Page 5 | To not understand why she wants to go to the funeral

Kraemerz · 2023-09-04T16:42:20+00:00

My DM has invited herself to the funeral of DMiL which is in 4 days time. She didn’t ask me or my dh if it was ok that she come she just said she’d see us there. For context my DM has probably spoken to my DMIL ten times in the 20+ years that me and my DH have been together. However it’s the fact that I asked my DM for help (for my DMiL) a few weeks ago and even though my mum could help she said no and now expects to come to the funeral is what is boiling my piss. I also don’t have the kind of relationship with my DM where I feel comfortable crying in front of her so that’s another reason I don’t want her there. My older two adult kids also don’t want her there although they said it’s ok but you can tell they’re not comfortable with it. I know she doesn’t need permission to go to the funeral but AIBU to think she should have at least asked us if it was ok out of courtesy?

MavisMcMinty · 05/09/2023 10:20

MavisMcMinty · 05/09/2023 10:05

Here in the UK, or at least the more heavily-populated parts, it’s standard for there to be 3 weeks between the death and the funeral. When my Mum died we didn’t invite people, we had a notice in the paper saying when and where the funeral would be held, and a mass email to everyone in my Dad’s address book. Hundreds of people came, from all over the world, because there was plenty of time for people to book flights etc. It was incredibly comforting to see so many people there, it was all rather “This is Your Life”!

When my Irish aunts and uncles died, we had a maximum of 36 hours between the deaths and the funerals, and sadly one of them was simply impossible to get there in time. As soon as the grave was dug the funeral took place.

Just wanted to add to this that all the “With Sympathy” cards we received were also hugely appreciated, and we used lots of the little anecdotes and memories in them for my Mum’s eulogy. Hilariously, almost every card contained some mention of “feisty”, and if one word could sum up my Mum it’d be feisty!

Since then, I have always endeavoured to attend funerals and to send a card with amusing anecdotes about the person who’s died.

Xrays · 05/09/2023 10:27

comedownwithme · 05/09/2023 09:36

@Xrays

I’ve never heard of a funeral not being private - unless it’s a massive public affair for someone famous. The family organises it, they decide who they tell / invite.

Do you live in the UK?

It used to be standard to put a notice in the paper about the death and give details of the funeral, for people to attend. Nowadays a lot of it is online but the same idea, it's not up to anyone to 'invite' people

Yep born and raised in the U.K., I’m 42 and lived most of my life in South London, I know it used to be the case that people did this but I think with the internet etc no one does this anymore. I don’t know anyone that would or would know where to look for notices like this, or would even be bothered to look. My dd is 20 and it wouldn’t occur to her to do this or even know of this so it’s definitely something that’s dying out (excuse the pun).

Xrays · 05/09/2023 10:29

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 05/09/2023 09:48

Funeral notices in the paper or online
Outside the Chapel at the Crem they have a list of funerals that day
Churches will publish funerals alongside their other services

I don't think I've ever been "invited" to a funeral outside of seeing a notice of when it is

If someone knows when the funeral is they can just turn up and come in

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But all those things work on the presumption that someone attends church or hangs around churches reading notice boards. I would imagine a very small number of people do that now. Most people would never realise when a funeral was unless actively invited.

Fruitynutcase · 05/09/2023 10:41

My mother would go all right. . To soak up any drama . I think people go because they have to be there , some go because they are obliged to go , some go to socialise, catch up with old friends and work colleagues, some go to be plain nosy like my mother !

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 05/09/2023 10:56

Xrays · 05/09/2023 10:29

But all those things work on the presumption that someone attends church or hangs around churches reading notice boards. I would imagine a very small number of people do that now. Most people would never realise when a funeral was unless actively invited.

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Churches do use social media...
And funeral directors help you set up online obituaries. They're on local website etc.
People will also just post on FB etc "the funeral of X will be at Y at Z time"
What do you mean by actively?

FarmGirl78 · 05/09/2023 11:07

I was with you until you used the phrase "boiling my piss".

Shudder.

Hufflepods · 05/09/2023 11:15

@Xrays But all those things work on the presumption that someone attends church or hangs around churches reading notice boards. I would imagine a very small number of people do that now. Most people would never realise when a funeral was unless actively invited.

In many areas funeral times are printed in the local paper, they certainly are where I am.

givemeasunnyday · 05/09/2023 20:27

I find the whole funeral etiquette on Mumsnet odd. There is no way I’d publicly announce a funeral and I’d be really annoyed if someone who didn’t have much to do with someone when they were alive just decided to invite themselves along.

It's not the funeral etiquette on Mumsnet - that is how funerals work, well it is in my country anyway. People have the death notice published in the newspaper, and it includes the time and place of the funeral. Direct cremations, or private funerals, are becoming more common but they are more usual for elderly people. I think I have been to only two private funerals in my whole life.

