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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hurt DD doesn't want me to drop her off at uni?

123 replies

LeDian · 03/09/2023 13:15

My only DD is starting uni this year in London. Her move in day is two weeks today. She's got everything she needs bought and mostly packed. I'm really nervous about her going.
She has just told me she doesn't want me to drop her off. She and her boyfriend (different uni, different accomodation) are travelling on the train on the Saturday, with just some cases, staying in s hotel. Then on the Sunday her dad and his wife are going to drive down with all her stuff.
Originally I was going to drive her down, take her for dinner on the Saturday night and help her get checked in, then her dad would meet her with her stuff and I'd leave.

DD and I have a generally okay relationship, we had a falling out at the start of summer but I thought it was better now.

AIBU to be really sad DD doesn't want me there?

OP posts:

FrenchandSaunders · 05/09/2023 09:25

I agree, def don't rely on having dinner with your DC. They usually want to hang out with their new flatmates, go off to do a food shop and then have a few drinks/food. If they miss that part it can be harder to bond I think.

Lastchancechica · 05/09/2023 09:31

So op I totally understand your pain, I am in the same position. They are trying to get through this themselves, your dd has no doubt figured out you will be the most upset out of the two, and she needs to keep herself strong in front of her new Uni peers.
So she is considering strategies to avoid any outbursts or upset. Understandably.

A lunch on Saturday is a good compromise. Once she is settled, you can return to visit her. I really think this is the time when we do all we can to make the experience as painless as possible for them, as hard as it is.

MuseMum7 · 05/09/2023 10:12

Sounds like she wants to spend time with her boyfriend before they separate for uni. I would be the same in her position, and I would understand if I wasn't. She is ready to fly now, we have to let them go and help when they need/want it, not when we need/want to.

uneffingbelievable · 05/09/2023 10:17

This is more that she wants her Dad to drive down not her Mum that is hurting OP.

Gbtch · 05/09/2023 10:24

Bonbon21 · 03/09/2023 13:22

Maybe she is finding it more emotional to leave home that she thought she would and is trying to keep your goodbyes light and private.
Let her do this the way she has planned in her head.. lots of hugs, tell her you love her and cant wait to hear how she gets on, slip her £20 for a drink in the students bar and wave goodbye with a big smile.
This will be hard but she is probably dreading both/either of you in floods.
Let her go.. she will come back to visit because you have made the leaving easy..
X

This. Absolutely.
in all things grace

SpringSummerDreamer · 05/09/2023 11:21

Agree it's a big deal to parents but just practicality for the teen. Parking is often difficult, timed drop off, carrying many boxes up many stairs etc. All the time theyl're looking outwards, not interested iin big goodbyes. It's always an anticlimax for parents.

Go up in a couple of weeks - lunch out, maybe say hi to a couple of friends in halls, and shopping (for all the bits she now realises she needs for her room). That will be much more enjoyable, you'll feel more involved and she'll appreciate you more.

Good luck to you both!

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/09/2023 13:45

@ErrolTheDragon

lol, what might he have needed you for?

Oblomov23 · 05/09/2023 17:27

I agree, moving in can be very low key. I dropped ds1 at Nottingham, made his bed whilst he went back and forth to the car. He was unpacked and sorted within the hour. I gave him a big hug and left.

ErrolTheDragon · 05/09/2023 17:38

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/09/2023 13:45

@ErrolTheDragon

lol, what might he have needed you for?

Nothing, other than maybe company when DD ditched him for her new pals?

BlackeyedSusan · 05/09/2023 17:45

Daisy12Maisie · 03/09/2023 13:32

My son, who ive done absolutely everything for is being dropped off by his dad who is not usually helpful or that interested. Its a good thing as ill have none of the stress of finding it, parking, unloading. Plus in my opinion the less involved parent is a better option as they are less likely to cry etc. Im not sure how ill react to my eldest child moving out and if ill cry etc so dad seems like the better option to me. I would let your daughter get on with it.

This is what I will remember when it's dd's turn.

Probably best her dad takes her. He's taken on all the organisation of applications and visits which I'm really grateful for too.

It's really difficult but you've done a good job of getting her ready for independent adult living if she is going alone.

