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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hurt DD doesn't want me to drop her off at uni?

123 replies

LeDian · 03/09/2023 13:15

My only DD is starting uni this year in London. Her move in day is two weeks today. She's got everything she needs bought and mostly packed. I'm really nervous about her going.
She has just told me she doesn't want me to drop her off. She and her boyfriend (different uni, different accomodation) are travelling on the train on the Saturday, with just some cases, staying in s hotel. Then on the Sunday her dad and his wife are going to drive down with all her stuff.
Originally I was going to drive her down, take her for dinner on the Saturday night and help her get checked in, then her dad would meet her with her stuff and I'd leave.

DD and I have a generally okay relationship, we had a falling out at the start of summer but I thought it was better now.

AIBU to be really sad DD doesn't want me there?

OP posts:
Chippy4me · 03/09/2023 15:45

Stop making this all about you.

This is her big day and she’s excited and iIts not fair that you are putting your feelings above hers.

I actually don’t know anyone who was brought to uni by their parents unless they had lots of stuff.

She is a young adult and wants to be a bit more independent and share it with her boyfriend.

It sounds like you’ve guilt tripped her into now having lunch with you and taking her to the station.

Yiayoula · 03/09/2023 15:49

Bluetrews25 · 03/09/2023 14:59

You gave her a life, OP, it's time to let go of the bit of it you are holding onto and let her have it. She's a big girl now. Wave her off with a big smile and a full cake tin to hand around to her new friends.
(This is what I did.)

This, absolutely .

NoSquirrels · 03/09/2023 15:54

I just asked her about it and she said "you'll cry, it will be embarrassing"

And the bit she didn’t say out loud was “and then you’ll make me cry, and that will be ten times worse.”

I’d also imagine the boyfriend going to different uni and last night together in the hotel is a big, big part of it.

Take heart, OP - she loves you and she’ll miss you, I promise.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 03/09/2023 16:01

It’s hard isn’t it. I’m dreading Dd1 going but so excited for her. There will def be tears my side but I’ll try and hide them from her, and I’ve said how proud I am of how she’s dealt with the last few years and how excited I am for her.

Im lucky as I have another dc at home for another few years but it is tough, but it’s our job to let them go and be independent of us.

Try not to take it personally and just congratulate yourself on a job well done and look forward to visiting her or when she first comes home )with all the laundry!!)

Notooserious · 03/09/2023 16:05

I went 500 miles on a train with a rucksack and bag. Saw my parents when I went home at Christmas. Total no biggie. The ones who had parents around seemed like they were never going to leave. She will be fine!

DahliaMacNamara · 03/09/2023 16:22

I managed not to cry at dropping my pfb at a truly horrible little room (he requested cheap, and that's what he got) up what I thought was a treacherous staircase in halls, but he still noticed me holding it in. It wasn't some great occasion. We got the hell out pretty sharpish, to his relief. I expect that's what your DD wants too.

You won't be missing out.

waterrat · 03/09/2023 16:23

It's a funny moment being dropped - I'm in my 40s and remember how keen I was for my mum to bugger off! I could see people who looked interesting and friendly and just wanted to get on with making friends...

goldfinchfan · 03/09/2023 16:26

When I went to Uni over 30 years ago, No One, had their parents tagging along.

Your DD is showing maturity in not wanting you there, Be proud, not sad.

HoisttheMainSail · 03/09/2023 16:27

Lemonyyy · 03/09/2023 14:43

When my parents dropped me off at halls it was really awkward and I hated it and couldn’t wait for them to go. It was my new life and I couldn’t start it with them there! At least this way you don’t have an awful embarrassing exchange with her at halls where she’s desperate for you to go and making it plainly obvious to you. You can say a nice goodbye, maybe take her out for dinner the night before that to her favourite place. Don’t sweat it too much, 18 year olds are busy learning to be grown ups and sometimes their parents can be a bit sidelined in that!

I had this as well. My parents were great, but when my Mum tried to unpack for me and tried to arrange my room I nearly bit through my tongue in an effort not to tell them to leave.

They did go in the end, but I was desperate to start living independently.

Are you a little bit clingy? I find the more people try to hold onto to their kids the more the kids struggle to break away.

EffortlessDesmond · 03/09/2023 16:28

I think you're doing it right... let her have the first time excitement of making her decisive move into independence without you, and then arrange a visit when she's got her bearings and knows a few people, to have a nice lunch and supermarket shop.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 03/09/2023 16:29

My parents didn't drop me off at uni. In fact, my mother said 'You don't want us to come with you, do you?' and I've always wondered how she would have reacted if I'd said yes, I did. Of the seven people living in the shared house I had in my first year, I think only one was dropped off by a parent. It wasn't 'done'.

VeloVixen · 03/09/2023 16:32

Honestly it doesn’t get any better. It’s DD’s graduation tomorrow, she forgot to book us tickets and we’re having to get snook into the venue without a ticket. Then she doesn’t want a meal with us before or after as she’s going out with her best mate and I assume her best mates parents.

Blueblell · 03/09/2023 16:41

More likely she wants to spend a last night with her boyfriend. Her dad is taking her things so she needs him to come. Try not to be upset and make plans to visit in a month when she will be pleased to see you.

ohhhhfffsss · 03/09/2023 16:42

goldfinchfan · 03/09/2023 16:26

When I went to Uni over 30 years ago, No One, had their parents tagging along.

