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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I TECHNICALLY didn't do anything wrong?

147 replies

eeekkeee · 03/09/2023 17:13

I share a 10 year old with my ex. Me and my ex were together for a very short period of time. Around 2 years and it was clear we would never work as we just didn't get on as a couple.

We haven't been together in 9 years and in that time he has had a serious relationship and other flings etc. Me and my ex have a very good co parenting relationship.

A few months ago me and one of my exes 'friends' ended up chatting online. He wasn't a good friend of my ex's. They hung out occasionally but they weren't like childhood friends etc. I met up with this guy once and then didn't see him again.

I have just received a text off my ex, basically this guy has told my ex everything and is offering him screen shots of our conversation. I'm sure he will conveniently leave out the sexts and nudes he was sending me.

My ex has just said it's all very odd and I have no idea why this guy has suddenly out of the blue decided to tell my ex this information.

However, AIBU to basically think I technically haven't done anything wrong? I can speak to who I like and we've been split up long enough that this shouldn't matter?

OP posts:
Original poster
eeekkeee · 04/09/2023 13:15

I did consider the consequences of course, but as a grown woman I decided the risk was worth it. No I did not include my face and to be honest, this wasn't the point of the thread.

OP posts:
Theblacksheepandme · 04/09/2023 13:22

eeekkeee · 04/09/2023 11:48

@Theblacksheepandme it's like drugs. I would never encourage my daughter to take drugs and will of course speak to her about the dangers of doing so. But ultimately, when she is an adult, it is her choice so harm reduction is surely better than being naive to the fact that she may try them? It's the same with nudes, of course I won't encourage and will warn her of dangers etc. but as an adult it is her choice. So yes, I will teach my daughter that should she decide to send a nude/nudes to make sure her face isn't in it and there is no identifiable stuff in the photo. I think that's sensible parenting as you know, children do grow up and are their own person and do what they want to do regardless of mums opinion.

Ahh now I get it. Like telling your daughter that if she takes drugs like heroin to make sure she uses a clean needle and doesn't share.

CatMattress · 04/09/2023 13:25

You didn't do anything wrong. 'Rob' is a dick. Your ex is partly in the wrong, but can be excused on the basis that he's probably a bit confused and concerned. Have you replied to your ex?
I'd just send a text like
"We messaged and met up once when <our child> was with you, but he was a bit of a dick so it didn't go any further. I'm telling you because he seems to have decided to drag you into this, but as a general rule I will not be discussing my personal or dating life with you unless it in any way affects <our child>. I have told him to stop sharing personal details with others, I hope I can trust in your discretion to do similar. Thanks"

Original poster
eeekkeee · 04/09/2023 13:26

@Theblacksheepandme sure

OP posts:
Sailawaytocromer · 04/09/2023 13:33

@eeekkeee I can’t think of any reason to send nudes. To anyone. Ever. Face or no face.

This all seems quite weird but seems you might. More cautious in future.

ps As far as I know, none of my close friends send nude photos. Even to their partners. Any photo sent to anyone has to be treated as something that could be widely shared (on purpose or by mistake) and most of us are in careers where this would be disastrous.

Sailawaytocromer · 04/09/2023 13:34

Might BE more cautious in future. Actually, ditto sexting!

Theblacksheepandme · 04/09/2023 13:46

eeekkeee · 04/09/2023 13:15

I did consider the consequences of course, but as a grown woman I decided the risk was worth it. No I did not include my face and to be honest, this wasn't the point of the thread.

The point of the thread as far as I can see is that you think this is none of your ex partners business. This guy has made it your ex partners business. I don't think your ex partner has done anything wrong asking you what it's all about after this idiot contacted him.

I also think if you hadn't shared nude photos with him that he wouldn't have much to say to your ex partner. I think if you are sharing nude photos that you should think of the consequences. This guy sounds unpleasant and you shared intimate photos with someone like this.

Rightly he cannot share these photos online, but unfortunately there is nothing stopping him showing half the local pub these photos on his phone and to your ex.

Your ex has just informed you of this odd call he received. I think considering your ex does not have a bad relationship with you, that he may just be concerned of the bad decisions you're making.

Theblacksheepandme · 04/09/2023 13:52

Sailawaytocromer · 04/09/2023 13:33

@eeekkeee I can’t think of any reason to send nudes. To anyone. Ever. Face or no face.

This all seems quite weird but seems you might. More cautious in future.

ps As far as I know, none of my close friends send nude photos. Even to their partners. Any photo sent to anyone has to be treated as something that could be widely shared (on purpose or by mistake) and most of us are in careers where this would be disastrous.

I also think it's quite gross. I'm assuming a nude photo is sent in order for a guy to have a wank to. Does OP also get off on dick pics? The mind boggles.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 04/09/2023 15:41

I take it that you don't approve of the harm reduction approach to sex ed and drugs ed either?

You tell your kids (not just your girls) that the safest option is not to send at all, the second-safest is to keep your face and other identifying details out, and that considerate partners don't ask for nudes at all because they understand the risks to the sender.

