years at events at DSis' House, but still normal to go and show support to the family IMO.

Your relationships sound different though.

Fwiw, I don't think an "invitation" to a funeral is really a thing. Usually the funeral is announced publically and open to anyone. I know that changed during covid, but normally you don't need an invitation.

saraclara · 04/09/2023 17:59

It's absolutely normal to attend the funeral of your child's parent in law. She's doing nothing unusual or 'wrong' in that. I can see why you don't want her there though.

crochetmylifeaway · 04/09/2023 18:01

It's a mark of respect.

My FIL attended my grandmothers funeral despite having only met her once.

It was to show support to my family also.

FloweryName · 04/09/2023 18:05

It’s understandable that you don’t want her there if you don’t have a good relationship with her and it will make a difficult day even harder for you, but it’s not unusual for in-laws to go to each others funerals, especially if they’re local. There have been posts on here in the past from people who are offended that their parent isn’t going to their in laws funeral or their in law isn’t going to their parents’.

jallopeno · 04/09/2023 18:07

Tell her your partner doesn't want her there?

Jellycatspyjamas · 04/09/2023 18:08

Where I am is very usual for extended family and friends of the bereaved to attend the funeral, I’ve supported friends at funerals where I didn’t know the deceased but as a mark of respect for my friends loss. Even with distant relatives there would be an expectation that each branch of the family would be represented (usually by one of the men in the family but that sexist bollocks has passed thank god).

You might prefer her not to be there but it’s a public occasion and one where I’d expect people to set aside their annoyances with each other.

Summerslimtime · 04/09/2023 18:10

I think I'd have to go with: they only want immediate family there.

Also: you couldn't even lend her the fucking wheelchair last week to enjoy her last moments, so it feels a bit off...

Birdie8989 · 04/09/2023 18:12

Is she wanting to be there as a support for you? I went to a funeral once of my grandmother in law - saw her only a few times in my lifetime and wasn't personally affected by her death. My aunt even asked me why I had attended. But I knew my dad was struggling with the whole thing and wanted to be there as a support. He also isn't massively social but was expected to 'host' the wake which I knew he would find tricky so felt I could take a weight off by talking to others there. Turns out my aunt felt exactly the same as me and had gone for the sake of my dad too

ToastyCrumpets · 04/09/2023 18:13

I’m assuming there’s a lot of backstory here?

I think it’s very usual for her to want to attend. My mother’s family definitely attended funerals for my father’s family and vice versa, despite not knowing each other well.

I can’t imagine asking for permission to go to a funeral, really - I see them as pretty much public events.

ThinWomansBrain · 04/09/2023 18:13

just ignore her on the day and the rest of the time

Fluffygoon · 04/09/2023 18:14

How’s she getting to the funeral? If she’s expecting you to pick her up you could say you’re not able to, make it difficult and it may put her off.

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 04/09/2023 18:15

The last but one funeral I went to, I had met the deceased once. I knew several of his family members very well and went to show respect and support for them.

I hope no one was thinking ‘what’s she doing here, she barely knew him’ the way some people on this thread are suggesting. It never occurred to me people might take it that way at the time.

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