Son’s internet history is really weird. No idea what to do.

[Flippersfriend]

A few months back, when he first got his own iPad, I discovered my 11yo son had been looking up videos of something really really strange.

Firstly I apologise for not writing what it is here. I’m worried this post will come up when he searches for this topic again.

It’s nothing remotely illegal or adult or sexual or dangerous, just really really odd and definitely indicative of something very odd on his mind. Nothing to do with sexuality or gender either.

I’ve raised it with him before and asked (very calmly and non judgementally) why he looked that up so often and would he like to talk about it more. I said he wasn’t in any trouble at all but it was an unusual thing to be looking up. He was embarrassed and said no reason at all and refused to talk about it any further.

It stopped for a while but I’ve found a load more searches from the last few days.

As I say, it’s nothing ‘bad’ at all. It’s certainly within the parental controls I have on his iPad. If he’d only looked it up once or twice it wouldn’t be a concern at all, but he’s looking it up over and over again.

While I realise it’s hard to give advice when I’m not giving specifics, my question is more around how I talk to him about it again.

If he were a friend I’d want to say “dude this is really bloody weird. Why the F are you looking this up so much?” But I can’t say that to my child!

I’m a single parent so I can’t ask his dad to talk to him (it’s not a man related thing anyway).

If it could morph into a sexual fetish - like strangulation, holding the breath, hanging - I think it might be an idea to get some advice about it

Weird doesn't have to mean worrying. I was also obsessed with a lot of weird, often morbid things at that age, and even now my internet search history would make for... interesting reading. Whether about medical conditions or cult rituals or serial killers (on which note, I've seen that the threads on Lucy Letby are still going strong on MN - what is that but morbid fascination with something we don't understand?)

To take the amputee example. To most 11yos that's completely out of their frame of reference. But it undercuts something fundamental they've known all their lives - you can't imagine what it's like to live without a limb. There's an intense curiosity about that experience, and also about the pain or trauma that led to it. But at the same time most 11yos will know it's taboo - if they know an amputee they can't just ask them about it; it'll be perceived as weird if they ask too many questions to other people. Hence, looking it up obsessively.

Tbh most of what I know about what it's like to be an amputee comes from googling it. I don't know any amputees in real life.

Worrying about whther something is the start of a fetish as opposed to intense curiosity is, I would say, a bit premature.

Ask him? That’s what I’d do (similar age son). I’d say “I know I’ve asked before but I know you spend a lot of time looking up X and I’m mainly curious but also a bit worried. Please talk to me about this? Is this something you’re worried about happening to yourself or to me?”

So if it was, for example, deafness, he might have heard something you/someone else said and got the wrong end of the stick and be worrying. He might know of someone at school who has mentioned whatever it is and it’s caught his imagination/made him worried.

Could be something he’s heard on the radio, seen on TV or read in a book.

It is possible to have a sexual fetish over really weird, not obviously sexual things. So using the amputee example, the person might be aroused by looking at pictures of amputees, or the scar from an amputated limb, or by imagining conversations with a doctor telling them that they have to have something amputated, and the process of surgery, etc etc.

People with fetishes like this do usually have the fascination by 11(ish), but because they aren't sexually mature they don't normally understand that's what the nature of the obsession is, or feel actively aroused, they just know that it's something that they feel weirdly compelled to think about and read about.

Obviously I don't know if that's what's happening in this case but it's probably a bit less of an issue than an all consuming anxiety? Even though it would be a bit weird and embarrassing to think about it that way.

Are you worried he might hurt you or another person to replicate this?

I'm guessing that individual showed more concerning behaviour than a little idle googling.

Has he ever been screened for OCD? Obsessions can latch onto anything, and repetitive googling is often a symptoms (falls into research). It could be that it worries him, and he’s reading things to ease his worries.

Still a bit difficult to measure how odd it is without specifics, but I do understand your concern of sharing exactly what it is

From 8 to ~13 I used to cry myself to sleep because I was afraid my mum would die, absolutely terrified, if there was internet during those time I would have dug like there was no tomorrow. Now I am a mum and I realise that my (single) mum by telling me quite often that she had a heart condition freaked me out. So my question (and please I am not blaming you or trying to be mean) is could you, unintentionally, have created fear for his future? Maybe speak to him and "dig" yourself (maybe speak to a counsellor) just be there for him, if it is obsessive like, ask him to speak to you when he feel the need to Google it.
For me it went away when hormones kicked in, too busy thinking about myself then.

Hopefully some reassurance -

Firstly, I remember well being OBSESSED with blindness as a kid, and walking around with my eyes closed even to the point of walking into stuff. I was a thorough kid so would've searched all kinds of things.
Yet for some reason, had my parents asked me ahout it, I am sure I would have denied it.
Why? I really have no idea. I felt embarrassed for some reason, but no clue why! Perhaps because I couldn't explain why I was so fascinated - I didn't know anyone with impaired vision, I didn't want to be blind myself, etc.
Instead, because blindness seemed such a difficult thing, I felt I should try to understand that experience better to empathise more.

Secondly, even if it is the makings of a future fetish, why is that so terrible? It doesn't mean a child is going to act on it, more like they'll feel a vague curiosity that might suddenly click in adulthood as something else.
I can say that I (and others I know, actually!) have fetishes that seem to have their origins in childhood fascinations yet I never considered them in a sexual way till at least my 20s.
At that point, if the fetish is problematic, then it's possibly to seek therapy and deal with it.

