To not understand why she wants to go to the funeral

[Kraemerz]

My DM has invited herself to the funeral of DMiL which is in 4 days time. She didn’t ask me or my dh if it was ok that she come she just said she’d see us there. For context my DM has probably spoken to my DMIL ten times in the 20+ years that me and my DH have been together. However it’s the fact that I asked my DM for help (for my DMiL) a few weeks ago and even though my mum could help she said no and now expects to come to the funeral is what is boiling my piss.

I also don’t have the kind of relationship with my DM where I feel comfortable crying in front of her so that’s another reason I don’t want her there. My older two adult kids also don’t want her there although they said it’s ok but you can tell they’re not comfortable with it. I know she doesn’t need permission to go to the funeral but AIBU to think she should have at least asked us if it was ok out of courtesy?

I dont think it's unusual for her to want to go. My SIL family came to my Dad's funeral & my Mum went to my brothers MILs. None of them were close, but they went as a sign of respect & support for the family.

Unless you can dissuade her by saying it's immediate family only you're probably going to have to just put up with her being there

I would fib and said your husband wants only those close to his mum to attend.

Describe her to the usher / undertaker and tell them to direct her to a seat at the back.

My sister's inlaws came to my dad's funeral and they only met them a few times a year and were not close. I thought it was lovely they made the effort, despite living 200 miles away.

My mil and fil (divorced) both attended my df and dm funerals. They were paying respects to the other grandparents and my in laws love me so wanted to support me.

I can't imagine ever asking someone why they're at a funeral. I'm more likely to notice who isn't there that I'd have assumed would be. Don't know your back story but you can't control who goes to a funeral - even your own.

When our dad died, my siblings and I were emphatic that we wanted only the people there that we wanted.

No people there that were not close to us or there to gawp and then enjoy the hospitality.

In many cultures attending funerals is quite usual even if you hardly know the person. Irish and Italian Catholics for example. I have been to many funerals of friends' parents that I have never met.

I recall the wheelchair loan request incident OP and would feel obliged to ask DM if she's attending MIL funeral out of a sense of guilt as she refused to offer a helping hand when she was alive?

Of course she's going, it would be very poor form of her not to.

Are you planning on having a private service, @Kraemerz ? I'm (lapsed) Catholic and there are attendees at Catholic masses who don't even have a scooby there was a funeral on - they just go to get their daily communion and happen upon a funeral. That's the nature of a public service.

I don't think there's anything unusual about going to the funeral of an acquaintance who's related to you by marriage to show respect. This is perfectly common and unremarkable. You obviously have a difficult relationship with your mother and I can well understand feeling uneasy at the thought of crying in front of her, but I don't agree that she should have ran it by you first.

It's this. That is all.

When people get older a funeral is an opportunity to meet people they may not have seen for years.
My DGM regarded a funeral as a social occasion, a chance to catch up with old friends that were gradually dwindling in number.
Also a chance to weep copiously in public. An opportunity to bring out the lace edged hankies, kept for such occasions.

I can't believe some of the response about banning people from funerals tbh. Funerals can often bring old friends etc out who happen to have seen the announcement. It's entirely possible you won't know everyone there

DM might feel guilty. She might be doing it for show. She might genuinely just want to pay her respects

You have no right to dictate that your DM doesn't attend the funeral but I come from a different culture to you (probably).

Firstly, sorry for your loss. I remember your last thread.

It would be fairly normal for people to attend their children's inlaw funerals.

However, I think in your Moms case she is just trying to make herself look good in front of people and not there to offer support. If there are ushers could you describe her and ask that she get seated at the back.

Funerals are for anyone who wants to attend. It’s so lovely for the bereaved when there’s a huge turn-out, and lots of people go to the service but not to the gathering afterwards. I was a Macmillan nurse and went to a LOT of funeral services, it put that patient to bed, as it were, for me. I find funerals strangely life-affirming, and always cry copiously, whoever they were to me.

Ridiculous. That would just cause an almighty fuss.

Haven’t seen your other thread and you obviously have a tricky relationship with her.

My dad came to my then FIL’s funeral and the two of them had never met. He didn’t ask exDH or me, just said he’d be there and drove hundreds of miles on a flying visit back to the U.K. to show his respects and offer us his support. It wasn’t weird, it meant a lot to both of us.

Are funerals invitation only? Where I'm from funerals are open to everyone to attend. It is normal for neighbours, in laws, friends of friends to go as a mark of respect.

They’re not no but in my opinion they should be. I think it’s rude for people to rock up to a funeral when they haven’t had anything to do with the deceased for years or even worse they didn’t know at all.

You need to let this go. It's none of your business. I can't imagine me having anything to do with arranging my late MIL's funeral

My dh, DSiL and DBiL have included me in the planning of DMIL funeral they insisted actually and I had no issue with this as it’s nice they want my support.

My in-laws attended my mum’s funeral. I’d have been upset if they hadn’t. It’s a mark of respect. Some of my children’s friends attended both my husband’s funeral and my mum’s funeral. They were there to support my sons. Funerals are for the surviving family and friends.

I'm Irish and this is entirely normal here. It's the respectful thing to do. She's going to the funeral of her son in law's mother. how could she not go