Son’s internet history is really weird. No idea what to do.

[Flippersfriend]

A few months back, when he first got his own iPad, I discovered my 11yo son had been looking up videos of something really really strange.

Firstly I apologise for not writing what it is here. I’m worried this post will come up when he searches for this topic again.

It’s nothing remotely illegal or adult or sexual or dangerous, just really really odd and definitely indicative of something very odd on his mind. Nothing to do with sexuality or gender either.

I’ve raised it with him before and asked (very calmly and non judgementally) why he looked that up so often and would he like to talk about it more. I said he wasn’t in any trouble at all but it was an unusual thing to be looking up. He was embarrassed and said no reason at all and refused to talk about it any further.

It stopped for a while but I’ve found a load more searches from the last few days.

As I say, it’s nothing ‘bad’ at all. It’s certainly within the parental controls I have on his iPad. If he’d only looked it up once or twice it wouldn’t be a concern at all, but he’s looking it up over and over again.

While I realise it’s hard to give advice when I’m not giving specifics, my question is more around how I talk to him about it again.

If he were a friend I’d want to say “dude this is really bloody weird. Why the F are you looking this up so much?” But I can’t say that to my child!

I’m a single parent so I can’t ask his dad to talk to him (it’s not a man related thing anyway).

@Flippersfriend, I appreciate why you can’t say what it is or give context but unfortunately that just leads to bad advice from a forum. Everyone is making assumptions varying from minor to terrible! There is no real way anyone can give you advice without context.

I would be very concerned, particularly as the example you chose to illustrate it is amputation. These kinds of extreme dysmorphic fixations are becoming more common, because of the internet. It's not straightforward grooming, it's more that the internet provides the opportunity for people with bizarre fixations to communicate, share information, and become a community and an identity. Without the internet, the fixation is more likely to fizzle out, instead of becoming a kind of social contagion, that often tends to become more and more extreme over time, possibly ending in them acting on it IRL. It's like how the ubiquity of porn is creating more consumers of CSA material, it's just how human psychology works.

Go with your gut, something feels off. I think pp advice to get professional help is spot on.

I believe this is the age when fetishes are developed - for example feelings of shame/being degraded/urine stuff etc often happen in childhood and stick with us, we use sex as a way to deal with it in adulthood. For many people fetishes are not a big deal, just something additional in their sex lives as they become adults. For some they become quite destructive. Not sure how much influence we can have over this as parents.

I was a social worker for a long time and came across a few children with some worrying patterns of behaviour, usually triggered by anxiety/stress and enabled by internet access. It sounds like you’ve dealt with things really well so far.

Firstly - I really recommend you do a quick risk assessment. I don’t of course know what the exact issue is, but with your example I would be somewhat worried about it having a sexual element longer-term as it could be physically harmful to someone else. Only you knowing the true example can say what the risks may be. In your example there are a few risks;

1. He will seek out relationships with people who have experienced amputation
2. He will aim to have an amputation
3. He will be involved/coerce someone into amputating a healthy limb.
4. he will play out/role play amputation in his own life in some way

2/3 seem extreme and exceptionally unlikely, so in that case I would relax somewhat, as 1/4 more likely.

Secondly, I would also want to think about ways to encourage a healthy attitude to sex and sexuality; really talking about sex as part of a nourishing and loving relationship, thinking of examples on tv etc where you see men respecting women as full, whole people. Perhaps that’s a bit utopian. I would feel as uneasy as you do, and will be thinking about you both.

lastly - please go easy on yourself, you’ve reacted really well, kids are very odd at times (I bloody well was) and at that age they want to know everything. This is likely just a phase that he can be supported through.

He's not doing anything 'adult'. It's all perfectly accessible information....the concern is its a rather weird/niche topic and the researching/accessing is obsessive.

I really am completely baffled

I completely respect why you wouldn't want to say what it is here.
Perhaps you might be able to think back to the time when he started to look this up and where the source is from. Maybe he knows someone in the situation or its something he's seen in a film? Either way perhaps you could ask what made him interested in the first place. Maybe he's looking for a specific answer and hasn't found it yet. Keep the subject open and matter of fact, perhaps asking him about it whilst you're driving (or other task if you don't drive)for instance so he doesn't feel threatened by it iyswim. Hopefully this interest will disappear soon.

