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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hurt DD doesn't want me to drop her off at uni?

123 replies

LeDian · 03/09/2023 13:15

My only DD is starting uni this year in London. Her move in day is two weeks today. She's got everything she needs bought and mostly packed. I'm really nervous about her going.
She has just told me she doesn't want me to drop her off. She and her boyfriend (different uni, different accomodation) are travelling on the train on the Saturday, with just some cases, staying in s hotel. Then on the Sunday her dad and his wife are going to drive down with all her stuff.
Originally I was going to drive her down, take her for dinner on the Saturday night and help her get checked in, then her dad would meet her with her stuff and I'd leave.

DD and I have a generally okay relationship, we had a falling out at the start of summer but I thought it was better now.

AIBU to be really sad DD doesn't want me there?

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 03/09/2023 18:00

waterrat · 03/09/2023 16:23

It's a funny moment being dropped - I'm in my 40s and remember how keen I was for my mum to bugger off! I could see people who looked interesting and friendly and just wanted to get on with making friends...

Yes this. I felt exactly the same and remember hissing "just go now" to my mum, which wasn't the goodbye I had really planned either. It's an awkward moment, tbh I think it's probably good for both of you that she's got it sorted.

cyclamenqueen · 03/09/2023 19:00

goldfinchfan · 03/09/2023 16:26

When I went to Uni over 30 years ago, No One, had their parents tagging along.

Your DD is showing maturity in not wanting you there, Be proud, not sad.

Well I went 40 years ago this year and everyone had parents there .

Anyway the OPs dd will have a parent there; her father is going .

Bugbabe1970 · 04/09/2023 19:00

There's some really strange parent child relationships on MN!
Just ask her? Just ask if you've upset her! You probably haven't but if you have then surely it's better to know!

maddiemookins16mum · 04/09/2023 19:15

It’s cos she wants to be with her bf overnight in the hotel Op.

anon666 · 04/09/2023 20:11

I'd probably be torn between relief and hurt.

Its an emotional business, so I'd probably rather experience that in my own home rather than on a sad journey home.

However, I imagine if there there is a split / divorce in the background check there is the other parent making it a bit more complicated.

Its unlikely to have any intention to exclude you, just being a practical decision. Ultimately you have to put the first not your own feelings but it's so hard. 😥

Winnipeg23 · 04/09/2023 20:36

Don't overthink it. She's happy and capable. Just be there for her when she needs you. Get on with your own life and be happy with ur new life.
She will be back when she needs you. She's just growing up and getting her independence. Takes a while then we realise how much we love and are grateful to our parents.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 04/09/2023 20:37

She may be saving herself from an upsetting goodbye with you x

Oblomov23 · 04/09/2023 20:46

Sounds hurtful. But you've clearly underestimated the falling out you had. Maybe you should talk to her about that.

Lovely13 · 04/09/2023 20:50

The uni drop-off is a pain. You emotional, them going bye parent. Good that she wants to do it her way. She’ll be back soon. And you can visit when she’s settled in.

dottypotter · 04/09/2023 20:54

I see where your coming from
You had a falling out, you think your ex and his wife have been favoured over you, and your worried this is the start of something.

Just chat with her about it and ask her to reassure you.

oldheadonoldshoulders · 04/09/2023 20:55

I don't think you are being unreasonable, it is really exciting going away to university for the first time, everyone is being included except you, it is a bit chaotic moving in and actually a bit underwhelming, but I think you are right to feel a bit excluded. I am not sure you can do anything about it though, you definitely can't do the right thing in this situation, as you can't insist on going, but I just wanted to say it is fair enough to feel a bit hurt. I would feel hurt.

givemeasunnyday · 04/09/2023 21:06

You are overthinking this. She is taking her first big step into independence, and wants to travel with her boyfriend, end of. Let her get on with it and you can visit later when she is ready.

