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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hurt DD doesn't want me to drop her off at uni?

123 replies

LeDian · 03/09/2023 13:15

My only DD is starting uni this year in London. Her move in day is two weeks today. She's got everything she needs bought and mostly packed. I'm really nervous about her going.
She has just told me she doesn't want me to drop her off. She and her boyfriend (different uni, different accomodation) are travelling on the train on the Saturday, with just some cases, staying in s hotel. Then on the Sunday her dad and his wife are going to drive down with all her stuff.
Originally I was going to drive her down, take her for dinner on the Saturday night and help her get checked in, then her dad would meet her with her stuff and I'd leave.

DD and I have a generally okay relationship, we had a falling out at the start of summer but I thought it was better now.

AIBU to be really sad DD doesn't want me there?

OP posts:
OhYetAnotherBrickInTheWall · 03/09/2023 14:42

LeDian · 03/09/2023 13:41

No, not me, DD didn't even apply to Oxbridge!!

Show quote history

Ah. Ok, apologies.

Lemonyyy · 03/09/2023 14:43

When my parents dropped me off at halls it was really awkward and I hated it and couldn’t wait for them to go. It was my new life and I couldn’t start it with them there! At least this way you don’t have an awful embarrassing exchange with her at halls where she’s desperate for you to go and making it plainly obvious to you. You can say a nice goodbye, maybe take her out for dinner the night before that to her favourite place. Don’t sweat it too much, 18 year olds are busy learning to be grown ups and sometimes their parents can be a bit sidelined in that!

ReleasetheCrackHen · 03/09/2023 14:45

For context, one of my DDs is making a big palaver about “visiting me for my birthday” by coming down on the train tomorrow and spending monday night.

The real reason she is coming down is that it is a convenient stopping point (hotel mum and dad) between her Uni and meeting her boyfriend at Heathrow when he flies in Tuesday morning and then they’re staying in London a few nights before going back up to Uni together. 🤣😂

All about their boyfriends at that age.

LookatEsa · 03/09/2023 14:46

Maybe it is quite emotional and she doesn’t want to be upset saying goodbye at uni.

iamwhatiam23 · 03/09/2023 14:47

I understand why you feel upset but you really should feel proud! She is obviously independent and confident, you have obviously done a good job op.

honeyandfizz · 03/09/2023 14:48

Yanbu I would have been upset not to have taken DD to Uni last year - its was a bloody long tiring day though, carting her stuff up to the 5th floor with no lift but still one I will never forget. I am taking her back in a couple of weeks with much less emotion but still wouldn't miss it for the world and glad she chose me instead of exh to take her.

Original poster
LeDian · 03/09/2023 14:48

Lemonyyy · 03/09/2023 14:43

When my parents dropped me off at halls it was really awkward and I hated it and couldn’t wait for them to go. It was my new life and I couldn’t start it with them there! At least this way you don’t have an awful embarrassing exchange with her at halls where she’s desperate for you to go and making it plainly obvious to you. You can say a nice goodbye, maybe take her out for dinner the night before that to her favourite place. Don’t sweat it too much, 18 year olds are busy learning to be grown ups and sometimes their parents can be a bit sidelined in that!

I just asked her about it and she said "you'll cry, it will be embarrassing"

We've made a compromise in going for lunch together on the Saturday and dropping her at the station.

I just really don't want to go!!

OP posts:
LimeTreeGrove · 03/09/2023 14:49

You'll be able to look forward to her first visit home. You might find she appreciates you more and the distance brings you closer.

TheLongGloriesOfTheWinterMoon · 03/09/2023 14:54

She'll be imagining that she's going to be the only one with parents dropping her off and thinking she'll look daft.

Obviously, it's the opposite, and very very few will be moving in without their parents (and car, and people to hoik boxes onto cages etc)

Her choice at the end of the day. Maybe she'll change her mind when she realizes having someone around to help isn't uncool after all.

EllaBella41 · 03/09/2023 14:54

She'll be a bit more receptive once she's had a few weeks of living in halls 😆

ilovesushi · 03/09/2023 14:56

I'm sorry. Sending a big hug. xxx

Bluetrews25 · 03/09/2023 14:59

You gave her a life, OP, it's time to let go of the bit of it you are holding onto and let her have it. She's a big girl now. Wave her off with a big smile and a full cake tin to hand around to her new friends.
(This is what I did.)