Does his school have a guidance counsellor, psychologist, etc? If so, speak to them. Otherwise find a paediatric therapist (social worker, psychiatrist, psychologist) privately if you can’t through CAMS. You want to nip it in the bud, and he needs to speak to a skilled professional in a safe place

This feels like hyper fixation which could be linked to neurodiversity, which he could be masking. Hope you’re all okay OP. I’d feel the same too.

Hi OP, poor you, it's very hard to have parenting concerns and not have another parent to discuss and share with. Been there, done that. I think I would seek out the school's counsellor to see whether your son needs some mental health investigation/support. I think an obsession with amputation ( I REALISE THIS IS OP's COVER EXAMPLE!) with multiple searches and different approaches sounds both compulsive and concerning. It may be a way of channelling anxieties, it may be the beginning of something sexualised or it may be the result of peer pressure of some mysterious sort. Whatever. It's causing you anxiety and possibly your son. I think you need support. I hope you get it IRL.

I'd hate to think what my internet history must look like. Also nothing particularly adult but sometimes a bit off the wall. Just saying.

My son was OBSESSED with Hitler in year 7/8 it was getting really weird but they just learnt about it and some of the children were really curious, well overly curious … it didn’t last long but I was getting quite freaked out tbh.

My Son looks up the wierdest stuff on You Tube - just completely random. Maybe your Son just has abit of a fascination with whatever it is? I remember as a child having obsessions with odd stuff and certainly dont as a grown up. Is it a topic you could perhaps look up together with him and discuss or take him to see something related to it? Hard what to advise without knowing the topic though.

It struck me as I was reading Gettingagoldtoof's post, which refers to amputation (because the OP suggested amputation as something similar to what he is actually researching), that there is a small possibility that what he is looking at is videos showing executions using a blade.

I really hope that this isn't the case, but I am aware that there was a programme on Radio 4 some time ago about people who develop what you might call compulsions to seek out footage of exactly that. In the years prior to the broadcast, the media had been reporting on the appalling ISIS executions.

I remember listening to one of the interviewees, a young woman, who had become fixated on searching for these videos and she tried to explain how this came to be; I recollect that she was helped with therapy and was able to move away from this fixation.

I do hope that this isn't what he is looking for.

She says this in the opening post -

'As I say, it’s nothing ‘bad’ at all. It’s certainly within the parental controls I have on his iPad.'

What is DS's reaction when you have asked him about the searches @Flippersfriend ? Can he shed any light on why he is obsessively searching?

Everyone’s internet search history is weird. Please don’t worry if the things he is searching are not illegal .

Any signs of OCD @Flippersfriend? Seems like the searching is bordering on compulsive so I'm wondering if there is any other types of OCD behaviour? Any unusual new habits?

If the example is at all representative it sounds like an fear of his.

If there had been an internet at his age I would have been googling losing a leg, escalators, rabies, can you get rabies from bats, can bats cross the channel + 6 legged dogs.

In that case, it wouldn't be that. I'd forgotten that she had said that.

I'm not sure what it would be, on reflection. It's obviously something not bad, but still concerning.

What other interests does he have? Could it be related to a character in comic book or film? He maybe doesn’t know much about the subject and is googling it to educate himself. He might be embarrassed because he thinks he should already be educated in the subject. He might even be embarrassed that you might put two and two together and discover he’s a fan of a particular super hero that’s no longer cool with the kids.

Could be have a friend who is about to have an amputation? Or has a tv character he likes/admires been through it? Has he been inspired by the Paralympics? Or is he trying to impress someone with his medical knowledge? My son learnt some Japanese to try and impress a girl when he was a bit older than your son. Could he be pretending to his friends that he is getting an amputation to get sympathy and he is doing his research?

Is it something he’s anxious about or is it about a condition somebody he knows has been diagnosed with eg cancer?

Honestly, without context it is impossible to say if it is just a bit of an obsession, which people, particularly young people have, or something sinister.

It is interesting that so many people have 1. jumped to the conclusion this is the start of a fetish and 2. that it is necessarily a dangerous one to have. I do wonder if the same conclusion would have been reached about an 11 year old girl having an odd search history/obsession.

Using your example, there's a condition called foreign limb syndrome where sufferers can try remove limbs because they feel they don't belong to their body. I'd want to make sure there's nothing similar with the real search topic before letting it go, but think your understanding approach is the right tact to take otherwise.

Very tricky, but if it is related to disability, there are a number of known fetishes around that. And not unusual to be developing it by 11 (for either sex). However, as a previous poster said, there's not a lot that can be done to influence its course should that be the case.