43ontherocksporfavor · 05/09/2023 19:10

I’m jealous op .My DD is very anxious about it all and whether she’ll make friends so I’m dreading move-in day! I’d be so happy if she wanted to go off by herself because that would mean she was feeling excited and confident.

gmor6787 · 06/09/2023 09:19

I can remember my husband and I taking my son to start Uni some time ago. He didn’t really want us to go but couldn’t manage all his stuff otherwise. Big mistake.
He was very emotional but being a male it emerged as a foul mood which exploded in a full on row with his dad over something so trivial I can’t remember.
It’s a big leap for your adult child so taking a back step is recommended. He soon came home all apologetic and admitted the whole thing overwhelmed him.

Mumofsons87 · 06/09/2023 11:17

I don't think it's about you at all. She is focused on the change between her and her boyfriends relationship as they head off to different Uni's and making the moment special between them. I think you just don't fit in for this particular transition. I can understand your hurt but take comfort in the fact that she doesn't envisage your relationship changing dramatically with this transition , not from her perspective anyway. Sounds like you are her safe space. Its also highly possible that if the original plan had been you dropping her stuff down the next day then it would be Dad being dumped out of the equation for the boyfriend!

Samlewis96 · 06/09/2023 11:33

Don't understand why parents get so emotional with their offspring going to uni. My son started last year. I did have to " drop " him off - well follow him in my car as his wasn't big enough for all his stuff girlfriend and girlfriends stuff as well. Spent half an hour with him ( made sure he made the bed up lol) and left. No tears on either side.

Saw him once or twice before the easter break when he drive to hometown which to be honest was more to attend local friends birthdays etc and crash out here.

He then returned here in June worked for a month and at end of July he went and worked in a summer camp in Italy and Austria ( still there) and will be back for a fortnight before heading back to uni.

I'm happy that he's living his best life and doing stuff. And he's my " baby" as his sisters are 9 snd 12 years older than him

Mirabai · 06/09/2023 11:35

Samlewis96 · 06/09/2023 11:33

Saw him once or twice before the easter break when he drive to hometown which to be honest was more to attend local friends birthdays etc and crash out here.

I'm happy that he's living his best life and doing stuff. And he's my " baby" as his sisters are 9 snd 12 years older than him

It’s very odd. When I went off to uni I’d been away in France for a year. I drove myself.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 06/09/2023 12:06

The dropping off at uni was not a big event for us either.

DD was off chatting to people on her floor and the floors above/below as soon as she arrived.

We did have one rule though - when ours came home from uni, we always paid the train/bus fare. Coming home was always 'free' to them.

As a result they came home whenever they wanted and knew we would be happy to see them - feed them and do their washing :) but didn't feel under pressure.
It was worth every penny!

Lastchancechica · 06/09/2023 13:47

Are students ever expected to pay to come home??

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 06/09/2023 14:14

Yes - apparently some are expected to pay for visits home during term.

One even had to fund a flight .

Lastchancechica · 06/09/2023 15:03

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 06/09/2023 14:14

Yes - apparently some are expected to pay for visits home during term.

One even had to fund a flight .

Unless I was extremely hard up or desperate not to see my kids, I would at the very least offer the option for a trip home whenever they wanted, and pay for it! Actually feeding them and doing some washing with all the rest wouldn’t be a bonus exactly either.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 06/09/2023 21:32

Home food gets more attractive by the day😁

Primrose97 · 07/09/2023 17:17

Be thankful you don’t have to take her - with both of ours we got through the leaving them at Halls With smiley faces, then drove around the corner and howled our eyes out!

T1Dmama · 10/09/2023 12:35

LeDian · 03/09/2023 14:48

I just asked her about it and she said "you'll cry, it will be embarrassing"

We've made a compromise in going for lunch together on the Saturday and dropping her at the station.

I just really don't want to go!!

Show quote history

Is that last sentence a typo?

T1Dmama · 10/09/2023 13:09

It’s not unusual for kids starting uni to want that last night in a hotel with their boyfriend… it’s not unreasonable if you to feel sad about it, but enjoy your lunch with her before she leaves and get exh to send you some pics of her stood outside uni, which you can view from your sofa while sipping your favourite drink & watching a movie x

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