To not understand why she wants to go to the funeral

[Kraemerz]

My DM has invited herself to the funeral of DMiL which is in 4 days time. She didn’t ask me or my dh if it was ok that she come she just said she’d see us there. For context my DM has probably spoken to my DMIL ten times in the 20+ years that me and my DH have been together. However it’s the fact that I asked my DM for help (for my DMiL) a few weeks ago and even though my mum could help she said no and now expects to come to the funeral is what is boiling my piss.

I also don’t have the kind of relationship with my DM where I feel comfortable crying in front of her so that’s another reason I don’t want her there. My older two adult kids also don’t want her there although they said it’s ok but you can tell they’re not comfortable with it. I know she doesn’t need permission to go to the funeral but AIBU to think she should have at least asked us if it was ok out of courtesy?

In my family its very usual for inlaws to show respects etc and indeed I'd normally turn up to the funeral of a person I'd known, even if not.close for as long as 20 years.

BUT they key fact is these people very much aren't involved. They turn up, stay back, stay out of the way of the direct family and perhaps attend any post gathering but only briefly and/ or make themselves useful ferrying lifts or such.

It sounds as though her expectations are very much being hosted.

That's good but you need to let this issue go because all people will remember about the funeral will be your efforts to ban your DM. I am being sincere here. Condolences for your loss

Tell her the wrong details. Or the wrong church.

What a horrible attitude tbh

Possibly also a generational thing? My peers and I are much less likely to (and actually probably wouldn't) go to the funeral of someone not seen for a long time because it feels wrong.

My mum would drive to the other side of the country for a funeral of an old school friend because it's the done thing, in her book.

Or as pp said, if she's awkward then it's a weird FOMO.

You have to decide whether it's more important to have it out with her over it, and be able to grieve as you and your DC wish, or keep the peace.

I think it's really disrespectful to go to the funeral of someone you don't really know. Why would she go to your mil funeral? Were they friends? Do you all live locally to where you grew up? It just seems a very odd thing to do as usually parents and pil live in different places.

My cousin's MIL and SIL attended my Nan's funeral despite not knowing her too well. The MIL and my Nan would exchange Christmas cards but that was about it

It was nice though, they came to pay their respects and to support Cousin in law.

I think it’s actually pretty normal for a parent to go to the funeral for their child’s inlaw/ spouse’s parent! It’s really not as weird as you are implying. You have been married for a long time and she’s trying to support you,
your husband and your children.

I was angry that some people were intending to come to my parent’s funeral even though they’d never met them. Apparently they were Irish catholics and it was the done thing. But I still objected (even though they could still have turned up as it was a church service) because it just seemed so inappropriate and weird - they were virtual strangers (parents of a distance cousin’s boyfriend).

So I understand the frustration but this is different. This is entirely appropriate and perfectly normal. She is acquainted by marriage and it’s showing respect to your husband if not the deceased. I think making this all about you and whatever issues you have with her is disrespectful and distracting.

A lot of people go to a funeral for the buffet afterwards like Nana in The Royle Family.

I think it's respectful to go and support the family or friends or go and say goodbye to someone you once knew and sadly lost touch with

I am Irish. We go to funerals for neighbours, very good friends grannys, all friend's parents, etc. So I may well be biased. But for me, the absence of your mother at your mil's funeral would be v weird.

So weird to me! It feels cold and horrible. I have been to work colleagues parent's funerals, to old teachers, it is a way of respecting a whole family and whether or not you met the deceased is irrelevant.

I would tell her that your husband was so upset that she wouldn't help his mum in her dying days that he doesn't want her to go to the funeral as it wouldn't be sincere.

I have attended the funerals of friends and work colleagues parents I have never met. It is traditional and completely normal to do this to show support for the bereaved.

Work colleagues, friends and some of dh's family attended my dads funeral to show their support. Attending the funeral of a son in laws parent is not at all unusual, it would be seen as more usual not to attend. Trying to control attendance at a funeral is very unusual.

Sorry for your loss.

Get a couple of friends to manage her at the funeral - to keep her away from family, ensure she isn’t allowed to join entorage / any memorial or events afterwards. Some people have no shame.

I can''t believe what I'm reading.

Funerals in the UK must often be very sparsely attended. I've never felt, should I go, will I wonder if they feel I have the right to go? If I feel I want to show my respects, I go.

I went to my friend's Dad's funeral a few weeks ago. I'd never met him. I went to show my friend I respected her loss. I saw her grief.

I don't get this attitude of being ''angered'' distant cousins might want to attend.

I would find it odd if my DM didn't go to my MIL's funeral, not that I would judge, but people here generally go to the funerals of their family's relations, and I've never heard of anyone asking permission to go to a funeral.

As for her planning to go "boiling your piss", that is extremely weird. Only on MN have I seen all this nonsense about not wanting people to go to funerals - most people are grateful to those who make the effort to turn up. They plan a funeral and people turn up - end of. None of this trying to police who attends. Bizarre indeed.

I think in general it would be normal. My in laws came to my dads funeral, but they hadn't refused to help out so it's a different situation.

Not sure what you can do other than maybe tell her it's a small close family funeral only?

Exactly this. I'm not in Ireland, but it is the same here. You go to the funerals of people you know, or the close relatives of people you know. A man came into work once and told me he was on the way to the funeral of the mother of the woman he dealt with at the bank. Not for a moment did I think that was odd.

I've never heard of going to someone you don't knows funeral in England.

It’s not rude if they have some connection to the deceased or his / her family. Some churches even see it as polite for church members who don’t know either to show up if they think there may be a low turnout. You may not like it but that’s not the same thing.

Obviously if the family says ‘family only’, that’s different. Even then, chances are one or more people won’t get the message and will show up anyway.

It sounds like there is a massive backstory with your mother but as a stand alone question, the answer to ‘AIBU to think my mother should have asked for permission’ is that yes, bearing in mind current funeral etiquette, you are being unreasonable. If you don’t want her there, since that goes against the commonly understood rule that distant connections of the deceased may attend to show respect / support the family members they do know, I think it’s for you to raise the subject.

I'm in England and have heard of it plenty of times...

She doesn’t have to ask. Just make sure you spend your time supporting your in laws, not talking to her.