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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why she wants to go to the funeral

114 replies

Kraemerz · 04/09/2023 17:42

My DM has invited herself to the funeral of DMiL which is in 4 days time. She didn’t ask me or my dh if it was ok that she come she just said she’d see us there. For context my DM has probably spoken to my DMIL ten times in the 20+ years that me and my DH have been together. However it’s the fact that I asked my DM for help (for my DMiL) a few weeks ago and even though my mum could help she said no and now expects to come to the funeral is what is boiling my piss.

I also don’t have the kind of relationship with my DM where I feel comfortable crying in front of her so that’s another reason I don’t want her there. My older two adult kids also don’t want her there although they said it’s ok but you can tell they’re not comfortable with it. I know she doesn’t need permission to go to the funeral but AIBU to think she should have at least asked us if it was ok out of courtesy?

OP posts:
whathappenedtosummer23 · 04/09/2023 21:38

It’s pretty normal behaviour. It would be more unusual if she didn’t come

CurlewKate · 04/09/2023 21:40

@Kraemerz "be. I think it’s rude for people to rock up to a funeral when they haven’t had anything to do with the deceased for years or even worse they didn’t know at all"
It's not often that someone is unequivocally wrong-but in this case you are!

Ineedasitdown · 04/09/2023 21:48

so Im Irish background and have been to a few funerals of people I don't know.
However, I would be going to support the person I do know. I think its very bad form for someone to go to a funeral knowing they will upset the close relatives there. I've seen funerals used as an opportunity to cause a bit of drama a fair few times. Its not always a benign act.

I think on the back of not being supportive when dmil was alive it is unreasonable to go.

UsingChangeofName · 04/09/2023 22:25

Greyfoot · 04/09/2023 17:58

I think on normal circumstances it would be usual to pay respects at the funeral of an extended family member you don't see much if. My parents went to DSis MILs funeral. They weren't close and met only every few years at events at DSis' House, but still normal to go and show support to the family IMO.

Your relationships sound different though.

Fwiw, I don't think an "invitation" to a funeral is really a thing. Usually the funeral is announced publically and open to anyone. I know that changed during covid, but normally you don't need an invitation.

This.

In terms of the question you are asking on this thread, YABVU.
It isn't down to you to dictate who does or doesn't go to anyone's funeral.
If people feel they want to go to someone's funeral, then that is up to them. You don't 'invite' people to funerals, they are open to whoever feels they need to go.

I mean, clearly you've got a difficult relationship with her and people are referring to other threads, so there is clearly a back story BUT most posters can only answer the question that is there, not memorise other things described.

ColleenDonaghy · 05/09/2023 08:10

Boomboom22 · 04/09/2023 21:25

I've never heard of going to someone you don't knows funeral in England.

But you'd go to a close friend's parent's funeral surely, for example?

2chocolateoranges · 05/09/2023 08:14

I think it’s perfectly normal of the daughter in law or Son in laws parents to go to the funeral.

my mum went to my fil and mil’s funeral and my sister in laws mum, dad and sister all went to it too. Isn’t that what families do, support each other.

they only saw each other and birthdays or parties.

it’s called showing support and respect.

TheMerryWidow1 · 05/09/2023 08:35

I remember your other thread and thought her behaviour was awful and petty. If you don’t want her there one of you is going to have to say something. Sorry for your loss.

TheNoodlesIncident · 05/09/2023 08:50

While there's nothing out of the ordinary for people to go to the funerals of people they didn't really know - usually because it feels right they should, or they want to help support the bereaved, or other well-meaning reason - in this case there is a backstory of your mum being unhelpful to the deceased and unsupportive to you/your DH.

I can understand why you would feel that it's inappropriate that she will be there. I would have found it harder to bear my in-laws' funerals if there had been people present who were there for self-centred reasons (ie to try to focus attention on themselves) rather than showing respect to the dead or support for the grieving.

I don't think you can stop her attending but I would blank her out as much as possible, and focus on being there for your DH. Behave with dignity throughout, even if your mother doesn't.

MyGardensAMess · 05/09/2023 08:54

I think it's normal. Families go to show support for each other. If my sonIL's mother died, I'd go to the funeral in a show of support for him, because I care about him. Just as my daughter's MIL came to a close family funeral to show support for her. That's what families do. If he doesn't want your mother there he can say, but that would be a bit mean.

PurBal · 05/09/2023 08:55

Tbh I think it would be weird for her not to go. My mum and my SIL parents both attended my late FIL funeral. And neither of us were married to his sons at the time.

I have been to numerous funerals where I didn’t know the deceased. The last one was the father of DH best friend. I went for the friend, so he knew he had friends around him. Funerals are for the living not the dead.

Lengokengo · 05/09/2023 09:04

I think if you had a narc mum, and people are replying on the basis of a normal mum, a lot of the answers won’t make much sense to your situation.

As a funeral is a public event, you can’t control whether she is there or not (unless she needs a lift etc.) I know what you mean about crying etc, that is harder for you. I think you are best mentally accepting that she has (for whatever incomprehensible reason) chosen to go. On the day acknowledge her presence, then leave her to it. Try not to engage or analyse too much as this will make you more upset. Detach.