I had direct cremations for my parents, but I happily trot off to the funerals of people I used to work with, neighbours, the family of people I know etc. - as far as I am aware no-one has been "really annoyed". It's far more usual for people to be grateful that others turn up to pay their respects, or to support the family.

Xrays · 05/09/2023 20:29

Hufflepods · 05/09/2023 11:15

@Xrays But all those things work on the presumption that someone attends church or hangs around churches reading notice boards. I would imagine a very small number of people do that now. Most people would never realise when a funeral was unless actively invited.

In many areas funeral times are printed in the local paper, they certainly are where I am.

I’ve just had a discussion with my dd (20 and at university, big city, etc) about this - admittedly I’m using her and my own circles as evidence of this so may not be all that reliable (!) but none of us get a local newspaper, none of us would read a local newspaper (we all do read / watch the news, but online and on Tv) so none of us would see any funeral notices.

We are all part of a lively and popular local noticeboard in South Norfolk, 12k members, and I’ve never seen a funeral notice.

I genuinely think it’s just not so much of a thing anymore. People have a funeral for their loved ones and invite the people they wish to invite and that’s it. I can’t imagine turning up to a funeral I hadn’t been invited to, I think it’s rude.

(In response to someone asking me what I meant by “actively” inviting someone I meant actually asking them to go, not just putting an ad out somewhere which others seem to see as an invite apparently)!

MavisMcMinty · 05/09/2023 20:34

My uncle had a terrible relationship with his wife, they actively hated each other, I often thought they should divorce and have much happier lives, but hey-ho, there’s no explaining some people.

Anyway, when he died, she decided the funeral would be “close family only” - my Dad and my siblings and I, basically. Throughout the service much was made of what a lovely generous fella my uncle was, and how many friends he’d had… to a practically empty church. I’m sure my aunt did it deliberately, her last chance to be spiteful towards him, it was the most depressing funeral I’ve ever attended.

givemeasunnyday · 05/09/2023 20:43

In response to someone asking me what I meant by “actively” inviting someone I meant actually asking them to go, not just putting an ad out somewhere which others seem to see as an invite apparently

Putting a death notice in a newspaper, stating the time and place of the funeral, is done for exactly the reason of letting anyone who wants to attend know. It's not a case of others "seeing it as an invite" - it is an invite. You seem to be quite clueless. If a private funeral is held the death notice is normally printed after the funeral.

Xrays · 05/09/2023 20:52

givemeasunnyday · 05/09/2023 20:43

In response to someone asking me what I meant by “actively” inviting someone I meant actually asking them to go, not just putting an ad out somewhere which others seem to see as an invite apparently

Putting a death notice in a newspaper, stating the time and place of the funeral, is done for exactly the reason of letting anyone who wants to attend know. It's not a case of others "seeing it as an invite" - it is an invite. You seem to be quite clueless. If a private funeral is held the death notice is normally printed after the funeral.

I’m not clueless. 🙄 I just have a different opinion.

Yes I suppose I can see that worded that particular way it does seem like an invite. I was thinking something less specific to which then people would then enquire about the details at the church etc. I know people do just announce a death / marriage etc and I was thinking along those lines. It just seems really outdated and odd to me - but I appreciate others don’t feel the same. It’s fine; we’re all different.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 05/09/2023 21:40

(In response to someone asking me what I meant by “actively” inviting someone I meant actually asking them to go, not just putting an ad out somewhere which others seem to see as an invite apparently)!

I think it's odd to go around asking people to a funeral! What if you don't know everyone that was in that person's life and someone important gets missed?

I belong to a voluntary organisation. When someone dies from that we often get an email to all about the details with the idea being you might want to attend but to you that wouldn't be inviting and would be rude?

And I've seen a few funeral notices on local FB groups and also a couple from the council itself, or posts asking if there are family/friends of certain deceased people as they have no details for them.

UsingChangeofName · 05/09/2023 21:52

@Xrays it really isn't a MN thing, it is how society works and how funerals work.

I will agree with you that 'putting a notice in a paper' isn't as common as it once was. We don't have a local paper where I live, (as in, there isn't one, not just that I don't read it) and haven't for many a long year, but you don't actually need to invite people, or tell people individually. You find that word spreads. If a former colleague knows, for example, they tell other colleagues. One member of the choir she was in or lunch club she attended, tell others that attended. You'd be amazed how quickly word goes around in whatever communities you are part of.
It's not rude in any way (well, I can only speak for UK culture).

Turning up at a funeral is a kindness. It can be an immense comfort to the grieving family to see they are not the only ones there, that their loved one made a wider impact on the world. I've been on the receiving end of this kindness and it has really stuck with me.

This. In fact this x 100.
We were so touched by the people who took time out of their day / week, to travel and attend my parents funerals. It was a HUGE comfort, and still is. So nice to hear little anecdotes from people who knew them from different parts of their lives.