But equally, many fascinations just disappear! I don't have any fetish re blindness, the whole obsession was soon forgotten as randomly as it appeared.

You mentioned that the whole thing has caused you to have a nightmare about it, so I guess it's on your mind. Please don't worry too much! People have given good advice about discussing it with him.
It may just be his way of forming a mental concept about, say, an amputee's way of experiencing the world (to use the example).

Could you, in a gentle way, explain your fears about it? For example 'I saw that you searched this and it's totally fine to be curious, but I got a bit worried that maybe you want to be an amputee - is that true?' Perhaps he might then be willing to open up about his actual interest. Just a thought!

Then talk to him?

"Hey Bob, I saw what you were looking at yesterday. Let's talk about it and you can let me know if you have any questions."

I would ask him rather than speculate over all kinds of worrying motives.

As he was in his forties, I guess it started somewhere, and likely before googling was even a thing.

I had some weird (I.e. morbid) interests when I was a teen. I got some books on the occult once and my mom was half- afraid I was going to paint my bedroom black and start playing my records backwards.
I also like to read books about serial killers and she didn’t like that either (I’m not a serial killer)

If you’re really worried you’re going to have to gird your loins and ask him about it.

Is it something that might morph into a sexual fetish that isn't to your taste, or something that might morph into a sexual fetish that is dangerous if not practised by people who know what they're doing?

Is there any pattern between how often he's running these searches and when he's seeing certain friends?

When you've tried to speak to him before, you've asked him to explain why he's been running these searches. I think the previous about reframing it more gently to help you understand is worth a try.

What about an obsession in the OCD sense?

www.ocduk.org/ocd/obsessions/

Maybe you should talk to a doctor or youth mental help line for example there are conditions where you hate something about yourself so much you will do anything to change it

Hate to say this but "furries" are almost a mainstream sub-culture by now. I think it's slightly unfair to use the word grooming which compares it to an illegal sexual deviation and CSA. Fetishes or kinks that are not illegal do not deserve to be shamed by people who do not understand it themselves.

I'm not a furry but I know some people in there and the majority are kind and harmless. For many it's just a subculture they dip into for a while and eventually move on from. There are lots of neurodiverse and non-binary people in the community as well. The idea of anthropomorphic animals was often used as a coping mechanism before the concept of masking was widely known.

Could it be an invasive thought that he's trying to understand? Lots of kids have them. They're associated with OCD. If he's not a talker, he might be using the internet to try and interrogate the thought. My DC is a talker, and asked me about it over and over again - similar to your DS looking it up again and again.

Oh, that's similar to what I've posted, actually - that's what I was thinking

What a surprise - deliberately vague OP and within a page it's on to 11-yr-olds having a sexual fetish. Ffs.

I appreciate that you are reluctant to be more specific about what it is, but am aware that there are some ideas circulated on the internet which can really harm children if they try them out.

Is there a key word which you could write backwards in a post and then delete the post at the end of the evening?

I'm just thinking that a bit more of an indication might elicit a really helpful response from someone who has experienced exactly what you have.

I am sorry OP but you need to get your son to speak to someone about this, maybe through schools or your GP.

There are two issues here: the things he is looking at but mainly the obsessive manner in which he keeps looking at them.

Kids/teens can be interested in topics/things that they find intriguing (from serial killers to weird diseases or death metal) that adults might find weird.

Some teens want to be ''edgy' and there is always an attraction to forbidden stuff that might annoy parents and make you look cool to your peers (Emos and Goths for example).

But it is very different when a young person actually starts displaying obsessive/compulsive behaviour.

At 11 your son is still quite young for full on teenage rebellion and weirdness.

He might not even have control over what he is doing and why he is doing it and this might be causing him anxiety.

He could also come across some unsavoury adults when checking things out on specialist websites/forums...

Which is why I think you should seek external support for this to assess whether there is something going with him (anxiety, irrational fear, compulsive behaviour).

I say that as someone who always had from a really young age a morbid interest in things like horror stories, Gothic, the occult and I probably read way too many books about anything from vampires, demons & serial killers. The difference is that I was never obsessive about it and had no compulsion to return to it all the time. It was just and still is a topic of interest and did not escalate or turn into an obsession or something I wanted to put into practice (thankfully I am not a serial killer!).

How long have those searches been going on? Because if it is a while you might need to ask him again and be a little more insistent.

Ok. Is there anyone he knows who is an ‘amputee’ who
he could have a crush on?

Yes you're right - I probably explained it badly, and actually agree with you that loads of them are fine. I used the word "grooming" because it seemed to me that adults with a clearly sexual agenda were pushing the sexualised stuff his way, knowing that he was underage and back when he wasn't into the sexual side of it. And I guess to me it seemed that they wanted him to be into it sexually for nefarious reasons. But the last bit is speculation, and it doesn't suggest the whole lot of them are child groomers. I'm sure that lovely ex (who identifies as a "furry" and is in no way nefarious) would completely disagree with my take and say that it's just a natural progression of his interest in the non sexual anthro stuff. (Although I do disagree with you about the fetish itself - I think it's pretty harmful and misogynistic, and although I wouldn't want to shame anyone, I think it would better if less people were into it).

I think my more general point was just to watch carefully the direction that the OP's son interest is taking, as there are people out there who will push sexualised versions of most things onto kids who are sufficiently obsessed with something.