Strawberryboost · 04/09/2023 15:57

That’s the beauty of a chat thread. It goes off in different directions

Strawberryboost · 04/09/2023 15:58

You thought the risk was worth it?

A man you met once and never again? Wow his sexting prior to meeting must have been off the scale amazing!!

Strawberryboost · 04/09/2023 15:59

This this and this

Thementalloadisreal · 04/09/2023 16:01

Sailawaytocromer · 04/09/2023 13:33

@eeekkeee I can’t think of any reason to send nudes. To anyone. Ever. Face or no face.

This all seems quite weird but seems you might. More cautious in future.

ps As far as I know, none of my close friends send nude photos. Even to their partners. Any photo sent to anyone has to be treated as something that could be widely shared (on purpose or by mistake) and most of us are in careers where this would be disastrous.

Love that you assume to know what your family and friends do in their private sex lives. They’re probably all up to summat horny 🤣
How wonderfully naive!

Sailawaytocromer · 04/09/2023 16:08

@Thementalloadisreal my best friends… I’m pretty sure no one would send nudes. It’s never occurred to me to do it and I’ve never been sent anything either.

Im sure lots of people I know do it. But lots of people don’t. For lots of people it’s something they’ve never been part of/would consider. Maybe it’s because I’m 40+ and phones with cameras weren’t really a thing when we were teenagers/early 20s

Thementalloadisreal · 04/09/2023 16:11

Sailawaytocromer · 04/09/2023 16:08

@Thementalloadisreal my best friends… I’m pretty sure no one would send nudes. It’s never occurred to me to do it and I’ve never been sent anything either.

Im sure lots of people I know do it. But lots of people don’t. For lots of people it’s something they’ve never been part of/would consider. Maybe it’s because I’m 40+ and phones with cameras weren’t really a thing when we were teenagers/early 20s

Your best friends might send their husbands sexy photos every day! Totally ridiculous to suggest that you’d know about it - perhaps they wouldn’t tell you because they know you’d be judgemental of them! And also offensive to suggest that only a certain kind of person sends nudes not your best friends though you wouldn’t be besties with that kind of person.

Theblacksheepandme · 04/09/2023 16:13

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 04/09/2023 15:41

I take it that you don't approve of the harm reduction approach to sex ed and drugs ed either?

You tell your kids (not just your girls) that the safest option is not to send at all, the second-safest is to keep your face and other identifying details out, and that considerate partners don't ask for nudes at all because they understand the risks to the sender.

I have discussed this with my teen daughter. She thinks anyone asking or sending is an idiot.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 04/09/2023 16:16

I'm assuming a nude photo is sent in order for a guy to have a wank to.

Generally yes, that's the intention.

To quote Jennifer Lawrence in Vanity Fair: "either your boyfriend is going to look at porn or he’s going to look at you". A truly decent guy wouldn't look at either but good luck finding one of those these days.

Lawrence also stated in the same piece: "I started to write an apology, but I don’t have anything to say I’m sorry for." Some of the people on this thread appear to have mixed up "morally wrong" and "unwise". "Morally wrong" would have required an apology but Lawrence did nothing wrong. It's unwise to send nudes but it's not morally wrong. It's morally wrong to show nudes to your friends. It's morally wrong to upload them to the internet. It's inconsiderate to ask for nudes. Perhaps the education about nude images and sexting should be focused on preventing the moral wrong by teaching children not to ask for them.

Saysomethingorwhatnot · 04/09/2023 17:13

It sounds like this guy was attempting to humiliate you to your ex. Ignore him.

Original poster
eeekkeee · 04/09/2023 19:56

I've spoken to my ex on phone this evening. He's not annoyed at all, he just thinks this guy is very strange and has blocked him and told me he's not worth giving any more thought to.

OP posts:
Thementalloadisreal · 05/09/2023 11:11

That’s good, I guess he was trying to get to you through the ex. Weird guy

Theblacksheepandme · 05/09/2023 13:20

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 04/09/2023 16:16

I'm assuming a nude photo is sent in order for a guy to have a wank to.

Generally yes, that's the intention.

To quote Jennifer Lawrence in Vanity Fair: "either your boyfriend is going to look at porn or he’s going to look at you". A truly decent guy wouldn't look at either but good luck finding one of those these days.

Lawrence also stated in the same piece: "I started to write an apology, but I don’t have anything to say I’m sorry for." Some of the people on this thread appear to have mixed up "morally wrong" and "unwise". "Morally wrong" would have required an apology but Lawrence did nothing wrong. It's unwise to send nudes but it's not morally wrong. It's morally wrong to show nudes to your friends. It's morally wrong to upload them to the internet. It's inconsiderate to ask for nudes. Perhaps the education about nude images and sexting should be focused on preventing the moral wrong by teaching children not to ask for them.

Edited

Where did you pick up people saying it was morally wrong?

Strawberryboost · 05/09/2023 15:36

Theblacksheepandme · 05/09/2023 13:20

Where did you pick up people saying it was morally wrong?

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her imagination

but she wanted it to be the case so she could post her long post

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