Hurt DD doesn't want me to drop her off at uni?

[LeDian]

My only DD is starting uni this year in London. Her move in day is two weeks today. She's got everything she needs bought and mostly packed. I'm really nervous about her going.
She has just told me she doesn't want me to drop her off. She and her boyfriend (different uni, different accomodation) are travelling on the train on the Saturday, with just some cases, staying in s hotel. Then on the Sunday her dad and his wife are going to drive down with all her stuff.
Originally I was going to drive her down, take her for dinner on the Saturday night and help her get checked in, then her dad would meet her with her stuff and I'd leave.

DD and I have a generally okay relationship, we had a falling out at the start of summer but I thought it was better now.

AIBU to be really sad DD doesn't want me there?

She's probably a bit nervous about starting uni and taking it out on you. My son can get a bit stressy about the whole thing too.

My DS didn’t want taking either. He had passed his driving test, so just packed up, took the girlfriend with him, and left without a backward glance. I know it’s upsetting, but be glad that she is starting out on an adventure.

Chill out. It will be more fun to visit her after a month or two and take her out with some friends.

She will have more to show you and she'll know her way around. You will have lovely adult interactions.

To be honest it probably has nothing to do with you-she is doing exactly what she is supposed to be doing-organising her things and travel.

I am impressed by her independence and it will stand her in good stead at Uni.

Dropping off at Uni is generally highly overrated. It is stressful and a hassle.
They really just want to move in and get on with it.

Let her crack on and organise to visit her in a few weeks and take her to lunch or something.

Maybe she is finding it more emotional to leave home that she thought she would and is trying to keep your goodbyes light and private.
Let her do this the way she has planned in her head.. lots of hugs, tell her you love her and cant wait to hear how she gets on, slip her £20 for a drink in the students bar and wave goodbye with a big smile.
This will be hard but she is probably dreading both/either of you in floods.
Let her go.. she will come back to visit because you have made the leaving easy..
X

My son, who ive done absolutely everything for is being dropped off by his dad who is not usually helpful or that interested. Its a good thing as ill have none of the stress of finding it, parking, unloading. Plus in my opinion the less involved parent is a better option as they are less likely to cry etc. Im not sure how ill react to my eldest child moving out and if ill cry etc so dad seems like the better option to me. I would let your daughter get on with it.

I'd be hurt too tbh but it sounds like she's thought a lot about how she was to do it & she does sound very organised & independent.
We dropped dd at uni last September & as a pp said, it WAS pretty stressful for everyone. She just wanted & needed to get settled in with her flatmates & didn't need us around really. We did go for a meal the first night but it wasn't anything great!
Let her get on with it, it'll be so much nicer to see her once she's settled & she'll enjoy showing you around.

Interesting. I don't think DD has a less involved parent, she's always been a bit of a dads girl and since divorcing it's always been 50/50.
I think I'm just worried she is trying to push me away or I've upset her in some way

I don’t think dc see it as such an event as parents do and they don’t understand how parents might be feeling.

I remember going to uni and yes my parents took me but I was just interested in the practicality of someone giving me a lift, helping carry stuff in. I wouldn’t honestly have cared who. I was too excited about moving out, meeting new people, etc to be sad about anything, or to give a thought about my parents.

I don't think going to uni is as deep as this, she's not thinking all sentimentally about the end of an era or anything. She's probably just excited and a weekend before moving sounds like fun.

And I agree with the PP who said she just isn't thinking about how this is a big moment for you, it's just exciting for her.

Are you the poster whose daughter turned down a place at Cambridge?

Leave it a few weeks, then book tickets for a show (check she's free) and take her out for dinner and catch up in a grown up way away from home. She'll have lots to tell you and will probably open up more away from the home environment if it's been a tricky summer. Most students won't turn down a free meal.

No, not me, DD didn't even apply to Oxbridge!!

DD1 wanted dh because he would be able to help far more with carrying things in! (I have a bad back)
Dd2 would like us both, but if it comes down to one, she wants me because she thinks I'm more likely to buy her some extra things she thinks of on the way.
🤣

Let her handle it how she feels most comfortable. Arrange to visit and take her out for dinner and a food shop in 6 weeks time. She'll be skint and tired. She'll enjoy dinner and appreciate you stocking her up with food. She'll be able to show you the area she is staying in as she'll be more settled.

This isn't about you, it's about her. If this is how she wants it, leave her be.

It's her first day on a new adventure, let her start it how she wants. It won't be about you at all, she probably doesn't even realise she's hurt you, likely just thinks she's saved you a job.

Be proud of yourself that you raised a daughter who doesn't need mummy to take her to uni.

You said you were really nervous about her going. Any chance you are fussing and fretting a bit and she’s annoyed?

She’s probably just really excited and not really thinking about your feelings - typical teenager!

But are you likely to get a bit weepy? She may not want to deal with that. Smile and be happy for her, go see her when she is settled in. Tell her you’re proud of her.

We dropped our daughter off but plans to go out for lunch ,help set up her room etc did not materialise , she just wanted us to leave asap so she could talk to roommates,all of whom are now firm friends

Honestly OP, it will be nothing to do with falling out with her. She wants to spend the time with her boyfriend. When we took DD, all the students were keen for their parents to leave. They just want to meet their flatmates and settle in.

Give it four weeks and arrange to take her out for a meal and a catch up. She will have had time to miss home a bit and will appreciate a good meal.

She just prefers to travel down and spend the night in London with her boyfriend instead of her dear mum. She knows you will forgive her.

Thats all there is too it. The usual teen self-centred world view of oh I’ll say my goodbyes to mum at home, boyfriend and I will have fun travelling down and being in a hotel in London overnight like an adult couple, then off to Uni.

Shes excited and ready to go. I doubt she’s angry with you, or holding a grudge or anything. She knows you’re a big softie.

When taking ours their were parents crying everywhere. Lol.