Malapataraso · 04/09/2023 21:20

If I was 18 years old or however old she is and my choices were either go on the train with my boyfriend or have my mom drive me, I would choose boyfriend on the train. She is a selfish teenager and does not consider how this makes you feel (typical). You are not unreasonable to feel really sad about it. Especially because her father is going to get to settle her in but not you? Ugh, of course you feel left out and sad. She made a shitty decision without considering your feelings. But she’s a teenager, that’s what they do. Try not to take it personally. I’m sorry she’s being selfish, that really sucks.

Pliudev · 04/09/2023 21:39

When I took my eldest it was the day before his 18th birthday. After a four hour drive, I couldn't face the drive back but couldn't find a B&B so had to go to the uni and sleep in parents' accommodation. The look of horror on my son's face when I walked into the refectory for breakfast next morning said it all.

It sounds like your daughter has planned a neat getaway with no tears. Encourage her independence and have a weep when she's gone. In my experience, she'll be back. Just when you've got used to your own space.

Popcornready · 05/09/2023 07:36

It’s hard but I’d try not to over think it, your daughter is showing how well you have done as her parents to raise her to be independent enough to want to travel by herself, maybe she knows just how hard the “goodbye” would be and doesn’t want to put you or her through that x
When I dropped my son to his uni for the first time It was horrid, 3 hrs from home as a family we booked accommodation 30 minutes away from him just incase he needed us…. Obviously he didn’t at all 😂

Rosejasmine · 05/09/2023 08:03

YANBU to feel that way, but if that’s what she wants to do, button your lip and wave her off. She’ll be on the phone within a few days feeling homesick and upset then you’ll have to do your supportive mum job!

WomblingTree86 · 05/09/2023 08:09

I don't think it is that deep. DH is taking youngest DD as he did with eldest. I'm not sure if there will be enough room in the car for me so probably won't go. I would prefer to visit after about 4 weeks.

Lindy2 · 05/09/2023 08:25

I'd guess it's more about spending some time with her boyfriend before they go to different universities. Their relationship is likely to change going forward so I can understand that they want some time together.

As others have said, go and visit when she's settled. Set a date now maybe. You can still take her out for a meal etc. It's just not going to be on her first day there.

starlight13 · 05/09/2023 08:30

She wants a night in a hotel with her boyfriend, who wouldn't at that age?
Can you not drive her things down with her dad on the Sunday? Do it together as her parents.

ButterCrackers · 05/09/2023 08:30

Ask her if there’s anything else she needs to get. Are you paying for the hotel? Add in a dinner as well for her and her boyfriend. Set a date when you’ll visit her. It might change with her new social schedule so be flexible and plan for a late lunch.

Guiltridden12345 · 05/09/2023 08:34

This is a great call - the food shop! Best gift ever for a student (and their flat mates!) And step back op, sounds like she can sense your nerves. This is about her not you -save your tears for after she’s left and hide your nerves. This is a fabulous exciting opportunity for her - don’t spoil it.

Lonicerax · 05/09/2023 08:37

It's probably best if someone else helps - it was impossible to park near the digs when I dropped mine so doing it alone was a stress (illegally parked etc).

AnIndianWoman · 05/09/2023 08:42

She’s going to regret it when she realises everyone else will have their mums there and be able to have dinner with them that first night & she’ll need to settle for her stepmum. This was a regret my own DSD had as she did the same bloody thing - she wanted me there over her DM (her DM doesn’t drive and is ‘too emotional’ which was the excuse but I would have brought her and she’s a bit extra but not too much so), I checked with her a thousand times, and then on the day DSD started crying for her.

I would ask again nearer the time.

Autieangel · 05/09/2023 08:51

Teens often act out/push away the people they trust the most because they know that person will still be there. Try to be understanding. She won't get it until she's a parent herself

ErrolTheDragon · 05/09/2023 08:57

She’s going to regret it when she realises everyone else will have their mums there and be able to have dinner with them that first night

I wouldn't have thought so.
DH took DD when she went off to uni, I stayed home with the dog. Didn't really think about it as a 'rite of passage', I knew she'd be back in a couple of months for Xmas and there's FaceTime etc now.
DH found himself surplus to requirements after helping her unload, as she started getting to know the other students, exactly as it should be.

Don't plan dinner with your kid on their first night at uni other than as a Plan B !