Your DD is showing maturity in not wanting you there, Be proud, not sad.

This. It would have been weird to have turned up with parents in tow.

ohhhhfffsss · 03/09/2023 16:44

I've spent the past few years trying to get out of university drop-offs, btw. I'd have been thrilled if one of my DC had managed to persuade their terribly busy father to do it. They're a pita - long drive, lots of carrying through quads/up seven floors etc, then long drive back again.

BenjaminDisraeli · 03/09/2023 16:48

Ah you have my sympathy OP, leaving for uni is a symbolic and emotional time for everyone, especially for you as a Mum on her own. I know that feeling of planning treats and trying to make it a happy occasion... but DDs can be brutally honest and self-centred, more than they realise, which can bring your plans crashing down and leave you feeling puzzled and hurt. (I know because I remember being that brutally honest teen myself - sorry Mum❤).

Of course you're not being unreasonable to feel the way you do OP. But rest assured she loves you, is probably feeling a bit shit at her behaviour but can't help how she feels either - overwhelmed with this big change, and having to deal with all the big players in her life vying for their part in it. It's proof of how close you are that you're the one she can offload onto, however painful it feels at the time!

Give her the space she wants and let her come to you. If it's anything like my experience, it won't be the first time you get this rejection, soon followed by love-bombing... welcome to the wonderful world of parenting adults...💐!

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/09/2023 16:49

@LeDian

you now have a day to yourself!! How about messaging your mates to see if they fancy an afternoon in town with cocktails! Sounds ideal 🍹

gabagood · 03/09/2023 16:52

I kind of get it. Would you cry/be extremely emotional dropping her off?

My mum dropped me off and was very emotional and it made it so much harder for me. I was already nervous/anxious, and I felt like I had to support/comfort her because she was so upset! I found it so stressful, and it made the day so much harder for me.

Bahhhhhumbug · 03/09/2023 16:52

Bonbon21 · 03/09/2023 13:22

Maybe she is finding it more emotional to leave home that she thought she would and is trying to keep your goodbyes light and private.
Let her do this the way she has planned in her head.. lots of hugs, tell her you love her and cant wait to hear how she gets on, slip her £20 for a drink in the students bar and wave goodbye with a big smile.
This will be hard but she is probably dreading both/either of you in floods.
Let her go.. she will come back to visit because you have made the leaving easy..
X

This is wonderful and very reassuring advice, as one who is often in tears at my teenage DGCs' 'anyone over 30 doesmt exist ' mentality which is thankfully temporary ime of my older ones who have all 'come back to me".But l struggle not to be hurt as days and weeks and even months go by without even a 'how are you Nana?/fine thanks what you up to ? I was the same with older relatives though at that age,bigger fish to fry and all that and head full of nonsense, l regret it now they're all gone.

Bonbon21 will you be my life coach 🙂

Sierra26 · 03/09/2023 17:15

It’s unlikely to be about you at all. It’s about her. She’s looking forward to her independence and that adventure starts from the second she leaves the house to start the journey. In her head she’s already moved out. She maybe also knows you might be likely to make it emotional, or tell her too many times to be careful / call if she needs you / etc etc, which won’t be the vibe she wants.

My parents helped me move in to my uni room and I was so excited I just wanted them to leave so I could get to know my new housemates. But they hung around and wouldn’t leave until they could see I was settled. Which I’d have got to more quickly had they not been there 😂. They then wanted this heartfelt goodbye and I just wanted to crack open a beer.

I know it will feel brutal, but it’s a right of passage for teens! Take care of yourself on the day she leaves - plan to do something so you’re not alone or at a loose end, and then treat yourself to takeaway and a wine in the evening.

When you do go visit - don’t make it all about her. Say you want to do some shopping, does she feel like joining you for a girly afternoon and lunch. Start building an adult relationship and this will make it more likely she’ll look forward to seeing you, share things with you etc. Tell her how you’ve been keeping busy, refrain from telling her you miss her too often (of course fine to do in the right moment!) or asking her too many questions about herself. If she sees you have a rich and fulfilling life without it relying on her I promise your relationship will be stronger for it.

menopausalmare · 03/09/2023 17:30

It's a rite of passage. I went with my boyfriend and waved bye to my parents. It's a new chapter and a big step towards independence. Don't take it personally. Pop up in a month for a visit and take a few treats.

FarEast · 03/09/2023 17:32

Maybe she’s nervous enough without your (unnecessary) anxiety added to the event.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 03/09/2023 17:36

Congrats! You've raised your baby to independence. Drive her to the station as requested, wave her off with £20 in a card saying how proud you are of her, and a note saying let's do lunch in six weeks.

She'll love you for it!

AmazingSnakeHead · 03/09/2023 17:38

I agree it doesn't mean the same to them. To you, it's the end of an era. But crucially, it's the end of an era that once had a beginning. Everything from pregnancy to babyhood all the way through the years to now, where they set off in the world. So to you it's a massive deal. But to them it's just the next stage of life. It's not the end of an "era" because the era is just their entire lives, it's all they've known, and this is the start of an exciting time in their lives. So basically: try not to take it personally!

Clymene · 03/09/2023 17:54

She's pushing you away because she knows you'll always be there. Painful for you but evidence of a rock solid relationship from her POV