Xrays · 05/09/2023 09:12

I find the whole funeral etiquette on Mumsnet odd. There is no way I’d publicly announce a funeral and I’d be really annoyed if someone who didn’t have much to do with someone when they were alive just decided to invite themselves along. Personally if you didn’t want your Mum there I just wouldn’t have told her when it was or say you haven’t made arrangements yet and then let it happen and whoops no one told her. Tough. 🤷‍♀️

Thats what we did when my Mum died. We had a direct cremation for her, some people came out of the woodwork persistently asking when the funeral was (my Dad, who she divorced when I was 13 and hadn’t spoken to properly in 30 years and my ex Mil and ex fil who seemed to think it was just etiquette to go even though they would barely speak to her). I made the decision that we would just scatter her ashes privately, me, dh and the two dc. Whenever anyone asked about a funeral I just said I hadn’t made any arrangements yet and then after it had been done I just said I’d decided to do it privately. That was that. They’ve got over it. I am not particularly close to any of them so don’t really care what they think. (My relationship with my Mum was difficult and complex too so the last thing I wanted was a fancy funeral to go to).

Dascha · 05/09/2023 09:16

Turning up at a funeral is a kindness. It can be an immense comfort to the grieving family to see they are not the only ones there, that their loved one made a wider impact on the world. I've been on the receiving end of this kindness and it has really stuck with me.

I know things are more complicated here, because mothers can be, but I do wonder if you are reading in more negatives than there are here.

comedownwithme · 05/09/2023 09:18

On the face of it it does seem normal for her to attend. That said there seems to be a huge backstory involving your mum not lending a wheelchair to your MIL whilst she was dying?

If there was no reason for that other then she was being cunty then I would also be annoyed at her wanting to 'pay her respects' as pejole are putting it. If on the other hand she needed the chair herself (even part time) and couldn't lend it that's very different.

You clearly have a bit of a difficult relationship with her but it's hard to judge on little information whether you are justified in your thoughts

TheWayoftheLeaf · 05/09/2023 09:22

Idk to me it's fairly normal for in-laws to go to funerals. Even if not close it's extended family and in old fashioned circles it's the right thing to do to attend.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 05/09/2023 09:22

But if none of you want her there ask her not to go.

MrsClatterbuck · 05/09/2023 09:23

What's she is proposing that is going to the funeral looks perfectly normal and would be in the vast majority of cases. My parents attended my FIL and my MIL funerals. My bils and sils attended either the wake or service of my parents. But I didn't see the thread but am aghast that she wouldn't help you with a wheelchair for your MIL in the last days of her life which I would find very hard to forgive and especially to see her mingling with people and maybe even accepting condolences from people who don't have a clue obviously of the background. That really would stick in the craw.
Is there anyway your dh could tell her that it would be better if she stays away.
Don't worry about her seeing you crying as it maybe will make her realise that how much you miss MIL and wonder if you will shed any tears over her.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 05/09/2023 09:32

I find the whole funeral etiquette on Mumsnet odd. There is no way I’d publicly announce a funeral and I’d be really annoyed if someone who didn’t have much to do with someone when they were alive just decided to invite themselves along.

This isn't MN etiquette, it's fairly normal to announce a funeral and for people to "invite" themselves since funerals aren't technically private

Xrays · 05/09/2023 09:33

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 05/09/2023 09:32

I find the whole funeral etiquette on Mumsnet odd. There is no way I’d publicly announce a funeral and I’d be really annoyed if someone who didn’t have much to do with someone when they were alive just decided to invite themselves along.

This isn't MN etiquette, it's fairly normal to announce a funeral and for people to "invite" themselves since funerals aren't technically private

I’ve never heard of a funeral not being private - unless it’s a massive public affair for someone famous. The family organises it, they decide who they tell / invite.

WickedSerious · 05/09/2023 09:36

PrincessHoneysuckle · 04/09/2023 19:54

A lot of people go to a funeral for the buffet afterwards like Nana in The Royle Family.

We have neighbours who do this,funeral crashers.

comedownwithme · 05/09/2023 09:36

@Xrays

I’ve never heard of a funeral not being private - unless it’s a massive public affair for someone famous. The family organises it, they decide who they tell / invite.

Do you live in the UK?

It used to be standard to put a notice in the paper about the death and give details of the funeral, for people to attend. Nowadays a lot of it is online but the same idea, it's not up to anyone to 'invite' people

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 05/09/2023 09:48

Xrays · 05/09/2023 09:33

I’ve never heard of a funeral not being private - unless it’s a massive public affair for someone famous. The family organises it, they decide who they tell / invite.

Show quote history

Funeral notices in the paper or online
Outside the Chapel at the Crem they have a list of funerals that day
Churches will publish funerals alongside their other services

I don't think I've ever been "invited" to a funeral outside of seeing a notice of when it is

If someone knows when the funeral is they can just turn up and come in

MavisMcMinty · 05/09/2023 10:05

Here in the UK, or at least the more heavily-populated parts, it’s standard for there to be 3 weeks between the death and the funeral. When my Mum died we didn’t invite people, we had a notice in the paper saying when and where the funeral would be held, and a mass email to everyone in my Dad’s address book. Hundreds of people came, from all over the world, because there was plenty of time for people to book flights etc. It was incredibly comforting to see so many people there, it was all rather “This is Your Life”!

When my Irish aunts and uncles died, we had a maximum of 36 hours between the deaths and the funerals, and sadly one of them was simply impossible to get there in time. As soon as the grave was dug the funeral took place.

MinnieGirl · 05/09/2023 10:07

After her behaviour with the wheelchair, I think you really need to say something. And so what if she gets upset…. You were upset when she wouldn’t help.

Mum you’ve got a bloody cheek even thinking about coming to MiL funeral. You refused to help when she was really poorly, which was really unkind. We don’t want you at the funeral. Please respect our wishes and keep away.

Can you have a word with the undertakers? They may be able to offer a solution.

StarBloo · 05/09/2023 10:11

Its completely normal to attend the funeral of your child's in laws, it would be abnormal for her not to go.

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