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 03/09/2023 15:05

GMH1974 · 03/09/2023 13:17

She's probably a bit nervous about starting uni and taking it out on you. My son can get a bit stressy about the whole thing too.

Probably this,try not to take it personally. It might be she's nervous and if you're there she'll get upset as you're her mum and she'll be able to keep a stiff upper lip when you're not there.

When we dropped ds off I made his bed for him in halls and he went bonkers,got really stroppy so I went down and waited in the car for his dad. Turns out he was near tears and me making his bed upset him and he didn't want to cry.

She's probably just doing what she knows she can handle. Arrange to go and see her for the weekend in a few weeks, she'll be desperate to see you then I'm sure.

cheezncrackers · 03/09/2023 15:05

Maybe she's picked up on your nervousness OP and feels that her BF and her DF will be more unemotional and therefore it will be easier for her?

Canisaysomething · 03/09/2023 15:08

You've done a good job as a parent if she's happy to go and doesn't need her hand holding. Go for a meal with a friend instead and take your DD out later in the year when she'll appreciate it more.

Threeboysadogandacat · 03/09/2023 15:13

I was the opposite. My Mum and sister dropped me off and left. I can still remember sitting on the bed crying, looking at the drawing pin holes left in the wall by the previous occupant, panicking I wouldn’t have enough money to buy the books I needed to get the following day and wishing they could have stayed for a while. However, it was the right thing to do. A second year student rounded up all the first years in the block, showed us round and that was me with friends I still see today.

YANBU to be upset but you have to let her do it her way. One day she will understand how you felt.

Vinrouge4 · 03/09/2023 15:16

I felt so sad when my first child went to university as did her siblings. It’s a big change for the whole family when the first one leaves the nest. Do not be hard on yourself OP. In my experience she will miss you more than she expects and come to appreciate all the things you do for her.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 03/09/2023 15:23

Why don’t you just talk to her about it? She’s 18. Open honest communication is always the way to go. Tell her that you wanted to be there and that you’ve found it hurtful. Ask her what ideas she has so that you can be involved?

MrsOvertonsWindow · 03/09/2023 15:23

Honestly OP - let her go on her own terms. Let this be about her new start and not your feelings. Those of us who are parents understand how hard it is but the easiest way to ensure she returns (and keeps returning) is to hide our own feelings and let this be about her - on her terms.

Good luck - stiff upper lip and all that - and wail when she's gone. Flowers

Mammajay · 03/09/2023 15:32

This should be about her feelings not yours. Many of us have dropped our children off at uni and after a long drive more or less been told to go home asap as they want to be free and independent. They come back when they need us!

MargaretThursday · 03/09/2023 15:38

Tell her that's fine, but you'll come up one weekend for the day (if a day trip is possible) and take her out to lunch, bring anything she's forgotten, and take her to a supermarket to do some shopping.
Leave it to at least 4th week though. 6th week may be better as that's when the blues tend to set in.

AngelinaFibres · 03/09/2023 15:42

Bonbon21 · 03/09/2023 13:22

Maybe she is finding it more emotional to leave home that she thought she would and is trying to keep your goodbyes light and private.
Let her do this the way she has planned in her head.. lots of hugs, tell her you love her and cant wait to hear how she gets on, slip her £20 for a drink in the students bar and wave goodbye with a big smile.
This will be hard but she is probably dreading both/either of you in floods.
Let her go.. she will come back to visit because you have made the leaving easy..
X

This. She sounds brilliant. You will be able to visit and have a fabulous time in London. Letting go is hard. Enjoy your freedom. You will find it different and then rather nice.

Whawillthefuturebring · 03/09/2023 15:44

She is 18, of course she wants to spend the night in a hotel with her boyfriend rather than having dinner with her Mum. Just take her out to dinner before.

Mirabai · 03/09/2023 15:44

I drove myself to uni and so did my siblings I wouldn’t have been seen dead with my parents.

HorsePlatitudes · 03/09/2023 15:44

I’m far from this journey as my elder son is only 14, but my relationship with my mum went from strength to strength after I left home, and we were already good chums. I think we started seeing each other as adults. I mean, id be hurt too but you’re entering a new phase together and this is just the painful transition phase. Would also add that I didn’t have access to a phone and my parent were expats no could never go home in term time. It was all fine and we were very close up to her death. Honestly it will be ok, and be proud you’ve raised independent children. All the best ❤️